Relationships Talk

But you’re correct about the future providing alarms. Worry about, and stand up against: Bigotry, racism, anti-immigrant prejudice, climate change that can spark widespread fires, devastating floods, sudden tornadoes, and numbing ice storms.

Worry about leaders of political parties, provinces/states and nations, who put their political and personal gain first, who bend the truth and/or lie outright, and threaten the peace, health and freedoms of the generations you’ve spawned.

Better to be counted, than to just be afraid.

Reader’s Commentary “When we moved into this condominium, we befriended an elderly couple. We shared meals, outings, and visits. The wife joined me in taking music classes, then lost interest. One day, she suddenly accused me of borrowing her music books without returning them.

“The books were purchased by me long before, but she couldn’t be convinced of my innocence. I scanned some of my music and created a booklet for her. She was delighted, and all was well.

“Next, she was clearing some clothing and offered me a linen suit, but it wasn’t my size. She seemed annoyed and left. I didn’t hear from her for weeks, so I called her. She then accused me of swearing at her (the “f” word) when she left with her linen suit.

“My mother (and father) had developed dementia and behaved similarly. She accused me of many awful things, none of which I’d done. Her social workers called it “confabulation.” We developed some strategies to protect ourselves, including to never visit except in pairs.

“This elderly neighbour was exhibiting the same behaviours and couldn’t be convinced that she was mistaken. We stopped seeing them, mainly to protect our reputation. It’s sad … but seems the only way to avoid such situations in a building full of very elderly residents that one doesn’t know very well.”

Ellie: I was with you until your conclusion that very elderly neighbours may need to be avoided.

In fact, they need more patience, empathy and gentle socialization than ever, though in different ways from before. Just sitting together for short periods — whether listening to music (even singing along) or talking about their life in the past, or just sharing a cup of tea together.

There’s not too much chance for confrontations due to confusion/dementia, when you’re just being caring company. But if you do suspect mental health deterioration, the crucial response is to alert their family or their doctor, if at all possible.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Illogical fears only mock the present, when much more thought and work are needed to improve the future.

EXPERT ADVICE. IN YOUR INBOX: Sign up for the Star’s advice newsletter, get the latest on relationships, etiquette and more.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca

Troubled by the future

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca

Weddings are meant to be a celebration of love, but one woman is torn about whether or not she can attend her best friend’s wedding after making a shocking discovery.

In a post to the online parenting forum Mumsnet, she explained that her best friend confided in her over the Christmas break that she “wasn’t sure about marrying” her fiancé.

The friend explained that during the holidays she and her fiancé took a week-long break from the relationship, during which time she slept with someone else.

(Mumsnet)

“She told me she’d stayed most nights with a man down the road and slept with him,” the woman wrote.

Apparently the friend had fancied the guy for months, and he seemed “very into her”.

“She said when the fiancé returned from the break, she was definitely ending it.”

But when the couple came back together she didn’t go through with it, swayed by her fiancé “bending over backwards” to keep the relationship alive.

Instead she asked her fiancé to “move out for a month while she decides.”

The situation left the woman feeling deeply uncomfortable, as part of her wants to support her best friend, while the other part hates keeping the secret.

“I said I thought she should be honest with him about having cheated if she does marry him as it’s not a great start to the relationship,” the woman explained.

“She then became very paranoid I was going to tell him. I assured her I wouldn’t, it’s not my place.”

(Pexels)

But with no decision made and the wedding on the horizon, the woman is starting to stress about what she will do if her best friend decides to go through with the nuptials.

The choice has been made even harder because she is one of six bridesmaids, and the only other bridesmaid who knows about the cheating has refused to attend if the wedding goes ahead.

“I feel the same but also conflicted as she’s my friend and ultimately my job is to support her on her wedding day,” she explained.

“But I also feel a bit sick that she’s done this and is now taking advantage of her fiancé’s good nature.”

(Mumsnet)

It’s a difficult situation for anyone to handle, but being so close to the couple and knowing exactly what has gone on makes it even harder.

“It’s one thing to not want to marry someone but another to do this,” the woman wrote.

She then asked other Mumsnet users if they would go to the wedding, and opinions were pretty divided.

While some insisted that she needs to support her friend through thick and thin, others were adamant that helping hide her friend’s “deceit” would only make things worse.

(Pexels)

“I wouldn’t [go to the wedding],” one wrote, “And I couldn’t support an immoral friend like that.”

Another chimed in: “That’s a grenade just waiting to go off and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the shrapnel. Her bar seems pretty low on morality standards. Yours doesn’t have to be.”

Whatever the woman chooses, we just hope the situation works out in the least painful way for everyone involved.

Jim Harmon

And now, a bit of New Year’s advice from “Glitter.”

“I wish to say something to the members of my sex who are unmarried. It is this: Don’t get married – that is, if you have an ambition, a purpose in life.”

“Glitter’s” column appeared in the Missoula Weekly Gazette newspaper in the early 1890s.

Was the columnist a man or woman? For that matter, was “Glitter” truly a columnist, or perhaps the editor of the paper having a bit of fun? We don’t know.

For purposes of this article, though, we’ll assign “Glitter” the mantle of a woman and (given the headline) we’ll also assume the writer was having a bit of fun, adapting the theme of Leo Tolstoy’s controversial novella, the Kreutzer Sonata, into a local advice column.

Tolstoy’s work was published in 1889, the local newspaper column just two years later, at the beginning of 1892. The questions raised – of love, marriage, sexual abstinence, equal rights – remain as topical today, as then.

“If your only desire is to settle down, have a home of your own, and a husband thrown in … this article is not addressed to you. Marry the first good-looking fellow who asks you, and be happy. We are done with you.”

