Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
When parents of same-sex couples refuse to attend their wedding, this mom steps in – CNN
Before, a difficult journey
And now, a new one of love
7 Tips for Changing an Unhappy Marriage for the Better – The Good Men Project
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To begin changing an unhappy marriage is to welcome an avalanche of feelings, questions, disappointments, even fears. The admission is like the last finger sliding from your death-grip on a steep cliff, with nothing below to catch you.
OK, so that’s a bit dramatic. But to the person finally mouthing the words, “I’m in an unhappy marriage,” that scenario may not be too far from the truth. After all, marriages don’t just rocket out of the “happiness atmosphere” and into the black hole of despair overnight. They inch their way along with a little neglect here, some acrimony there, a veneer of denial everywhere….
If you’ve reached the point where denial is no longer an option, you may wonder if changing an unhappy marriage is possible. And if you have come to this conclusion of unhappiness alone, you may feel you are the keeper of a deep, dark secret.
It’s unlikely that one spouse is miserable while the other is basking in bliss. But it’s not unrealistic to expect that the two come to their recognition of an unhappy marriage in different ways, at different times.
The things that accumulate to damage a marriage can be the very things that delay changing an unhappy marriage. Tension, miscommunication, betrayal, disappointment, exhaustion, illness, financial stress — it can all sink its teeth into what once seemed invincible.
Sadly, not dealing with issues as they arise — and not having healthy skills for how to deal with them — can slowly erode your marriage.
So where does that leave you once you have come clean and acknowledged that you are, in fact, in an unhappy marriage? What are your choices? And where do you even begin?
Let’s start on a hopeful note and finish on a positive one. Being in an unhappy marriage does not mean you have written the final chapter and are left only with “The End.” There are steps you can take toward your own happiness and the betterment of your marriage.
If your marriage is important to you — even if it isn’t fulfilling any of your original dreams — stay positive. Assuming you are not involved in an abusive marriage, your spouse is probably quietly lamenting the evaporation of happiness in your marriage, too.
The irony of that mutual loss is that there is a mutual space in which to work on your marriage.
Here are 7 tips for changing an unhappy marriage for the better.
1. Figure out the cause of your unhappiness.
The fact that you are married and unhappy doesn’t automatically convict your marriage. Take the time to really evaluate the cause of your unhappiness.
Are there perhaps internal factors joining forces with external factors? Can you pinpoint a time of onset? What was going on at that time? What has happened since? What kinds of stressors have been in your life since that point? When were you happy? And what differences can you point to between that time and now?
Being specific is important not only for knowing how to solve a problem, but for communicating without globalizing or blaming. If your goal is to revitalize your marriage, knowing exactly what you are dealing with will be a veritable compass for mapping solutions.
2. Stop causing further damage to your marriage.
Now. Just. Stop. Any behavior that contributes to an already large pool of negativity — just take your foot off the pedal and stop. Picking fights, emotional blackmail, sarcasm, blaming, victimizing, bad-mouthing — you can’t throw that train into reverse if you don’t stop it first.
This also means eliminating the urge to “act out” on your negative feelings, regardless of what your spouse does. You may want to save your marriage, but you first have to take responsibility for your role in it.
3. Talk with your spouse about your feelings.
“But that’s the problem! We don’t talk! And s/he won’t talk about feelings!”
As you read through these helpful tips, you will likely run up against several that sound like a complete disavowing of your experience. How can you talk about feelings when communication is your problem?
It’s important to remember that you are the one reading this. You are the one who has decided that changing an unhappy marriage is a priority. It is therefore within your power to initiate that change.
You may come away feeling as though you have just poured your heart out to a brick wall. But you will have taken the first step. And by doing so, you will have given your spouse vital information that calls for his/her response in some form.
You can do only your part in the best way you can. And opening up the lines of vulnerable, honest conversation is essential.
Be careful not to blame, but to focus on your feelings. “I feel sad. I miss us. I’m afraid. I’m lonely. I feel angry when I am left doing all the housework alone. I feel unimportant. I feel unappreciated.” These are all ways of expressing unhappiness without assigning blame.
4. Express your needs clearly — both of you.
Be clear about your needs — without blaming or demanding. Express the seriousness of the issues and the potential consequences if those needs aren’t met.
