Relationships Talk

BALDWINSVILLE, N.Y. (WSYR-TV) – Halloween may be considered one of the scariest days of the year, but for Kim and PJ Schmid, of Baldwinsville, it’s the most romantic day of the year.

Twenty years ago on Oct. 31, the couple tied the knot and vowed — “until death do we part.”

“Even after all these years, we run into people that PJ invited that I didn’t know at our wedding and they’ll say to me, ‘I was at your wedding that was so much fun,'” Kim shared.

The wedding was complete with a costume party reception.

Now, their love for Halloween shows in every year’s couple’s costume. They’ve gone as “Mother Goose” and “Father Time for a Beer,” “Ursala and “Ariel” from Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,” and this year they’re celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary with a “Day of the dead” theme.

“She’s the mastermind behind most the costumes my ideas were so elaborate or according to Kimberly they were not as fun,” PJ said.

Only once has PJ been given the chance to take a swing at the couple’s costume ideas.

“I let him have his way one year and he had me dress up he was the Snow Miser and I was the Heat Miser. I had the hair and my face was browned out with a big red nose,” Kim said. “Oh my gosh I looked as absolutely hideous and scary as someone could possibly look.”

Their son Paul also shares a passion for Halloween creativity, but while he’s away at college — family dog, “Bea,” keeps up the tradition as well.

“She has a couple costumes,” Kim said. “She doesn’t mind a little gown every now and then it makes her feel extra sassy.”

After two decades of “spooky” marriage — PJ and Kim have advice to share others.

“The first few years were full of a little bit more tricks and treats, you know, in the beginning, and I’m hoping the next 20 or just ‘boo-tiful,'” Kim shared.

While their anniversary is known mostly for ghosts and goblins — groom PJ can’t help but smile every time he looks at his Halloween bride.

“I’m still in love with her every day when I look at her,” PJ said.

The Schmids have an outdoor neighborhood party to celebrate their anniversary and welcome trick-or-treaters to stop by for big candy bars, popcorn and other sweets.
 

In his book, The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work, renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman stresses the importance of “developing rituals that promote better communication and attunement with your partner.” In other words, creating (and sticking to) little things that help you enjoy life a bit more is essential to a happy, long lasting marriage. Maybe it’s a daily text or a weekly trip to the spot you first met.

To see how this plays out in real marriages — and to offer you a bit of inspiration if you’re looking for a ritual of your own — we spoke to 11 dads about the small things they do to keep their relationships fun and exciting, no matter how complicated life may become.

I Always Leave a Note (or Dirty Drawing) in My Wife’s Lunch

“I’m a big note guy. I work better in the morning, so I usually handle the lunch-packing duties, which includes packing lunch for my wife. I like doing it — it makes me feel useful. I always put notes in the lunches, too. For my kids, it’s usually just a ‘Have a great day!’ type deal. But, with my wife, they can range from jokes, to dirty drawings, to words of wisdom, and everything in between. The last one I wrote said, ‘It was so awesome how you didn’t give Halloween candy to the kid dressed as Trump.’ If I can make her laugh or smile during the day, I think I’ve helped our marriage thrive.”  – Collin, 38, Ohio

We Have a Couch Date Night Every Week

“We always watch American Horror Story together. Every week. I hate it. It’s weird, and terrifying. But, she loves it. And, I love her. Truthfully, I enjoy doing it because she gets scared and does all the ‘I’m scared!’ things that make me feel like I can protect her. She cuddles with me, puts my hand over her eyes. Stuff like that. So, while the show is definitely not something I’d watch on my own, I love the time I spend watching it with her. I look forward to it every week, and I wouldn’t miss it.” – Michael, 37, Illinois

We Get Sweaty Together 

“My wife and I exercise together before work, every other morning. Before we met, neither of us were super into working out but, after a few kids, we realized that it could be a good thing to start doing. So, every morning, while the kids are eating breakfast and waking up, we just do a quick, intense, 15-minute workout together. I’ve definitely become the more enthusiastic one about waking up and exercising, so I think it’s become ‘my’ ritual. But, we do it together, and we always end up smiling.” – Kirk, 36, Oregon

