Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
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5 Signs Your Marriage Might Be Over
Ending a marriage is a decision that’s extremely personal and involves independent and difficult introspection. Ideally, a couple might try couples therapy before making any definitive decision to split. It’s virtually impossible to give definitive and globally-applicable advice that’s relevant to all marriages. It’s similarly difficult to provide a list of warning signs for couples as evidence that a marriage is over. But sometimes, if a relationship becomes too much effort, it’s best to part ways. Here are five warning signs that your marriage needs significant attention.
Emotional needs are not being met
You come to realize that your emotional needs to be nurtured, supported, acknowledged, prioritized, and to feel like you belong are consistently not being met. That’s not to say that the first time you feel invalidated or ignored you might be ready for a divorce. This is only a warning sign after this issue has been discussed, attempted to be remedied, and remains a concern.
Potential trap: Don’t assume your partner knows you feel this way. This has to be explicitly talked about.
No interest in physical intimacy
If you’re consistently uninterested in any form of intimacy with your partner, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship. This applies to both sexual intimacy as well as physical closeness. Couples vary drastically in terms of how often they engage in sexual activity. But if you don’t feel the need to be physically close to your partner, or this is a belief held by your partner that you do not share, it may be a red flag.
Potential trap: Be careful in differentiating these feelings from feelings of distance following a fight or argument. After an argument that brings about a set of negative emotions, it may be perfectly normal to not want to feel physically intimate with your partner for a period of time.
Life goals aren’t aligned
If your life goals are diametrically different than your partner’s, you may encounter significant difficulty. Can you find similarity in what you want out of life in terms of:
- how to prioritize finances?
- how many kids to have?
- how to spend free time?
- how to parent?
- and which passions/interests to pursue?
These are just some life goals to consider. But if goals with similar serious implications don’t match up, and neither of you has any flexibility, you may reach an impasse.
Potential trap: Don’t count on compromise as a way to resolve these differences. Compromise, in some forms, may not be sustainable.
Completely separate social circles
Having completely separate social circles where you connect with other people individually rather than as a couple may indicate a problem. Ideally, a couple should have at least a few other individuals with whom they can spend time with, together, as a couple. Lack of this may be a stressor.
Potential trap: This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a girls’ or guys’ night out or go on a trip with friends separate from your partner. The idea suggests that you don’t spend too much time apart such that it’s being prioritized over time spent together as a couple.
Abuse
Finally, and hopefully obviously; physical, emotional, sexual abuse raises significant warning signs about the health of a relationship.
These are just some suggestions to look out for in a marriage, and not necessarily a guide to divorce. But thinking about how issues like these may add up to negatively impact your relationship is an important reality check.
Husbandless friends invalidate her marital concerns
Dear Carolyn: I have a close, small group of friends who I have known for decades, and two of them are divorced, both more than five years ago. We have always shared things that bother or hurt us in our lives.
When I complain about some hurtful thing my husband has said, or about a problem in our retirement plans, they both remark, “At least YOU have a husband.” I know they both went through hell, but I don’t understand why I am not allowed to have feelings and express them anymore. I hate that our friendship dynamic has changed. Am I being silly about this?
– D.
Of course not, no. It’s a lonely feeling indeed to have your concerns rubber-stamped as invalid.
It would be silly, though, to exclude this from the list of things your share with them that “bother or hurt us in our lives.” This one is valid, too, and your friends can’t help you with a problem they don’t even know you have.
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So (as always) be calm, be kind, and be clear: “Yes, I do have a husband, and I am grateful for him. And I get upset when he says something hurtful to me. Is that not OK?”
This may sound like a rhetorical question, but I suggest you treat it as one you’d like them to answer. There could be several explanations for their dismissive response: They may mistake it for a look-at-the-bright-side suggestion, or they’re trying to be funny, or you’ve been smug about your marriage and they’re weary of it, just for a few examples. Each may have her own reason, too, for responding that way.
But you won’t find out if you never admit how you feel.
Hi, Carolyn: My brother is in the process of getting a divorce, and my sister-in-law has a history of sharing her woes quite dramatically on Facebook. I have an account, my parents do not. I do not use mine anymore because it made me feel less connected in general, and I also wanted to avoid reading my sister-in-law’s updates without cutting her off.
Now my parents want to know if my sister-in-law has been posting anything about my brother. Do I tell them to ask him? Do I go on Facebook myself, which is really an energy-depleter for me? Or do I open my account and let them look for themselves? Yuck.
– Working on My Boundaries
No, you do not have to look for posts you don’t want to see, on behalf of people who aren’t you, about a relationship you are not in.
That’s your boundary. It’s a good one to start with because it’s clear and it’s easily set by the truth: “I don’t know, I don’t check Facebook anymore.”
I suppose “easily” is not entirely fair. The challenge with boundaries is in the holding, not the setting. So, deflect them with the truth and with absolute confidence that you owe them nothing further. Besides civility. So when they follow up by asking you to check:
“No, I won’t do that. I won’t get in the middle of this.” They object, you politely exit the conversation.
