Category Archives: Relationships
11 Common Pieces Of Dating Advice That Can Be Toxic
There’s so much dating advice floating around out there, that it can be tough to weed through it all and get down to the good stuff. This becomes even trickier when it’s well-known dating advice you’ve heard a million times, such as “you need to get back out there” and “you teach people how to treat you.” You might take these lines as gospel — as so many people do — but in reality, quite a few classic dating tips can actually be quite toxic.
If advice like this works for you, and you find it helpful in some way, that’s great. But don’t follow it if you feel it may be leading you down the wrong road, or making your dating life more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly OK to pause and reevaluate these common tips and tricks, to see if they really work for you, and adjust as necessary.
“All dating advice should be taken with a grain of salt,” Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. You need to pause and think if it applies to you, if it’s helpful, or if it’s even actually still viable, especially since the “rules” of dating change all the time. Here are a few well-known but potentially toxic pieces of dating advice we’ve all heard but may need to ignore, according to experts.
1Be Extra Impressive On The First Date
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While it’s fun to present a slightly better version of yourself on the first date — you might get dressed up, be extra chatty, and so on — it’s not a good idea to pretend to be someone you’re not, regardless of what anyone says.
“The first impression matters, but while you should behave well on your dates, you should also show off your true self,” Sonya Schwartz, a dating and relationship expert, tells Bustle. “Don’t say you like something you don’t just to make a good impression.” And don’t act in a way that feels natural.
“If things evolve into a relationship, it will be hard to explain why you lied at first,” she says. You want this person to see the real you, so that you can have a truthful relationship, but also know from the get-go if you’re truly compatible.
2Remember That Opposites Attract
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If you’ve heard the age-old advice that “opposites attract,” then you know it implies two people need to be very different in order to have a healthy relationship. But this can be a toxic mindset to have, if you take it too seriously.
“The problem with this advice is that you then focus on the wrong attributes,” Len Rubel, founder of Strategy for Dating, tells Bustle. “You focus on looking for someone who is different on the surface, not who they are at their core — and surface-level attraction won’t last.”
Compatibility, when it comes to core values, is everything. “Dating someone with completely opposite views and aspirations could be exciting at first but in the long-run, it [may] only lead to frustration and arguments,” Schwartz says. Of course, you can find happiness with someone who’s very different from you, but it’s definitely not a requirement.
3Always Play Hard To Get
Ashley Batz/Bustle
This is another piece of toxic dating advice that well-meaning friends dole out on the regular. But it definitely isn’t helpful.
As Schwartz says, many people who play hard to get find themselves losing confidence as the game goes on. Not to mention, this strategy has a tendency to backfire, as many people quickly lose interest when they don’t think someone cares.
What you should do instead, Schwartz says, “is show your interest and see what response you get.” If you’re both feelin’ it, let each other know and go from there.
4You Teach People How To Treat You
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Have you ever heard the old saying, “You teach people how to treat you”? This implies that you need to, well, teach someone how to be nice to you, polite, and so on by not allowing them to get away with rudeness and disrespect.
But in reality, with the right partner, experts say you shouldn’t have to “teach” them anything. “If you have to teach someone to be kind, considerate, loving, and respectful towards you then you’re with the wrong person,” dating expert Kevin Darné tells Bustle. “Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine. The goal is to find someone who already is the kind of person you want to be with.”
5Don’t Have Sex On The First Date
Ashley Batz/Bustle
We’ve all been told that it’s important to avoid having sex on the first date. Doing so, as many people say, not only ruins your date’s opinion of you, but also ruins your chances of ever seeing them again.
And yet, nothing could be further from the truth. “No one should have sex unless they want to,” Darné says. “Playing a calendar game with sex has never insured a lasting relationship.” So if you want to have a good time, and it feels right, go for it.
Also, bear in mind that if this person was going to be negatively impacted by hooking up on the first date, they weren’t someone you likely wanted to be with anyway.
“Having sex […] doesn’t convert nice [people] into […] jerks,” Darné says. “Odds are they were jerks to begin with […] The only agenda for having sex in a new relationship is to determine chemistry […] If you don’t feel like having sex then don’t. Let it be your choice.”
6Being In A Relationship Means Having “No Privacy”
Ashley Batz/Bustle
Many people are under the impression that being in a relationship means you have to give up all your privacy. But that’s just not true. You can date, and even be in a relationship, and still maintain healthy boundaries.