I Surprise Her With “9 Second Hugs”

“When we first started dating, I shared a news article with my wife that said nine seconds was the ideal length for a hug. It’s something about the amount of time it takes your body to release endorphins that makes nine seconds the sweet spot. So, randomly, I’ll grab her and say, ‘Nine-Second Hug!’ She laughs, usually. Sometimes she gets frustrated, if she’s trying to do something and I interrupt. But, it really does work. We just sort of stand there together for nine seconds and, when it’s over, we laugh, kiss, and go on with the day. It’s a pretty simple trick, I think.” – John, 42, New York

We Return to Our First Date Spot

“Every month, my wife and I have a date night at the place we went to on our first date. It’s just a small, basic bar in Akron, Ohio but it’s a special place for us. They ‘know’ us there by now — we’ve been going for years — so it’s a fun, welcoming experience overall. The recurring date was her idea, but going back to that specific bar was mine, so it’s also a great reminder that we’re a good team when we put our heads together.” – Joel, 35, Ohio

No Matter What, the Last Words We Always Say Are “I Love You”

“I was raised by parents who never, ever, ever let the last words said in a conversation —in person, over the phone, whatever — be anything but, ‘I love you.’ So, when my wife and I fell in love, I mentioned that to her, and I sort of insisted we adopt it, too. It might sound a little neurotic, but it’s just a way to make sure that, God forbid something bad were to happen, the words we’ll always remember hearing will be, ‘I love you’. Even if we’re fighting, we don’t walk away or hang up the phone without saying it. We do it with our kids, too. ” – Matt, 43, Florida

We Talk Trash Online Playing Word Games

“I challenge my wife to — and usually beat her at — Words With Friends at least once a week. It’s not the game itself, so much, but the chatting we do throughout. The trash-talking and stuff. For some reason, talking inside of WWF feels different than talking over email or iMessage. It’s almost always game-related, but the way we pounce on each other and go back-and-forth feels super flirty a lot of the time. Like talking on AIM in college. I guess it’s just my way of keeping connected with her a little less traditionally.” – Jeff, 33, North Carolina

I Always Touch My Wife’s Butt

“I love my wife’s ass. To quote Ron Burgundy, ‘That thing is good.’ So, as douchy as it might sound, I try to squeeze it or slap it whenever I can. She likes it, because she’ll always ask, ‘Why haven’t you smacked my ass in a while?’ if I don’t do it sort of regularly. I never do it around the kids, because they’re too young to understand the nuances of such a gesture within a loving relationship, but I do it in public sometimes. I’m sure people sneer. But, whatever, I love my wife’s ass.” – Josh, 39, New York

We Have a Collaborative Sketchbook

“I taught my wife about a thing my friends and I used to do called ‘Exquisite Cadavers’. It’s nothing weird, just the name we came up with for when one person draws a line or a shape on a piece of paper, and then the next person adds on to it, and then the next person, and the next person, and so on. I have no idea why we named it that. Anyway, I got a small sketchbook for my wife and I  and I’ll usually start a new one every week or two. We take the book to work with us and just add silly little things here and there until we’ve ‘finished’. Then it’s on to the next one. I love seeing what she comes up with.” – Al, 44, Ohio

We Give One Another Wet Willies. Seriously.

“I give my wife wet willies. True story. She’s a jokester at heart. She loves prank videos and fail videos on YouTube. So, whenever she’s not paying attention, I’ll sneak up and get her. It goes both ways, too. She’s gotten me in the shower – somehow she knew exactly when my eyes would be closed while I was rinsing off shampoo. She even had the balls to do it at church one weekend. I think my best one was when she was FaceTiming with her mother. I crept up behind her while her mother watched with just this sort of, ‘Huh?’ expression. It’s definitely a silly, stupid thing. But, it’s our thing, and it always will be.” – Neil, 37, California

We Volunteer at an Animal Shelter Once a Month

“My wife and I — and our oldest son — volunteer at an animal shelter once a month. We help walk dogs, clean the place, and stuff like that. As a family, we all just love animals. So, when we’re there, we’re all just really, really happy. I know my wife is a fantastic mother — I see her in action every day. But, there’s something special about seeing her with a little puppy or kitten that just melts me. It’s just so sweet, and reminds me why I fell in love with her in the first place.” – Bill, 39, Connecticut

It’s another episode of 10K Rinks Radio!

