Relationships Talk

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A swinging couple stood up by a potential third wants revenge, a letter writer’s dad doesn’t want her to move in with her boyfriend, a reminder that I don’t hand out cheating licenses to just ANYONE, and a longtime reader/listener/voguer wants me to stop recommending pot to my callers. And, as always, last week’s column and Savage Lovecast.

On opening up marriages:

I wanted to write today to say thank you for being one of the few sane voices out there talking about the shortcomings of monogamy. After some increasingly rocky months, my spouse agreed that we should try opening things up. This wasn’t the optimal situation to open under, but she insisted that she did not feel pressured, just aware that we were failing, as a couple, and willing to try anything that might help save the marriage. And it has helped (everything except my schedule). I have a few partners now, and I feel unbelievably lucky. I come home happier to see my spouse, I’m reminded of what it feels like to be a good partner and put energy into my relationships, and I also get the sweet kinky sex I need. I don’t know if my marriage will survive long term, but I’m more ok with the possibility of it ending, too, if it needs to. I feel like myself again, and like I can respect myself again. You were a lifeline as I was trying to figure this shit out, Dan. Thank you for being a public face on what most of us would suffer through in silence otherwise. It makes such a difference.

When non-monogamy (everything from an infidelity to a threesome to opening up) ends a marriage, non-monogamy gets the blame. When non-monogamy saves a marriage, non-monogamy gets no credit. I realize the LW says she doesn’t know if her marriage will survive long-term, but it sounds like she and the wife are happier now than they were before they opened up their marriage—at least according to the LW (which is all we have to go; it’s all we ever have to go on)—and the happier a marriage is the likelier it is to survive.

On Dr. Lori Brotto and SORD:

As a part time Buddhist/meditator/mindfulness practitioner, I love the advice given by Dr. Lori Brotto. I have a very hectic work schedule and a lot of demands on me made by my business and volunteer work. Nothing kills arousal quicker than drifting off and thinking about a work problem in the middle of sex. Unfortunately that happens to me sometimes. It isn’t caused by my partner and it is not intended by me, but it happens. The way I recover from that is by practicing mindfulness when having sex with my husband (I am a married gay man). I have many little tricks that come from meditation practice that allow me to focus my mind back to the present moment and engage with him. A few things that are helpful are: 1) setting a little time aside before sex to relax and get myself in the right mood, 2) Focus on something we are doing and try to engage my entire mind on that act (such as really focusing on feeling what is happening to my body or what I am doing with his body), 3) Doing a very simple personal role play where I imagine my role at the moment and use it like a mantra repeating it in my head while we play.

I am sure there are a lot more tricks that one can bring to bear. These are only examples. The real trick for me is not to be distracted or fantasizing about something else but to be focusing on the here and now, what we are doing as a couple and how I feel. I engage with my feelings and with my interactions with my partner. If something intrusive flashes in my head in the middle of making love I gently guide myself back to the present moment, possibly using one of my tricks, and allow my focus to nudge the distracting thoughts away. It takes a little practice and requires that you also forgive yourself for being distracted and then allow yourself to re-engage.

I think anyone can learn to do this and it would be helpful. My husband and I have never discussed this and I don’t believe he is aware of what I am doing in my head. What he does tell me is how lucky he is and that he knows not everyone gets to experience such great sex. As long as he is saying that and I feel the same there is nothing we need to discuss.

Bravo to Dr. Brotto!

Enjoyed Brotto’s thoughts on mindfulness in my column? You’ll want to read Brotto’s new book on mindfulness.

On weed:

I too am a long time reader and fan of your advice in terms of love, relationship and the invention of hilarious re-naming of awful political figures. I too work in the field of mental health and I cringe every time you tell someone to try pot to treat anxiety or depression.

Yes, I agree that marijuana is not the demon that the government and medical professionals made it out to be in the bad ol’ “reefer madness” days. Yes, I agree that criminalizing marijuana and jailing users was a waste of time and resources for this country. Yes, I agree that marijuana use does not make any particular person bad. Though I was offended by your colleges suggestion that as a therapist I was likely to “shame” clients about their use. (“Their therapist will likely see signs of troubling pot use.”) But NO. I will not stand up and say that marijuana is a good or useful for most or many people who are struggling with mental health issues. And I will flat out beg parents and teens themselves to do anything in their power to limit teen and young adults access to marijuana, especially if there is a family history of mental illness. Because I have met the teens who find themselves psychotic disorganized and in pretty terrible condition because they smoked pot. I have met the people who had their first psychotic break at the age of 12 and research tells me they have some real likelihood of long term impacts from their use. Here’s a leaflet I like that I think offers a balanced perspective on the relative risks and benefits of pot use. Pot isn’t some demon. But I don’t think it’s a cure either.