While partners do have more access to each other’s lives than the average person, it’s not a requirement for dating to be a complete open book. “No one is entitled to snoop through your personal items,” Darné says. “Trust should be one of the foundations of a relationship.” And starting off on the wrong foot, by snooping or being distrustful, just isn’t healthy.
7Dating Is A Numbers Game
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
If you’ve ever been told to get out there and date as many people as you can, feel free to ignore it. Despite what people say, dating isn’t a number games, Eric Resnick, a leading dating coach, tells Bustle. “When you take that approach to dating, you are setting a countdown timer and you have to find ‘the one’ before you get so fed up that you give up on looking.”
Instead, “try listening to your gut a little bit more,” he says. “You might not know if a potential date is [right for you,] but there’s a pretty good chance when you can tell that they aren’t.”
8You Need To Rebound To Recover From A Breakup
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Many people are quick to tell their friends that they need to “get back out there” in order to recover after a breakup. And while that advice works for some, it can be toxic for others.
If you aren’t ready to date, you might be “exposing yourself when you are in a vulnerable state,” David A. Songco, PsyD, CGP, a licensed clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. For many people, going out or having sex before they’ve recovered can be more painful than just staying home.
Also, it might confirm in your mind that you need another person in order to feel better, which just isn’t true. As Dr. Songco says, “If you are looking to others for validation, that is usually indicative that you have other, deeper things to work on before trying have a relationship.” So instead of rebounding, you may want to talk with a trusted family member, friend, or even reach out to a therapist.
9If You Wait Around, The Right Person Will Come Along
Ashley Batz/Bustle
Sadly, sitting at home or hoping you’ll meet someone new, without actually putting yourself out there, doesn’t always work. Sure, you might strike it lucky and meet a cool person on your way to work. But more often than not, dating takes effort.
As Bennett says, “The best way to make sure you meet the right person is to actually take the initiative in dating.” Join meet ups, try a dating app, go out with friends, and be open to new experiences — all of which will open up the chances of the right person coming along.
10You’ll Find Your Perfect Person
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
While it’s obviously fine to have high standards when it comes to dating, it’s not healthy to be on the lookout for a “perfect” person — as they simply don’t exist.
“If you’re expecting your date to be some impossible ideal, you’ll never be happy,” Bennett says. “Hold to your standards and core values, but also recognize that all people have flaws (including you) and that’s OK.”
11You Don’t Have To Change For Anyone
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
As mentioned above, it’s toxic to try to be someone you’re not. And yet, when you’re in the market to meet someone new, it can be just as toxic to keep doing the same thing while expecting different results.
It’s important to remain authentic and true to yourself but it never hurts to engage in some self-reflection, and find ways to be your best self in order to attract the type of people you deserve, Bennett says.
This might include going to therapy to learn how to let go of old baggage, talking with friends, or stepping outside your comfort zone. By focusing on self improvement — and ignoring some these super antiquated dating tips — you’ll be less likely to fall into toxic traps when it comes to relationships.
4 Of The Best Tips For Interviewing Success (That Double As Great Dating Advice)
Keep these tips in your back pocket.
You might not think finding love and looking for a job have a lot in common, but some of the most effective interview tips double as great dating advice.
The behaviors, choices, and communication are surprisingly similar and, more importantly, mostly in your hands. Instead of trying to convince someone to hire or like you, there are better ways to create a good match.
Though using interview tips for dating may sound sterile, they are simply ways to see and hear another person more clearly, as well to help others appreciate you more fully.
To do that effectively, your job is to be authentic rather than “sell” yourself. This way, an organization will choose to hire you or the guy will become interested in you for your true self ─ a long-term benefit to ensure accurate expectations and strengthen your own confidence.
So whether you want to land the job or meet a romantic partner, here are 4 interview tips that also make sound dating advice.
1. Expose your best self.
Open up about yourself using good judgment. That means answering questions in frank, focused ways, as well as asking some that will help you figure out if the connection with your potential employer or date is a good match.
Start your inquiry with “what” or “how.” Or, for something a little risky, try “I wonder…”
In a work interview, if you haven’t already determined this, ask the question, “What do you think are the most important skills for this work?”
The response will help you focus your answers to the interviewer’s questions and tell short stories of your past experience that showcase these skills. This will also help you prepare for behavioral interviewing that poses questions about how you handled particular situations.
On a first date, you can step out a bit more with, “I wonder what you value in another person.”
Asking this question exposes values, which may save you time figuring out if you’re compatible and like to do or know the same things. In contrast, typical explorations about similar likes and activities don’t show what’s under that surface or what’s truly important about the other person.
