Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Hints from Heloise: Wedding-bell blues | Advice Columns – Temple Daily Telegram
Dear Readers: A while back, we ran a letter from a couple who were getting married and wanted guests who came to their wedding to give them money for a honeymoon instead of a gift. We got an overwhelming response from readers all across the U.S., with the vast majority of them against requesting money. Here are some of the replies we received.
— Heloise
“Asking for money is tacky and rude. If I received a wedding invite with a request for cash, I would RSVP a polite ‘no’ and then erase the couple from my contact list.”
— Bobbie C., San Clemente, Calif.
“I absolutely would not! A gift should be from the heart of the giver.”
— Linda S., Thousand Oaks, Calif.
“My thought is this: If you can’t afford the honeymoon, then you’re spending too much on the wedding.”
— P. Johnson in San Antonio
“I think it is rude to ask for money for a honeymoon.”
— Carlyn H., Prattville, Ala.
“Asking for money to fund a honeymoon trip has an advantage: It’s easy. The disadvantage is that it’s impersonal.”
— Harry in the Texas Hill Country
“I would be glad not to have to guess what the couple wanted or needed.”
— Kathy B., via email
The 1 Wedding Photo You Won't Have Thought About, and How to Make It Your Own – POPSUGAR UK
It’s a wedding picture you will end up posing for, even if you don’t know it now, and it may well turn out to be one of the images your photographer insists on putting in your final edit. All wedding snappers grab a shot or five of the happy couple signing the register. Smart couples make sure this image looks just as sparkly as every other pose they’ve planned, so take some time now to get ready for that iconic shot.
We’ve all seen photographers come in for the signing shot as soon as the legal paperwork is finished (I know I have; I’ve been a marriage registrar for eight years now), but often, posing for the camera is the last thing on a couple’s mind as they come to terms with the excitement of actually being wed. Speak to your photographer beforehand to make sure they follow your lead for these crucial images. Although you can’t know until your big day how you will actually feel, you will have an idea of whether you want to pose for lots of pictures or whether you want it short, simple, and meaningful at this point. Just remember: the registrars, along with the register, will go at the end of your ceremony, so this is a one-off chance to get a photo to remember.
Make a list before your big day of who you want to include in these formal poses. It might just be the two of you, it might be your witness, it could be parents or children, depending on your circumstances. Talk about it together beforehand, because there’s nothing worse than a happy wedding taking a sour turn when one partner packs this special photo with relatives while their other half’s family are left seething in the front row. Make sure your photographer has a written version of your wish list and sticks to it.
Often, decorations for the table in the ceremony room become an afterthought, which is a shame, because when you get your signing-the-register photos back, what you’ll see is a big blank table with the two of you stranded in the middle. If you’ve got a colour scheme or theme, think about incorporating it into the room where you will actually say “I do”. A smart option is to use the main decorations from your top table for the ceremony — it will provide continuity through your photo album, make the room look dressy, and save you a bit of cash, too.
Don’t expect to see your names lovingly inscribed in the book when you get your photos back. You’re not allowed to photograph the actual register entry, so instead you’ll end up posing with a blank page in front of you. It will look just as great in your album, but don’t be disappointed to see your entry disappear before your eyes once you’ve signed on the dotted line.
The register will always look like the register, but it’s potluck when it comes to pens. The registrars will usually set you up for these photos and hand over whichever pen they’ve brought with them. Sometimes it will be lovely and sparkly. Sometimes it will be a bog standard biro that gets lost in the middle of your picture. If you’ve got a colour scheme or theme for your wedding, why not invest in a pen that will match and stand out in your photos? All you’ve got to do is make sure it’s an ink-free zone, as no registrar is letting you anywhere near that book with a filled fountain pen.
Ask Amy: Woman blames wrong person for friendship problems – Winston-Salem Journal
Dear Amy: My friend “Jean’s” son got married at a location more than 300 miles away. Jean told me that I was “the only one of her friends” that she was able to invite to the wedding, so I felt a certain pressure to go.
The couple rented a camp with cabins. I opted not to stay there.
I asked if there was going to be a rehearsal dinner. Jean said yes, but because I opted not to stay at the camp, I was not included.
I told her that out of town guests are invited to the dinner. I said, “I’m hurt by this. Could we talk about it?” She got mad and told me that it was too late to talk about it, and that I was being “nasty” by “lecturing” her.
I apologized. She was cordial, but distant to me at the wedding.
Later, I got an email telling me how hurt she was, and how she’s afraid to speak her mind to me, because she’s afraid of my anger.