Regarding ARARB:

You missed a spot! In the end of your advice to ARARB, you said, “Dad, if worse come to worse and my relationship falls apart, the last thing you should want is for me to hesitate to turn to my family when I need your support for fear of hearing ‘I told you so.'” Which is true, but I think you missed the much more pertinent, “Dad, if worse come to worse and my relationship falls apart, the last thing you should want is for me to be married when I/we could have had a practice run first!”

And what she said:

FUCK YOU @ChuckGrassley
FUCK YOU @OrrinHatch
FUCK YOU @JohnCornyn
FUCK YOU @ThomTillis
FUCK YOU @SenMikeLee
FUCK YOU @BenSasse
FUCK YOU @tedcruz
FUCK YOU @MikeCrapo
FUCK YOU @SenJohnKennedy

and

FUCK YOU @senatemajldr

and finally

GO FUCK YOURSELF @LindseyGrahamSC

— Kathy Griffin (@kathygriffin) October 4, 2018

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“Point!” my wife yells.

We are in the kitchen making tacos. It is Wednesday, not Tuesday. Themed meal days are not for us. Neither, for that matter, are such terms as hump day, throwback Thursday, or low-hanging fruit. In any case: tacos. The radio was on, I was browning some of the filling, and my wife was dicing a tomato. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but I do remember that I said a forbidden phrase: “I dunno.”

“Mark it down,” she says and does a little dance before throwing her arm up in celebration. I leave the browning meat for a moment and add another line on the chalkboard beneath my name. One point for being indecisive.

Talk to any couple’s therapist and they tell you not to keep score with your partner, that tallying fights won and lost or tracking, say, times you watched the kids when your wife went out with her friends, is an easy way to grow resentful and sour a relationship. They’re right, of course. Marriage is about compromise and teamwork and sitting on the couch at night staring blankly at your phones without speaking to one another for too long an amount of time. Tabulating wins and losses accomplishes nothing. However, my wife and I keep score not to track who won or lost an argument; we do so to hold one another accountable for the annoying little habits we’ve vowed to abolish — or at least greatly reduce — from our daily lives. It’s a means of holding one another’s feet to the fire and, as it turns out, becoming closer as well.

The point system we use is a modified version of one I used with my college roommates. It happened organically: When living in a house with six guys, you can get frustrated with one another’s habits. You also recognize them better than anyone else. No, not things like leaving dishes out or farting in the hallway, but the little personality ticks one might not realize they had. My roommate Kevin, for instance, loved to use unnecessarily large words just because he could (point!). My roommate Zach planned everything way too far in advance (point!). I apologized too much (point!). We each had a thing and it was decided which thing it was you needed to be aware of and seek to correct. It was fun to scream out “point!” in unison when someone did their thing; it was also fun, when senior year came about, to realize that we didn’t call one another out as much. Because we’d evicted those habits.

It’s not a stretch to say that living with your partner makes you acutely aware of their bad habits. So a few years into living with one another, my wife and I enacted a similar point system. The rules are this: you can only keep track of two bad habits apiece at a time (mine, for instance, are indecisiveness and slurping loudly) The person who has this habit needs to be okay with being called out on it (That is, if they get called out it, they’ll react with an eye-roll instead of a higher emotion). Finally, during moments when one is in a crummy mood, the other partner has to use their discretion and let things slide.

The whole system, well, works. Part of the reason is because we’re each willing to look at and try to sand away the parts of ourselves we might not realize are sharp; the other is because we’re both innately competitive people who like having a game to play and a scoreboard to point at. It works out. Another element in this is, of course, that we love each other and don’t want to be that much of a source of annoyance for the other. We’ve both witnessed relationships deteriorate because one partner didn’t tend to the parts of themselves that needed some work. Who hasn’t?

At end of the day, it’s a way of holding yourself accountable. Who better to monitor this than the person you love. I dunno, it just makes sense. Point!

Pastor Adeboye “Go to your Pastor first to consult for marriage before your parent” - RCCG G.O’s wife

This marriage advice has received a lot of negative reactions online.