Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
How To Save Your Marriage From Relationship Problems Caused By Holiday Stress – YourTango
Make the holidays jolly again.
By Jeremy Brown
Making the most out of the most holiday season can be taxing.
There’s the gift buying, the travel plan-making, the kid-corralling, the listening to “Jingle Bells” for the 1,000th time while in line buying wrapping paper behind some old woman who doesn’t understand how to insert her debit card correctly.
Not to mention, you’re trying to get through the Q4 holiday crunch at the office while maintaining unhealthy levels of merriment to ensure that the kids have good holiday memories.
The high stress of the holiday season — some of which we create; some of which others create for us — often results in some stressful spousal arguments related to everything from gift budgeting to holiday plan-making.
If you’re looking for some marriage advice or how to save a relationship during the holidays, here are six common issues couples face and how you can prevent them.
1. “This must be the best. holiday. ever.” syndrome.
Call it Clark Griswold syndrome: the feeling that, this year, you must be the merriest person on the block, in the family, in the world so that your kids can have spectacular Christmas memories that match yours.
The impulse is understandable, but it’s not manageable.
If you push the holiday train into overdrive, a lot of stress can boil over into your relationship. More money is spent, weekends are more demanding, and you risk burning yourselves out.
If you love the holidays and want to go big, fine. Just be sure that you and your partner are on the same page and that you won’t be in the red emotionally and monetarily come January.
“Ask questions like, what are your fondest holiday memories or traditions as a child? What would your ideal holiday look like this year?”
Once you have the groundwork for expectations, you and your partner can find a few that you definitely want to hit — even if one involves kicking back and drinking eggnog while wearing reindeer slippers.
2. Festivity fatigue.
You know what’s often wrapped up under the tree? Stress. The holiday season brings with it choir concerts, trees to find, presents to buy, extended families to endure, and lots of expectations.
It can be draining on anyone and has the potential to cause marriage problems.
“Holiday cheer is replaced by stress as people deal with family drama, financial concerns, and general festivity fatigue,” says Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and owner of the Ohio-based relationship coaching business The Popular Man.
It’s important in these times to practice self-care (workout, eat right, find a few minutes to sit in peace) and manage expectations. It’s important to stay open with your spouse and not lose your cool when everything starts to add up.
“The antidote is, in the midst of the chaos, to take a deep breath and look at your spouse with empathy, rather than as your enemy.”
3. Runaway gift spending
The holiday season is when we tend to let go of our better judgment in the name of good cheer.
Just don’t let that care-free spirit drastically change your shopping habits or you could wind up starting the new year on poor financial footing.
“The solution here is to decide spending limits in advance as a couple and stick to them,” Bennett says.
Some holiday budgeting tips include determining a price cap for every purchase, making a list and sticking to it (i.e. not going crazy and buying gifts that you just couldn’t resist, not using credit cards, and paying attention to holiday sales.)
Such advice will keep you and your partner on the same page and lessen the post-holiday spending hangover.
Another potential gift buying trouble spot: an uneven balance of who does the shopping, “Actually buying the gifts can create tension, especially if one partner feels like he or she is doing all of the work,” Bennett adds.
The key to avoiding this lies in hashing out who’s buying what and how much shopping time you’re each willing to log.
4. Bickering about where the holidays are spent
Until Silicon Valley disrupts the laws of physics, you can still only be in one place at one time.
“The feeling of being pulled in every direction during the holidays can create a lot of stress and lead to fights in relationships,” says Bennett.
“Your partner might always go to Uncle Joe’s on Christmas Eve while you prefer to open presents at your mom’s house.”
Hash it out together and whatever you decide, stick to it. Translation: Create a unified force.
Even if Uncle John gets offended or your mom guilt-trips you for not heading home with the grandkids, don’t back down. The sanity of your family needs to be prioritized.
5. Forgetting to be normal
General relationship maintenance is easy to overlook around the holidays when you’re running from winter bake sales to concerts to whatever else it is you have on your long-as-santa’s-list agenda.
But it’s important to stay consistent and carve out time for one another.
“Intentionally make a plan for staying connected through the holidays with daily ‘talk time’ and one or two dates per week,” suggests Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and marriage counselor in Colorado.
Basically, you need to treat the holidays as you do work: set boundaries and realize that quality time spent with your spouse trumps deciding what cookies to bake.
