Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Commit to abstinence outside of marriage; you won't regret it
I am a big proponent of abstinence, but not just for the reasons you might assume. Some of the major religions speak to this issue in terms of respecting the dignity of human sexuality and the sacredness of marital love. For example, Catholic Christianity considers chastity “a form of the virtue of temperance, which controls, according to right reason, the desire and use of those things which afford the greatest sensual pleasure.” In the Jewish tradition, the sexual act in the context of marriage is one of immense significance, which requires commitment and responsibility. In the Islamic tradition, chastity is viewed as “state of spiritual and physical cleanliness.” While I respect and acknowledge these and other moral views, in this article, I focus solely on the medical and practical reasons that undergird abstinence. While abstinence is the only way to truly ensure avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, there are other benefits we should also consider.
First, abstinence helps you keep a level head while considering if your relationship is built to last. Sex early in the relationship often catapults a relationship to a deeper emotional state than it is prepared to have. During courtship, couples are supposed to learn about each other’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and hobbies and interests. They learn about each other’s imperfections and determine whether or not they complement the other’s weaknesses. Will the couple be stronger together than they are alone? Do they handle conflict well? If sex occurs too early in the relationship, this often clouds judgment. It also reduces the opportunity to find other common interests and explore each other’s personality in deeper ways. If most dates end in intercourse, the couple has less opportunity to find other common activities they can both enjoy together. Many heartaches could be avoided if couples learned about their incompatibility earlier in the relationship, before the emotional draw from sex makes this harder to see.
Second, abstinence builds character. It is hard to avoid the temptation of sex, yet learning to overcome this helps us to avoid other temptations in the future that can lead to other problems. The battle is in the mind and what thoughts we choose to ponder. People desiring abstinence should usually avoid watching R-rated movies with sexual content, TV shows promoting promiscuity, and pornography. Once these images are captured by the mind, they are more difficult to overcome. Physical limits should also be set. While I usually recommend “nothing below the neck,” for some, that may still be too much. Learning to avoid sexual temptations will develop the same techniques needed to avoid other temptations later in life, like the temptations to spend money recklessly, use drugs, have an extramarital affair or drink alcohol to excess. These are the real challenges in adulthood that can destroy families and traumatize children. The strength of character and coping skills learned through abstinence can have lasting positive benefits to the person’s future family.
Third, abstinence builds respect. Most would agree that families benefit from having strong relationships with the in-laws after marriage. Young man, what is the best way for you to gain the respect of the parents for the girl you are dating? Young woman, what is the best way for you to gain respect of the parents for the boy you are dating? Parents deeply admire teens who make good decisions and develop coping strategies that overcome temptations that might otherwise cause them to make bad decisions. Parents deeply fear that sexual consequences will reduce their child’s opportunities and potential, and lead to lasting negative effects. Easing that fear by committing to abstinence is one of the easiest ways to start earning their respect.
Adults: keep in mind that this advice is for you, also. If you are a single parent, modeling abstinence for your children will be one of the best opportunities you have to encourage them to be abstinent themselves. Even if you are older, you can still reap the benefits of abstinence in the maturing of your character, the strengthening of your relationships and the development of respect from your partner and their family.
In summary, there are medical, practical, as well as moral reasons why abstinence is a good idea. Avoiding pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases is an obvious benefit, yet there are other benefits that are difficult to quantify and often unappreciated. Do you want to keep a level head when deciding if your partner is right for you? Do you want to develop a strong character and earn the trust of your sweetheart’s family? Commit to abstinence. You won’t regret it.
Dr. Janet Hurley is medical director of population health at Christus Trinity Clinic and president of the Texas Academy of Family Physicians.
Singer's voice gets him audition with piano man
Jimmy Martin heard Drew Jansen before he saw him.
Jimmy had just moved back to Minneapolis from New York. It was 1988, and he was with friends visiting the piano bar he had opened and played as featured pianist in for five years before he left. The woman he had sold it to had invited Drew to perform while she took a break that night.
The first time I saw my future spouse:
Drew says: “I thought he had great energy.”
Jimmy says: “I noticed his blue eyes.”
On our wedding day:
Drew says: “We were putting our house on the market literally days after the wedding. We had to keep the house clean, showable at a moment’s notice.”
Jimmy says: “We already had tuxedos so we decided to buy ties at an upscale men’s store in Little Rock. I handed them my platinum American Express, which was a big deal — we were going to be moving here and I wanted to impress them — and he hands me the thing and it was $375.”
My advice for a long happy marriage:
Drew says: “Laugh.”
Jimmy says: “And care.”
“My back was to the piano when he started to sing and I thought to myself, ‘Who is that?’ And I turned around and I saw him and I said, ‘Who is that?!'” Jimmy says.
When Drew finished singing, Jimmy introduced himself. They talked for hours that night, joined by a couple of friends.
“We closed the bar down and they had to kick us out,” Drew says. “It was a lovely conversation.”
