Relationships Talk

Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Thinkstock, Revere Senior High School, and State Archives of Florida, Florida Memory.

Daniel Mallory Ortberg is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat. 

Q. My new roommate loves serial killers: I’ve been living with my roommate, “Leanne,” for three weeks. I thought she was a hipster who put up pictures of old indie rock stars on her wall. Then my friend came to our dorm and told me the dudes in her pictures were serial killers: Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein. I freaked out and asked Leanne to take them down, but she refuses. She won’t explain why she put the pictures up, which also freaks me out.

I hate looking at pictures of these evil people and have been spending nights in my friends’ dorms. I have to wait to transfer rooms until there’s an opening. Leanne and I barely talk now. I’m not someone who enjoys horror films, and I get scared easily. I want to be comfortable in my room, and I’m not sure how to do that. Am I being immature for not getting over this?

A: It is very reasonable and not at all immature to say, “I don’t want pictures of serial killers all over my walls.” By no standard of the maturation process is it reasonable to say, “By such-and-such an age, you must feel extremely comfortable falling asleep under a poster of Ed Gein.” If your roommate isn’t willing to compromise, then I think it’s worth involving an RA or your university’s housing office. She can look at serial killers all she likes, just not on the walls you two have to share.

Q. So, so tired of dating: I’m a 29-year-old lesbian and I just went through another hard breakup. It was a nine-month relationship, and although it was the right thing to do, it sure stings. My relationship before that was seven months, and before that was another nine. I just don’t understand why my relationships can’t stick. I’m really happy with myself; I have a wonderful job, exceptionally amazing friends, a great apartment, wonderful family, and lots of hobbies—I just want a partner to share it with. I’m getting to an age where my friends get paired off and married, and I can’t even seem to get a relationship past a year. I’m aging out of the bar scene, and I really don’t like dating apps. What can I do? I want a partner and a family one day, and I can’t keep getting my heart broken.

A: I wish I had a guaranteed strategy for you that meant if you wanted to be partnered very badly, you could become so without risking another heartbreak, but I don’t. It is possible that you will never find a long-term partner; it’s possible that you will meet someone wonderful and have a terrible breakup three months or three years from now; any number of things may happen to you over the course of your romantic life, and if you want to try to find a lifelong partner, then potential heartbreak comes with the territory.

But since you can’t stand the thought of another breakup right now, don’t force yourself to start looking for your next partner right away. Take some time off and focus on all the great things in your life that you do enjoy rather than trying to rush into another relationship out of a fear that you’re falling behind the rest of your friends. (On a strictly practical level, dating apps are one of the most common ways to meet people nowadays, so I wouldn’t recommend totally ruling them out as a strategy, but consider going to more local events and meetups structured around interests and hobbies of yours, and look to meet women there.)

There’s nothing unusual about being 29 and coming off a string of medium-term relationships; it’s not necessarily a sign that you’re doing something terribly wrong or have unusually bad luck. That’s not to say that your feelings aren’t perfectly understandable, or that your desires and concerns aren’t important, simply that the situation you’ve described sounds a lot like what dating as a 29-year-old looks like.

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Q. MIL hell: My mother-in-law is the one people tell in jokes: She is a narcissistic, neurotic mess who manipulates everyone no matter the cost. My marriage has survived because we live 1,000 miles away and visit once every year or two. My ex–sister-in-law filed for divorce the second time our mother-in-law broke into her house, rearranged everything, and threw out sheets, clothes, and personal belongings because she deemed them “tacky.” No one in my family likes seeing her—our daughters have to be bribed to see “Gran.” A few years ago, she told my preteen that she looked “trashy” for wearing leggings and her older sister that she looked like a “lesbian” for wearing a sweatshirt.

My husband still feels the need to go and care for his parents despite agreeing that his mother is awful and difficult. My husband is up for a promotion that would require a move either closer or farther away from his parents. We are arguing over this. I am not willing to relocate to take care of my in-laws. I have no siblings, so care of my parents falls solely to me, and both our daughters live here. I am willing to pay someone to deal with my in-laws, but dealing with them myself constantly will end my marriage. I love my husband, but 20 years of marriage have proved he has a soft touch toward his mother. You don’t have to drive the road to see the rough terrain. What do I do?