6. Not ditching the discord
The holidays are a time for family and friends and warm memories.
But the truth of the matter is that not every family functions well enough to require a full holiday visit. Maybe you fight with your brother-in-law.
Maybe your wife doesn’t get along with your mother. If these relationships are frayed, sometimes the best option is avoiding the insanity altogether.
“While the focus of the season is on love and togetherness, this can be a real problem for people who don’t have warm, wonderful families or good relationships with in-laws,” says Lesli Doares, a relationship coach and author in North Carolina.
“Trying to force togetherness under the guise of the season often backfires. No one has to make excuses for someone not being there.”
Jeremy Brown is a writer who frequently covers love and relationship issues for Fatherly.
This article was originally published at Fatherly . Reprinted with permission from the author.
Meghan Markle Declined Queen Elizabeth's Advice About Family Drama – Harper's BAZAAR
While rumours of a feud between Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, and her fellow royal family members have been vociferous enough, the Duchess has also been subjected to the wrath of her father, Thomas Markle, and her older step-sister, Samantha Markle.
Meghan’s two family members have taken to media to discredit the Duchess on multiple occasions, and according to new reports, even Queen Elizabeth II shared her advice with the pregnant Duchess on how to control her family members’ inflammatory comments.
Meghan Markle and Queen Elizabeth II on their first official outing in June 2018.
According to Vanity Fair , Queen Elizabeth was: “very concerned that (the Markle situation) was spiralling out of control, which it was.
“Buckingham Palace wanted to be able to do something and be proactive, and make the situation go away. It was a direction from the Queen, so her courtiers were under strict instruction to sort it out.”
However, Meghan actively refused the Queen’s assistance when it came to her family, telling the monarch that it’s something she has to deal with “on her own”.
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry at their wedding on May 19, 2018.
Both before and after Meghan’s entrance into the royal family, her estranged family members haven’t been shy in expressing their disapproval for the 37-year-old Duchess.
There’s no word on how exactly the feud between Meghan and her family members began, but tensions between Meghan, her father and her 53-year-old half-sister Samantha seemed to intensify around the time of her marriage to Prince Harry in May.
It’s widely known that the Duchess has never had a relationship with her older half-siblings prior to the 2018 feud. A source told People Magazine in May: “Meghan has no relationship with her half-siblings, nor has she ever had one. They were out of the house by the time she was born.”
According to Vanity Fair, Samantha Markle is reportedly still angry at her sister for not providing their father with financial support, and recently posted on Twitter: “[Meghan] thinks it’s cool to ghost an entire family, best friend of 30 years, ex-husband who treated her very well, and trade everyone out for the Royals and the Clooneys.”
Meet Michael J. Fox’s 4 Awesome Kids, Sam, Aquinnah, Schuyler, And Esmé – Closer Weekly
When you think of Michael J. Fox, you either think of his classic Back to the Future movies or you think about his long-term fight of Parkinson’s disease. But Michael is a lot more than that, of course, and he has quite the family that is proof of that.
Back in 1988, Michael married actress Tracy Pollan. And 30 years later, they are still together, which just shows how strong their bond has been all these years. In fact, Michael and Tracy once revealed the secret to their long-lasting marriage, saying that it is just in the way they were both raised. “Big families, middle children,” Michael told People. “Sense of humor. Both our families had that.” Tracy also said of her upbringing, “It was us against the world. That’s exactly what we’ve created.”
Tracy went on to add, “Just give each other the benefit of the doubt. [Michael] assumes I’m doing the best I can.” Michael also chimed in with some marriage advice for others, saying, “Find the best things about you and the best things about life and celebrate them.” And Tracy and Michael have celebrated one another, as they’ve also brought four children into the world — a son named Sam, twin girls name Schuyler and Aquinnah, and a daughter name Esmé. And since we’ve told you all about Michael and his wife Tracy, it’s only right we tell you all a bit about each of their kids.
So go right ahead and scroll down to learn about the four kids Michael and Tracy have brought up!
13 Scientifically-Backed Factors That Can Predict A Bad Marriage – YourTango
Can you find out if you’re doomed to fail before you walk down the aisle?
Everyone knows that one couple: the couple that everyone secretly wishes would just break up, but somehow seem to always magically decide that they need to have a wedding to fix everything. It’s a cliche that plays out in just about every single social circle out there, and the reason it’s such a common trope is because of the way people are.
