Relationships Talk

It seems like just yesterday that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. were co-starring in I Know What You Did Last Summer. And while plenty of things have changed over the last 16 years that they’ve been married, the one thing that hasn’t is how strong the couple’s bond is. Sarah and Freddie have certainly proved that true love is not dead, and the duo even recently shared their secret to maintaining a strong and happy marriage.

“Communicate. That’s the key. It’s about being present,” the 41-year-old actress revealed in the newest issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now. “Listening is the most important thing.” To add to his wife’s advice, Freddie, 42, said, “We still make each other laugh. And we treat each other with respect.” Aww!

Sarah and Freddie stressed that these qualities will ensure a healthy relationship. It also allows them to have shared interests which, for the couple, involves going out with friends and making home-cooked meals for their family-of-four. Sarah and Freddie most recently went on a double date with Charmed alum Shannen Doherty and her husband, Kurt Iswarienko.

Having respect for each other but also being able to laugh is vital in a relationship, especially when you have young kids. And even though Sarah and Freddie, who share daughter Charlotte, 9, and son Rocky, 6, love spending time with their family, they also yearn for alone time, too. “From the first time we kissed, I didn’t go on another date — it was just Sarah,” Freddie gushed of his wife.

This isn’t the first time that Sarah and Freddie have dished some helpful relationship advice. The power couple, who became friends in 1997 after Freddie would drive the Buffy the Vampire Slayer star to set when they filmed I Know What You Did Last Summer, gave some hilarious words of wisdom back in September when they celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary.

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“Someone told me marriage is like a deck of cards,” Sarah wrote in an Instagram post for the couple’s anniversary after tying the knot in 2002. “In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. But years later, you wish you had a club and a spade. #HappyAnniversary.” Too funny!

If you’re going to follow any relationship advice, we suggest you take Sarah and Freddie’s words to heart. After all, they have been married for over 16 years! And even though they’re both household names, staying out of the Hollywood spotlight has been a huge benefit for their marriage. Can you say #relationshipgoals?!

Put your political perspective and pop culture fandom aside for a moment. Regardless of how you feel about her legal rulings, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg may have some wise career and life advice for you and me. Lately, I have been binging on films, documentaries, biographies, and collections of writing about and by the almost 86 year old justice, also known as the “Notorious RBG.” My binge began with the excellent movie, On the Basis of Sex, starring Felicity Jones as law school student and early-career attorney Ginsburg. Ironically, I saw the movie one day before the Supreme Court announced Justice Ginsburg’s first-ever absence from the bench during Supreme Court oral arguments. Her recent surgery and the necessary recovery time necessitated her unprecedented absence (she will follow the arguments using transcripts from home). As I wish her a speedy recovery and continue my RBG binge, I have been imagining the life and career coaching Justice Ginsburg might offer me if I was to somehow coax her away from the most powerful legal seat in the country, her legendary fitness workouts, and her love for the opera. Here is the advice I imagine she might offer.

Advice for those considering or in a marriage or lifetime partnership

Justice Ginsburg was married to her Cornell classmate, Martin Ginsburg, for 56 years until his passing from cancer. A key feature of their relationship was that they appeared to avoid traditional gender roles. Many heterosexual couples rely on the gender roles dictated by societal norms to determine who cooks dinner, who comforts the children, and who downgrades their professional aspirations to make room for the other partner’s work demands. The norms shape the marriage early on, and the roles calcify into permanent responsibilities, despite the many ways in which life evolves and gets complicated over time. Ruth and Marty remained fluid. Early on, Ruth cooked, and later, Marty took over. Early on, Marty’s career dominated, and then Ruth’s took over. For his time, Marty was an extraordinarily progressive husband, well known for his vocal and active support of his wife’s career.

When my female MBA students seek career advice from me, I often encourage them to consider the lifetime commitments they make with great care. I tell them that nothing will affect their career more than decisions they make about life partners, and whether they are willing and able to negotiate with those partners about domestic responsibilities. Marty Ginsburgs are neither easy nor impossible to find (I am fortunate to be married to one myself). Because today’s societal norms still do not support true egalitarianism in a marriage as evidenced by many studies of domestic division of labor, any redistribution will have to come from within the marriage itself. I imagine Justice Ginsburg would counsel everyone in or considering a marriage to be ready to resist norms and be fluid in their roles, particularly men married to women.

One danger of the iconic narrative that is dominating pop culture about Justice Ginsburg’s life is that it glosses over the day to day challenges she faced as a working mother in a society which did not support her or her husband’s choices, despite their valiant efforts to be fluid. When Ginsburg’s son’s principal kept calling her alone when issues arose at school, she reminded the principal that her son had two parents and asked that they alternate which parent was called. She faced both overt and subtle gender bias in the workplace, and frankly, many of us might have been overcome by attending a law school with no female restrooms and being shunned by law firms despite being first in your class. To support her husband’s career, she moved to New York City before completing her law degree at Harvard, and her female-student-resenting dean would not allow her to remain a Harvard student. Many would have dropped out, but she found a way to attend Columbia Law School instead. The only reason she had any job at all after graduating from the top of Harvard and Columbia Law Schools was that a determined faculty mentor used all his social capital to convince a reluctant judge to hire the recent graduate as a clerk. Many of us would have checked out professionally at this point. Again, Ginsburg did not.