A: I haven’t spent much time there myself, so I can’t make any personal assurances about how helpful you may find it, but Nicole Cliffe sometimes recommends checking out the JUSTNOMIL subreddit to get a sense of how other people have dealt with wildly unreasonable in-laws (and partners who are generally inclined to cave to them). It’s not clear what sort of care your mother-in-law needs at present; my guess is that were she ill, you’d have mentioned it in your letter because she’d be giving you all by-the-minute updates on her condition and making demands on that basis—so the care your husband seems to feel obliged to give her is likely mostly emotional. It’s good, I think, that you have clarity and a firm sense of what’s an uncrossable line for you: You will not move closer to your husband’s in-laws and you will not care for them personally, although you’re willing to contribute money to their eventual care, should that prove necessary. You have more than enough reason to set that as a limit, and it seems clear that this is also in your daughters’ best interests. I think you should stick to it and hope that your husband is willing to join you in setting reasonable boundaries. If he doesn’t, don’t get guilted or coerced into joining him as he continues to enmesh his life with his mother’s dramatic antics. Your mother-in-law’s behavior, and her children’s apparent reluctance to push back against it, has already contributed to the end of one marriage. Hopefully your husband can see that he has the opportunity not to repeat history. If he seems willing to try couples counseling, a few sessions may prove helpful as you figure out what he does and doesn’t owe to his parents, and how the two of you can talk about his feelings of pressure and guilt when it comes to them.

Q. Unfairly written up: My bra accidentally unhooked during a presentation at work. There were 200 people in the audience. I was written up for inappropriate behavior, even though I did not act intentionally. On top of that, I was wearing a business suit with a blouse and a vest, so I didn’t show any skin at all. Do I have any recourse against my employer?

A: If any readers have some useful experience or expertise, I’d welcome more detailed advice, but it seems silly, sexist, and unnecessarily punitive to write someone up for an embarrassing accident that they had no control over. I think it’s very much worth pushing back, and you should also seek legal advice—not as a first step, but to get a sense of what your options are before proceeding.

Q. When does not right now mean never?: I’m a member of a ski group, which accounts for most of my social activity in the fall and winter. There’s a really nice, attractive young woman in that same group who I’ve been interested in for a while. Last year, she made a joke which seemed to indicate that she was single and looking, which I took as a green flag to ask her out. Her response was that she was too busy at the time and had just come out of a long-term relationship, so she wasn’t interested in dating at the moment. On the one hand, I know that some guys react badly (or even violently) to rejection, so she may have been trying to signal disinterest while trying to keep things from turning ugly, and I don’t want to press the issue if that’s the case (although I’d be a little disappointed if she thought of me like that). On the other hand, I’m somewhat aware of what her life is like at the moment, and she does keep herself very busy, so she also may just have meant exactly what she said. With another ski season coming up, and a year and more having passed, would I be out of line to ask again? Or should I accept “No” as the subtextual answer, and if that wasn’t her intent, it’s her prerogative to do the asking, if her circumstances change?

A: My read on your last interaction was that she wanted to generally signal availability but was not specifically interested in going out with you and wanted to offer a slightly generic excuse rather than come out and say, “Yes, I want to go on a date with someone, but not you.” There are lots of reason to soften a “No” that don’t necessarily mean she assumes you’ll instantly turn unreasonable and violent if you hear it, so I don’t think you should waste your time assuming she thinks poorly of you. But given how her initial statement was, “I’m single and looking for a date,” followed immediately by, “I don’t have time to date now, and I’m not actually ready after my last relationship” as soon as you asked her out, I think she was offering you a polite “thanks, but no thanks.” As such, there’s no reason to think she’ll say yes a year later. I think you can safely assume that if that truly was her only reason for turning you down, she’ll let you know when and if things change.