A word of caution: This is not a green light to march in with a list of “If you don’t…I will….” No one should feel threatened. Rather, you should both come away with a reality check on the importance of your relationship and the individuals who hold it together.
Changing an unhappy marriage is about both of you having your needs acknowledged, valued, and met as much as possible. It’s also about meeting the needs of the relationship itself.
“This is important to me because….I need to feel valued….I need to have some time for my hobbies….” You will set the tone for communication by how you express your needs…and then ask for your partner’s needs.
5. Let go of the need to always be right.
Having to be right all the time turns your marriage into a war zone. Someone always has to win, which means someone also has to lose. And that means one spouse is “up” while the other is “down.” And before you know it, your marriage is a “vertical” power struggle instead of a “horizontal” powerhouse.
Issues like power and control-submission are at the heart of depression in relationships. No marriage can be healthy when one spouse is lording over the other.
6. Be compassionate.
It can be so difficult to bite your tongue, let alone accept responsibility, when you’ve been stewing in anger and disappointment. But changing an unhappy marriage means stepping outside what has become your comfort zone. And that comfort zone may involve not being sensitive and compassionate toward the person you vowed to love and cherish.
Having compassion isn’t about capitulation. You are working to get your feelings out into the common ground of your marriage. And it has to be safe for both of you to do that.
Compassion says, “I am here to learn about you more deeply and lovingly than I ever have. I am here to grow. I am here to learn more about myself, even as I learn more about you. I love you, and I want to understand you, me and us better so that we can have a great marriage.”
7. Get a pro involved.
Why not? What do you have to lose by asking someone who deals with struggling marriages every day to help guide you? Finding an expert to help you learn how to communicate with one another in an elevated, mature way can be a huge asset.
Assuming you are both committed to changing an unhappy marriage to a thriving marriage, the “education” will be available where you seek it.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, there is no need to throw up your hands or throw in the towel.
Relationships are organic — always changing, always presenting new opportunities for growth. That’s what makes them exciting…and the optimal place in which to struggle out of the cocoon that keeps you stuck.
Whether or not you are successful in changing an unhappy marriage for the better is ultimately up to you. You are the one acknowledging your awareness of an unhappy marriage. You are the one wondering what you can do.
No one can make a marriage work alone, of course. But you are the one poised to take the first step.
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Bridechilla meets Momzilla – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: I am getting married next summer, and have been dealing with a ton of wedding stress.
One of the major contributors to this stress is my mom.
I have tried very hard to be a Bridechilla (instead of a Bridezilla), but I am getting so frustrated I don’t know what to do! I wanted to involve my mom in my wedding planning, so I brought her to everything. But every time I decide on what I want, she is unhappy about how bad my choices are!
When she visited my wedding venue, she wouldn’t even look around. She frowned the whole time; when dress shopping she told me I was fat and ugly in my dream dress; when I showed her my wedding invitations she told me they were not nice or classy because I did not use gold foil.
Now she is upset because I am involving her less and she feels I am involving my future mother-in-law more. This is completely not true!
The only difference is when I say no to my mother-in-law, she accepts my decision – whereas my mom will continuously complain about past issues and honestly never has anything nice to say about my wedding. She even said to me yesterday, “This is MY wedding. Well, it’s yours, but it’s also mine!”
I honestly don’t know what to do, I want to have this wonderful experience of planning my wedding and keep her involved, but I am so sick of her raining on my parade and making it all about her! What should I do?!
– Trying to be a Bridechilla
Dear Trying: You’ve tried your best to solicit your mother’s positive involvement, and she just can’t seem to get there. Frankly, calling you “fat and ugly” while you modeled your wedding dress should have marked the stark end of her involvement. That statement is not a supportive opinion; it’s flat-out mean-spirited.
This is not your mother’s wedding. It is yours. Now you will have to do the adult thing and proceed by being your own best friend, and by making choices you want to make, regardless of how your mother feels about these choices. She has simply lost the right to weigh in with any authority.
Read more:
I suggest you stop trying to draw her in and instead merely tell her that you love her and that you hope she can find a way to be happy for you. Your mother’s assignment moving forward should be to find a dress for herself that she likes, and to focus on ways to make this celebration a positive one for herself and other family members.
In the future, when she expresses negative emotions or opinions, you should only respond: “Well, Mom, I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s it.
