Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
To My Well-Wishers: This Is The Advice I Don't Need From You As A Single Indian Woman
Recommend this story by bonobology and help it reach more people.
Youth Ki Awaaz is a community of contributors whose stories and perspectives define what matters to today’s generation. Login to write, follow your favourite authors, recommend stories that matter and more.
Sign in or Sign up with your email
If you sign up with Google, Twitter or Facebook, we’ll automatically import your bio which you will be able to edit/change after logging in. Also, we’ll never post to Twitter or Facebook without your permission. We take privacy very seriously. For more info, please see Terms.
New marriage faces extreme grandparenting challenge
Dear Amy: I married a wonderful woman about two years ago. Six months later her widower son moved into our house, with his five children. The children ranged in age from a newborn baby to eight years old.
This “man” couldn’t raise one child, much less five.
The children have had no formal (or any) education, nor medical or dental care. The mother died in childbirth (due to her own lack of medical care) with the baby, who is now 13 months old.
I am a semi-retired psychologist; I love my wife and grandchildren, and I try my best.
I will do anything to save my marriage. However, whenever I try to discuss this situation with my wife, I’m cast as a heartless, uncaring wretch.
She is reluctant (but perhaps willing) to go to therapy with me, but I’m actually afraid to address this, as it is perhaps a deal-breaker.
Of course, we never discussed such a possibility of raising all of these children prior to our marriage.
Advice? Suggestions?
– Upset in the West
Dear Upset: This situation presents one of the most extreme challenges any family could face. As a psychologist, you understand that clear, steady and loving communication is key to your family’s success. However, some of the language you are using to describe how your wife views you (“heartless, uncaring wretch”) is loaded. You should work on that.
As a couple, your inability to cope with your situation will naturally move this into “deal-breaker” territory. Therapy will give you both the tools to move forward as co-parents and grandparents in order to build a strong family unit. Unlike most, you are having to create this family unit instantly, and you all need help.
Present this to your wife as “coaching,” so that you two can hold hands and walk through this together.
Read more:
Her son is the unstable third leg of your family structure. Even if you and your wife manage to get (and stay) on the same page, he is the legal parent of these children.
The children need strong, loving and structured parenting. They must receive medical care and be enrolled in school. They may also need therapy. Your local department of social services should be able to help.
If your wife wants the marriage to succeed for everyone’s mutual benefit, she should agree to receiving professional help.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We are in our late 50s. Our youngest two children are close to graduating from high school, and will be going away to college. We want to retire early and relocate.
The problem is my mother. She’s 87 but is still healthy.
We do not have a great relationship, but she moved here to be close to us 15 years ago. She refuses to live with us, and has declared that she hates where we’re moving.
My siblings can’t take her in. Poor financial decisions on her and my late father’s part means that living in a senior living community is out of reach.
My friends can’t understand how I can just leave her. My husband and I have not had any “us” time, as we’ve had kids our entire marriage. We just want to spend our “Golden Years” enjoying each other’s company.
How do I get through leaving her here? Do I owe it to her to stay?
– What About Us?
Dear What About Us? According to you, your mother’s options are very limited, and ultimately she will be forced into a situation she might not like. But if she relocates to your new town and moves in with you (an option you imply is open to her), it does not solve your desire for “us time.” In fact, it saddles you with your mother full time.
You do not owe it to your mother to stay in your home town, but your retreat does seem statement-making, and hasty. Your kids aren’t even in college yet. Your best bet for the early period of retirement might be to stay where you are for two years or so, and plan to take long trips away.
Dear Amy: “Devastated” was trying to pull her homophobic mother closer to her gay son before the mother’s death.
Thank you for this line regarding the family dynamic: “He is merely practicing your family specialty: avoidance.”
I appreciated that you saw the avoidance connection between all of the involved parties.
– A Fan
Dear Fan: Avoidance certainly has its place; with Thanksgiving coming up, many families will be practicing it.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/10/27/grandparenting-marriage-advice/1669492002/
Dear John: 'I'm a male and my female best friend was told to stop talking to me'
John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples’ retreats.
Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships.
If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.
If you missed last week’s column, it’s here.
Dear John,
A friend of mine recently found out she was cheated on by her boyfriend of three years. She had no idea anything was going on and it has crushed her.
However, she doesn’t want to leave him. Even though his cheating included sleeping with multiple women (one night stands while he’s out with the boys) and lying to her on numerous occasions about it, saying he slept at his friends’ houses, he promises her he has changed so she wants to make it work.
I feel like if he has lied to her about all this cheating, he will lie to her about wanting to change. Am I being a bad friend for not supporting her staying with him? Can a cheater actually change? He says he will do anything but I feel like that’s just another lie.
I’m scared if I tell her my opinion she will hate me, but I feel like I need to. What should I do?
‘I’m scared if I tell my friend my opinion she’ll hate me’ (iStock)
You’re right. In my experience, if you do tell her more about her cheating boyfriend, she’s very likely to turn against you. Particularly when she’s been crushed by his cheating and she still wants to stay and see if he changes. It’s so frustrating to watch, however she’s aware of what he’s done, and she thinks it’s in the past. The best option now for you is to hold your tongue and support her and her choices. It’s going to end very badly, but you need to let her find this out for herself.