This week, Tony and Joe chat about some strong performances in the early goings. Mikael Granlund and Eric Fehr get some shout-outs from the week. Then Joe talks about how the Minnesota Wild have done in third periods over the season, they look at Jordan Greenway and Joel Eriksson Ek, check out the AHL, and end with Tony setting high expectations for the team’s long road trip.

If you somehow listen to this show but hate Wild hockey, Tony also gives indispensable marriage advice and Joe dreams of what he’d do if he won the lottery.

Make sure to subscribe to 10K Rinks Radio so you never miss an episode! We’ll see you next week!

A simple way to improve your marriage is to change your expectations. Better yet, drop some of them. If I sound cynical, please read on. I am a believer in the institution of marriage. However, the experience of both researchers and clinicians tells us that most of us have the wrong idea about how marriage might enhance our lives.

Expectations of marriage have changed significantly over the past few decades. For many generations, marriage was a means of gaining status, financial security, or a stable environment for raising children. In recent decades, the intentions of many individuals getting married have shifted to include friendship, having a confidante, romance, and, for some, finding a “soul-mate.” There is a common assumption reinforced by romantic novels and movies that “finding the right one” will lead to happiness.

Eli Finkel, a psychology professor at Northwestern University, has shown us that expectations of marriage have increased in the past few decades while the time that people invest in their marriages has decreased  (Finkel, 2017). These changes have correlated with all-time levels of dissatisfaction with being married. Internationally recognized relationship therapist Esther Perel seconds that observation. She tells us that expectations have risen worldwide and that they are particularly high in the United States. She identifies this as a problematic trend (Perel, 2017).

At the other extreme, research at the University of North Carolina’s Couples Lab warns us not to expect too little of marriage. Donald Baucom advised us that people get what they expect, and when expectations are too low, unacceptable situations often result. Specifically, these findings were relevant to anyone in abusive relationships. Those who continue to tolerate emotional, verbal, or physical abuse will likely continue to be treated badly. This research emphasizes that we should at the very least expect kindness and respect.

Psychologist Jim McNulty of Florida State University drew some interesting conclusions from his studies of newlywed couples over a four year period (McNulty, 2016). He concluded that high standards don’t work in a marriage if partners have poor communication skills, a high level of stress, or little time to devote to the relationship. His advice was to match your expectations with your (and your spouse’s) ability to deliver time, effort, and social skill to the relationship. That advice is consistent with Finkel’s work, although it requires being honest with yourself about your willingness to put forth the time and effort. 

The work of couples therapists John and Julie Gottman provides some answers to the question of what is reasonable to expect in a happy marriage. In their research, the Gottmans observed thousands of “happy couples” and identified common characteristics of those marriages (Gottman, 1999). Maintaining a friendship, creating a satisfying sex life together, and arguing in constructive ways were all high on the list. With regard to expectations, the Gottmans’ work pointed out that there will be problems that are solvable and those that are not. Once that reality is accepted, a couple can move on to solving the solvable ones and finding ways to manage the unsolvable ones, with less frustration about the latter.

Many clinicians have also noted the boost in happiness when couples carve out time to have fun together. Maybe it’s a date night, a mutual interest, or a shared sense of humor. If you don’t have fun together, you’re left with only the shared responsibilities. Whether it’s for relaxation or adventure, taking some time for just the two of you helps to build awareness that you and your partner are on the same team. That awareness builds trust. The ability to resolve conflicts improves as the level of mutual trust increases (Gottman, 1999).

To sum up, the happiest couples tailor their expectations to what is realistic for their own circumstances. They do follow basic guidelines of kindness, respect, and trust that the other person has their back. If you want something more from your marriage, put more into it—more fun, more thoughtfulness, and more trust. As with most things in life, the more effort you put into it, the more you can expect to get out of it.