Relationships Talk

17 September 2018

‘On screen romance’ used to mean film star couples, but nowadays it’s a more apt description of modern dating! When did meeting your significant other in real life become ‘old school’? Somehow in the last few years, the balance has tipped and daters are meeting the loves of their lives without even leaving the house. But we needn’t just rely on our phones to match us with our potential partners- after all you can’t beat real life chemistry! The team at new dating website, My Friend Charlie, organise events for London singles and share their best tips for finding your lobster.

Looking for a significant other?

1. Get introduced by a friend

Your friends know you better than anyone and can look objectively at people they know, setting you up with like-minded potential suitors. This is great for finding out a little more about someone before going straight in and meeting them- and is how people would date way back when! It is great to have a level of friendship with the person you are dating and meeting them through an existing friend is a good way to establish this. Everybody loves a love story and there’s nothing better than having a connection with someone the first time you meet.

2. Work on yourself first

Before getting out into the dating world it is a good idea to work on yourself first. For example, if you are going through some instability in your job or your home life is causing you stress, it can be a good idea to work through the bigger issues before making dating a priority. This way, you can put your energy into finding that special someone without taking your stresses and strains onto the date with you.

3. Look for dating events

Getting out and dating in the real world can be intimidating, especially if you have been living the single life for a while. Grab the bull by the horns and take a leap of faith by going along to a dating event- you never know where it could lead! My Friend Charlie host quirky events in London for singles, like comedy nights and food masterclasses. You might find your soulmate as a result of bonding over the perfect soufflé! The idea behind their events is to take dating back to a face-to-face experience, moving away from romances solely across a screen.

4. Join a club

If you don’t enjoy sport, going along to a tennis club to find the man of your dreams might not be the best use of your dating energies. Spend time doing things you enjoy, so you can meet like-minded people- they might end up being your soulmate! Joining clubs and making friends is a good way to find social events and get to know people in your area.

Think back to a time where your date would arrive at your front door, the butterflies and nerves that can only be associated with the first meeting. You would head to the local park and spend the afternoon eating picnic food and playing lawn games- Well, maybe our grandparents would have! My Friend Charlie are running a ‘picnic in the park and games’ event next month, so grab some single friends and take a trip back to the past!

5. Get out of your comfort zone

Whether that means going to a bar alone or arranging a group date and bringing someone you fancy, there are plenty of ways you can push your dating boundaries. Engaging in experiences that will push you out of your comfort zone are great for improving confidence and again, gives you the opportunity to meet your possible love interest in real life rather than online!

For more dating advice and information about My Friend Charlie, visit www.myfriendcharlie.co.uk

When a well-educated single man named John showed up at Stef Safran’s matchmaking office, she felt sure that she could help him meet someone special. He wasn’t so confident. He had tried matchmaking once before and hadn’t had any luck. His bad experience made him leery of trusting another dating professional with his love life.

However, Stef’s caring manner soon won him over. She listened to his problems and gave him practical dating advice based on her experience as CEO of Stef and the City, a Chicago-based matchmaking firm.

To start with, Stef advised John to stop setting up dates at local bars — he wasn’t a big drinker, so why would he choose an environment that made him uncomfortable? She encouraged him to stay in his comfort zone, at least the outset of the relationship, and build relationships with women who shared his interests.

Today, John is happily married with a young son. Even though Stef didn’t introduce the couple, John told her her advice helped him get in a committed relationship. Her support got him in the right mindset to meet and marry the one for him.

When Stef heard of his engagement, she was on cloud nine. “Those are the days you love your job,” she said with a smile. “I didn’t directly introduce him to his wife but he still gives me credit because my advice helped him figure out what was going wrong.”

Throughout her career, Stef has consulted with single men and women facing all sorts of dating challenges. Her level-headed guidance and savvy introductions have led many singles, like John, to meet their match in Chicago’s city limits.

