Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
She wasn’t welcomed by in-laws until she had kids – Detroit Free Press
Dear Carolyn: My in-laws, sister-in-law included, made it crystal clear they only invited me to things because they “had to” – their words – once my husband and I were married. I was even told point-blank that I ruined Christmas by being present.
Well, now everyone wants to be around all the time, to see our kids. If we were still childless, I know I would still be unwelcome, but they now realize they need to have some sort of relationship with me.
What can I do to get over the anger I feel every time they come to see my family, when they so clearly didn’t want to see me before?
– Grandchild Vessel
Why were they ever in your lives again after saying such things to you?
That’s not just on your in-laws; that’s on you and your husband, too. They gave him ample opportunity, it seems, through their ongoing wretchedness, to stand up for you. And to stand up for himself, since these were his decisions they were denigrating – to date you, marry you, and have children with you.
For example: “Treat my girlfriend/wife like that and you will never see me again.”
Naked threats have their place.
Especially when followed up with the setting of calm and clear terms. “I love her, she’s my family now, I expect civility toward her at a minimum, and appreciate efforts at warmth. I’d do the same for you.”
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And you had ample opportunity to stand up for yourself by shoving these “had to” invitations – proverbially, at least – where they belonged. I’m sorrier than they are that you ever showed up for that bygone ruined Christmas, because it gave them an unearned chance to think it was worth it to you to be there.
So of course you’re angry now, as these helicopters circle your kids. It’s the bottled fury of civilians in occupied territory.
And the way to get over any kind of anger is to identify its origins with unflinching honesty and address them, versus trying to smile it away.
If I thought your husband were even close to ready for this, I’d urge you to urge him to have that overdue blunt conversation, updated to reflect current realities: He tells the offending family members privately that he struggles with their doting on his kids amid fresh memories of the abuse they heaped on you.
And he explains their accepting responsibility for this is the only way forward. Should they refuse, he then calmly declines their visits.
But their past hostility was such that he would have drawn these lines already if he were emotionally equipped to.
Assuming he’s not capable of standing up to them, then I’d venture you’re carrying two layers of anger, one at your in-laws and a deeper one at your husband for aiding and abetting this doting-grandparents farce.
That makes a good family therapist your best option, one who can help unknot his family’s anger and yours, string by string by string.
And/or: Just stand up for yourself. Warn your husband beforehand as a courtesy, then be kind, calm, civil to them. “I’ve tried getting past it, but I am not comfortable with everyone here as if your shunning me all those years never happened.” Status quo worse than the fallout? That’s when to rise up.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2019/01/09/laws-relationship-advice-marriage/2415550002/
Opinion: Is finding the right partner still the most important career decision for a woman? – Livemint
Sheryl Sandberg’s advice on career and marriage is outdated, say millennial women. Photo: Bloomberg
The most important career choice you’ll make is who you marry,” said Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, while sharing her experiences with young women at a 2011 conference in New York City. Former Axis Bank MD and CEO Shikha Sharma echoed Sandberg’s belief when she spoke of choosing the right partner in her convocation speech at Indian Institute of Management Ahmedabad, in 2017: “It is a cliché to say that the choice of a life partner is the single-most important choice you will make in your life…it is a cliché because it is true.”
We ask, is it really?
A 2017 article in The Economist explores the declining trend of marriages in India: “As recently as 2005-06, 47% of Indian women in their early 20s were married before their 18th birthday. By 2015-16 the share had fallen to 27%—and just 18% in the cities.” The article also finds that the institution of traditional marriage in urban India is slowly eroding in Indian society, and is moving “towards something that resembles Western marriage”.
Elsewhere in Japan, where arranged marriage was the norm before World War II, the institution is almost unknown now. According to a 2015 report by Japan’s National Institute of Population and Social Security Research, by the time the Japanese turn 50, one in four men is single, as is one in seven women. It is estimated that by 2040, 40% of Japanese households will be single people. Rebecca Traister, in her book All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, found that in 2009, for the very first time in recorded history, the proportion of unmarried women exceeded the number of married women in the US. This unprecedented, and telling, statistic points to a dramatic shift in society and mindsets, especially among younger women, towards marriage and accordingly, towards their careers.
