Relationships Talk

For the 20th anniversary of Sex and the City—which premiered on HBO on June 6, 1998 and went on to become iconic prestige television—Jezebel is doing a week of posts dedicated to our favorite band of sexual women friends.

When looking to HBO’s Sex and the City for dating advice, a reasonable person’s main takeaway should largely be to watch what these women do and then do the opposite. For example, do NOT marry a man only because you like the idea of him (see: Charlotte and Trey), do NOT have an affair with an ex who’s married, but if you must, do NOT have it in the apartment he shares with his brittle-toothed wife (a mistake made by Carrie and Big), and do NOT set up two incompatible characters because they both happen to be gay (Anthony and Stanford is a sham—MARCUS FOR LIFE).

A true gem of romantic advice, however, comes from an unlikely source: Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), the fearsome, sex-positive PR exec who proudly wears her vagina on her sleeve (or her vagina is her sleeve? It’s a messy metaphor). Not one to be carried away by matters of the heart and reluctant to be corralled into a relationship, it’s rare that we see Samantha lose control of her life with one notable exception: her love affair with hotelier and scumbag Richard Wright (James Remar).

Samantha’s relationship with Richard was one fraught with distrust and dishonesty. Initially scorning his more sentimental advances, she eventually falls hard into a somewhat unrequited love that results in her blackmailing the assistant who buys gifts for Richard’s partners into signing a card with “Love, Richard.” (He only says “I love you” when faced with admitting he didn’t write the card himself.)

Later, she discovers him going down on another woman, they breakup, and after much cajoling, the typically self-possessed Samantha returns to the relationship where she’s constantly wracked with anxiety that he might cheat again. Things come to a head in “Luck Be an Old Lady,” episode 3 in Season 5, when she is drawn to the brink of madness by her paranoia and she realizes she must end things. Richard, trying to get her to reconsider, says, “I love you, Samantha.” Samantha then says one of the wisest things ever uttered on this mostly silly and fantastical show:

“I love you, too, Richard. But I love me more.”

“I love you, too, but I love me more” provides a blueprint for what I consider to be most healthy relationships. What “I love you, too, but I love me more” means is that you will love a person to the best of your ability while still making self care a priority. From Greek myths to Romeo and Juliet to Twilight, we’re told stories of how worth it peril and anguish can be, so long as what you get in return is our very rigid definition of love—heteronormative nonsense that at best results in co-dependence and at worst, outright controlling abuse.

As a childless adult, there is no one I should love and care for more than I do myself—though that doesn’t diminish the intense love I have for my partner, family, and…fine…cats. If anything, taking care of myself allows me to love them better because as RuPaul often says in another iteration of Samantha’s quote: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” What most will find is that loving one’s self (the beginning of a lifelong romance, according to Carrie Bradshaw Oscar Wilde) and taking care of your own needs will allow you to care for others in ways that absolute devotion/“stand by your man” shit cannot because it makes you strong enough to support another person and independent enough to walk away when you need to.

Samantha’s “I love you, too, Richard, but I love me more” pops into my mind with strange frequency, considering that the episode it’s featured in aired 16 years ago, probably because it’s one of the most helpful and surprising lessons to be included in media aimed at women. So please forgive me if I do not read the feedback to this piece. I love you all, but I love me more.

Dating gets more complicated when you’re an introverted person. Looking to meet people in bars, bookstores, classes, and other spots is tough when you’re not comfortable approaching strangers and starting conversations. Dating apps are meant to facilitate this, and they normally do, but they also demand for you to be proactive and to reach out to people who you’re interested in dating.

The following apps compiled by Mashable try to be as flexible as users want them to be, allowing them to avoid bars and loud places to hang out, initial awkward conversations, and providing them with the ability to meet someone that shares similar interests. Check out 5 of our favorites:

This app is one of the most efficient than most dating apps out there, being less of a social media experience and more of a get your results as soon as possible sort of thing. Coffee Meets Bagel doesn’t allow you to swipe or browse, instead, the app sends you a match every day at noon based on your personal characteristics such as religion, height, ethnicity, and more.

Once a connection is made, the app allows you to chat and provides you with a few icebreakers, making everything much more simple. While CMB is a little business-like, it’s also an app that’s there to provide results and dating opportunities without making you go through the nerve wrecking experience of not knowing if someone is into you or not.

By filling out a Relationship Questionnaire, eharmony hopes to pair up singles who are looking for long term relationships based on their personality traits. Eharmony has very good security measures that erase all possibilities of catfishing, and it also has a system that allows you profile to be viewed only by people who are a good match for you, eliminating the process of discarding users because they’re not what you’re interested in.

This site is also a good option for introverts because it provides several ways of smoothing over the first interaction, such as providing ice breakers, free dating advice and other resources to make your dating process as smooth as possible.

This site is exclusively for those who are interested in serious relationships, looking for users who are over 30 years old, educated, and relatively affluent. The app works by sending you 3 to 7 matches a day based on your results from a questionnaire that measures your level of introversion, neuroticism, and more, hoping to match you up with people who are similar to you.

Match.com is one of the oldest dating services around, attracting all sorts of users from all ages and backgrounds. It’s also pretty relaxed, allowing people to use the site and connect with others as many times as they want to. Match.com is a good option for introverts because it allows them to browse through profiles incognito, not letting others know that they’re viewing their profile, and it also hosts meet up events where matches can meet in a much more relaxed environment.

This app reminds me of the old internet, when people were wary of giving out their personal information and interacted with others anonymously. Animo is very different than most dating sites, allowing users to get a feel for others without revealing their private information.

At first, you’ll start off with an Avatar that resembles you and all your personal information will be blocked. You can play games and chat with users until you feel comfortable enough to reveal yourself and allow them to look at your profile. This app focuses more on casual friendships and hang outs than in long term relationships, but it’s one of the best options for users who are shy and value their privacy.

One way our intuition speaks to us is through our ability to read others’ body language. When you’re on a date with someone, pay attention to the nonverbal cues they’re sending. “If their arms are crossed when with you, they are blocking you from their energy,” Graham says. “Always touch the person — hand, shoulder, and/or arm. You should be able to feel cold (their ego blocking you) or warmth (a connection) just from the touch.” And make sure to look into their eyes. “If they are constantly looking left or right, or over you — their energy is not connecting with you,” Graham says.

“Energy travels,” Graham says. “If you sit still, be calm, and focus on the person, you can feel their spirit speak to you. You can become really in tune with your intuition and the psychic language between you and another person. You don’t need words to determine if a connection exists.”

Tapping into your intuition certainly isn’t always easy in dating, but being able to understand — and listen — to your gut feelings can transform the way you approach your love life. By setting intentions, paying attention to signs from the person you’re dating, and staying focused, you’ll be off to an excellent start.