Stef and the City Coaches Clients to Make Changes

Stef’s clients are singles as young as their mid 20s and as old as their mid 50s. With the swiping culture, it’s harder to find someone, but it’s also harder to understand how to date in an age of The Bigger Better Deal is just around the corner. They’ve tried dating on their own — they may have already been married, or they just know what they are doing isn’t working and are sick of meeting the wrong people.

They’re ready to get off the carousel of bad dates and settle down with a serious partner. The trick is finding that person.

Professional matchmakers can help singles get clear about what they want and meet the right type of people, but that may not be enough to make a relationship work. Singles have to be willing to change their bad dating habits if they want to change their bad dating results.

Stef can identify her clients’ dating issues and suggest remedies. Whether she’s recommending an attitude adjustment or a personal stylist, Stef gives singles the resources to improve themselves and overcome obstacles on the way to love.

Stef and the City offers matchmaking, coaching, and other dating services to assist serious singles.

Stef and the City’s traditional matchmaking and coaching services give singles a primer on choosing a partner and getting in a relationship. But some singles need a little extra help along the way.

That’s why Stef offers additional services to get daters up to snuff and ready to knock the next date out of the park. The clients who take Stef’s feedback to heart and work on themselves often see their dating patterns change for the better. Stef can do her part as a matchmaker and dating coach, but she needs her clients to do their part as well.

“If you’re dissatisfied with your love life, you have to make changes. You have to do something do get what you want,” she said. “You can’t rely on us matchmakers to wave a magic wand.”

There’s No Quick Fix or Shortcut to Love

We’d all love it if matchmakers could wave a magic wand and make your one-true love materialize out of thin air. But it doesn’t work that way. Some singles mistake matchmakers for miracle workers and don’t understand that building a relationship takes much more than an introduction. Singles need to be willing to put in the effort to turn a date into something real and lasting.

Stef told us the most difficult part of her job often isn’t finding dates, it’s ensuring her clients set reasonable standards for themselves and their dates.

She advises her clients to set realistic expectations in the dating scene and not hold out for an imaginary perfect match. It doesn’t have to be can’t-eat, can’t-sleep love at first sight. A great first date doesn’t have to involve fireworks and candlelight. A long conversation at a coffee shop could be just as enjoyable and promising.

“If you’re dissatisfied with your love life, you have to make changes. You have to do something to get what you want.” — Stef Safran, Founder of Stef and the City

Stef encourages singles to look beyond the fairy tale and create a relationship that’s grounded in reality, honesty, and mutual attraction.

Dating can be a long and tedious process, but Stef is there to support her clients and see to it that they never give up hope. Her central message is for singles to let go of their false beliefs and unrealistic expectations and just try to have fun meeting new people. According to Stef, when you go into it with a positive frame of mind, you automatically become more attractive and engaging on dates.

“You have to do your best to enjoy the dating experience to find someone who’s right for you,” she said. “There’s no quick fix. You have to go on bad dates to know the good ones.”

Advocating for Serious Dating in the Age of Apps & Sites

Stef expanded her business to include online dating profile help because she saw singles struggling to master these high-tech tools and wanted to lend a hand. She teaches clients how to market themselves on a dating site and stand out from the crowd in their profiles and messages. Her online dating strategy focuses on using authentic and original content to draw serious date prospects.

This coaching program helps singles maximize their time on a dating site (or app) and get the most out of the experience.

Stef told us she’s concerned by the superficial direction online dating is taking, and she wants to remind online daters that there’s a person on the other end of that profile. “Dating attitudes have gotten worse now that you can instantly meet people. You don’t even need a computer,” she said. “We’ve stopped having to sit down and pay attention to people.”

Stef teaches her clients how to sort through their date prospects online in a smart and efficient way. It’s important to have a real conversation, she told us, before agreeing to a date with just anybody. Her step-by-step assistance keeps clients safe from scammers and brings common courtesy back to the modern dating scene.

“I’d like to see people take their safety seriously and treat each other better,” she said. “People don’t want to feel like they’re disposable and their feelings don’t matter.”

