Relationships Talk

If there is anything the recent royal wedding taught us, it’s that you can successfully date after divorce.

In my twenties, the bulk of my friends were getting married. Sadly, in our thirties, half of those couples are no longer in committed relationships. Now that the tables have turned, they look to me to offer guidance on dating. In chatting with my newly separated friends who are ready to start anew, definite themes have emerged. Here are a few.

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“Summer Love”

Stephanie married at 25, and was divorced 10 years later. It’s the first time she is single since university.

This may be the first time since you were single in your early twenties, and maybe you didn’t play the field as much as you would have liked. Your new found freedom has you thinking it’s about time to date all the types you didn’t encounter while you were taken. Go for it!

Yet you still need to treat people with respect. Dating three people at once without their consent might be a bit much. Try not to ghost. (Guilty as charged!) Sometimes it’s much easier to disappear and erase a profile than to explain exactly why you don’t want to go out again, but fight that feeling and be upfront. Take a step back from dating if you need to.

“Now I have to check my baggage rather than carry it on.”

Irene, married for five years, is newly separated and the only one of her friends to be single in her early thirties.

There is no time limit on love, finding it or losing it! A newly separated or divorced person will be the first to tell you that nothing is guaranteed (especially if they don’t have a separation agreement). So what if you now have checked baggage (kids, alimony, debt), such is life. And if it isn’t that, there might be something else. Count your strengths and use your relationship history to your competitive advantage.

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“I’m SO over it.”

Kristie, married for two years but together for five. The back and forth of finally deciding to cut the ties was exhausting. Her ex moved on quickly, well before she was ready.

Depending upon the history of your love life, you might want to take a time out. Love doesn’t stink. Hurtful scenarios do. Taking the time to re-evaluate your life goals is always good for the psyche. Work on “you,” and really process everything that has happened. But, don’t keep yourself so busy that you tuck it away only for it to blow up in your face. Because yes, that will stink. Plus, you never want to approach a fresh new relationship with old feelings: it’s just bad form.

“Why me?”

Michelle was cheated on various times throughout her four-year marriage. She didn’t leave because she didn’t want to be alone. It ended when he left for someone else.

Victimization can play into all of the above scenarios or play out all on its own. Taking ownership of your own actions will help you decipher where it went wrong. There are two people in a relationship and it’s very unlikely that the whole reason for the demise of your relationship was the other person.

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If someone has taken advantage of you and you let them, it’s time to figure out why you would sell yourself short. Check your self-esteem.

Dating after divorce can be a difficult time, but it does not need to be. Being aware of where you are as an individual and what you learned from your prior relationship can help you grow and move on to a successful second act. Maybe this time you’ll snag a prince.

Also on HuffPost:

A DATING advice chatbot named Lara who promises to find your ideal match now lives inside your Android phone.

You can chat to the AI matchmaker via Google Assistant: the digital helper built into Android handsets, Google Home smart speakers, Android smart watches and laptops.

Lara is dating app Match’s chatbot for Facebook and Google Assistant

The Sun

Aside from dating tips, Lara can also recommend places to go

Initiating a convo with the bot is as simple as saying “Ok Google, talk to Lara from Match”, to which she’ll respond with dating tips, meetup locations, and point you in the direction of fellow love-seekers.

The more you chat to the wing-woman, the smarter she gets.

Over time, she’ll be able to hone in on your preferences, allowing her to dole out more relevant advice.

Lara is the brainchild of dating service Match and has been hanging around on Facebook Messenger for a year now.

But her arrival on Google could lead to even better suggestions.

For example, Match says Lara will dig into Google Maps to offer customised date locations that will be sent to you via text message.

Meanwhile her dating advice spans everything from top date turn-offs to overcoming jitters.

For example, if you’re feeling shy about going a romantic rendezvous, Lara will respond with suggestions on how to combat those first-date nerves.

Match

Lara also sends Match members daily dating recommendations

Though the bot is open to all, her daily match feature (which sees her select a Match member you’ll like) is for members-only.

However, the service isn’t free. The cheapest Match subscription package will set you back £9.99 per month for six months, spiking up to £29.99 on a pay-monthly basis.

“This…puts us at the forefront of innovation in the dating industry,” said Match’s Xavier de Baillenx.

“We are always looking at the role technology can play in improving our member’s experience to offer them new ways of meeting their potential dates that will easily fit in with their busy everyday life.

“Building upon the success of Lara on Facebook, we wanted to enhance and explore the possibilities of AI, which has provided us with a great outcome so far. We look forward to developing Lara further as technology evolves.”

