Relationships Talk

Do you dream of being rescued by a (figurative) knight in shining armour? Someone who swoops into your life and makes everything better? Don’t like your house? – here’s a new castle. Don’t like your wicked step-mother? – she’s dead now, killed by the dragon. Don’t want to sweep anymore floors with woodland creatures? – here’s a butler service. While the fantasy of being treated like a princess may be fun, in the long term it can result in serious relationship issues. The relationship stories and fables we hear and are exposed to as children can often inadvertently change our way of thinking; making us believe a partner will ride in and give us our ‘happily ever after’ ending. Psychologist and eharmony’s dating and relationship expert, Sharon Draper explains the commonplace, toxic myths that are negatively impacting our relationships with our partner and ourselves.

MYTH #1: Opposites always attract

We’ve all seen this in the movies: opposites meet and fall madly in love. While it may be natural to be initially attracted to people who are dramatically different than us because they may have abilities or qualities we don’t have ourselves, these qualities can also be what drive you apart. If you and your partner fundamentally misalign on things like energy levels, personal habits, extroversion, or your approach to finances, think deeply about how much you are willing to compromise to suit their lifestyle.

MYTH #2: Physical attraction = compatibility

Physical attraction is a key dimension of compatibility, but it is relatively low on the list in terms of the glue that keeps a couple together long-term. Despite this, in today’s world of superficial swipe-apps, physical attraction is often the initial or only gauge of whether to pursue a relationship. Don’t be afraid to consider physical attraction when making a love connection – it is important. But don’t make it the only thing you base a relationship on, or you could be setting yourself up for a shallow, dysfunctional partnership in the long-term.

MYTH #3: Conflict is just passion

No matter how compatible you are with your partner, no two honest people can agree all the time. How you handle these moments of conflict is of utmost importance. There’s a big difference between the occasional rough patch and having constant conflict and struggles. You shouldn’t have to convince your partner daily that being with you is the right decision, nor should you always feel like you’re in a never-ending battle to move forward. Disagreements may be minor or major, but if both partners are committed to resolving an issue together instead of battling one another, they will grow stronger.

MYTH #4: Having shared interests means you’re compatible

Have you ever looked at someone’s dating profile and said ‘no thanks’ because of the list of their hobbies that you have little interest in? This is one of the biggest dating mistakes you can make; having little affinity for the same interests has nothing to do with how compatible you are. eharmony’s research predicts long-term relationship success doesn’t rely on whether he likes golf or you like classical music. Instead, it’s focused on things like sociability, autonomy, curiosity, sexual passion and sense of humour.

For more information on dating, visit eharmony.com.au, where you can also find out more about its happiness-based matching system, or download the app available on iOS and Android.

Sharon is a highly credentialed psychologist, with a wealth of experience helping individuals navigate through the stress and anxieties of looking for a partner. Sharon has been devoting her expertise to empowering clients globally since 2008, and has been contributing to Australian media, since 2013.

For more relationship advice, take this compatibility test to find out if you and your date are really meant for each other. Plus, this is exactly how many dates you should go on before becoming exclusive.

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When you’re writing the profile…

Break it up: The structure of your profile is very important, Pompey says. “People have very quick attention spans, so break your profile into two to three sentence mini-paragraphs at most,” he says. Online daters tend to skim profiles for information at first and then go back to read the whole thing if they’re interested. So having short paragraphs — maybe one dedicated to your hobbies, one to your career, and one to where you want to travel — makes it easier to skim.

Be conversational: If you can write your profile almost as if you’re speaking directly to the people who are reading it, that will make it feel as if they’re really getting to know you, Pompey says.

Open with an attention grabber: “The beginning of the profile is your chance to instantly draw someone into who you are and what you’re all about,” Pompey says. So lead with something unique or interesting about you (bonus points if it’s funny).

Add “profile bait”: What Pompey calls “profile bait” is anything that makes it easier for the people reading your profile to think of an opening line when they message you. “So if I’ve been talking about traveling, I might say at the end of that sentence, ‘Where’s on your bucket list these days?’ and that baits the reader into starting the conversation,” he says.

Write with words of confidence: “A lot of people accidentally use language that makes them appear needy or a desperate or seem like they’re disgruntled,” Pompey says. For example, writing something like “I hope to meet someone who’s intelligent, ambitious, and fun” seems totally fine. But the word “hope” is passive. It’s better to write, “The perfect guy for me would be intelligent, fun…,” he says, because it’s more assertive. In general, be positive. List what you want in a partner and avoid self-deprecating jokes.

