Relationships Talk

Online dating is now one of the primary ways people meet partners, and researchers can use data from dating apps to observe and quantify romantic attraction and pursuit. In other words, all of those terrible online messages and first dates are being donated to science.

A study out Wednesday in the journal Science Advances described “a hierarchy of desirability” in the messaging tactics of online daters. It also found that both men and women messaged potential partners who were on average 25 percent more attractive than they were.

The study analyzed heterosexual dating markets in an unnamed “popular, free online dating service” in four major U.S. cities: Boston, Chicago, New York and Seattle. The number of users totaled in the hundreds of thousands. User data was anonymous and did not include personal details or message content. Scientists looked at age, ethnicity and education of the users, and they quantified the messages exchanged through the service. Desirability was defined by the number of messages someone received as well as the desirability of the people sending those messages.

The study included only heterosexual users to simplify the analyses, said Elizabeth Bruch, lead author of the study and a sociologist at the University of Michigan. But, Bruch said, the research methods could be used for other groups.

Some previous studies have shown that ethnicity has an effect on desirability, but others have shown that it does not matter. In this study, white men and Asian women ranked highest for desirability, measured by the messaging metrics, and men and women contacted potential partners who were on average 25 percent more desirable than they were.

“What would it mean scientifically for someone to be ‘out of your league?’ ” Bruch said. This question, along with many others about mate choice, are now answerable, she said. “There are so many folk theories about dating, and what are the rules of dating, and the strategies that people have,” said Bruch. “It hit us like, oh my God, we can see if this is actually working. People in dating have all these strategies, like you don’t call at 10 p.m. on Friday night, but we don’t know if that actually matters. These things are knowable. They’re not just things you can speculate about with your friends.”

The scientists measured the number of words per initial message and the message response rate. Men wrote more first messages than women did, and women were less likely to respond to a message. Men and women also wrote longer messages to potential dates who were more desirable, the study said. The number of words in a message, however, did not correlate to response, even when controlled for the desirability gap. In other words, a one-word message (let’s say, “hiiiii”) was just as likely to get a response as a long, agonized line of Pablo Neruda poetry (I want / To do with you what spring does with a cherry tree”). This raises the obvious, if controversial question: Is it better to just say, “Hey”?

“It seems like ‘hey’ is the way to go,” Bruch said with a laugh. In terms of a cost-benefit analysis, the time and energy put into that first message may be wasted, but she pointed out that, because the researchers did not have access to the content of the messages, only the number of words, “we know nothing of the wittiness of the messages.” After a pause, she continued: “I’m not a fan of the ‘hey’ message.”

There was one exception to this. Men in Seattle who wrote longer messages had a higher chance of getting a reply. The study noted that Seattle’s dating climate is “unfavorable” for men, with as many as two men per woman, depending on the population. If you are seeking a verbally prolific heterosexual man and great dating odds, you may want to put Seattle on your list.

A few other findings from the study: “Older women are less desirable, while older men are more so,” the authors found. “Postgraduate education is associated with decreased desirability among women.” Women’s desirability peaked at the youngest age possible to join the dating app — 18 — and declined until age 60. Men’s desirability increased until 50. It is important to note, particularly for everyone who’s not an 18-year-old woman or a middle-aged white man, that the study results were based on averages, and there is a wide range in what people are looking for in a date.

[No one tells you life as a 40-year-old single woman could be this good]

Desirable people got more and longer messages overall. “Even though the probability of getting a response drops with a desirability gap, the response rate is still quite a bit above zero,” Bruch said — a cautiously optimistic argument for reaching out to those out-of-reach hotties.

One outlier in the data, described as a “30-year-old woman living in New York,” the scientists nicknamed their “movie star.” She received 1,500 messages, “equivalent to one message every 30 minutes, day and night, for the entire month” of the observing period, the study stated. The study did not state how this woman’s life may have been affected by hourly “Hey” messages.

“What can be tricky about studying attraction is that so many things are subjective,” said Lucy Hunt, a social psychologist at Purdue University who was not involved in the study. Online dating shows us who is available, but Hunt warned against expecting it to do more than that. You have to meet people face to face, she said.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute who was not involved in the study, pointed out that these are not really dating apps. They’re “introducing apps.”

“The only real algorithm is your own brain. Where you meet him [or her] doesn’t matter. On a park bench, online” or other places. The app can set you up with someone who might seem perfect, but traits like humor or trustworthiness are hard to measure online, Fisher said.

