John Aiken is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs a private practice in Sydney and exclusive couples retreats.
Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships.
If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.
Dear John,
I’m a very extroverted person who loves to be with people. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is an introvert who needs alone time to recharge. Because of this, it can sometimes feel a bit upsetting when he chooses to spend time alone instead of with me. I know it’s just because we are different people, but I can’t help but feel a little off about it. We already have really busy schedules so any potential time feels precious.
Any advice on how to handle this?
JOHN: In short, you’re going to need to suck it up. Everyone comes with a package. For instance, some people are workaholics, some are divorced with kids, some have overinvolved mothers, some have chronic back pain, and some may travel a lot for their business. In your case, you have a guy who happens to be quiet and introverted. He enjoys his own company and isn’t into small talk. If you really want this to work, then you’re going to need to embrace this.
I often hear disgruntled people tell me that they’re angry because their partner won’t change. They admit they knew they were different going into the relationship, but thought they could be ‘trained’. When this doesn’t happen, all hell breaks loose. With your relationship, you’re struggling with the fact that he’s not like you and that there’s no change in sight.
‘I love being around other people. My partner doesn’t.’ (Netflix)
The fact is, for a relationship to work there needs to be a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness. In your case, you like more one-on-one time with your partner, whereas he prefers doing his own thing. You like to socialise and he doesn’t. You’re not going to change this. Instead, you need to embrace it and look for ways to enjoy the difference rather than to wish it could be different.
My advice here is to let him have his down time in his cave to re-charge his batteries. After all, he’s going to get it whether you like it or not. While he’s doing this, spread your wings and socialise with your family and friends, and pursue your hobbies and interests. Then, when he’s ready to come out and connect, schedule in some time with him to do this. That way he gets his ‘man time’ and you get your ‘together time’. It might not be as much as you want, but at least you can stay busy during his downtime, and when you are together, he will be open, present and happy to engage with you.
Dear John,
I have been struggling in my relationships for several years. My partner has deep anger and simply doesn’t get along with anyone. I resent him for pushing away my eldest children, I no longer have friends, and my family don’t like him.
We have two children, aged 5 and 3, and our eldest is autistic. My partner clashes with him terribly – they both make each other very anxious, and all the years of therapy comes undone within five minutes. I feel entrapped because he holds the key financially and I raise the children. He doesn’t withhold money but knows I can’t survive without his wage. I feel lost and like I’m a fraction of the person I used to be emotionally.
The first thing I want to say to you is how proud I am of all your efforts so far. Clearly this has been a major problem in your relationship and you’ve made every effort to reach out for help. You’ve been proactive and sought professional advice on how to deal with his anger and prickly social style. Well done!
WATCH: Fellow MAFS expert Mel Schilling explains the difference between healthy and unhealthy fighting. (Post continues.)
Unfortunately, it appears this hasn’t worked. Throughout the process, you’ve lost your friends, your family have stepped away, you’re losing touch with your eldest son and your own self-esteem and confidence have also disappeared. So it’s time to shake things up. If you want different you’ve got to do different, and that means something has to give.
At present I’m not sure how problematic his angry behaviour really is, and how safe you are as a family? So I would go to your GP immediately and tell them about your situation. Explain in detail what behaviour is happening and the impact it’s having on you all. From there, they should be able to assess the best next steps for you all, and if you need counselling – then it’s time to try someone new with a different approach. It could be that you’re in real need of a family therapist rather than a couple’s therapist, so ask your GP about this. By going to them, you’re gaining their support and expertise, but you’re also creating an opportunity of getting a new outcome, whereby you may be able to re-build your family unit, your relationship and your overall levels of individual self-esteem. And if they suggest you need to move out, they can support you throughout this process.
Dear John,
I’m 28 and hanging out regularly with a guy for the last six months. I think he’s great and could see myself being with him long term. It’s more than friends with benefits, but we haven’t had ‘the talk’ yet. How do I bring it up and get us out of this ‘relationship limbo’?
JOHN: I have to say I’m a little surprised you’re still in limbo after six months. You’re 28 and usually the big talk will have happened by this stage, so I can absolutely understand why you want to push this along now. You need some clarity about your relationship, and having this talk will flush out his real intentions.