They saw each other off and on throughout that summer.
“I would be playing somewhere and he would come in and I would go on a break and go sit and visit with him and I would think, ‘Well this is so nice, he’s come in to see me,'” Jimmy says. “Well, he would talk to me for a few minutes and then he would say, ‘Well, I’m going to go and talk with so-and-so now.'”
Drew wasn’t looking for a relationship, but when Jimmy bumped into him in downtown Minneapolis he decided to take a chance.
“I said, ‘I’m not a lonely person. I’m going to try this one more time and if this doesn’t work, I’m done,'” Jimmy says. “So I said, ‘Are you available Monday night for dinner?’ and he said, ‘I am.'”
That Monday is the day they celebrate as their anniversary — Aug. 28, 1988 — although it would be 26 years before they could formally exchange their marriage vows.
In the meantime, they enjoyed road trips together and spent time with friends. Both were involved in the Twin Cities Theater community.
“We were always involved in theatrical productions of one type or another, though very rarely together,” Drew says.
Drew tagged along when Jimmy performed with Carmel Quinn, of the Arthur Godfrey Show, at the Irish Repertory Theater in Manhattan, and Jimmy went with Drew when he did an industrial show at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
They did — and still do — crossword puzzles together and watched Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune and reruns of The Golden Girls.
They were in Savannah, Ga., for their anniversary in 2013 when Drew proposed. He had bought a $25 ring in one of the shops along the boardwalk before they had dinner at the Olde Pink House.
“I found a box with a little etching of the name ‘Jimmy’ in a ship so I put it in that and actually the box cost more than the ring,” Drew says. “But I did the whole get-down-on-one-knee thing after dinner and the whole room just exploded in applause.”
He had been nervous about the process, but not about how Jimmy would respond.
“By this point we had long gotten to the ‘this is forever’ phase,” Drew says. “And to be honest, the reason we chose the particular date that we got married is because that’s when the caterer was available.”
They had a garden wedding on May 24, 2014, in the backyard of their home, which they were preparing to put on the market right after they were married so they could move to Little Rock to be near Drew’s family.
“It was a very small wedding,” Jimmy says. “My children and grandchildren and my former wife and her husband — how about that? — were there.”
Jimmy has three children — Jimmy, Nora and Aaron, all of Minneapolis, as well as four grandchildren.
The minister passed Jimmy and Drew’s wedding rings around during the ceremony so their guests could hold them while sharing wishes for the couple’s future.
“Isn’t that beautiful?” Jimmy says. “One of my sons said, ‘I will always love you for being honest with us.’ And I thought, ‘Wow, that was a biggie,’ because sometimes you don’t know if what you’re telling them is what you should be telling them, even though it’s the truth. That one I remember in particular.”
Jimmy and Drew don’t often perform together, but they will be doing a fundraiser together for Argenta Community Theater. The Piano Men, as they’re called, will perform a musical celebration called What Matters Most, featuring Kathryn Pryor and Judy Trice, on Nov. 2 and 3 at the theater. Tickets are $100 per couple or $60 per individual.
“Partnered since 1988 and married since 2014, Jimmy and Drew celebrated 30 years together in August,” the news release about the event reads. “And that’s What Matters Most!’
“We’re different enough that we work together beautifully and I love the times we get the opportunity to do that,” Drew says. “If you’re writing a musical during the day and rehearsing it at night then you’re just not going to be around for a while, and some people might not understand that and we do. We each understand and support each other in whatever we’re doing.”
If you have an interesting how-we-met story or if you know someone who does, please call (501) 425-7228 or email:
kimdishongh@gmail.com
Jimmy Martin and Drew Jansen met in 1988. Jimmy says he likely would not have pursued a relationship if he had known the age difference — he was 45 to Drew’s 27. “Eighteen years was a much bigger difference then than it is now,” Drew says. “Our references, our pop cultural references, our loves, were so similar that the age thing was never an issue.”
High Profile on 10/21/2018
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Camille Grammer Gets Married in Hawaii
Camille Grammer is a married woman again!
E! News can confirm that the 50-year-old Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star has wed beau David C. Meyer, an attorney. The two tied the knot at a private beach club in Hawaii in front of family and friends, including many of her co-stars. Fellow Housewives star Lisa Vanderpump did not attend.
Camille and David went public with their relationship in March 2017 after dating for a few months. They had met through mutual friends at a party.
“He’s a lawyer. We’ve been together for almost a year,” Camille told Bravo’s The Daily Dish last year. “Things are really good. It’s nice to be in a relationship again. I was alone for a while, but I needed to be. But now it’s nice. I like having a companion in life. He gives me really good advice and we get along really well.”
Camille and David’s engagement was announced in October 2017.
This is the second marriage for Camille, who finalized a divorce from Frasier alum Kelsey Grammer in 2011 after more than 13 years of marriage. The two share two children, daughter Mason Grammer, 16, and son Jude Grammer, 14.