Nicole Andersson did something interesting for her beauty vlog, with Anne Curtis as her guest: the blindfolded makeup challenge. Basically the celebrities will both do each other’s full makeup blindfolded, using BLK products. “We’re gonna see kung kaya akong pagandahin nito.” Nicole said. “Anne, gandahan mo, because now that I’m single, kailangan ko na ng help mo.” She asked for something she could wear on a date night “Gusto ko yung pag lumabas ako sa Poblacion [mapapalingon] yung guys, like, ‘Sino yun’? I want like a head-turner look.” Anne (who didn’t have any makeup on and was wearing a large shirt but still managed to look gorgeous) on the other hand, wanted something she could wear while on set for showtime. Beyond the challenge results, there were plenty we’ve picked up in the video.

Anne is a very hands-on mom to her baby, BLK Cosmetics

Okay, we’re all aware Anne is an amazing girl boss, but this video revealed how hands-on she really is with the production of each and every one of her BLK products. We gotta say, it’s impressive how the challenge of being blindfolded didn’t seem as daunting to her because she knew everything by heart. Even Nicole said so. “Anne in fairness ah, nag practice ka ba kagabi?” She revealed that she chooses all the packaging of her products, so she could easily identify them even with her eyes closed–and even beyond that. Referring to the contour palette, she said, “Kabisado ko. Contour, highlighter, blush.” (Pointing to the respective palettes correctly, still with her eyes closed)

It also seems she’s involved with the whole production process, which doesn’t just stop once the product is released. For instance, with the BLK powder, “I really wanted it to be translucent. That’s where we had a problem because not all people like super light face powder,” she said. “So when we did this, it was super light and sheer, and then we listened to our consumers and they wanted more coverage so we had to redo it.”

She also revealed she tests them herself before launching. “There’s actually something coming out soon that [Robbie Pinera] has been trying on me. Something to look forward to next month.” We’ll keep an eye out for that.

On finding The One

Seeing as Anne already found her true love, Nicole asked her for some dating tips. Her advice? “First enjoy it. I’m not saying like go around and date random people. Just take your time choosing first. Really get to know the person before choosing the final one that you really decide on spending, you know. I can’t say the rest of your life with diba, parang too early. But you know, you see that person as a potential partner; to lead in that direction.” She added, “Don’t waste your time on someone that you [can’t see your life with]. Don’t settle.”

Nicole’s love life

“The only thing that’s complicated here is my love life.” Nicole said when Anne discussed BLK’s uncomplicated beauty philosophy. Nicole gave her friend credit during the video: “If I meet my husband tonight, I owe it all to you.” Anne already has a simple yet powerful speech to her wedding: “I got you, girl.”

Anne Curtis was way ahead of the contouring game

For Anne, contour is life. She said, “Kim K started that whole trend, but I’ve been doing it since the ’90s.”

Anne’s LOVES Koreans

It’s no secret she’s obsessed with Korea and their culture. But to what extent, she revealed in the video. When Nicole mentioned she’s never dated a Korean before, Anne said, “Kung di ako kinasal, maybe I would have [dated a Korean].” To which the beauty blogger responded, “Oh my gosh. Well Anne, you can’t have them all. Give chance to others.” Let’s hope Erwan doesn’t watch this.

Makeup hacks

Since this is technically a makeup blog, so we’ve picked up a lot of things, like:

1) Anne’s makeup artist, Robbie Pinera blends eyeshadow all the way to below the eyebrows.

2) Anne likes to put highlights above the cheek and a little bit on the chin, while Nicole likes to put highlight on the highest points of the face ’cause she that’s where the light hits. She shares her application techniques, too. “What I do is I start from the outside of your eye then I do a crescent moon tapos konti sa nose then konti sa forehead and chin.”

3) For a drunk blush look, “yung parang naarawan ka lang,” as Nicole put it, the technique is to apply two dots of tint on both cheeks, one on the chin, and one on the nose, and then blend. “Medyo pa-round para on the apples of your cheek and then sweep it across tapos medyo konti lang sa chin para natural and then we’ll set it with powder.”