Demonstrating your confidence in communication and self-presentation will show you’re self-assured. That demonstrates a powerful characteristic potential work. It also contributes to your sex appeal for dating.
Since a big chunk of the message you send comes non-verbally, pay attention to your tone of voice, direct (yet warm) eye contact that avoids boring a hole into someone with an unremitting gaze and relaxed, calm body language. Use that awareness to read others accurately as well.
Smiling when appropriate will not only release your own endorphins and stress, but it also adds a pleasant lilt to your voice. (Give it a try!) What you say and how you say it adds to your charm, as well as credibility. But don’t force a smile if it isn’t genuine because people will notice that.
2. Tune into your emotions.
Despite what may sometimes amount to endless analysis about jobs and dates, emotions can often tell you the bottom line for action. They show what you really want, providing direction and making good choices when it comes to job opportunities and potential matches.
Positive emotions, such as delight and enjoyment, tell you that a good match is possible. Negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, or discomfort are warning signs to consider further, whether you’re interviewing for work or considering a relationship.
If you find yourself making a choice merely because the other person seems to want you, beware as well. It’s in your interest to take the “inter” in interviewing seriously. That emphasizes the importance of mutuality and being together in something.
Test and express your emotions by bringing them up in any situation. You could say, “I feel enthusiastic or engaged by…” Alternatively, register concern by mentioning, “I feel uncomfortable about…” Or, show doubt, “I hesitate about …. because…”
3. Do your homework.
Find out, within reason, as much as possible about the person you are meeting — whether an interviewer or possible date.
For the interviewing situation, also become familiar with the employment context online and through any connections you have and make. The same sources could be used to learn about a possible date.
By the same token, avoid coming to any rigid conclusions about the position or person until you have a chance to test assumptions in person. Otherwise, your prejudices may infiltrate your own self-presentation, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Though first impressions are important, stay open for additional information to avoid lazy labeling that does not do justice to the complexity of others.
4. Connect through empathy.
Putting yourself in another person’s shoes may make you feel somewhat vulnerable — as if you’re possibly losing focus on your own needs. But it’s an investment that helps foster trust in relationships.
(For a superb prescription for building trust and empathy, listen to this 15-minute TED Talk with Frances Frei of the Harvard Business School.)
Whether you’re talking to an interviewer or your date, encourage a deeper connection by paraphrasing or summarizing what they’ve said to confirm your understanding. Use accurate descriptive language about their emotions to show you get how they’re feeling, in addition to what they’re saying.
In an interview, you might mention something positive or interesting about the interviewer or commiserate about the challenges of seeing an endless parade of people who are hungry for jobs (with a rueful smile possibly).
On a date, it’s even more important to start building the trust that’s a foundation for a healthy relationship. If you’re not willing to take that time and risk, why should the other person? And if you see your date has no interest in mutual understanding, that tells you soon enough that it’s time to look into alternatives.
These interview tips — that double as effective dating advice — can help you avoid detours in both aspects of your life.
Before you make your investment in either, though, take a few minutes to define your goal or specifically what you’d like to accomplish. That will help focus your experience and contribute to a better result.
Ruth Schimel, PhD is a career and life management consultant and author of “Choose Courage: Step Into the Life You Want” and related handbooks, who writes widely about personal and professional development. Ruth consults with individual and organizational clients in the Washington DC area or by phone and email, encouraging them to access their own courage for fulfilling their dreams as they prepare for the future of work.
Sonam Ahuja and Jacqueline Fernandez share dating tips
Actors Jacqueline Fernandez and Sonam Kapoor Ahuja says it is important to stay true to one’s personality while dating.
The stars were speaking on the talk show, Feet Up with the Stars, hosted by celebrity stylist Anaita Shroff Adajania and streamed on Voot Originals.
Fernandez also said that she would like Kapoor Ahuja to be her Tinder swiping friend and Kapoor Ahuja nominated Fernandez as somebody who should be on Tinder.
“Be yourself, be comfortable in your skin. If you want to dress up, dress up for yourself not for the other person,” said Kapoor Ahuja in lieu of dating advice.
As for Fernandez, she said people are better off not listening to her dating tips.
But, if she was on Tinder, she would swipe right on guys who had creative and effortless pictures, and that gym and portfolio shots were a no no.
7 Tips For Using Dating Apps At A Small School With A Tiny Dating Pool
That age-old saying “There are always more fish in the sea” is honestly pretty comical when you’re trying to date on a small campus. Sure, there may be plenty of fish in the sea… but what happens when you’re stuck in an inland lake for anywhere from two to four years? Don’t panic. Take a look at the following tips for using dating apps at a small school for some advice. This body of water may be smaller than the ocean, but it can run deeper than you’d expect.