Stef Teaches You How to Get What You Want

The many frustrations and heartaches in the dating scene are enough to get anyone down. John was at his lowest low when he turned to Stef and the City for help. Stef gave him the sensible advice he needed to turn things around and put his best foot forward on every first date. Now his dating days are finally behind him, and he has a young family to call his own.

Though Stef didn’t introduce John to his wife, the Chicago matchmaker give him the confidence and dating strategies to get the relationship he wanted. Stef’s job isn’t simply to introduce singles — it’s to prepare them to make a good impression and succeed in the modern dating world. She gives them tips and tools they can use on their own, so nothing stands between them and a new love interest.

Stef’s matchmaking and coaching services have made a difference in countless lives, and she hopes to continue sharing her insights with singles across the country.

“People have to understand that dating isn’t an easy process, but it’s an important process,” she said. “There’s always something to learn from every date. And if you show you can listen and empathize, that means the person you end up with is going to be a quality person.”

In many parts of the world, young people lack access to accurate and understandable information on sexual and reproductive health. Myths and misconceptions are common and can lead to unnecessary anxiety, vulnerability to exploitation, and risky behaviour. 

Since 2015, WHO has been supporting the ARMADILLO project, which has been working with more than 1600 young people in Kenya and Peru to pioneer a free text message service that offers confidential, straight-talking advice on relationships and sexual health.

Incorporating fast facts and quizzes, the message content covers topics on ‘love and life’ ranging from contraception to sexually transmitted infections, drugs and alcohol, youth rights, puberty, dating, relationships and self-esteem.

“Youth-friendly services aim to make facility-based healthcare more attractive and accessible for young people. But we also need to reach young people where they are, outside of the facilities,” explains Lianne Gonsalves, who has been managing the project at WHO. “Today, that has to include technology.”

“The appeal of using mobiles for sexual health education is clear,” she adds. You don’t need to have an awkward conversation with an adult or find time to go to the clinic; it is low-cost and discrete – providing immediate info at the click of a button.

The next step, however, is to assess how well such information is understood and retained by youth who use it, and crucially, if it impacts on their knowledge and attitudes in key health areas such as contraceptive use.

Developing youth-friendly health content

A partnership between WHO, Kenya’s International Centre for Reproductive Health (ICRH-K) in Mombasa and the Universidad Peruana Cayetano Heredia in Lima, ARMADILLO targets adolescents and youth who own their own phone, aged between 18 and 24 in Kenya and 13 and 17 in Peru.

Once they sign up, the young people receive a series of different text messages over several weeks in their chosen language. One week, the topic might be relationships – they can choose to receive content on friendship, dating, infatuation, love, communication and self-esteem; the next, they might receive messages on contraception, such as information on different contraceptive types.

In designing the messages, the teams talked to groups of young Kenyans and Peruvians to get inputs on their ideas and concerns, and topics on which they wanted to know more.

^{The ARMADILLO platform provided confidential information relating to relationships and sexual health. Photo: ICRH-K/ J Mwaisaka}

“While they told us they wanted info on sexual health, they were also keen to get advice on dating and relationships,” says Jefferson  Mwaisaka from ICRH-K, who helped coordinate the ARMADILLO study in Kenya.

“For us, it was important to include this, as part of a broader conversation around decision making – knowing how to respect yourself and others, and becoming sexually healthy, protected and confident adults.”

The way forward

With a new global strategy for digital health under development, WHO is playing a leading role in developing evidence and guidance, monitoring trends, and spearheading innovative mobile and other digital initiatives and research into what works.

“Done well, mobile technology could be an invaluable tool for helping young people bust myths around sexual health to get the information they need, when they need it,” explains Mwaisaka. “A major benefit of ARMADILLO will be its contribution to an important, but as yet underdeveloped, evidence base on digital health.”

Results from the study will be published later in the year, with potential to expand the platform in the two countries in the future.

By Annie Lane