Glitter had no time for the “darner of socks,” the woman “content to be somebody’s darling and nothing more,” the woman willing to bask solely in her “husband’s greatness,” hoping it might envelope her.

No – Glitter wanted to reach “the girls who have ambition, who feel a desire to excel in something whether it be music or civil engineering.”

For those girls, she exhorted, “there must be no marrying … at least until you have tried for yourselves and seen what is in the big world and how much of it is for you. And to do this is not hard. It is simply a matter of concentration, and need not necessitate giving up the smallest pleasure.

“Dance, flirt, walk, talk, ride, skate – do everything in fact to enjoy yourself, only at the same time keep always trying to perfect yourself and whatever you think you have talent for. Perhaps not only one, but two or three things. If so, all the better.”

But again, she reminded, “never lose sight of the goal (and) don’t get married.

“If you do there’s an end of it all. When you allow your interests and aims in life to be coupled with those of some fascinating piece of masculinity then the mischief is done, so beware of handsome eyes and lovely mustaches.”

There would be plenty of time for all that later, she said, and “there will be even more and better (men and opportunities) … if you wait a while.”

For now, she advised, make use of these “lords of creation … in your efforts towards gaining name and fame.”

Take advantage of “their susceptibility, their vanity – and it is vast – their tender-hardheartedness, their little weaknesses, make them stepping stones to greatness, levers to push yourself forward, battering rams to break down the barriers which they themselves have raised in your path.

“Show them, show everyone, that you have a determination and they will respect you for it and help you, and be the first to applaud you when your battle is won.

“Not one atom of womanly sweetness or virtue need be lost. Nay, you will gain a thousand-fold more in the contact with the world. Be somebody! Don’t be commonplace!”

Of course, following this advice would require the young ladies of the 1890s to be brave.

“Don’t be afraid of what people may say about you. Look the world square in the face and with fearless hand and undaunted heart wrest your laurels from it.

“Fear the world and it will censure you, or worse still, treat you with coldness and indifference; face it boldly, despise its power, and with what slavishness it will fawn upon you, with what eagerness will its tributes be laid at your feet.”

Jim Harmon is a longtime Missoula news broadcaster, now retired, who writes a weekly history column for Missoula Current. You can contact Jim at harmonshistories@gmail.com.

Jim Harmon

And now, a bit of New Year’s advice from “Glitter.”

“I wish to say something to the members of my sex who are unmarried. It is this: Don’t get married – that is, if you have an ambition, a purpose in life.”

“Glitter’s” column appeared in the Missoula Weekly Gazette newspaper in the early 1890s.

Was the columnist a man or woman? For that matter, was “Glitter” truly a columnist, or perhaps the editor of the paper having a bit of fun? We don’t know.

For purposes of this article, though, we’ll assign “Glitter” the mantle of a woman and (given the headline) we’ll also assume the writer was having a bit of fun, adapting the theme of Leo Tolstoy’s controversial novella, the Kreutzer Sonata, into a local advice column.

Tolstoy’s work was published in 1889, the local newspaper column just two years later, at the beginning of 1892. The questions raised – of love, marriage, sexual abstinence, equal rights – remain as topical today, as then.

“If your only desire is to settle down, have a home of your own, and a husband thrown in … this article is not addressed to you. Marry the first good-looking fellow who asks you, and be happy. We are done with you.”

Glitter had no time for the “darner of socks,” the woman “content to be somebody’s darling and nothing more,” the woman willing to bask solely in her “husband’s greatness,” hoping it might envelope her.

No – Glitter wanted to reach “the girls who have ambition, who feel a desire to excel in something whether it be music or civil engineering.”

For those girls, she exhorted, “there must be no marrying … at least until you have tried for yourselves and seen what is in the big world and how much of it is for you. And to do this is not hard. It is simply a matter of concentration, and need not necessitate giving up the smallest pleasure.

“Dance, flirt, walk, talk, ride, skate – do everything in fact to enjoy yourself, only at the same time keep always trying to perfect yourself and whatever you think you have talent for. Perhaps not only one, but two or three things. If so, all the better.”

But again, she reminded, “never lose sight of the goal (and) don’t get married.

“If you do there’s an end of it all. When you allow your interests and aims in life to be coupled with those of some fascinating piece of masculinity then the mischief is done, so beware of handsome eyes and lovely mustaches.”

There would be plenty of time for all that later, she said, and “there will be even more and better (men and opportunities) … if you wait a while.”

For now, she advised, make use of these “lords of creation … in your efforts towards gaining name and fame.”

Take advantage of “their susceptibility, their vanity – and it is vast – their tender-hardheartedness, their little weaknesses, make them stepping stones to greatness, levers to push yourself forward, battering rams to break down the barriers which they themselves have raised in your path.

“Show them, show everyone, that you have a determination and they will respect you for it and help you, and be the first to applaud you when your battle is won.

“Not one atom of womanly sweetness or virtue need be lost. Nay, you will gain a thousand-fold more in the contact with the world. Be somebody! Don’t be commonplace!”

Of course, following this advice would require the young ladies of the 1890s to be brave.

“Don’t be afraid of what people may say about you. Look the world square in the face and with fearless hand and undaunted heart wrest your laurels from it.

“Fear the world and it will censure you, or worse still, treat you with coldness and indifference; face it boldly, despise its power, and with what slavishness it will fawn upon you, with what eagerness will its tributes be laid at your feet.”

Jim Harmon is a longtime Missoula news broadcaster, now retired, who writes a weekly history column for Missoula Current. You can contact Jim at harmonshistories@gmail.com.