First of all, it’s OK to be frustrated with a smaller dating pool — and you’re not alone in that feeling. For instance, Mo, 21, says, “Small “women’s’ college equals queer drama like you’ve never seen it before. Dating is a hellscape. My advice is to just not.” So, if you’re feeling pretty bleak, you have company. But dating on a small campus, regardless of your sexuality, is definitely possible if you’re really interested in making the most of the dating opportunities available to you. Dating coach Meredith Golden offers some advice specific to small campuses that is sure to make the process, well, less of a hellscape.
1Be conscious of your behavior because you will probably see people again.
Golden’s main tip is “to have manners, as you will see people on campus and you don’t want it to be awkward. You might forget about blowing someone off as you were chatting with 10 other people, but they will most likely remember.” Normally in a bigger city or on a larger campus, you don’t really have to worry about not responding to someone’s message if the feeling isn’t there. This isn’t the case on a small campus.
Even though it takes more effort, being conscious of what you say and do comes in handy when you are way more likely to see people again. Of course you don’t owe anyone your time, but this could help future you in case you’re in a group project with a former dating app match. Golden also explained, “You don’t have to date or even meet everyone, but be kind in the exchanges. And definitely don’t ghost, as you’re going to see these matches around campus.”
2You’re more likely to match with your IRL crush.
Golden says that there’s actually a benefit to using dating apps on a smaller campus: You’re more likely to match with your crush. That’s right. Golden explains that it can be seriously scary to introduce yourself to a crush in person. There are so many factors at play when considering taking that step. Let’s say you have a crush on the person that sits next to you in history class or even worse, all the way across the room. On a smaller campus, the odds are in your favor that you will see them again on an app. When you do see them, you can introduce yourself without the added worries that come with meeting IRL. Chances are they’ll probably remember you.
3When you see someone in person, don’t be afraid to say hi!
One of the biggest fears is that some folks have when it comes to apps is what they would do if they saw a person IRL. That doesn’t often happen in bigger cities, but it is very likely to happen on a small campus.
Golden has really simple advice when it comes to this and that is to just say hello! She says, “You both obviously know who each other are as it’s a very small campus. Take a deep breath, smile, and say hello. You’ll be amazed by how well this will go!” You’ll never know what could happen if you don’t give it a try.
4Try different apps.
Not everyone uses all of the apps out there. If you’re queer and tired of seeing literally all of the same people all of the time, consider downloading apps that specifically serve queer folks, like Her or Zoe. Using different apps is a great way to see different people and you can figure out which one works best for you.
Make sure you don’t out someone by accident, though. If you’re using a queer-centric app or if have any dating app set to seeing multiple genders, remember that just because you see someone on an app does not mean they are publicly out. (For example, if you are a woman and tell your friends that you matched with Sarah on Tinder, everyone will know that Sarah’s interested in women.) It’s important that you respect others’ privacy when it comes to their sexuality, but again, that shouldn’t stop you from saying hi.
5Increase the distance and age ranges to reach more people.
By increasing your distance you can even reach people at campuses near you or people in the town that your college is in. This is honestly a life-saver when it comes to small campus dating. Just because you’re a student at one school doesn’t mean you’re limited to dating your fellow classmates.
6Consider paying for the premium version of your apps.
There’s no shame in paying for apps if it means it enhances your dating experience. Living on a small campus can be difficult and feel claustrophobic at times. This can be especially tricky if you are queer because dating circles can be notoriously small and hard to navigate. Tinder Gold gives you access to Tinder Passport where you can swipe all over the world, which can be helpful if you have an upcoming trip somewhere new or if you’re heading home for the summer. Tinder Gold has a feature called “Likes You” which shows you who has liked your profile, which can be helpful in navigating a smaller dating circle.
7Give it time and don’t pressure yourself.
If the small dating pool is really stressing you out, or you just went through a breakup and don’t want to see your ex’s face glow across your screen, maybe you’re not quite ready to get back out there. And that’s OK! You don’t have to be dating right now if thats stressing you out. Definitely take time for yourself and don’t feel like you have to be doing anything you don’t want to.
If you are on dating apps, though, try not to feel discouraged by the the size of the dating pool. When it comes down to it, dating apps are a tool that can help you meet people. So if you see someone cute on campus, but are too nervous to talk to them in person. You can rest assured that they might have already swiped right on you.
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