Q. Re: So, so tired of dating: I’m straight and in my 50s, but was going through something very similar when I was in my 20s and 30s. Short relationships that ended painfully, coupled with a real desire to get a partner and start a family. I began to feel like the Little Match Girl, staring in the windows of all the other happy relationships around me. At some point I got into therapy to understand the patterns I was repeating, and also started to focus on my friends and my career. I resumed dating in my mid-30s when I realized that I was not going to meet a partner randomly, and not only did I join some dating services (the ancestor of dating apps), I got busier with activities and groups, and told everyone that I was actively dating. I was introduced to my husband by someone who didn’t know either of us very well—he had been on a blind date with someone I knew slightly through a comedy class. We have been together for 23 years and have a teenager.

A: Thank you so much for this. I don’t think that going to therapy, investing in other areas of one’s life, and spending time investigating one’s own romantic habits and possible blind spots is always a guaranteed way to find a partner, but I do think that it’s very much worth doing, and often improves the relationships one does have.

Q. Questions about Mom’s will: When my father’s parents died, my mom mentioned that her will was set up like theirs: If my siblings or I die before her, our share of anything we would have inherited is divided between that person’s children. Many years later, I am married, but my husband and I have decided kids aren’t likely in our future. It seems unfair that he wouldn’t get anything if I die first, but I also believe it’s my mom’s money and her right to decide what happens to it. Is there a way to bring up the will and ask if she would consider revising it for him to receive my share if I die first, or would that be presumptuous?

A: You can certainly ask your mother if she has any thoughts about the matter and what her preference would be if you were to die before your husband, but I think you should also be prepared to accept it if she says she would feel differently about supporting a grown man financially than she would young grandchildren. Since it seems like you do have a certain degree of acceptance around whatever her decision may be, I think it’s fine to raise the subject and ask what she thinks.

Q. Re: Unfairly written up: Did you stop and rehook your bra in front of everybody, excuse yourself from the room in order to do so, or carry on as if nothing had happened? Two out of three of those scenarios could very well be the reason you were written up.

A: That seems to be the main question in all of these responses—if the letter writer was simply written up for something that can’t be helped, then that’s out of line, but if anything in the write-up had to do with her public response, then that might be grounds for a conversation about how to deal with embarrassing and unexpected clothing mishaps at work.

Q. Tipping: When my girlfriend and I occasionally spend time with two of her friends who are a couple, we usually end up going out to eat. On many of these past occasions I have noticed that this couple will leave fairly small tips, 10 percent or sometimes less. Once, after offering to pay, they left zero tip. (The service was neglectful.) Personally, I almost always tip 20 percent at restaurants as I can afford it, and know from acquaintances how important tips can be to servers. On one occasion when splitting the bill, one of the couple saw the amount I left for tip and remarked they thought it was “a lot.” I don’t know the details of this couple’s financial situation, and I know that in theory there’s no set amount you have to tip, but I can’t help feeling guilty whenever this happens. My girlfriend agrees with me. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with this couple, but secretly worry that after each time we have dinner with them we add another name to a list of establishments we are blacklisted from for poor tipping. Is this actually something worth fretting over, or do I need to let this go and just focus on enjoying our double dates?

A: I’d continue tipping 20 percent, and suggest going to more movies or out for drinks.

Q. Re: So, so tired of dating: Perhaps the real issue is not that her relationships are ending too quickly, but that they are not ending quickly enough. It’s worth considering whether there were indications after a month or so that her last few relationships did not have staying power, and whether she stuck with them because of the overpowering desire to have a lifelong partner. There’s no shame in having short relationships. I remember going through something very similar when I was 29. There was something about turning 30 and not having had a relationship longer than a year that made me feel like something was wrong with me. I went to therapy and did get some good advice, but there’s also something to be said for patience. I did eventually find someone I’ve been with for years and wish I could go back and tell my younger self, “Chill out, already! You’ll get what you want, you just may not get it right this second. Take this time to make yourself into a better partner. It’s worth the work, and it’s worth the wait.”

A: This is a helpful reminder—if a relationship isn’t working out, then ending it at seven, or nine, or however many months is actually a good thing. Simply having a string of relationships that each last several years isn’t necessarily something you have to do in order to be prepared for a lifelong relationship. If those relationships ended because you two were incompatible, you weren’t being treated well, or you realized you wanted something else, then that’s a good outcome, even if it didn’t feel good at the time. And even if you don’t get what you want, the pain of being in a bad relationship is often much worse than the pain of being single.