I realise that this is a very challenging approach to take with your friend. You want the very best for her and you want her to be treated with respect by her boyfriend. I totally understand. However, she’s in love with him and wants to stay with him regardless of his betrayal. She genuinely believes he can change and wants to give him another chance.
So if you think telling her about the full extent of his cheating will change her mind you’re wrong. If you do this, she’ll very likely side with him, and you’ll lose your friendship with her. Instead of helping her, you’ll be shut out from her relationship and you’ll lose your connection with her. If she has to choose between him or you, she’ll go with him every time.
So don’t fall into the trap of telling her about the betrayal and then encouraging her to leave him. Instead, hold your tongue and be a supportive non-judgemental friend. Listen to her fears and frustrations about him, but don’t give her advice or suggestions. Instead just listen and wait. In time, she’s going to see that she can’t trust her boyfriend, and he’s not changing any time soon. Be patient and remind yourself that she knows about the cheating already and she has chosen to stay for the time being. When she’s ready, she’ll move on and you want to be right by her side when she does this.
Dear John
I have been with my partner for a year now and we having been trying for a kid at his request.
However I have made it quite clear I want to get married or at least engaged soon. We even brought the rings, however he says yes then no and continues to mess with my head in regards to it.
All I keep getting told is that he does not want to be pressured to make a commitment and make the same mistake as he hasn’t even got divorce yet, however he is happy to have a baby with me and whenever I bring marriage up I get cut off and it ends up in a fight.
All I can see is that he wants me to be his baby’s mamma but not his wife.
‘All I can see is that he wants me to be his baby’s mamma but not his wife’ (iStock)
You need to take a harder approach with your partner when it comes to marriage and kids. At the moment, he’s meeting his needs and he’s ignoring yours. You want marriage and commitment, and he wants to avoid this and go straight to having a baby. It seems one sided to me, and if you don’t put your foot down, you’re going to miss out on what you really want from him.
My big worry with all of this, is that he’s very hot and cold with you. He says ‘yes’ to getting engaged and married, but then backs out of this and he still hasn’t completed his divorce. Not only that, when you try to pursue the conversation with him, he shuts it all down and you end up fighting. At the end of the day, you’re right when you say his actions tell you he only wants a baby mamma and not a wife.
So it’s time to draw a line in the sand. You need to make this very simple for him. There will be no more unprotected sex until he’s divorced and he’s put a ring on your finger. It’s needs to be very black and white. You’re in love with him, you want commitment and a family, so he needs to step up. Once he’s followed through with this, then you can start trying for a family.
Now considering what you’ve said about his usual reaction to this type of conversation, he’s going to likely get angry and try to put it back on you. Be strong. Stay calm and make this his problem. If he wants kids with you, he needs to be divorced and get engaged with you. Simple. Then leave it over to him. He’ll then show his true colours. He’ll either step up and meet your needs, or else kids won’t be coming along in your near future. It’s time now to take your power back and observe what he does.
Dear John
I’m a 45 year old man who is going through a significant issue. It’s the disintegration of my 8 year friendship with my female best friend.
I am separated with two teenage kids and she is married with two young kids.
For the last two years we have owned a business together which through ups and downs is starting to thrive after finalising the acquisition of a small business in July. Over the years we have travelled, enjoyed each other’s company, our kids know each other. Being best friends we have often messaged each other with jokes and pictures of our kids and what we are doing.
The problem is that at the start of the year, her husband who has anxiety issues, issued my friend with an ultimatum to not have any male friends because it prevented him having a connection with her… So now in august the entire business was handed over to her, I have been banned from messaging and only work emails are responded to, have been asked for all my business contacts and forgiven all my investment.
Eight years of friendship and $300k disappeared overnight all because I’m male.
Is this common, normal, is there anything I can do??
I miss my friend and all the plans we had. My kids miss my friend also. Is it all just gone?
‘I have been banned from messaging my best friend’ (iStock)
I’m not going to lie to you, this is what typically happens when a someone in a relationship has to choose between their partner or their friend. In your case, your female friend has been asked by her husband to cut you out of her life completely, both business and personal, and you’re now on the outer. It hurts and seems so drastic, but she has made the decision that her marriage is more important than you. So it’s time to suck it up and accept that she’s no longer going to be a major player in your life.
The most important thing for you now is to change your mindset around this. At the moment you sound hopeful of something changing. That perhaps there’s something you can do to re-kindle the relationship you have with her. You can’t. You now need to accept this. Her husband has spoken. He’s given her an ultimatum and she has chosen to cut you and your kids out of her life moving forward. There’s no room for discussion or negotiation. It’s done.
I realise this will be painful to hear. I’m sure you’ll find this unfair and unreasonable. I get it. But it’s done. She has had to follow this course of action to save her marriage. It’s not personal. He has anxiety issues and he wants to cut all men out of her life so he can focus on re-connecting with her. It’s not just you, it’s all men.