4) On applying two eyeshadow colors, Nicole does it by applying the first one all over the lid, while the second on the inner corner of the eye, and then she blends. “I don’t pull because eye area is sensitive. So pat lang. And that way it’s still also very pigmented.”

5) To achieve fuller lashes, Nicole share this tip: “I go to the end of the lash and then vibrate my hand outward kasi that way, you’re separating the hairs of the lashes and then also it adds volume and it spreads the product evenly.”

Oh, and Nicole has this very handy life hack for Anne when she can’t get both brows right: “One side lang pakita mo [sa camera]. Kasi pag front, naco-compare.”

For this challenge, Anne won the round. Watch the video below and let us know if you agree.

Art by Marian Hukom

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Dear Christopher,

Ever since I went to a fetish club as a dare in my first week of university, I’ve wanted to try BDSM. But every boyfriend has run a mile when I’ve suggested it. I’m currently two months into a relationship with a guy I really, really like and I want to raise it without scaring him off. How do I broach the subject?

Leather Lover, 23, New Cross

Dear Leather Lover,

Well done you for exploring your sexuality and knowing what you want. Being sexually frustrated so early in a relationship is a big no-no. It will inevitably build resentment: being unfulfilled will make you a very unhappy bunny. I also have a love for leather, however it can be intimidating to others (why? I have no idea). I suggest introducing it into your daily wardrobe: a black leather pencil skirt will get his attention while whetting his appetite for what is to come. Compatibility and enjoying shared experiences is essential to a relationship. You are a strong woman: own your body and mind, be empowered by your sexual tastes and never falter from your natural desires. We all have to kiss a few frogs before we get our Prince Charming.

Dear Christopher,

I’m in a loving relationship with my husband, with three grown-up daughters whom I adore. But when it comes to sex, I’m afraid he’s just not interested any more. I’ve tried wearing shorter skirts and stockings; I even did the hoovering up in a bra and knickers but to no avail. What to do? 

Kim, 53, Wood Green

Dear Kim,

I feel for you, but hang on in there, you clearly love your husband very much. Put a halt to the desperate housewife peep show as this could be making the problem worse. I would advise talking to him, asking him to open up and share his feelings: he may well be going through the man-o-pause (yes, it is a recognised condition). I would also try a more subtle approach. I am a big fan of The Joy of Sex book: perhaps you could leave a copy of it on his bedside table as it never fails to get one in the mood. Failing that, many women find an intimate battery-operated device works for them. 

Christopher Kane AW18

Dear Christopher,

My friends tell me I’m attractive for my age with a trim figure, and I dress in a stylish way, keep my hair coloured and like to go out with friends for drinks and dancing. But, for the life of me, I cannot attract a decent man on Tinder. Please, please can you advise me on a fashionable, sexy look to suit my age (I’m 47) which will attract a good and kind man who likes a kiss and a cuddle. 

Denise, 47, Crouch End 

Dear Denise,

Believe it or not, there are thousands of people just like you in the UK facing the dilemmas of dating. I’m a big believer in looking good: how you dress is important as it tells the world what you are about. Have a look on my website: I have a stunning black velvet fitted lace dress (right) which is sexy and elegant. Ideally, Tinder isn’t the way to go for a long-term relationship. I’ve found that since I got my puppy, Bruce, I meet all walks of life in the park. Love will find you in the most unexpected places. Stay fabulous and please stop trying so hard: the ‘eau de desperation’ can be quite pungent. 

Christopher Kane AW18

Dear Christopher,

The #MeToo movement has left me nervous to approach, let alone flirt with, a woman in a bar. Who even does that any more? But as a recently separated straight man, I find the dating scene has changed in the past seven or so years I’ve been out of it. What’s even correct? What’s my opening line? I’ve never been one for cheesy chat-ups. ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ What’s allowed? What’s not? I’m petrified. 

Marc, 35, Tooting 

Dear Marc, 

This is a good start to thoughtful, successful dating. You are not alone: many men are freaking out about how to navigate modern dating etiquette. Some people like a cheesy joke, some people 

like the direct approach. As you’re a bit rusty, take it one step at a time to build your confidence. Practice makes perfect! Follow the three golden rules: 1. Be nothing less than a gentleman. 2. Be yourself 3. Keep your expectations reasonable. Everyone loves a compliment, but keep them clean. This dating malarkey can take a bit of time.