Relationships Talk

• A post on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice subreddit went viral after a woman said her husband wanted to name their baby after his ex.
• She asked Redditors for advice on whether her husband is still in love with his ex and how she should proceed regarding their relationship.

On Thursday morning, a post appeared on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice subreddit titled “Divorce on table because husband and I cant [sic] agree on baby’s name.”

The post, which was written by an anonymous Redditor using a throwaway account, quickly went viral as thousands began to upvote and comment — though not for the reason you might think.

Though the couple certainly couldn’t agree on their baby’s name, it isn’t just any old name the husband in this scenario is arguing for — it’s his ex-girlfriend’s name.

The post (edited for length and clarity) begins with a quick history of the couple:

“This title might look funny but it’s an actual problem between me (23F) and my husband (24M). We’ve been dating for a year, been married for 2 years. I got pregnant like 7 months ago so recently we started discussing names for the baby.”

She wrote that when the couple found out the sex of their child, the husband was adamant about giving her the name of his ex. And not just any ex — the ex. The ex that had caused relationship problems for them in the past. The ex her husband appears to still have very strong feelings for.

“Ever since we found out it’s gonna be a girl my husband wants to name it like his ex’s name. It’s not any ex but the one he dated for long period of time and loved the most. In the beginning of our relationship we had many problems because of her but she moved away so the problems went away. He really loved her and he never hid that from me but I thought it was over once she moved away.”

When she asked her husband to explain, he said he wanted to be reminded of his ex. As a consolation, he told her she would be allowed to name their hypothetical second child.

“Now he made it clear that he wants the baby to have that name and I can name the second child. When I asked him why does he want that name so badly he said just because he and his ex didn’t work out doesn’t mean he doesn’t want something to keep reminding him of her. He doesn’t understand how much it’s affecting me and keeps saying it’s just the hormones.”

She ended her story with a question:

“Is he still in love with the ex or is it normal that he wants to name OUR child like that?”

Comments began to pour in from sympathetic Redditors, many of whom were outraged by the husband’s behavior

“The MOST insane thing I’ve read ever,” u/yame2010 wrote. “Divorce seems inevitable anyway, might as well file.”

Some Redditors gave pretty solid advice

“Tell him to change his own name if he’s that obsessed,” u/HappyHolidays666 wrote.

“Tell him that you want to name your second child after one of your previous f— buddies because the sex was so good you just want to be reminded of it even though things didn’t work out,” u/Shore16 wrote. “Like seriously what the f— is he thinking. I don’t know your husband’s feelings towards his ex but it’s not normal.”

Others brought up valid points regarding the future

“When your daughter gets older how do you explain that to her?” u/klleah asked. “‘Oh honey, daddy wanted to name you after an ex-girlfriend because even though things didn’t work out with them, that doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be reminded of her every single day.’ I mean really?”

A couple users shared similar stories that give the woman and her daughter a bleak glimpse into their future

“I’m a girl who was named after my dad’s lover (mom had no idea) and I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE my name,” u/Lelandra01 wrote. “He just casually told me on one occasion. In general, the name is beautiful but when I think about the reason why was I named like that it makes me puke. So for the love of god don’t ever name your child by your ex-partner, it will bring a bitter taste to your child’s mouth (pondering of renaming myself in the future, yes it’s that dreadful for me).”

And u/Pers14 shared: “When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad was FIXED on this one name. My mom found it strange because he was never that interested in anything, and wasn’t super gung-ho daddy-to-be.

“My mom preferred another name, but she was touched by his insistence and acquiesced to his pick. It came out when I was very little that the name he chose was the name of the ‘one that got away,’ a girl he dated and she dumped him.

“He remained hooked on her many years later. He would throw her name in my mom’s face when they fought as years went on. Over time, it became less of a ‘thing,’ but I know she’s not fond of the name. I’m ambivalent. I think my dad was a fool.”

Though the comments varied in story and theme, they did all share one specific sentiment: the woman’s husband is definitely still hung up on his ex, and she ought to go ahead and finalize the divorce before wasting any more time on him.

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Over the Christmas period, some teenage girls will have been promised a holiday to their parents’ homeland. They will have arrived to find it is not a holiday, but a betrothal and a rape. This is not a “cultural” inevitability, but often a naked bid by the groom for British citizenship. And the UK must stop targeting victims.

When police in Somaliland raided a “correctional school” in 2017, they found 25 young women from the US and Europe who had been incarcerated there for a year and horrifically tortured. Some were beaten for reciting the Koran in imperfect Arabic. Their parents chose this fate to prevent them from becoming too westernised and to force them into marriage.