She brought up an occasion when she claims I yelled at her in front of her son and my kids, which I could not remember. She says that what happened before the wedding is “done” — but it’s not done for me. I drove more than 700 miles to attend, apologized for what I said, learned that she’s always been afraid of telling me her true feelings, and now, in her mind, “what’s done is done.”
I say that friends should be able to talk things out. I want an apology and I want to have my hurt feelings recognized too. Upset Friend
Dear Upset: You are not owed an apology. You rudely insinuated that your friend had an obligation to invite you to her son’s rehearsal dinner, she didn’t, and when she was honest in her reaction and also later in her description and feelings about your dynamic, you blamed her for that, too.
You’ve had your candid conversation.
Thank her for her honesty, use it to review your own behavior and expectations, and look for ways to get on a firmer footing moving forward.
Dear Amy: “Worried Aunt” was concerned about her niece, who was marrying a man with whom she was in a stalemate.
I appreciated your idea that the aunt could respond to this by suggesting pre-marital counseling. My former fiance and I broke up during ours. Happy Now
Dear Happy: The stress of wedding planning reveals fissures in relationships. Counseling can help to create paths of communication — or lead to a timely parting.
Husband needs to call a family meeting – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 25 years. In most respects we continue to have a very solid relationship. We enjoy talking and doing things together, and we have a lot in common.
We have been semi-retired for 10 years. We spend a lot of time together.
If there is one challenge that never seems to resolve itself, however, it is my wife’s claims that I have either not listened to her, or that I have misinterpreted something she says.
She stores away every instance of my “failures” in this area, so that each time I miss or forget something she has said, she becomes frustrated and upset.
These miscommunications usually involve minor issues relating to house maintenance, shopping and scheduling. This happens every few weeks.
In my view, considering how much time we spend together, these episodes are not serious enough to evoke her building frustration, which then spills over.
I have apologized often, but have also told her that I am human and am going to forget things on occasion or misinterpret what she says.
She invariably says that these situations are examples of a lack of respect for her.
I feel I am under a microscope and that she is growing intolerant to the point that it poses a threat to the marriage. She insists that there is no other underlying grievance involved.
I would like to try to improve things before recommending marriage counseling. Any advice?
– Caring Husband
Dear Caring: Holding onto grievances is a terrible habit, in part because your wife’s feelings and outbursts then become the focus of your communication. If she wants you to continue to work on controlling or changing your own habits, she should work on her own.
You two should have regular family meetings where you review household matters. Even though you see one another all the time, sitting down with intention will be good for your relationship.
Read more:
Always close these meetings the way a good journalist closes an important interview: “Is there anything important we haven’t discussed? Is there anything more you’d like to tell me?”
And before you two part, look her in the eyes and say, “Honey, I’m flawed. I make mistakes. But I appreciate you.” Does she deserve this response? Maybe not. But do it anyway.
Leading with a loving reaction should disarm, charm, and inspire her to behave differently.
Dear Amy: For the past 10 years I have had a difficult relationship with my younger brother, who lives in Germany. Things got very bad when I found out he had molested his daughter for most of her teen years.
He vehemently denied this accusation. My niece is not physically or emotionally strong enough to bring her father to justice, and now my brother has no relationship with her at all.
He also wouldn’t let me see our mother at her house. My mother became very afraid of him when he began to run her life, so in the end we could only spend time together by going to a restaurant. She passed away 5 years ago.
I received an email from my brother, saying he wants to try “one more time” to have a relationship since our family has become very small, and we are getting old. He says we should just forget about “the little differences.”
I don’t even know this guy anymore. He has never been part of my life, and has never visited me in the U.S. in the 40 years I’ve lived here.
I feel like I will be betraying my niece if I have a relationship with him; I think he is a monster and should be behind bars.
I have not replied to his email and am waiting to hear what you have to say.
– Wondering
Dear Wondering: Responding to a “bid” is not the same as having a relationship. I think you should respond very briefly and simply and see what he wants, and why. This could be the opportunity to you to very honestly tell him what you think of him. You have the right to confront him over these “little differences,” which don’t sound little at all.
Dear Amy: “Wayward Dad” described his anguish over his distant relationship with his son and grandchildren, who lived 3000 miles away.
My husband and I dealt with this by leaving our town and our friends, picking up and moving to be near our family.
We treasure our closeness to the kids, and now travel great distances to see our pals.
– Works for Us
Dear Works: A great solution.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/21/marriage-relationship/2242387002/