Much has been written about opting in versus opting out, leaning in versus leaning back, staying in the game versus staying at home. I am making a different point, which is borne out by Justice and Marty Ginsburg’s example. Regardless of what life and career choices make sense for you and your loved ones, if you value your profession, stay connected and up to date. Do not completely check out. And pick a partner who will not let you check out. Because Ginsburg stayed connected to her legal work, albeit not in her chosen field of corporate law, and because her husband supported her doing so, her options were always expanding throughout her life despite the shut doors. I think she would encourage us to partner wisely and fluidly.

Advice for those who are older than they used to be

Justice Ginsburg is almost 86 years old, and like a number of women today (as highlighted in this recent article), she remains a powerhouse.  She was already 60 years old when she was appointed to the Supreme Court, making her the oldest junior justice at the time of appointment amongst the current justices; the others were originally appointed between the ages of 43 and 56. I suspect some of the Senators who supported her nomination (96 to 3 votes voted to confirm her nomination) would have put up more resistance if Justice Ginsburg had seemed less like their unconscious stereotype of a petite grandmother and more like their unconscious stereotype of a formidable adversary. Her relatively smooth confirmation could be an example of what I have called the “stereotype tax”, an instance when stereotypes are costly to the stereotype holder (which is not partisan, I suspect senators of both parties fell victim to this unconscious bias).

Still, studies show that ageism is a real force that each of us will (hopefully live long enough to) eventually face. How does Justice Ginsburg counter this bias? I believe that her lifelong multi-tasking, side hustle habit – which she may or may not have intentionally adopted – plays a role. Justice Ginsburg has always juggled multiple professional and family commitments.  She was a mother and caregiver to her husband (diagnosed with cancer) during law school, noting that her caregiving responsibilities were an advantage as they forced a widening of interests and shifting of focus. Later, she was a professor at Rutgers and Columbia Law Schools while working as an attorney arguing cases with the ACLU, expanding her network and impact outside of her academic circles. In the moment, the stress of multi-tasking was countered by the emotional buffer of having multiple identities.

Justice Ginsburg’s multi-tasking appears to have been borne of necessity but it has played an essential role as she has gotten older. At ages when she might have voluntarily or involuntarily been aged out of full-time roles, she was consistently being exposed to new people, new issues, and new opportunities. She was still trying and learning new things, including beginning to work out in her 60s and 70s. She was not dependent on any one institution or person for her income or her identity, making her more likely to take the kind of risks that advance one’s career, as she did in multiple pathbreaking legal battles, long before she joined the Supreme Court.

A recent CBS This Morning segment argues that side hustles are an important way to counter ageism, and Justice Ginsburg’s career would support this advice. Here is the life and career coaching that I glean from Justice Ginsburg’s example. As you approach your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s, what opportunity can you add to your life that will broaden your interests and increase your visibility? What interest can you pursue that will deepen your skills while diversifying your sources of emotional well-being? What income source can you generate that will create an alternate path when your industry is disrupted, your skills become obsolete, or you are deemed “non-value-added”?

Advice for those who are in the minority

Justice Ginsburg has a vivid recollection of seeing “no dogs or Jews” signs when she was a child. She came of age during the Holocaust and in the 8^th grade, she wrote an essay for her synagogue bulletin about how “we are part of a world whose unity has been almost completely shattered”. Later in her life, she spoke of the connection she saw between anti-Nazi-ism and the civil rights movement in the United States. Fighting injustice has been a critical focus of her life, whether for herself or for others.

She appears optimistic, perhaps because of her deep respect for what has come before her and the progress which has been made. Her writing and speaking is rife with historical references. This investment in knowing how things were before and whose tired shoulders one is standing on seems to have served Justice Ginsburg well as she faced anti-Semitism both as a child and adult. I imagine that it is what has helped her retain a tenacious sense of hope, even when facing tremendous odds against her and the cases she fought for. She seems hyper-aware of injustice and committed to fighting it, and yet patient in the face of it.

I struggle with this a bit, worried that patience in the face of slow progress is the kind of advice that those not overtly harmed by lack of progress are likely to give. It can be code for complacency or concessions. But, a close examination of Justice Ginsburg’s life and work suggests this was not what was happening with her. Her patience should not be confused with acceptance. She consciously took on a role of educating others, even in adversarial legal contexts. She is not known for overwhelming charisma or humor, but her interpersonal superpower is that she can separate the task from the person. To this, end, Justice Ginsburg’s friendship with Justice Antonin Scalia has become legendary. They spent New Year’s Eve’s together and relished conversations about the opera, despite their diametrically opposed views on many issues. They were able to separate what conflict researchers called task versus relational conflict, a skill which leads to improved group performance when conflicts are kept in the task domain.