Dear Amy: We have two step-grandchildren, ages 16 and 14.
My wife and I have always tried to welcome and include them in every event, whether in or out of our homes.
They absolutely refuse to participate and typically sit in a guest room on their phones. They do not even acknowledge gifts.
Their father is a great guy and is embarrassed by their behavior. We continue to include them but have accepted that this is how it is.
Any advice?
– Step-Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: It sounds as if your daughter is the stepmother to these children. She and her husband should try harder to urge their children toward participating, at least in a superficial way. Do they have any creative ideas? Relationships are built through sometimes glancing experiences, and I hope you make it clear to these kids that you value having them in your family, even if you’re still trying to get to know them.
Understand that in the best situations, teens often more or less “opt-out” of family gatherings. You might not notice this behavior so much – or be as bothered by it – if these teens didn’t have “step” status.
Be brave enough to ask these kids to help you set the table, stir the sauce or serve the brownies. Understand and tolerate some awkwardness. And keep trying.
Dear Amy: I felt for the “Gluten-free Hosts,” who had a very demanding dinner guest with (it sounded like) celiac disease.
The guest who insisted that they basically sterilize their kitchen was being unreasonable.
I have celiac, and I understand that sometimes I have to bring my own food. You get used to it.
– Gluten-free Guest
Dear Guest: When you bring your own food, you know exactly what you are getting.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: Askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2019/01/05/bridechilla-meets-momzilla/2415678002/
Andreea Cristina's Intimate Destination Wedding in Mexico – Brides
In true modern fashion, Andreea Cristina and Bryan Gaul’s relationship began with a Twitter DM. “I added him thinking he was cute, and then I got a nice message back from him with the cutest pickup line and that’s how we started talking,” the bride recalls. Fast forward a few months, and the pair—she’s the beauty blogger behind Simply Andreea; he’s a professional soccer player—finally met in person for their first date…at the airport! Andreea had a layover in Frankfurt, Germany on her way to Berlin, so Bryan (who was living in Germany at the time) came to meet her. “I had potato salad and sauerkraut, and he had a coffee,” Andreea adds of their October 2016 IRL meet-cute.
The airport date proved successful, and the pair embarked on a quick getaway to Venice, Italy, in February 2017 when Bryan had time off from soccer. The trip coincided with Carnival, which Andreea says made it more memorable, but the most noteworthy moment came when Bryan proposed on day two. After sightseeing, the couple settled into a café along the water to watch the sun go down, and Andreea went to the restroom to wash her hands. When she returned, Bryan immediately plunged into his romantic proposal, which featured several rhetorical questions. His bride-to-be—not realizing an engagement was on the way— unintentionally interrupted multiple times with (unwanted!) answers. “He blew past my interruptions only to get to the end and pull out a ring box he’d been carrying around in his pocket all day,” she says. “And the rest is history.”
The travel-enthusiasts naturally landed on an overseas locale, Grand Fiesta Americana Coral Beach Cancun Resort & Spa in Cancun, Mexico, for their wedding on December 8, 2018. (The bride says her friend John Zaring of the The Zaring Group first introduced her to the property and adds that he was also on hand through the whole planning process.) “I wanted a destination wedding in a place where the weather would be nice, a place that people could also use as a vacation in the middle of winter, and a place that was elegant and refined but still fun and relaxing,” Andreea explains. Largely thanks to the help of their wedding planner, Events by Talissa, as well as their venue, the long-distance duo managed to map out their big day in just six months! Though, Andreaa admits that her “easygoing groom” let her take the reins, which resulted in a stunning outdoor event that reflected the bride’s love of nature.
Keep reading to see Andreea and Bryan’s beautifully low-key destination weekend (especially the picturesque seaside ceremony), as captured by Lauren Alexandra, below.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Over the course of the weekend-long celebration, Andreea stunned in separate dresses for the welcome dinner, ceremony, and reception. “With all three dresses, I had a different feeling,” she explains. “I think they accomplished their individual tasks in the wedding, and I don’t think just one dress would have sufficed.” To start, the bride wore a BHLDN sheath dress with a deep low-cut back and bohemian allure. “It got the party started on Friday and set the wedding tone for the weekend,” Andreea adds.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Bryan also opted for multiple outfit changes, taking to a beige suit for the first evening of festivities and a classic navy blue tuxedo for the main event.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Andreea had no doubts that her ceremony dress—an A-line, off-the-shoulder design from Pronovias’s new collection—was the one. “I saw it online and immediately knew it was it,” she says. “It really made me feel like a bride.” Given the gown’s volume, Andreea kept her jewelry on the dainty side, accessorizing with a minimalist three-diamond necklace and matching drop earrings.