Camille was Kelsey’s third wife. The actor also has five other children, including three with his fourth and current wife, Kayte Grammer.
On Saturday morning, one of Camille’s wedding guests, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards, posted on her Instagram page a photo of her, Camille and co-stars Dorit Kemsley, Lisa Rinna and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave standing by a pool.
“With the beautiful bride to be @therealcamille,” Kyle wrote.
Lisa was not pictured. Kyle commented, in response to a fan asking about her whereabouts, that she was invited to the wedding. She also told another fan, “This is about Camille. It’s a special time for her.”
Days earlier, Camille posted on her Instagram page photos of her standing on a beach in Hawaii and wearing a bikini, writing, “Morning training Hawaiian style. Just finished a wonderful 2.8 mile paddle and swim. Took a few underwater pics of an two eagle rays swimming beneath us. #lifeinremission#cancersurvivor #survivor.”
Camille has battled two types of cancer over the years.
A couple of months after her and David’s engagement was announced, the reality star revealed that she underwent a procedure to remove a squamous cell carcinoma, or skin cancer, which was found early. In 2013, she underwent a hysterectomy after being diagnosed with endometrial cancer. In 2015, she celebrated one year of being in remission.
Congrats to the newlyweds!
Woman carries weight of mother-in-law's paternity secret
Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law told me she questions her son’s (my husband’s) paternity. She claims her ex, his father, doesn’t know. She said she wanted me to know in case something happens to her and there’s a medical reason to know such information.
She didn’t want to tell him because she fears how it might affect her relationship with him.
I feel like I’m keeping a secret from my husband. I don’t think it’s my place to tell him though. Do I just carry the weight of this information and not say anything? Do I tell her she needs to disclose this to him or I will?
– Carrying the Weight
Explain to her, calmly and kindly, that you understand her concern that telling him might affect her relationship with her son.
However – and unfortunately – your having this knowledge and keeping it from him has already started to affect your relationship with her son.
Read more:
And you can’t have that. You can’t hold her secret – one you never asked for – in your marriage.
Once you spell out the problem for her, then, yes, you say she needs to tell him or you will. I’m sorry you’re on this spot.
Dear Carolyn: I have a chronic health problem I’ve been dealing with for a couple years now. I can’t eat a whole bunch of things and had some weight loss. A lot of people, even good friends and family, can’t just say they’re sorry I’m suffering, they have to comment, “You look great!” or even, “I wish I had that problem!”
I never wanted to lose weight! And they seem to think I should be happy about this. And the cultural pressure to be slender is so strong I can’t complain or just get really mad at them for this “compliment” … it’s infuriating. I don’t believe in commenting on people’s weight – good, bad or indifferent. And having them comment on my weight as if it’s supposed to somehow offset my suffering is so infuriating. Any clever suggestions?
– Infuriated
Clever, no, but meet my buddy “frank”:
“The sickest thing here isn’t me, it’s that our preoccupation with weight is now so profound that my sickness is seen as a blessing.”
I realize you have much bigger battles to fight than our society’s warped values, but if you ever feel up to it, then, please, take a good swing at it.
Otherwise, have this handy: “I know you mean well/are just joking, but comments about weight aren’t helpful to me.”
Dear Carolyn: I know how you feel about snooping, but now that I have snooped, I don’t know what to do with the disturbing info.
We have been married 30 years and have two grown children. To the outside world we are “perfect.”
He is very attentive and we have an active sex life.
But … you knew something was coming. He had been communicating with a woman. Naked pics from her. It seems she is the aggressor, but he is an active participant.
He denies anything but friendship. He is not aware I’ve seen the texts. I know my choices, really, but just need someone to talk to.
– Help
Then really talk to someone. Your concern for “the outside world” (which it probably doesn’t deserve, but that’s a separate battle) suggests you talk to a therapist for the confidentiality alone.
A good therapist can also help you figure out what to do next, why you’re here in the first place – including what drove you to snoop – and how to tell your husband what you did. “Soon” is what I recommend, unless he’s abusive, in which case safety displaces integrity as your top priority.
But that leakproof room is what I recommend most: In it, you can practice saying difficult things – out loud, when you need to say them – instead of sneaking in through the back door.
Dear Carolyn: I am an 82-year-old woman in good health and living independently. I have two grown kids living 15 to 20 minutes away. We all have a good relationship, but I see them infrequently, and they call maybe once or twice a week. I want more. I have friends and a fairly active social life but I want more from my kids.
I think it is not too much to ask that each one make it a point to see me once a month. I have dropped hints but nothing has changed. I have not come right out to ask for what I want because I think if they do not visit willingly it will cause resentment, so what’s the point. Your thoughts?
– H.
One thought: By waiting for them to read your mind, you’re getting the resentment anyway, without any visits to show for it.
Just say what you want, please: “I’d love to set up a standing visit – say, every first Sunday. How does that sound?”
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/10/21/paternity-secret-marriage-advice/1669258002/