Given this changing scenario, how relevant is Sandberg or Sharma’s advice for millennial women today? We asked 100 urban millennial women if they believe that finding the right spouse is linked to having a stronger career path. More than 50% of our respondents believe that their choice of partner is not the most critical career decision for them. “I agree it’s important. But it is equally important for men as well to have a partner who is encouraging and supportive,” said a 26-year-old respondent. Our survey suggests that marriage at an early and “appropriate” age, is no longer a presumed condition for women today. A large majority of respondents are looking to fit their marriage into their career trajectories, and not the other way round.
Despite these early traces of changed mindsets, several women acknowledged that a non-supportive partner can create obstacles in a woman’s career. “I have a supportive partner and while it’s influenced my career choices positively, I don’t see marrying him as the most critical career decision. However, I did see that in my mother’s career, an unsupportive partner has been a critical obstacle,” said a 27-year old respondent. Millennial women believe other factors contribute to successful careers—for example, more than one-third of our sample said that growing up in a supportive and encouraging environment at home is more critical than their choice of partner when it comes to forging a successful career. Close to 15% thought “being guided by the right mentor” and another 13% said “acquiring the right skill-set” (13%) were more important than the choice of a spouse.
This small segment is acutely aware of the challenges previous generations of women have faced. But they are committed to changing their own trajectory and for now, are sure that their careers will shape their lives more than their personal choices.
While the above trend deepens, there is still overt and subtle pressure from several quarters—parental, societal and even peers—on young women to “settle down”. Often younger millennial women, like women from other generations before them, find it hard to deal with this pressure. At this inflexion point, they need support, encouragement and guidance from their role models to be able to make choices that aren’t necessarily the traditional ones. They need to be encouraged to pursue a career with the same gusto that a young man is urged to.
Asking a young woman to pick the “right partner” in order to have a successful career—and not acknowledging that young women of today have a choice to marry or not marry at all—seems a bit outdated. Isn’t it time we changed the narrative?
The Millennial Girl is a column based on an online survey conducted with over 100 urban, working millennial women to uncover their attitudes and opinions about the workplace.
Anuradha Das Mathur is founder and dean of the Vedica Scholars Programme for Women, and a Yale Greenberg World Fellow 2016. With inputs from Mohini Gupta.
15 Marriage Lessons Learned From 15 Years of Marriage – Self
I married Nate when I was just 24 years old. We were fresh out of college and—if I’m being completely honest—we were totally unprepared for life. We assumed that ours would be a house with the white picket fence and 2.5 kids. None of that happened. What did was something better—with some work and maybe luck.
From going to bed mad to having your own popcorn, here are 15 marriage lessons I’ve learned in 15 years of marriage, in my completely unprofessional, very subjective opinion and in no particular order.
1. Marry a person who makes a great wedding guest.
The first time I attended a wedding with Nate, I knew that I wanted to marry him. An otherwise casual person who wears scrubs to work, Nate looked smoking hot in a suit, complimented my outfit, was gracious to the newlyweds and their family, fetched drinks for my friends, and even spun a grandma around the dance floor.
2. You don’t have to pee with the door open.
Being married for a decade-plus does not mean that romance should be flushed down the toilet. Otherwise known as, “I don’t want to see your junk when I open the bathroom door,” I look at the bathroom as a privilege of romance preservation and always-needed alone time.
3. It’s okay to go to bed mad.
There is no more beloved marriage advice than “Don’t go to bed mad.” But we’re big believers in going to bed in a tiff. Most of our arguments are insignificant, and we’ve forgotten about them after a good night’s sleep. If not, it’s on.
4. Some years will just suck.
There’s loads of unprofessional opinions about the difficult years in marriage: Some say it’s the first; others find the second year is rough, shortly after the first year of marital bliss has worn off. I have a friend who swears that all odd years of marriage are terrible. No matter what, though, one thing’s certain: Some years are just going to suck. In our marriage, it’s usually not the person, but the circumstance. The year that we moved to NYC and had zero friends or family nearby sucked. The year my dad died sucked. But the good news is that once we waded through the hard times, we liked each other more in the end.