Daniel Mallory Ortberg: Thanks, everyone. See you next week!

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on his Facebook page!

Vintage Dear Prudence

Recently my 23-year-old nephew asked if we could talk man to man. He told me he was marrying his college girlfriend. He said that if my wife ever treated her as badly as she has treated his mother and his other aunt, he would not be silent about it as my brothers have been. When I replied with shock, he ran down a list of statements, actions, and other offenses my wife has committed that he has witnessed over the past 15 years. My wife has gossiped to the church leadership about my brothers and sisters-in-law, losing them positions they should have had. She ruined family events with childish demands and outbursts when I was not in the room. He suggested failures in my career could be because of her. He ended by saying his mother and aunt have never once said anything demeaning about my wife in front of him or anyone. He told of a time when he was in high school and a lady from church confronted his mother about a lie my wife had spread that the church lady believed. I have been completely unaware of any of this.

I talked to our pastor, my boss, and my brothers. All have told me stories that made me sick to my stomach, about how she has flirted with them when I am not around, and the horrible things my wife has done to other women. They all have assumed I knew all about this and have been allowing it to continue. After we talked, our pastor agreed to talk to the other leadership and correct the lies that have tainted my sisters-in-law. My sisters-in-law are caring, compassionate, never judge, and put family above all else. I feel like trash having exposed them to 15 years of torture, and for believing for even one second some of the things my wife has said about them. While I am sick to my stomach and worry that my own children may see this behavior and copy it, I am torn about what do to. Our pastor feels that I should address the congregation and ask forgiveness—our whole family attends the same church. He then wants me and my wife to enter counseling to repair our relationship so we can grow and she maybe can change. I want to grab my kids, hit the door, file for divorce, and then begin repairing the relationship with my family. What do you think?

And find even more letters in the Dear Prudie archive.

You may have heard the saying, without risk, there is no reward. That’s especially true for relationships. If you’re willing to take some very essential risks early on in your relationship, experts say, your partner just might be “The One.”

“The reality is, many people don’t take risks,” Chelsea Leigh Trescott, breakup coach and podcast host of Thank You Heartbreak tells Bustle. Some tend to feel like their relationship is “too fragile” or isn’t special enough yet to engage in a deeper way or put in more of an effort.

Just think of the types of dating advice that gets thrown around a lot. For instance, first dates should be kept light. Don’t talk about “taboo” topics too soon. Keep your options open and don’t seem too hung up on one person unless it becomes exclusive. But as a result, we end up offering “the bare minimum while internally nurturing the fantasy that one day this relationship will be more than it currently is,” Trescott says.

But love doesn’t always work that way. You can’t get to a place of closeness by waiting around and giving your partner the bare minimum. “You have to work your way toward the day where your relationships are deeper and rawer and more allowing,” she says. “The way you get yourself there is by risking yourself a little bit more.”

Taking risks mean getting out of your comfort zone. Some people you’re with will make it easier more than others. So if you’re able to take the following risks early on in your relationship, your partner just might be “The One.”

When a woman immigrated to the US to get her college degree, she had no idea how difficult dating in a foreign land would be for her. She had a noticeable accent and didn’t understand dating etiquette that most Americans took for granted. She wound up in a relationship that was going nowhere, yet it was hard for her to let go and move forward.

The woman knew she needed dating and relationship advice, so she hired Annie Gleason as her dating coach. Annie specializes in working with singles over the age of 40. She taught the middle-aged woman, who had never been married, how to date with confidence and attract relationship-ready men.

After working with Annie, the woman got her footing, started online dating, and met a widower who measured up to her expectations. They began dating and got into a committed relationship. The woman recently got in touch with Annie to announce her engagement.

Annie said that hearing about her client’s upcoming wedding made her beam with pride for days. Such success stories remind her of why she got into the dating industry in the first place. Her mission is to have a lasting impact on singles and give them the advice they need to break their negative patterns and attain the relationship of their dreams.