Fisher, who is also the chief scientist at Match.com, had several pieces of specific advice for online dating, based on that company’s user research. Most people do not appreciate their dates looking at their phones. We’re visual animals, she said, so picture choice is important (she recommends uploading six photos). But perhaps the most helpful advice was, “if what you’re doing isn’t working, change your strategy.”

As for me, I am moving to Seattle.

Read more:

Does my sweaty T-shirt turn you on? At a pheromone party, singles try to match using only their noses.

Cosmo’s former editor wants you to treat your love life like it’s a diet

Yes, you can leave a first date after 20 minutes. Here’s how.

Out of all of the Bachelors (there have been 22 so far), Sean Lowe is the only one who actually stayed married to the “winner” of his season, Catherine (Giudici) Lowe. So, wouldn’t he be fans’ top choice for dating advice from the franchise? Sean Lowe created a dating app that allows your friends to help you out. Unfortunately, he’s not personally available to dole out dating wisdom to his fans or recommend some viable candidates to every single person, but this new app does just that.

According to a press release, the app called Vouch “enlists your friends to help you find your own bachelor or bachelorette.” That’s such a simple, yet brilliant concept. Who’s more trustworthy to vet prospective date than a close friend? Single people can sign up for the Vouch app, and then they invite their family and friends to join them as “Vouchers” to build up their profiles, approve matches, and as the name suggests, “vouch” for them. The press release makes a very valid point:

“You’re already showing your dating apps to your friends, so why not let all of them, even married ones like Sean and Catherine, get in on the fun?”

If people are going to show their friends screenshots of their matches and conversations anyway, why not just get the friends involved right from the jump?

Now that the app is live, the former Bachelor star is promoting it, of course. Anyone who follows Sean on social media knows how funny he is, so a hilarious commercial is just what his followers expected. Who wouldn’t want to join after watching this?

Sean pokes fun of himself as the Bachelor lead during the ad, saying, “I didn’t just get by on charm. I had lots of friends rooting for me.” He also said, “Unless 26 random women are delivered to your rented mansion, dating can be hard and lonely, but it doesn’t have to be so isolating. Now you can get your friends involved.”

He even alluded to his unforgettable hometown date during Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette when he pranked her by pretending he still lived at home and had a bedroom full of stuffed animals. During the ad, he joked about not having skeletons in his closet and bunch of teddy bears tumbled down when he opened it. Such a great throwback reference.

Aside from the on point (and humorous) Bachelor references, Sean raises some key points in the commercial. He asks, “Your friends know you best. They help you choose your hair color or choose your Fantasy lineup, but what about your love life?” Now you can get their friendly input in the romance department too.

He even pointed out the flaws in the other dating apps out there: “Other apps only give you a picture, a name, and an age. Are you picking a partner or a bottle of wine? You need context.” So. True. Context truly is essential to determining potential matches.

The Vouch app just seems like a solid idea for many reasons. Why not put trust into close family, friends, and the one Bachelor lead who’s actually married to (and has two adorable children with) the woman he gave the final rose to? That just sounds like the ideal formula for a lasting relationship.

If you like shopping for hours on end, online dating may be perfect for you. You can spend days and weeks perusing profiles, exchanging emails, and dreaming of meeting Mr. Virtual Big. But if you’re a woman who takes a more wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am approach to shopping for a man, you may require a few tips that will help you expedite the cyber dating process. After all, the point is to sign up, meet someone, and get off (the site, that is). After the jump, some advice to help you find your perfect match.

1. Match.com is a meat market. Just say no. Most dudes on there are pervs. If you want to wade through 100 emails and winks a day from pervs to get one non-perv, by all means, be our guest. Just remember you’re paying for that luxury. Find another site that’s more relationship-oriented, if that’s what you’re looking for.

2. Approach date shopping like book editors pick books. Book editors are deluged by manuscripts from agents who are trying to get their authors published. The way editors deal with this onslaught is by looking for a reason to reject each manuscript. That way, they only take the best. Harsh? Yes. Kind? No. Time waster it is not.

3. Most guys will reveal their real selves within three to five emails. Honestly, most guys aren’t a match for you, and your job is to figure out which ones are and which ones aren’t as efficiently as possible. After you’ve avoided, blocked, and ignored the obvious nos, see if the chosen crop of prospective candidates can get through three to five email exchanges with you without killing you with boredom, offering to have sex with you, or telling you about their recent term at the insane asylum.