Yet the outrage has been directed not at the families, but at the UK government. The Foreign Office rescued 27 such victims from abroad in 2017. Unfortunately, it turns out that it has been charging many of them the costs of their repatriation. Four of the British girls found in the Somalian correctional school were charged £740 each. Some have been struggling, unsurprisingly, to pay the money back. Insult has been added to injury, tarnishing the heroic efforts of police and officials who found and freed them, and loading pressure on to charities such as Southall Black Sisters, which helps ethnic minorities escape domestic violence and other kinds of abuse.

The Foreign Office treats such victims like any British tourist who has run out of money abroad — which overlooks the unique vulnerability of these girls. In the past two years it has spent £7,765 lending money to at least eight victims of forced marriage who could not fund their own repatriation. Only about £3,000 has been recovered.

It would surely be fairer to recoup the money from the families who arranged these appalling abuses. One might think that is the least they could do. For the true scandal is not that our hapless institutions are struggling to navigate these perilous waters; it is that parents in the US, UK and Europe are visiting barbaric medieval practices upon girls who are citizens of liberal, democratic states. In the UK alone, 60,000 girls are thought to be at risk of genital mutilation. Child protection groups have been contacted by girls as young as 13 who are being threatened with forced marriage. They warn that some may become so desperate that they could take their own lives.

The uncomfortable truth is that we have entirely failed to vanquish these practices. In 2018 the Forced Marriage Unit, run jointly by the UK’s Home Office and Foreign Office, gave advice or support in 1,196 UK cases of forced marriage; 30 per cent of victims were under 18, half of those were aged 15 or under, and the vast majority were female. Those cases are likely to be the tip of the iceberg — not least because girls are extremely reluctant to speak out.

Over the years I have interviewed women in refuges who barely speak English, having been brought here as brides, and have little understanding of their rights. I have met others who are British-born and much more savvy, but still deeply torn between their desire for independence and for family approval.

One wonderfully eloquent woman, Amina, told me that she was taken “on holiday” to Kashmir at the age of 15 and forced to marry a much older man who she says was determined to get her pregnant as fast as possible in order to get a visa. Back home in Wales, she eventually fled to a refuge — only to be disowned by her family. She is still married and her “husband” lives in Cardiff. For such women, the misery never seems to end. They endure all this at the hands of parents and when they can no longer bear it, they are ostracised.

Women’s refuges get very little publicity, not least because it is essential that angry men — including the many white men who are domestic abusers — cannot find them. But their very existence points to our failures. Amina’s family were from Pakistan, the country which makes up about a third of the cases dealt with by the Forced Marriage Unit. But Somalia is now rising up the list: cases from there doubled in 2017.

The UK has created a significant legal armoury to try to protect such girls. In 2014, it became illegal to force someone to marry. Yet there have been only three convictions. The first, in 2015, was of a man jailed after determined work by South Wales police, for making a woman marry him by threatening to kill her father. Protection orders can also be taken out by third parties, to impound passports and prevent children being taken abroad against their will.

Yet there have been very few attempts to prosecute the perpetrators, despite the fact that kidnapping, rape, and sexually assaulting a minor are all crimes. This is partly because few girls will call in the police against their own families; some face death threats if they do. There is an urgent need to review the rules around anonymity, and to end the heinous practice of approving visas for men who have used forced marriage as a way to enter Britain. Many women who wish to block visas for men they have been forced to marry have been unable to do so. The home secretary has promised to act. But women need a way to give statements which are not made public.

Where is the feminist outrage about these horrific abuses? In Somaliland, the police only discovered the illegal school because a brave 19-year-old girl had managed to escape and raise the alarm. How many more such establishments exist, we do not know. The Foreign Office needs to change its charging regime. But it is easy to blame governments. We need to start challenging the perpetrators, too.

The writer, a former head of the Downing Street policy unit, is senior fellow at Harvard Kennedy School

Finding your dream wedding dress is no mean feat – and then you have the opinions of other people to deal with.

One mum thought she had found the perfect style, then spiralled into a “confidence crisis” after her teenage daughter said the gown looked like “something from the 80s”

On Mumsnet, the woman shared a photo of herself in a frilly dress that she’d picked out for the big day, from Needle and Thread.

Explaining that she was 47 and marrying for the second time, she wrote: “Getting married in three weeks, low key affair. Just the four kids and the two of us in a registry office.

The dress divided opinion (Image: Toooldtobedoingthis/Mumsnet)

“Bought a dress I love but 14-year-old daughter has said she hates it and I look like something from the 80s.”

The woman said her daughter’s comments had thrown her, adding: “[It] has given me a crisis of confidence and thinking maybe this is the wrong choice!”

The dress divided opinion on the parenting forum, with some people loving the item and others agreeing with her daughter.

Some loved the outfit, praising how “lovely” and “stunning” the mum looked in it.