There always comes a time when you’ve got to have ‘the talk’ about exclusivity and long-term relationship goals. This will differ for all couples, but it will usually be influenced by how old you are, how long you’ve been together, your overall compatibility, and your need for commitment. After 6 months together and being 28 years old, you’re ready to get serious and move this forward. The longer you wait, the more anxious and insecure you’re going to become. So it’s time to jump in.
‘It’s more than friends with benefits, but we haven’t had the talk yet.’ (Screen Gems)
When bringing this up, I think it’s a good idea to initially be playful and lighthearted about it all. Pick a time when you’re alone, uninterrupted, feeling close with one another, and preferably outside of the bedroom. Ask him, “So what are we doing here with us?”, “Where do you see the two of us headed?”, “How are you feeling about the future?” and “Where do you want to head with this?” These types of openers should get him talking and hopefully he’ll leap right up to the plate and commit.
However, if he gives you vague, cute and non-committal responses, like “I don’t know what you mean?”, “I haven’t given it much thought”, “I’m just a ‘now’ guy, I don’t like to plan ahead” and “Why, what do you want?”, then be more direct. Tell him you need a clear commitment from him now about his exclusivity, his relationship expectations and his long-term plans. This should get you on the same page immediately, and if he still can’t tell you, he doesn’t see you as a long-term option.
If that’s the case, I’m afraid you need to take a deep breath and move on. He was never going to commit.
The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.
**Some questions may have been edited down.
It is very rare that a newspaper article makes me laugh out loud, but Emma Jacobs’s wonderfully droll piece (June 2/3) on her mother choosing to marry a tattooed fiancé rather than take up her offer of a granny annexe did just that. What made me guffaw was her reaction to Debrett’s dating advice (to throw caution to the wind and go for an overnight stay): these were “words I cannot unsee”.
Colin Hines
London TW1, UK
“Hey, can I play on your dating apps?!” If you’re single and attempting to online-mingle, I’m sure one of your very well-meaning, but very monogamous friends has requested a turn on your phone. You probably thought, “IT’S MY DATING LIFE, DAMNIT, NOT A GAME!” and then subsequently and less dramatically, “I mean, if you must.” Because if you’ve spent any significant amount of time on apps, you start to see the same funny dating app bios, so much so that you begin to believe there’s no such thing as an original joke.
For those of you who like originality, it can feel bleak out there on the dater-net, but I actually think it’s entertaining that everyone seems to describe themselves similarly. Every profile mentions the outdoors or traveling, and everyone is “fun.” But to be fair, there are millions of people on the apps, so it’s statistically pretty hard to be original in your bio. Maybe it’s just a numbers game. Or maybe everyone’s reading the same dating advice online (hey, if it’s good, it’s good).
Since exhaustion loves company, here are the dating app bios you’ll see over and over again whether you’re single and swiping, or taken and “playing” on a friend’s app.
While I think it’s definitely helpful to know where people are from, I find it super funny that somewhere along the way, people collectively decided the best way to share your city-history was to use airport-style abbreviations, but without actually using the actual three-letter airport codes. (New York’s airports are JFK and LGA, so… what?)
I really appreciate when matches clarify this fact because I myself would prefer a humorless grump who takes everything super seriously. I know, I know, I’m being a jerk. But again, it’s LOLz to me that people feel the need to clarify they like being around people who make them laugh. Um, SAME! Who wouldn’t?
I have a private Instagram, so maybe I just don’t understand this. Are you trying to get on The Bachelorette, are you trying to get more followers, or are you genuinely confident in your Instagram game? To be fair, with all of the social media fallout with this season’s Bachelorette contestant Garrett, it’s actually not a bad idea to vet your bae as soon as possible. Keep this going, friends!
This is more male-specific, but there are many bios that simply list height, and I honestly understand why. Well, sort of. I’m a straight 5’2 woman, so I’m usually not to worried about being taller than my date, but some women care about that. Putting height in your bio is totally fine, but just be honest about it, no matter your gender or orientation. I feel like every dude on the internet is “5’11” which usually means “Two to three inches under 6 feet” IRL. Another strategy: list a height like one inch shorter than you are, so that when you turn up, you look super tall! (But, I mean, honesty is best.)