4. Don’t go out with dudes you’re not that into. There’s a group of women out there who make it hard for the rest, because they go out with guys they’re not that interested in, they string those guys along, and they make guys feel like all women are playing games. Would you want to go out on a date with a guy who’s not that into you because he was bored or didn’t want to hurt your feelings? We think not.

5. Remember what matters. Don’t go out with a living Mr. Potato Head, and if tow truck drivers don’t float your boat, by all means, pass, but remember what is important here. Heck, make a list. If looks, income, and body type are at the top of your list, well, bully for you, but you might want to reassess your priorities. What matters in the long run, or, better yet, reality? Intelligence, kindness, and emotional generosity. Find those, and you’ve picked a winner.

6. Don’t engage in a marathon courtship. If he’s survived the emails test and lives within 100 miles, go out with the guy within a week. Email, dating profiles, and, God forbid, chat are nothing compared to what you’ll learn IRL. It’s better to know for sure one way or another than build up a set of unrealistic expectations that neither of you can fulfill.

7. Be careful. There are some real weirdos out there. And liars. And scammers. Find out what his full name is and Google the heck out of him. Meet him in a public place, let someone know who you’re going out with and check in with your point person mid-date, and do not get wasted. Stranger danger happens! You don’t want to wish you’d looked out for yourself better in hindsight, when it’s too late.

8. Get happy. Nobody wants to hear about how you hate your new haircut, you can’t stand your job, and you’re totally lonely. These things may be true, but try and save them for a later date. I mean, would you want to go out with a guy who was negative about his life, who he is, and the world in general? Dating is supposed to be fun. If your life is a Hollywood movie, wouldn’t you want it to have a happy ending?

9. Know what you’re really after. If you just got out of a relationship, and you’re all hurt and wounded, so you tell yourself, “I don’t really want to be with anyone right now,” even though you really do, you need to get your facts straight with yourself. If you tell your friends, “I don’t care, I just want to have a one-night stand!” but you feel crappy after you do, you’re kidding yourself. Meditate on what you really want, and it may manifest right in front of you.

10. There’s nothing wrong with being picky. Girlfriends telling you that your standards are too high? Your mother advising you that you should just settle? Your boss wants to set you up with the guy who operates the elevator? Ignore them. When you see what you want, you’ll know it. Lowering the bar, going on pointless dates, and doubting yourself will only prolong the time it takes for you to meet The One. Then, you can get the hell off that dating site.

Original by: Susannah Breslin

We thank our lucky stars every day that Rihanna descended from her godly palace in the skies to bless us lesser beings. The Wild Thoughts singer  recently dropped some nuggets of wisdom for those of us trapped in a dating spiral and it’s valuable advice we’re definitely going to be taking to heart.

Beyond her wig-snatching British Vogue cover shoot for their upcoming September fashion issue, Rihanna also sat down for a chat with their editor-in-chief Edward Enninful to talk about everything from embracing your thicc-ness (‘you want to have a butt, then you have a gut’) to finding the perfect person.

She said, ‘I think a lot of people meet people and then they’re dating the idea of what the person could become, and that person never shows up and then they’re just mad disappointed.’

If you’re sitting around waiting for your shy hipster partner to magically transform into an extroverted prep, you might want to rethink a few things rather than trying to cultivate them like lettuce. While there’s nothing wrong with having standards, people aren’t projects and if somebody’s trying to mould you into a different person then you probably shouldn’t be dating each other.

Rihanna advised, ‘A person can always get better, they can always get worse, but you’ve got to be fine with what you met them as.’

To be honest, they’re words those of us in the dating pool definitely need to hear. With the string of dating apps and recent trends like ghosting, orbiting and stashing on the rise, it’s super easy to feel like you aren’t good enough for half the people in your radius – or sometimes be a little too judgmental of those you’re swiping across.

It’s no surprise that RiRi laid down the law, as she has always been completely and unapologetically herself whether she’s dominating the Met Gala’s best dressed list with her bold choices or calling out Snapchat for some truly heinous advertising.

If we all lived as authentically as Rihanna, the world would probably be a better place TBH.

(It would probably be a hell of a lot more stylish too.)

Via Marie Claire UK