Not all of us can do this, and frankly, not all of us want to do this. As I write about in my book, there are both heat-based (more confrontational) and light-based (more educational) approaches to change, and many of us prefer one versus the other. Effective social change requires both. But for those who can and will, Justice Ginsburg would likely coach us to take advice she received from her mother-in-law – about being “a little deaf” at times. Her ability to compartmentalize away exactly that which she is working to change allows her to sustain her own energy and build alliances. For those in minority groups for whom this approach is amenable, Justice Ginsburg would likely coach us to keep teaching people.

Whether you are in or considering marriage, older than you used to be, or in a minority group, Justice Ginsburg’s example has much to offer about your life partner, your side hustle, and your approach to injustice.  Love or hate her views, there is much to be learned from her example.

January 10, 2019 – 18:18 GMT

Chloe Best

Meghan Markle revealed how she stayed calm for the royal wedding to Prince Harry. The Duchess was speaking as her patronage at Smart Works was announced

With the eyes of the world watching, it would be understandable if the Duchess of Sussex was feeling a little nervous ahead of her royal wedding in May. But it appears Meghan found a clever way to control her nerves and feel more confident, which she shared with representatives of Smart Works, a charity of which she is now patron.

Interview coach Marina Novis told HELLO! that Meghan had shared some confidence-boosting tips during an interview coaching session when she first visited the charity back in March 2018. Speaking to HELLO!’s royal correspondent Emily Nash, Marina explained: “It’s funny, she said last year, someone was talking about confidence and we asked, ‘how do you manage with confidence when you’re feeling shy?’ And she said, ‘I’m about to take my big role, happening now. The most important thing is to breathe and to just have that inner confidence. That’s the most important thing.’ We all had a bit of a giggle about it.”

Meghan revealed how she stayed calm at the royal wedding

Marina also revealed what qualities Meghan has that will make her such a great patron for the charity. “She has done so much research. That’s what I’m so impressed by. It’s not some honorary thing, she really cares,” she said. “She’s amazing at talking with the candidates because she really listens and asks very pertinent questions.”

GALLERY: See all the best pictures from Meghan’s visit to Smart Works

Meghan visited Smart Works on Thursday

Meghan made her first official visit to Smart Works on Thursday, shortly after it was announced that she has taken on four patronages – with the others being the National Theatre, The Association of Commonwealth Universities and Mayhew. The mum-to-be turned stylist during the visit, and offered her own advice for dressing for a job interview. It was revealed that Meghan first secretly visited Smart Works last March, and has been back five times since to help in choosing clothes and coaching for women who have job interviews.

MORE: See how Meghan’s baby bump has grown since October

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Thom Yorke doesn’t care much for awards (heck, he’s not even attending the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame ceremony where Radiohead is set to be inducted), but rest assured he wants that Oscar. The Radiohead frontman composed his first original film score for Luca Guadagnino’s “Suspiria,” and the lead single “Suspirium” made the official Oscar shortlist for Best Original Song in December. With Oscar nomination voting underway, Yorke is hoping to land one of spots.

“I mean, I hope it gets nominated,” Yorke recently told Variety. “That would be great, because it was a year and a half in my life, and I worked bloody hard on it. So, you know, sometimes it’s nice to be recognized. Sometimes, if you understand what it means.”

Yorke isn’t the first Radiohead band member to find himself in Oscar contention. Jonny Greenwood has emerged as one of the best film composers over the last decade and change thanks to his collaborations with Paul Thomas Anderson, which include “There Will Be Blood,” “The Master,” “Inherent Vice,” and “Phantom Tread.” Greenwood’s work on the latter earned him an Oscar nomination in 2018, and he was celebrated for his “You Were Never Really Here” score last year as well.

When asked if Greenwood gave him any advice going into his first film score, Yorke said, “His advice was really sound and quite simple: ‘Don’t work too much to picture, because you’ll find yourself drying up. Work off-picture, and then put it onto it. Work as much as you can from impressions. And be selfish about your own experiments that you want to do.’”

“That’s very much what he does,” Greenwood continued. “He’ll come to things a lot of the time because he wants to try an experiment sonically or musically, and he finds that it fits with whatever he’s working on anyway. So I was doing a lot of that, just fucking around using modular gear and using my voice in ways I wouldn’t normally do that I’d wanted to try for ages.”

Yorke’s “Suspirium” is facing off against Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga’s “Shallow,” Kendrick Lamar and SZA’s “All the Stars,” and a pair of tracks from “Marry Poppins Returns” on the Oscar shortlist, among other songs. Oscar nominations are announced Tuesday, January 22.

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