5. Don’t have kids if you don’t want them.
I am almost tired of writing about this, but I’ve received so many emails and messages from women who don’t want kids but feel they must have them because they’re married. We also feared regretting this decision, but after 15 years as a twosome, we’re happier than ever. Your marriage, your choice.
6. Traveling together helps you bond.
Traveling is one of our favorite hobbies, and our marriage is better for it. We’ve spent a lot of time visiting places where we don’t speak the language, trying unique food, and driving a car on the opposite side (Nate) while navigating a foreign country (me). Traveling has taught us to trust each other and rely on each other’s strengths. Plus, when there’s no one else to talk with in a foreign city, it’s easier if you like your spouse’s company.
7. Figuring out how to fight is key.
I was a terrible fighter in the beginning of our marriage. I was a yeller and a door-slammer, and Nate was calm and communicative. Over the years, I’ve learned to be a fair fighter, which often happens over email—my argument platform of choice. It’s here that we can easily air our grievances with well thought out intentions. By the time we’re home from work, it’s been settled—no door slamming necessary.
8. Having your own hobbies is much needed.
Nate and I spend a great deal of time together—mostly because we really enjoy each other’s company and hate being apart for long. But after this many years of marriage, we’ve learned that it’s perfectly okay for me to skip a snoozy baseball game or if my husband has zero interest in a yoga retreat.
9. But doing something challenging together can be amazing for your marriage.
Nate and I ran our first-ever marathon together after being married for nearly 15 years, and the whole experience was (almost) as exciting as our wedding. We trained together for three months and cheered each other on until the very last step. Over the years, we’ve found that attempting any physical challenge together, like climbing Machu Picchu or jogging a 10K, has been great for our marriage.
10. Being each other’s cheerleader is essential.
I went through an unfortunate stage where I decided to start a boozy jam-making business. Nate had a short-lived passion with beer making. Even when our apartment wasn’t filled with bad beer and jam splatters, we’ve supported each other’s passions. More realistic aspirations like major career changes, advancing our education, and moving across the country would have never worked if we weren’t each other’s biggest cheerleader.
11. Always get separate popcorn at the movies.
Some people like separate checking accounts; others prefer separate bedrooms. I will share almost anything with Nate except for popcorn. For years, we ordered a giant tub at the movies and would argue over whether to add butter (him) or not (me). For me, getting my own tub to eat at my own pace is the epitome of marriage luxury.
12. We may not always be equal, and that’s okay.
My grandma always told me that no marriage is 50/50. And while I am thankful to be married to a spouse who works hard and helps take care of our home, we aren’t always exact equals when it comes to housework, income, or responsibility. And as long as this fluctuates fairly over time—it’s okay.
13. Combining family and friends makes life so much easier.
The beginning of our marriage was spent traipsing to three different Thanksgivings and Christmas dinners because our families didn’t have common interests. Today, my mom and grandma are welcomed into Nate’s home and his family is welcomed into mine. It makes family time so much happier and easier for everyone. Additionally, we’ve had the good fortune of combining friends over the years. His best friend from grammar school is now one of my besties, and my BFFs are his.
14. Treat your partner like a coworker.
The simplest action I’ve learned in 15 years is to be kind to one other. Sometimes this is hard—like when I forget to lock the door for the 10th time in a month or when Nate takes an hour-plus to get ready. But we try to think of how you’d react to a coworker if they made a mistake or forgot a task, and it’s easier to treat the person you actually love with kindness.
15. Comfortable silence is golden.
Nate has a morning ritual called QCOC: it means quiet cup of coffee; it’s his time to read the news and sports in total silence. I’m a voracious reader who values a book and quiet time. With so much time together, a comfortable silence is a marriage miracle.
Anne Roderique-Jones is a freelance writer and editor whose work has appeared in Vogue, Marie Claire, Southern Living, Town & Country, and Condé Nast Traveler. Twitter: @AnnieMarie_ Instagram: @AnnieMarie_
His wife surprised him with $220,000 in student loans — here’s how they tackled $480,000 in debt – MarketWatch
Do you remember the letter from Economic Slave in Chicago?
He wrote to the Moneyist in July 2018. Here’s his letter in full and my response.
