Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
The one question that defuses most marital spats
Because having peace is often better than being right.
“What if I’m wrong?”
The shocking thought popped to mind as I was desperately kneeling in prayer. My husband had stomped out the door and no resolution to our fight had been found.
The voice in my head must have been the Holy Spirit’s, because I – like my husband – am always right. Always. Fortunately, the still, small voice kept probing:
“What would you do next if you are wrong – or even if you aren’t?”
So I sent my husband a text – “I love you” – because love is an act of the will, a choice – not just a feeling (that’s what I always tell my kids anyway). And pretty soon, my husband and I were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and talking through our disagreement. [Note: this was a common but painful argument; no emotional or physical abuse occurred, and I mention this because if you’re facing problems of a severe nature, seek professional help. The following advice of performing careful self-introspection will only bring more peace to an otherwise healthy marriage.]
When I mentioned this spat to a friend and described how it came to a surprisingly quick resolution, when I shared with her how the outcome was delightful and different from other fights, how it demanded humility from both spouses because just as soon as I expressed my own specific failures, my husband – quite to my surprise – did the same, my wise friend quoted the famous TV psychologist Dr. Phil:
“Well yeah,” she said, ‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?’”
Her statement brought to mind a practice Dr. Jordan Peterson, the popular University of Toronto Psychology professor and author of the bestselling book 12 Rules for Life, suggests. Peterson explains that anytime he and his wife of 30 years have an argument, they stop talking, go into separate rooms and they do not return until each of them can come up with at least one failure that led to the disagreement. Peterson’s sentiment here is almost identical to Dr. Phil’s:
“… You must decide whether you want to be right or if you want to have peace.” (12 Rules for Life, p. 357)
Peterson’s advice was actually rattling around in my mind as I knelt in prayer the day of the previously mentioned argument (actually, his awesome book is on my nightstand, so I’d only read it a day or two before). And as I pondered that morning’s fall-out, I realized I’d contributed to the disagreement not by what I’d done, but in what I’d failed to do (we confess these sins of omission every week in Mass because they’re real and they really do have consequences).
“Here’s where I went wrong,” I shocked my husband when he returned home after my text, “I didn’t start the day in prayer. I didn’t say ‘good morning’ to you or give you a hug. Actually, I totally ignored you even though you were frazzled and needed help finding paperwork and keys and something to eat. You probably felt deserted, like you were starting your day with a real lack of love and support. I’m really very sorry.”
My husband was stunned.
“But I shouldn’t have freaked out,” he replied immediately, “I shouldn’t have blamed you for stuff. I’m sorry too.”
A mind open to one’s own failures quite often leads to hearts open to forgiveness, kitchen tables full of laughter and, most importantly, a more peaceful state of married life.
The best piece of advice I have gotten about planning my wedding – Her.ie
This past week marked a special, albeit slightly scary, milestone in the wedding planning process for us.
A few days ago, we officially hit seven-months-to-go until the big day – which has, for some reason, made the whole thing seem like it’s creeping up incredibly fast.
And with the mini-milestone making things more ‘real’, it’s made me think about the start of the planning process – and, in particular, a game-changing piece of advice.
When I was growing up, I never really pictured what my wedding day would look like – and, to be honest, I thought that was a good thing.
After all, it made it a clean slate, right?
When my fiancé, Sam, proposed, I soon realised how wrong I was: it meant I actually had no idea of where to start with the planning process.
After stacks upon stacks of bridal magazine, and hours spent scrolling through Instagram for wedding #inspo, and I was still at the same place: without a vague idea of where to start.
I’ve gotten better since then. Or I think so, anyways.
Over the last few months, I’ve become a lot more confident – and a lot more self-assured – about the wedding planning process.
And it’s all down to one particular piece of advice I got near the start of the wedding planning process.
Don’t stress. It’s all going to work out.
Which sounds cliché, and a lot easier said than done – especially when wedding planning.
And at times, it’s been nearly impossible to follow the advice (or, you know, totally impossible) – like when we had a 48 hour period where we weren’t even sure if the wedding was going to be able to go ahead because of solemniser complications.
But things worked themselves out. And, in the end, the hours of panic did little else than…well, cause stress.
Besides, anything bad that happens can be fixed, right?
Keeley and Sam are saying ‘I do,’ in May 2019. And with seven months to go, this bride-to-be admits she’s still learning the ropes. In the run-up to her Big Day, Keeley will be writing a weekly blog about all things wedding-related… from the start of planning, to walking down the aisle.
Bad advice before you marry the most beautiful woman on earth
Never say anything positive about the househelp
Keep every opinion to yourself, unless it is something negative
Never borrow money from your wife. If you borrow, pay it back with interest
For more than five years or so, your buddy Nicholas has enjoyed all the freedom that comes with bachelorhood. He always laughed at you when you excused yourself to leave the pub, claiming that you are all a bunch of henpecked men, hell-scared of their wives.