Think about it. When people walk down the aisle, they don’t do it thinking that they will have a failed marriage. Everyone likes to believe that their marriage will make it, even if it isn’t always realistic. Sometimes, people defy the odds and prove people wrong. Other times, their marriage is dead on arrival.
Having done a lot of research on marriage and weddings, there are a lot of scientifically-backed red flags that can predict a bad marriage before the wedding ceremony is even over. If you want marriage advice, you’ve come to the right place, because here are some of the most damning risk factors you can have.
1. One (or both) parties in the marriage makes a living as a model, a personal trainer, or a dancer.
These professions may be glamorous, but they sure aren’t good for your marriage statistics. Statistics show that these professions are the ones that are most likely to end in divorce, with the most common reason behind it being infidelity.
2. The bride had serious pre-wedding jitters.
Believe it or not, a groom having cold feet doesn’t necessarily bode badly for a marrying couple. However, the couple should be seriously concerned if the bride has serious misgivings before the wedding. The Journal of American Psychology pointed out that bridal pre-wedding jitters more than doubles the risk of divorce a couple will face.
3. There was seriously contempt-filled behavior happening before the marriage.
The Gottman Institute is known for being able to predict divorce (or abusive marriages) with a 90 percent accuracy rate. John Gottman, who is the head of the institute, claimed that contempt is the number one predictor of a bad marriage, not to mention divorce. Sadly, once contempt takes root in a relationship, it’s usually no longer salvageable.
4. You got married as a teenager, or you got married after 32.
Though there are always outliers, studies show that the best marriage chances happen between 20 and 32 years of age. If you marry too young, you tend to outgrow your partner. Being too old also doesn’t bode well; a new study revealed that every year you wait to marry after 32 boosts your chances of divorce by 5 percent.
5. The groom doesn’t work full-time or is a stay-at-home dad.
The concept of a stay-at-home husband may be very progressive, but it’s clear that something isn’t too healthy about it for many men. Studies show that men who work less than their wives are more likely to face divorce. Whether this is due to resentment about uneven workloads or because they feel emasculated remains to be seen.
6. Actually, if the wife outearns her spouse, the divorce risk more than doubles.
A Swiss study showed that female breadwinners have more than double the chance of getting divorces when compared to ladies who stay at home.
7. You or your partner didn’t graduate high school.
It seems like staying in school really does pay off, even when it comes to your romance. Studies have found that more than half of all high school dropouts will have marriages that end in divorce, compared to only 30 percent of college grads. It’s believed that the lower standard of living they have may contribute to their marital stress.
8. Wedding planning turned into a disaster.
A lot of wedding planners swear by this rule, and it’s one that makes tons of sense. Couples that tend to bicker, argue, and straight up fight over wedding plans are couples that often have deeper underlying issues that impede their ability to be happy together.
9. One or both of the partners are deeply pessimistic.
It seems like a sunny outlook might be more important to your marriage than you think. A bad attitude towards life can make marriages turn sour, fast. How big a difference it makes can shock you. One study even linked boys who didn’t smile in school photos experience a 500 percent increase in the chance of divorce later on!
10. Only one of you smokes.
Believe it or not, studies showed that couples that had one smoker rather than two smokers had a higher chance of divorce. Couples that didn’t smoke at all had the lowest divorce rates of all. Many believe that the reason why this is such a strong warning sign of a bad marriage is because it signals major lifestyle differences.
11. More than 20 percent of your wedding guests refused to attend.
Several studies have found a direct correlation between bad marriages and low wedding attendance. Your risk of having an unhappy marriage that ends in divorce climbs significantly if a large chunk of your wedding guests refuse to attend your wedding. Considering that many people drop out of weddings they don’t agree with, this makes a lot of sense.
12. Debt is a major issue for you or your partner.
Finances matter, big time. Around a third of all divorces are due to financial issues, and Lord only knows how many arguments are because of money-related problems later on. Multiple studies have shown that couples that have high levels of debt and low wages are more likely to divorce. They are also far less likely to report satisfaction with their marriages.
13. Your man has a high level of testosterone.
Oh, this just isn’t fair, is it? High testosterone in men is typically seen as attractive to women, but that comes with a serious caveat. It’s linked to higher divorce rates and infidelity.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she’s not writing, she’s drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her @bluntandwitty on Twitter.