Florist Maria Limón created a romantic bridal bouquet that also seamlessly played off the venue’s vibe with elegant, neutral tones. Andreea did add her own pop of color, though, rocking a bright manicure as a fun spin on the something-blue tradition. The beauty guru also, not surprisingly, tackled her own makeup.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Feeding into Andreea’s outdoor vision, the pair wed on a dock in the middle of the ocean with only their parents in tow. Both Andreea and Bryan opted for a closed, standing ceremony (sans wedding party) to avoid overcomplicating the planning process and to keep things as intimate as possible. “Other family members and close friends were there for all the other events, and it worked out great,” says the bride. “People had the day off to hang by the beach and then show up at 6 p.m. for the reception.”
While the breathtaking turquoise backdrop was hard to top, Andreea successfully enhanced the spot with large pieces of pampas grass for a seaside garden feel. The dock’s textured slats also contributed to the ceremony’s overall natural aesthetic.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
A longtime family friend of the groom’s married the pair, who opted against writing personalized vows. Instead, the officiant asked Andreea and Bryan a series of questions separately before the big day, then revealed their answers at the ceremony. “We found out Bryan and I are a lot more similar in thinking than we thought,” says the bride.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
For the reception, the bride slipped into her third and final dress, a mermaid-style number with cascading layers of lace and tulle by Rita Vinieris Rivini. Andreea lucked out after finding BHLDN shoes that perfectly matched the frock but, given the wedding venue’s uneven, sandy terrain, ended up trading them for a pair of custom Chucks to avoid any stumbles down the aisle. Her kicks featured a muted sea foam–green interior, along with the pair’s wedding date inscribed on the back. “I would highly recommend comfy shoes on the big day,” she says. She also accessorized the look with a few statement pieces from Effy Jewelry.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Bryan also paired white sneakers with a casual light blue suit and untucked shirt for the beachside reception, where the rest of the guests reconvened to celebrate the newlyweds.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Andreea knew from the get-go that she wanted an alfresco dining experience under the stars and for wedding attendees to experience a “wow moment.” To encapsulate this feeling, friends and family made their way down a candle-lined staircase where they were immediately greeted with the couple’s signature cocktails.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
As for seating, exposed wood tables alluded to the natural vibe, while structured, linen-backed chairs added an air of elegance. An abundance of wild flowers, delicate roses, pampas grass, and pieces of fruit also adorned the romantic and relaxed tablescape.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
The pair selected separate menus for each wedding event, and reception-goers enjoyed a buffet-style meal of chicken, fish, lobster, steak, veggies, and salad atop matte gold flatware and delicate crystal chargers.
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
Photo by Lauren Alexandra
At the end of the celebration, the newlyweds cut into an minimalist, two-tiered wedding cake with carrot and lime flavors.
As for couples planning their own nuptials, Andreea says to “take it one day at a time and have a contact person during your wedding celebration.” She also offered an important piece of technology advice: “Just turn off your phone so you can be in the moment!” (We’ll take that piece of advice, especially coming from the pro-Instagrammer!)
Venue, Catering, & Accommodations: Grand Fiesta Americana Coral Beach || Wedding Planner: Events by Talissa || Bride’s Dresses: BHLDN, Pronovias, Rita Vinieris Rivini || Bride’s Veil: Pronovias || Bride’s Jewelry: Nicha Jewelry, Effy Jewelry || Bride’s Shoes: BHLDN, Converse || Hair: Lisa Ortiz || Groom’s Attire: Friar Tux || Engagement Ring: Heidi Gibson || Wedding Rings: Marrow Fine || Floral Design: Maria Limón || Invitations: Minted || Paper Products: Pirouette Paper || Music: DJ: Juan Goruva || Rentals: Archive Rentals || Transportation: Tropical Incentives || Videographer: Linden Degurian || Photographer: Lauren Alexandra