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Global market leader Match has teamed up with Google to launch its dating chatbot Lara across the Google Assistant network, after a successful run in Facebook Messenger.

From today, Match users can speak to Lara through their Google Assistant on their phone, smartwatch, laptop or Google Home smart speaker to ask for dating tips and find new matches.

Every day Lara will send through a unique Daily Match via a text message, based on a search conducted on the user’s Match preferences like age, location and common interests.

Using the phrase “OK Google, talk to Lara from Match”, users can then have a conversation with Lara to get suggestions for potential date locations, hooked up to a pin on Google Maps.

Lara will also proactively encourage further conversation by offering dating advice, including tips like the top turn-offs on a first date or how to overcome nervousness. As the chatbot is powered by artificial intelligence, the more a user chats with Lara, the more detailed and bespoke her responses will become.

The news follows recent innovation in smartphone app-based dating from Badoo, which announced yesterday that it will be trialling a live video streaming feature this summer to replace traditional swiping left and right.

Read more: Dating app Badoo is ditching swiping right in favour of live streaming

“This is a very exciting time for Match and puts us at the forefront of innovation in the dating industry,” said Xavier de Baillenx, an innovation leader at Match.

“We are always looking at the role technology can play in improving our member’s experience to offer them new ways of meeting their potential dates that will easily fit in with their busy everyday life.

“Building upon the success of Lara on Facebook, we wanted to enhance and explore the possibilities of AI, which has provided us with a great outcome so far. We look forward to developing Lara further as technology evolves.”

Those oft spoken “Sex and the City” questions, asked in soothing voice-over by New York Star dating columnist Carrie Bradshaw, have in recent years become the target of hilarious memes and “I-can’t-believe-she-said-that” quips, complete with an eye-roll.

But let’s not pretend Carrie, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, who wrote about her stalled dating life and the lives of her three best friends, didn’t have some solid dating gems.

“Sex and the City” was a television show for a generation of young women, struggling to talk about sex, dating and what they really wanted from men. Unlike its small screen predecessors before them, like “The Golden Girls” and “Designing Women,” Darren Star’s comedy was a more unsanitized version of what women were really talking about in the ’90s over cosmopolitans.

The three women who linked arm-in-arm with Carrie on those New York streets were power lawyer Miranda Hobbes, portrayed by now-New York gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon, public relations magnate Samantha Jones, played by Kim Cattrall, and art gallery dealer turned stay-at-home mom Charlotte York, played by Kristin Davis.

“SATC” was a rare moment in television history where the men in these women’s lives weren’t the heroes. They weren’t waiting on Prince Charming to come and save them from a life of career work. Instead, the foursome, embodying distinct aspects of muliebrity, showed New York City women in control of their careers, but equally importantly, in control of their love lives.

Although the show often gets teased — and for good reason — for asking at times banal dating questions like “When it comes to bags, men, and cities, is it really what’s outside that counts,” it also held solid dating advice and mantras for women without a significant other.

Here are the 20 best pieces of dating advice from “Sex and the City”:

Mantras for single women

1. “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” — Carrie

2. “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free. Until they find someone, just as wild to run with.” — Carrie

3. “Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.” — Carrie

4. “The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” — Carrie

5. “You shouldn’t have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.” — Carrie

6. “Life gives you lots of chances to screw up which means you have just as many chances to get it right.” — Carrie

7. “Anyone who’s single in Manhattan gets a little freaked out from time to time. But we keep trying because you have to figure … somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us … and kiss our three heads and make it all better.” — Carrie

8. “I will not be judged by you or society.” — Samantha

9. “Take tradition and decorate it your own way. Think of it like the woman in Abu Dhabi, or like the movies in black and white, relationships come in a range of colors and options.” — Carrie

10. “Being a mother just isn’t enough.” — Miranda

Advice for women who are dating

1. “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” — Carrie

2. “Don’t play hard to get with a man who’s hard to get.” — Samantha

3. “And, finally, the most important breakup rule: No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never go through it without your friends.” — Carrie

4. “When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho.” — Carrie

5. “It wasn’t logic, it was love.” — Carrie

6. “The hard thing about fighting in relationships is that there’s no referee. There’s no one to tell you which comments are below the belt. As a result, someone usually gets hurt.” — Carrie

7. “Some love stories aren’t epic novels, some are short stories… But, that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.” — Carrie

8. “I love you… but I love me more.” — Samantha

9. “I didn’t get married to follow what society wants us to do, we are married, we have the luxury to design our own life.” — Carrie

10. “Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” — Carrie