Annie’s message resonates with a diverse clientele — she told us that a third of her clients are from other countries — and she often adapts her advice to suit her client’s individual needs. Whether she’s helping a single woman gain self-confidence or advising a foreign-born man how to adapt to American dating culture, Annie breaks down the essential dynamics of attraction, romance, and love, and then offers concrete solutions to get a love life.

“I’m good at cultural translation because I’m from England,” she said. “I can translate American dating in the 20th century to someone from another country.”

You can get Annie’s advice every week by subscribing to her Free Dating Tips Newsletter, which dispenses instructive videos and articles on a regular basis.

Don’t Let Your Anxiety Control Your Actions

We all feel insecure in a relationship every now and then. That’s natural. But acting on those fears and anxieties isn’t the best way to build trust, intimacy, and respect with someone you like. Annie said singles can overreact to an ignored text, for instance, and create a story in their minds that has no grounding in reality.

“You worry more about what might be going on rather than what’s actually going on,” she said. “And then you act prematurely and create more problems.”

Annie said she has often seen her clients shoot themselves in the foot by sending a why-haven’t-you-contacted-me text or call that makes them appear overly clingy or insecure.

A love interest can fail to respond for a number of reasons, and only one of them is because they’re ghosting. That person may be unsure about his or her feelings and want to take some time to think it over. In that situation, one accusatory text could push that waffling person over the edge.

Or, it’s possible that the reason someone isn’t responsive is simply because he or she is busy with work or family, and pestering him or her during a hectic time isn’t going to endear you to that person.

Annie recommends taking a breath, stepping back, and practicing patience whenever you feel worried that a love interest is neglecting you. She said that waiting to see what happens is often the wiser dating strategy because it keeps you from acting out of fear, hurt, or desperation.

“A lot of the times, waiting two or three days will give you the answers you need,” she said. “You have to give them time to sort it out for themselves.”

Create Good, Respectful Boundaries With a Partner

The #MeToo movement has had a tremendous impact on the workplace, particularly in Hollywood, by empowering women to speak out and combat sexual harassment. Now it’s having a ripple effect on the dating scene as well.

Dating in a Post-#MeToo environment can be confusing for men and women who are no longer sure what the rules and roles are. Men may worry about appearing too aggressive, while women feel unsure how to take the lead in a relationship. They may not know how to bridge the divide and voice their needs in healthy and appropriate ways.

“One of Annie’s strengths is she tells you what’s going on on the other side of a date.” — Paul B. in a Yelp review

In response to these growing concerns, Annie has begun dedicating herself to addressing how to date and adapt to changing gender dynamics.

Annie said she has focused on teaching women how to encourage men and teaching men how to behave responsibly so neither feels threatened, disrespected, or unsafe.

“Creating good boundaries around sex is one of the most important things,” she said. “You have to figure out what works for you.”

Give Yourself Time to Mourn & Detox After a Breakup

When you fall for someone, chemicals race through you and make you feel on top of the world. You can get a natural high from the endorphins, adrenaline, norepinephrine, and other chemicals flooding your brain. You can’t get enough. That significant other becomes like a drug dealer who helps you experience euphoric feelings and sensations.

It’s easy to become addicted to that person and those feelings. And that can make breaking up an extremely painful experience. According to Annie, some singles can experience symptoms similar to withdrawal when going through a breakup.

“The first 21 days are always the worst,” she said. “A lot of people want to stay in touch with that person, so they send a text, and now they’re back to being addicted. It’s only extending their pain.”

Annie advises her clients to cease contact with an ex after a breakup. No lingering messages. No social media stalking. Cold turkey. That distance can give you a chance to cope and move forward while giving your partner a chance to realize he or she misses you. Maybe giving each other some space will make you both realize you want to get back together, or maybe you’ll come to see that you’re better off apart. Either way, taking care of yourself and weaning yourself off your dependency to your ex can only be a good thing.

To help clients get closure, Annie encourages her clients to get out five sheets of paper and write down five things — the first is what they loved about their ex, then what they admired, then what they liked, then what they could do without, and, finally, what didn’t work in the relationship. These five lists can help singles gain clarity on what they want and need from a relationship. It can be healing for them to reflect on the past and analyze what went wrong.