In two weeks’ time, he will marry one of the most beautiful women you have seen, but you cannot vouch for her attitude. You expressed your skepticism that she will run Nicholas down, but Nicholas said that his Maasai blood will not allow a woman to sit on him. How the mighty fall.
Nicholas is about to discover what American humourist Hellen Rowland said: It takes a woman 20 years to make a man of her son and another woman 20 minutes to make a fool of him. You don’t even envy him. As the old wise men said, marriage is like a place besieged. Those in want out and those out want in.
Last weekend, you sat as men to bring Nicholas up to speed on what marriage entails. Here are the pieces of advice you collated.
1. Never say anything positive about the househelp. Keep every opinion to yourself, unless it is something negative.
2. Never borrow money from your wife. If you borrow, pay it back with interest.
3. Never ask your wife how she spends her money. Never. Ever.
4. Ban cabbage and ndengu from the word go — before they become a staple serving.
5. Always stand your ground — firmly. Let her know the boundaries she can’t cross. If you give women a mile, they will grab the whole world.
6. You will lose all the arguments in your marriage. When your wife is on the wrong, she will gaslight you to a point of losing your sanity. Just know where to draw the line.
7. Act unreasonable sometimes. Scare them a bit. A comfortable wife is a dangerous one. (This in no way advocates for violence).
8. Buy her gifts. Once a year.
9. Women like pushing buttons, all the time. They like provoking the man. They derive pleasure in provoking you. Act cool and annoy her.
10. Don’t be too boring. Modern women like excitement. Find something exciting occasionally. Take her to the village and let her cool with wet pieces of wood. She will love it.
11. Minimise contact with her as much as possible. More contact begets friction. Friction is bad for your soul.
12. Beware of the silent treatment. The many nights you will come home from a night of bingeing, she will give you the scary silent treatment. Don’t succumb to pressure and panic. Enjoy the golden silence.
13. Your worth is your bank balance. Don’t be cheated that she will stay because you lay the pipe well, or some silly idea like romance. After 25, women are all about bills, vacations and everything money can buy. If you don’t have the money, she will a) despise you, b) cheat on you, c) find a reason or excuse to leave you.
14. Always pay the rent. Armed with that, remember better or worse is a lie. Marriage to women is only for better times. There will be many bad patches. Don’t quit. Stay and fight, until nothing is left. By then you will be too old. Wish you all the best Nick.
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Maple Grove couple renew vows to celebrate 76 years of marriage
Maple Grove resident John and Evie Kasper just celebrated their 76th wedding anniversary with a marriage vow renewal.
John and Evie’s daughter, Susan Rivard, said her parents are 96 years old, born in 1922.
“They met in school when they were 10 and got married when they were 20,” Rivard said. “My dad was in college but got drafted into WWII shortly after their wedding. After serving in the Army Air Corps, he returned home, finished college and then got a masters and doctorate in physical education and recreation.
John and Evie lived in St. Cloud for most of their married life. John Kasper was a professor and eventually Department Chair of Health, Physical Education and Recreation at SCSU.
The Kaspers had three children and seven grandchildren and currently have three great grand-children. They moved to the Twin Cities three years ago to be closer to family.
Rivard said it was big adjustment for her parents after 67 years in St. Cloud, but they have done very well, making new friends, staying involved in activities and enjoying family.
“Mom and Dad became Internet sensations a few years ago when their oldest grand-daughter (my oldest daughter), Danni Munro, took a video of them offering marital advice,” Rivard said. “It was pretty funny. She posted it on her YouTube channel, and eventually BuzzFeed found it and got her permission to post a clip of her video on their site – and after that, it exploded and went around the globe.”
Rivard said that to this day, if anyone googles “BuzzFeed John and Evie,” several videos of them that Munro made, and newspaper articles written about them, and a clip from a local tv station’s interview of them, will come up.
“Their videos (they are Danni’s favorite subjects) have been seen by many millions of people in 100 countries,” Rivard said. “But my parents don’t understand the Internet, so they only felt ‘famous’ when the Star Tribune ran an article about their Internet fame with a picture maybe a year ago.”
John and Evie Kasper’s marriage vow renewal ceremony took place on Oct. 21. Pastor Joe Lignon presided over the ceremony. Rivard said its was family-only affair.
“Their marraige has always been based on respect, trust and love — with a strong dose of humor, which is a necessary part of any successful relationship,” Rivard said.
To watch a video of the vow renewal created by Munro, visit https://youtu.be/EJaY7_gbqxo