Here’s a short recap of his original problem:
“I’ve known my wife for eight-plus years and I’m happily married with a newborn son. We both make a good living ($100,000 per year), but we pay a significant amount in student loans. I work multiple jobs, and we get some help from my parents and scholarships. My master’s cost three times less than her master’s. She owes over $200,000 in federal student loans and another $20,000 in private student loans (one is at 12%).”
I recommended the National Foundation of Credit Counseling, which helped a couple I interviewed with $125,000 in debt, and I gave them other pieces of advice. Obviously, situations like this are more difficult to handle after the fact (in this case, the wedding). It was a breach of trust, sure, but there was one piece of silver lining: They loved each other and at least his wife’s spending was on her education rather than on lavish consumer purchases.
Don’t miss: Should jewelry only be passed down to female family members?
And so to his update and how they are tackling $480,000 in debt:
Here are excerpts from his update to the Moneyist:
“Our family was left with over $480,000 in debt and that put a serious strain on our marriage. After having a serious talk, we created a crude Microsoft Excel MSFT, +0.47% spreadsheet that had three student loans totaling $240,000, new house appliances that were purchased when we moved, including mortgage, car, monthly credit-card expenses, and hospital bills from our newborn son.
‘We created a crude Excel spreadsheet with $240,000 in student loans, new house appliances, including mortgage, car, monthly credit-card expenses, and hospital bills for our newborn son.’
That Excel eventually contained the loan, the loan name, hyperlinks to pay it, due dates, amount due each month, proposed payment plans, total amount owed, interest and any additional notes.
We also broke down our credit-card debt to include recurring payments on the credit card. We asked our bank and online financial services companies for help to refinance some loans, but we did not have any luck. The banks’ advice: “Pay things down as fast as possible.” Not really a revelation to us.
Since the end of July, we paid off all appliances as they had a 0% interest rate for 12 months, but they were still eating into our budget every month. We then paid off a student loan with the highest interest rate (12%) of $13,000.
Also see: This one trick drastically changed borrowers’ approach to their student loans
We revisited the largest student loan, which had $900 in interest every month. We called and spoke with multiple representatives before we could start to get a clear answer. Every time we called about the student loan terms, we got a different answer.
‘We called and spoke with multiple representatives before we could start to get a clear answer. Every time we called about the student-loan terms, we got a different answer.’
When we talked to the manager/loan officer, whose number is not given out so easily, we reached solutions. We reached this person on the sixth call and spoke with them at length. We had previously been told that my wife’s loans were on deferment. This was incorrect as the loans were placed in forbearance and were accruing interest.
It was also explained to us that the income-based repayment plan was the best option for my wife. However, this income-based repayment plan did not cover the interest that grows on the loans. We took these loans off an income-based repayment plan and put them on a level repayment plan, which carry $900 in interest each month and we pay down about $600 in principal each month.
‘My advice for others out there is to stay the hell away from what we felt were severely under-trained customer service reps. Speak to loan officers and record phone calls.’
The large student loan caused us the greatest difficulty. My advice for others out there is to stay the hell away from what we felt were severely under-trained customer service reps. Speak to loan officers and record phone calls.
We are on pace to pay off my wife’s car in the next two months (which will open up $500 a month for other debts) and her smaller student loan of $16,000 by the end of 2019. Although my wife’s car payment has a lower interest rate than her smaller student loan, the extra $500 a month will alleviate a strain (versus the $100 due on the small student loan) and allow us to save a little each month or put towards other bills.
Also see: America’s $1.5 trillion student-loan industry is a ‘failed social experiment’
My wife is still working full time and I’m working effectively two jobs, but in a family business you’re always working. We have reduced our debts to $430,000 in five months and have learned a lot (collectively). The best feeling in the world is deleting lines from that spreadsheet.
Take care and happy New Year.”
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Hello there, MarketWatchers. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Readers write in to me with all sorts of dilemmas: inheritance, wills, divorce, tipping, gifting. I often talk to lawyers, accountants, financial advisers and other experts, in addition to offering my own thoughts. I receive more letters than I could ever answer, so I’ll be bringing all of that guidance—including some you might not see in these columns—to this group. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
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