So it’s time now to move on. Embrace and accept her decision and cut all ties with her and her kids. You’re going to grieve and experience ongoing pain for some time over this loss, but don’t hang on. Instead, focus on creating new friendships and pursue new business interests, and understand that sometimes decisions will be made outside of your control that you don’t like, but you’ll have to accept. She’s gone, and now you need to set your sights on creating a new chapter in your life.
The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.
Unsolicited Advice for Megyn Kelly
Megyn Kelly’s elopement with NBC was a marriage that almost nobody wanted to see work.
Her new colleagues at the network resented the $20 million annual salary she reportedly collected upon arriving at the network in 2017. Today show veterans viewed her new show, Megyn Kelly Today as an interloper that succeeded only in garnering worse ratings than an existing show in the Today franchise (Today’s Take) in the network’s line-up. Liberals and centrists found outrage in a conservative media star from the Fox News Channel being rewarded with a prestigious broadcast slot. Many fans of her old Fox show wished her ill for having so aggressively questioned Donald Trump in a Republican presidential debate, and some of her Fox colleagues had it in for her for turning against Fox News founder Roger Ailes, the man who made her a star, in her memoir.
Story Continued Below
The only person Kelly had in her corner was Andrew Lack, the NBC news division chairman who hired her. But after committing her “blackface“ gaffe this week, Lack’s support wasn’t enough, and the Kelly-haters have gotten their wish. Even though Kelly apologized on air—she seemed close to tears and the audience gave her a standing ovation—the network has killed her show. “Megyn Kelly Today is not returning,” an NBC spokesperson told USA Today on Friday. “Next week, the 9 a.m. hour will be hosted by other Today co-anchors.”
That Kelly’s morning show was doomed from the start should have been obvious. The successful morning shows have long depended on female hosts who know how to play the role of America’s sweetheart. But Kelly’s journalistic strengths—she can be a tough interviewer—did not stretch in that direction. Her iciness, which often worked to her advantage in night-time performances in front of a conservative audience, chilled morning audiences as viewers saw through her attempts to warm or soften her image. Beyond the blackface remarks, Kelly’s miscues weren’t that egregious by contemporary standards—the biggest rap against her was that she offended Debra Messing and Jane Fonda with her bluntness. (Apparently, it’s not considered courageous journalism to ask about a woman’s plastic surgery.) Had a Regis Philbin or a Kelly Ripa done the same, they could have drawn on the goodwill of their audience to tide them over. Flailing in the ratings, Kelly had no such reserve on which to draw and paid the price.
Could it have worked out differently? Perhaps NBC didn’t take into account that the majority of the morning audience had only a vague idea who Kelly was when the network injected her in their morning routine. Perhaps if it had given her a softer landing by first assigning her guest slots on the regular Today show and dispatching her to other news programs, the network could have acclimated viewers to her relative brittleness. When NBC signed Kelly, its seemed like that was the plan. It fashioned a starring role for her—a Sunday magazine to call her own and a place in election coverage and other news programming. But the magazine flopped and Kelly failed to make much of a mark in the network’s news line-up. The only consistent item in Lack’s a-star-is-reborn rollout was the morning show, and that wasn’t enough.
Kelly’s failure was not entirely her fault. The news networks have a long history of raiding their competitors for talent and attempting to turn the raided talent into bigger stars. CBS News stole Katie Couric from Today and tried to turn her into an evening anchor. ABC News stole Barbara Walters from Today and Harry Reasoner from CBS News and tried to turn them into an evening anchor team. They all failed—if by failed you mean did not set their network’s ratings on fire.
TV star power is a delicate thing and cannot easily be transplanted, as I wrote in 2017. Couric, Meredith Vieira, Jane Pauley (another one-time Today star) and Anderson Cooper—all genuine TV royalty—bombed when they attempted to move their personas into a daytime TV slot, or in Pauley’s case, a different daytime slot. For reasons of personality or familiarity, audiences did not take to them. One advantage they had over Kelly was that their shows were not so intensely hyped, so their cancellation got little notice outside the industry.
Can Kelly’s career come back from her brainless blackface comment? As MSNBC Joy Reid learned after her old homophobic blog posts were uncovered, TV fans can be a forgiving lot. Whether NBC can forgive her is another matter. If Kelly seeks steady work, all she needs to do is find a way to reconnect with her old night-time audience that doesn’t demand sincere smiles from its hosts. But seeing as that old audience belongs to Fox and she burned that bridge, that’s not an option. Kelly’s best hope is that Sinclair Broadcast Group finally gets it act together and starts competing in earnest with Fox. Faster than you can sing “Together Again,” Sinclair could rebottle that old magic by hiring Kelly and fellow Fox veterans Bill O’Reilly and Greta Van Susteren.
Crazier things have happened.
******
Where should Kelly go? Send ideas via email mail to Shafer.Politico@gmail.com. My email alerts want a cooking show. My Twitter feed seeks a role as the host of Firing Line after the current and second host flames out. My RSS feed refuses to go on TV.