And next time you’re on Facebook for whatever reason, “unfollow” your sister-in-law. The trick to boundaries: Don’t make more work for yourself.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/11/02/friendship-divorce-advice/1763953002/
I've Been Divorced Twice. Here Are 8 Lessons I've Learned.
The following story was submitted by a Fatherly reader. Opinions expressed in the story do not reflect the opinions of Fatherly as a publication. The fact that we’re printing the story does, however, reflect a belief that it is an interesting and worthwhile read.
What you don’t know going into marriage (first, second, or other) is what variables will change and how those changes will affect your life. But as you go through the entire process, from wedding day to rough patches to divorce, you learn some things. I’m going to try to highlight the big ‘ah-ha’ moments I had in both my marriages.
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Marriage #1
We were young. I allowed her beauty and my passion to blind me to some of the issues we had early on. We had both just graduated from college, and it felt like the thing to do. I was madly in love, but I didn’t know enough about her. I jumped into my first marriage on sexual chemistry and gut instinct. I thought if we were this happy now then we’d be just as happy after getting married. I was wrong. And this is what I learned from our time together.
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Lesson 1: Weather some storms before you tie the knot
The first unhappy moments actually arrived on our honeymoon. I suddenly got a glimpse of an unhappy and angry person, one that hadn’t exposed herself prior. Something, even in those early days of bliss, registered this as a big red flag. I’d have been better served had we endured some adversity prior to tying the knot, and my thoughts as my new wife raged at me was, “Uh oh. I think I made a mistake.”
Lesson 2: Things that are not working are liable to get worse, not better
You cannot count on the other person changing to please you or simply to make life easier. If you both agree to therapy, you can move the needle a bit. But if one of you is having major emotional issues, no amount of goodwill, good behavior, or good intentions will fix things. If you are waiting for the other person to change, you are in trouble.
Lesson 3: Rage and abusive behavior are never okay
It took me three tries to end my first marriage, mostly because I didn’t want to be the person who gave up. But when anger becomes abusive, there is very little left to work on. Therapy was helpful, but you can’t go to therapy for the rest of your life. When the counseling ended, so did the positive behavior modifications. Ouch.
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Marriage #2
I recoiled from my divorce for a while. I stayed out of the dating game for a year or so while I tried to recollect my own center and sanity. But I wouldn’t say I was healed when I ran into my second wife at a local coffee shop. We had gone to high school together, so we had an immediate connection, and from the initial reaction to seeing me, we both had some interest in exploring the possibilities.
Lesson 4: Pay attention to early things that don’t feel right
There was some initial miscommunication that later turned into a huge problem. But during the early days of my courtship, I was unaware that she not only had a boyfriend but that she was living with him. I think her secrecy early hurt us later when other issues began to arise. Again, I fell passionately in love with her before any “issues” came to light. And when they did, when she did tell me about the other guy, I should’ve run for the hills. But a month later when she called to tell me it was over with the other guy, my loneliness and the magnetism of our connection caused me to jump right back in.
Lesson 5: Kids change everything
Aside from forging a new level of commitment, kids change the chemistry of the relationship in a big way. Overnight there are 200-percent more things to do. Chores become an issue. Exhaustion becomes an issue. And as you both slip into the overwhelmed state of raising kids, some deeper level of personality comes out. In an overwhelming situation, you’re either a happy camper making due or an unhappy camper complaining the whole way. I was generally happy. She wasn’t.
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Lesson 6: Trust is the foundation of a relationship
There seemed to be a lot of trust issues in the second half of our marriage. I was always in the process of doing something wrong or covering up something else I had done wrong. In fact, I’m not even sure I was doing things wrong, but the unhappy camper was certain that her unhappiness was due to me. I don’t think another person is responsible for anyone’s happiness. But therapy didn’t sort this one out. Once the trust was broken, the repair was difficult and ultimately failed.
Lesson 7: Intimacy does reflect a lot about a relationship
The book Love Languages does a great job of explaining the different ways people feel love. And for sure, my second wife and I had very different languages. But there’s a balance, even if you’re languages are on opposite sides of the spectrum. And when touch is taken out of the equation for any length of time, the entire relationship can begin to change. We are animals. And sex is a base-level need. When sex goes, the relationship is soon to follow. It reveals some deeper dysfunction.
Lesson 8: Even in an amicable divorce, you need to get a lawyer
As we parented 50/50, I was certain in the early divorce negotiations that we would end up with a joint custody arrangement. So when the therapist we’d hired to guide us through the process suggested something much different, I was upset but didn’t stop and fight. I know today that I was whitewashed into accepting the Standard Possession Order and being the non-custodial parent because it was what my then-wife wanted all along. We agreed to cooperate, but I was handed a non-cooperative ruling right off the bat. In hindsight, I should’ve stopped the process and lawyer-ed up. But I’m conflict-averse, and I listened to the ‘reasonable’ therapist and my ‘in-the-best-interest-of-the-kids’ wife. I was railroaded.
John McElhenney is a single dad who lives in Austin, Texas. He is the author of the single parenting blog, The Whole Parent, and writes for The Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, and other sites. His latest book is Single Dad Seeks about dating again after divorce.
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