Annie’s guidance can help singles overcome unhealthy addictions to an ex, mourn a dead relationship, and move forward without sadness or regret. “Love has a kind of pull on people,” the dating coach said, “because it’s something we really need, and it’s so hard to lose it.”

Annie Gleason Encourages Daters to Think Things Through

The search for love is universal. People of all ages and from all cultures want to find that connection and happiness in their lives, but they may struggle with how to get there. Fortunately, dating coach Annie Gleason can provide valuable guidelines to help singles from all walks of life navigate common dating and relationship obstacles. She equips her clients to rid themselves of false beliefs and tackle dating with a positive mindset. This is increasingly important as dating becomes more complicated and singles become disconnected from one another.

“We’re living in a crazy and unpredictable world right now,” she said. “Dating is getting more broken, and fewer people are willing to be vulnerable — and that means fewer people are finding love.”

Annie’s steadfast support energizes singles navigating this potentially frustrating and demoralizing dating environment. In her private coaching practice, she offers rational and realistic dating advice to prepare singles for healthy and fruitful relationships.

“I enjoy helping people find love,” she said, “because that’s the thing that’ll save the world.”

The last time K-pop boy group GOT7 appeared on SBS’ ‘Running Man’ was in 2016, that is if Jackson’s appearance on the Chinese version of the variety show is not taken into account. Fans of the idol group needn’t worry as GOT7 will appear on ‘Running Man’ once again.

As noted by website Soompi, on September 4, a post was made on SBS’s instagram page for ‘Running Man’ with the caption, “Yes, this is real life! It’s really GOT7! Guess what they did with ‘Running Man’?”

The full group will be appearing on the ‘Running Man’ show after almost two years. Their first appearance on the variety programme was in November of 2016. As mentioned above, GOT7 member Jackson appeared as a guest on ‘Keep Running’ or ‘Hurry Up Brother,’ the Chinese version of ‘Running Man.’

While ‘Running Man’ began in 2010, ‘Keep Running’ started in 2014. Six episodes have aired of the Chinese variety show to date.

GOT7, who will be releasing their third full album titled, ‘Present: You’ on September 17, will also be appearing on JTBC’s ‘Idol Room’ for its September 18 episode. This will be their first appearance on the show. As noted by Soompi, this will be a reunion of GOT7’s Jackson, Big Byung’s Wang Kong and Big Byung creators Jung Hyung-don and Defconn.

As for ‘Running Man,’ in the latest episode to air, Lee Kwang-soo was forced to reveal some hilarious dating fails from his past. In episode 548, which aired on September 2, the members played a game of truth or dare. Kwang-soo chose truth but instantly regretted upon realising that the cast wanted him to talk about some embarrassing dating experiences from the past.

One such experience occurred due to Yoo Jae-suk’s advice. “I went to Yoo Jae-suk at night for some advice about a girl. [I said at the time,] ‘I think she has feelings for me and I currently like her as well.’ I went in front of his house and the two of us talked in the car,” Lee Kwang-soo said.

The ‘Running Man’ member added, “Then, Yoo Jae-suk said, ‘Kwang-soo, if you don’t confess your feelings right now, you may lose her.’ The next day, [I sent her a text message saying,] ‘I think I like you. Do you want to try dating?’ She replied, ‘Kwang-soo, I think you’re misunderstanding something. We don’t have that kind of relationship. We’re colleagues.'”

The advice to ‘seize the moment’ is a cliche. However, suffice to say it does not always work out. Lee Kwang-soo is famous for being the unlucky member in ‘Running Man‘ and in this instance, it was no different, sadly.

Obviously, Kwang-soo felt betrayed at the time. “This guy ruined my precious relationship. When I think back to that even now…,” he said pointing at Yoo Jae-suk.

Lee Kwang-soo also mistakenly revealed how a woman he was involved in a casual fling with once, was involved in a dating rumour at the same time. He was responding to a question from the ‘Running Man’ staff on the number of times he was rejected after confessing his feelings. Hilariously though, Yoo Jae-suk told him, “That’s not the one,” after the other members had their fill of laughter.

The next episode of ‘Running Man’ airs on September 9 at 4.50 p.m. KST. Watch the clip below.