Or any other combination of three or more random words that I think are things you like? I find it interesting when people quite literally objectify themselves by putting the objects they like on their dating profile. It’s cool to share your interests with someone else, but I also like complete sentences… or at least phrases.
I understand that dating someone with a child is very different than dating someone without a child, but can’t you mention that in the messages? Also, if this isn’t your kid, isn’t it a bit strange to be putting them on blast on dating apps? I know the goal is to look like you’re good with kids, but it’s funny how many people write “not my kid,” and nothing else. Got it!
This is important, because I’m definitely swiping on that fluffy retriever puppy and not you. I actually find “not my dog,” to be entertaining and transparent. It’s less of a disclaimer, and more of a declaration of “I’m not going to get your hopes up,” which I appreciate, because it’s no fun when hopes get crushed in dating.
I’m so impressed by how many people on apps love adventures and being outdoors and fitness. I’m also surprised at how many of those people who love being in shape also love tell you who they are before you get a chance to know them. No shade, just sayin’…
Emojis are to dating app profiles what cereal is to breakfast: they’re quick and easy, but are not entirely offensive. They’re also sometimes a colorful pop to an otherwise drab situation. (See: Lucky Charms.)
I would imagine, much like the sense of humor bit, that we all love to travel. But this does lead to a few not-entirely-drab conversation starters: “Where was the last place you traveled?” or “Where’s the top spot on your travel list?” Acceptable.
I always forget about the Myers Briggs personality types until I go on a dating app and see one million of them. But I kind of like it, because then I try to remember what I was (ENTP) and what all the categories are (check them out here) and I go down a fun rabbit hole of considering whether it is nurture or nature who made me who I am?
I saw at least five Myers-Briggs types during the refresher-swipe that I did to research this article. (And I probably only swiped 30 people total.) In my pass of the apps, I also found what should be a new trend — or that is a trend that I am just not up on yet — in a profile that read, “Zika free. 805 credit score.” I swiped right.
Meanwhile, Kendra took to Twitter last month to ask for dating advice in the wake of her break-up.
Kendra Wilkinson is “super open” to the idea of dating.
The 32-year-old reality star split with her husband of almost nine years Hank Baskett – with whom she has son Hank IV, eight, and daughter Alijah, three – earlier this year, and seems to be ready to put the past behind her and move on with someone new.
A source told People magazine: “She’s not dating right now, but she’s super open to the idea. She’ll definitely be dating sooner rather than later. She needs to go out and have fun. She’s separated and there’s no chance for reconciliation. The relationship is 100 percent over.”
The comments come after a source recently said the Kendra On Top star was “looking forward” to moving on and starting the next stage in her life with somebody new.
They added: “[Kendra is] ready to really put herself out there in the dating world. [She is] looking forward to this new chapter of her life. She feels like she is going to make a comeback and have a full revival.”
READ: Kendra Wilkinson pays tribute to Hugh Hefner
Meanwhile, Kendra took to Twitter last month to ask for dating advice in the wake of her break-up.
She tweeted: “What’s your opinion… do i start dating/sex now or give myself more time? My heart is broken but i have needs. Lmaoooo #gimmelovin #notgettingyounger #33hereicome. (sic)”
After one fan told her she should wait longer in order to “get [her] head straight” and suggested she use sex toys for the time being, Kendra joked that she had already exhausted that option.
She replied: “All out of batteries. It’s time my friend (sic)”
Kendra announced her split from Hank last month in an emotional Instagram post which followed months of speculation about the state of their marriage.
She wrote: “Today is the last day of my marriage to this beautiful man. I will forever love Hank and be open but for now we have chosen to go our own ways. I’m beyond sad and heartbroken because i did believe in forever, that’s why i said yes but unfortunately too much fear has gotten in the way. We are both amazing parents and our kids will be happy n never know the difference other than seeing mama smile.
“Sometimes love looks funny. We are told to make sacrifices in life if it’s true love well in this case it’s me. I want to see happy Hank again… i miss that. Marriage was just a piece of paper and a piece of jewelry but our hearts will always be real. U will prob see us together a lot but it’s because there’s no hate. Love wins in this case it’s just looks a little funny. Thank you Hank for a beautiful 8 years of marriage and 2 beautiful kids. I feel so thankful and blessed. (sic)”
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