The dress was from Needle and Thread (Image: Needle and Thread)

However, not everyone was convinced.

One said to the mum: “I don’t like it at all. If you do that’s what really matters – but you have a lovely figure and that dress doesn’t do anything for you.:
However, others weren’t so sure.

Another said: “I’m not keen but it’s your day and your dress you don’t need to please anyone but yourself.”

Mumsnet users shared links to alternative dresses – which actually led the mum finding another dress

She went for another option  

She later revealed that she’d settled on an different outfit, explaining: “Thank you all for the advice and impartial views. [I] have today tried a few of the styles suggested.

“Particular thanks to @FenellaMaxwellsPony. Your ASOS silver bridesmaid suggestion was delivered today and had the seal of approval from the 14-year-old – and I love it, so sold!”

It seems as though she made a good choice, writing on the thread after the big day: “It was fantastic… Wedding dress was lovely after all the advice.”

filistimlyanin/iStock/Getty Images

Welcome to the newest addition to the Dear Prudence lineup: the Friday mini-column. At the end of the workweek, Prudie will answer two more questions from the mailbag. This week’s theme: wedding woes.

To get advice from Prudie, send questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion. Or call the Dear Prudence podcast voicemail at 401-371-DEAR (3327) to hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Dear Prudence,
My mom is a complainer, to the point that I wonder if she has some kind of victim complex. She is the queen of sending her food back to the kitchen. What’s worse is that she can’t just politely send her dish back—she has to give the server an extended thesis on what was wrong with it. She has moved every year for the past 10 years, each time claiming her new place is great and the old place was a rat hole. I once intervened at a store because of how she responded when the cashier offered to sign her up for a store credit card. She simply can’t keep her mouth shut. She recently came over to my future mother-in-law’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and declared the turkey undercooked. I was mortified. I’m about to start planning my wedding, and while I know everything can’t be perfect, I don’t want my mother whining all day, especially when she’s going to have be in close proximity to my father, whom she hates. Is there a decent way to tell her to just keep her awful comments to herself because her complaining drives me nuts and ruins everything?
—Mom the Complainer

“Mom, please keep any complaints to yourself, because they drive me wild and take all the fun out of [event].” That is a very decent thing to say! My guess is that you actually meant “Is there a way to tell her to keep her complaints to herself that won’t unleash the Biggest Complaint Tirade of All Time,” and the answer to that is probably no. But that is because your mother is a profoundly unreasonable person who barely ever gets challenged, not because there’s some better way of phrasing this request that we’re both missing. If her response is some variation of “I’m not a complainer; I’m just uniquely unlucky, and the world is full of monsters who can’t meet my standards,” then your only option is to hang up the phone, leave the room, cut the conversation short, and minimize the amount of time you spend talking to her. Either she’ll eventually get the message and learn to vent somewhere else or she won’t, but at least you won’t have to listen to the constant low-level drone of her deliberate misery for as long as you plan your wedding.

Dear Prudence,
I’m recently engaged, and some family friends offered to throw an engagement party specifically for other family friends who won’t be invited to the wedding. They’re sensitive to the fact that our budget is limited but want to create a space for people who’ve known me my whole life to celebrate and get to know my fiancé. I am completely overwhelmed by their generosity and will likely take them up on it, but I know common etiquette dictates that it’s greedy to invite nonwedding guests to an engagement party. And since I won’t be the one sending out the invitations, can you think of a way to make sure the intent is clear, so that it doesn’t just look like a grab for presents?
—A Nice Problem

There are very few wedding traditions I think of as non-negotiable, but inviting everyone who was at the engagement party to the wedding itself is definitely one of them. I just don’t think there’s any way to finesse such a thing so that it’s anything but rude. As sweet as the offer may have been, I think you ought to decline. If this took place after the wedding itself, that would be different, but having a pre-wedding celebration for people who might later (reasonably) expect an invitation and be disappointed on not receiving one would cause unnecessarily hurt feelings. People might wonder if they’d said or done something at the engagement party to offend you and got knocked off the wedding invitation list! If you want some of your family friends to get to know your fiancé, try to schedule a brunch or non-wedding-related event with them in the next few months.

You say you’re probably going to say yes, so if nothing I’ve said here inclines you to change your mind, the best thing you can do is to communicate to the host that you will be having a small, budget wedding and aren’t expecting gifts, and hope that they’ll be able to (tactfully) pass the message along to the invitees. Good luck!

Catch Up on This Week’s Prudie:

Help! I’m Worried My Deaf Son Is Being Used as “Inspiration Porn.”
Dear Prudence Uncensored: The Nervous Jokester
Dear Prudence Podcast: The “Up for Sitting Down” Edition