Category Archives: Relationships
This Advice From Moms About Breakups Is So Wise, It'll Make You Rethink Everything
It’s hardly a secret that moms can give some seriously revelatory advice. More often than not, the hard part is learning to actually listen to it. And despite my stubbornness when it comes to dating, there is no one I trust to give me solid advice more than my mother. There’s just something about advice from moms about breakups that can really get you on the right track after a particularly difficult heartbreak.
And while talking with your friends and getting their input can certainly help too, let’s face it — moms have been around a lot longer. And with age comes wisdom, so it’s probably safe to say that most good mom advice packs a serious punch. Another great part about seeking dating advice from moms is that they’ve got tough love on lock. And even if you are hoping that they will tell you what you want to hear, they almost always know when it’s time to serve up a reality check. I can’t think of a more important time to get a dose of reality than during a breakup, because it’s so easy to let the intensity of your emotions overshadow reality. Here is the best advice we’ve heard from some strong, loving, and wise mamas.
1Let Yourself Be Sad, Let Yourself Be Mad, And Then Let Go
First of all, always remember you are valuable, beautiful, and strong. You’re young and life is just beginning. You will survive! Cry, be mad, talk about it with your best friend, eat pizza and ice cream, yeah, just like in the movies. But move on! There will be others, better or worse, and this probably won’t be your first or last breakup.
— Maria, 46
2Accept That Some Relationships Just Aren’t Meant To Be
Just know that if it things didn’t work out, then it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s so easy to beat yourself up wondering about what could have been or how things may have worked out differently, but life is far too short to dwell on things you can’t change. Learn from the past and move on. In the long run, it’s always better to know that a relationship isn’t working sooner rather than later.
— Suzanne, 64
3Find Someone Who Treats You Like The Queen That You Are
I got my heart broken and I was devastated and felt so certain that no one would ever love me again. I was treated terribly by my ex, but I didn’t care, I still loved him. But then I met my husband and he treated me like a queen. My advice is find someone that treats you like a queen. Because you deserve it!
— Gail, 62
4It’s Not Your Job To Convince Someone That You’re Worthy Of Their Love
First, the pain gets better. And second, if someone doesn’t want to be with you then there’s nothing you can or should do to change that.
— Sue, 55
5Don’t Expect The Way Someone Treats You To Change
If they don’t love and appreciate you now, then don’t think that they would have ever loved and appreciated you later.
— Joanne, 72
6Keep Yourself Busy, And Don’t Rush
From my experience, the best way to work past a breakup is to keep yourself busy as much as possible. Keeping your mind occupied will help you move on without completely descending into a black hole of misery. And whatever you do, try to take your time getting back into the dating pool. Remember that the objective shouldn’t be to find someone to replace your ex.
— Yvonne, 70
7Accept That Breakups Are Just Part Of The Process
Imagine yourself solving a jigsaw puzzle. There’s the one piece you chose and need to find the match. That piece is you. You take another piece, not actually committing to it as a match… that is the dating process. You attempt to connect, but it does not fit. You put it down, set it aside. The process continues until you finally find that ONE piece that is the match and you breathe a sigh of relief. Dating is never committing to someone until you take that breath… until the piece fits perfectly. Then you commit. Dating is just that. Never think that dating someone is the ONE piece. Breakups will happen, but its for a reason.
— Maria
8Breakups Just Bring You One Step Closer To Finding The One
I would tell them to try to look at the positive in terms of what you learned in the relationship and how it made you grow. Although it hurts now, with time everything will start to heal. The breakup is just putting you one step closer to finding the right relationship you’re supposed to be in.
— Susan, 44
9Breakups Offer The Opportunity To Figure Out What You Want
Dating and real estate have similar traits: There’s always a trade-off. The most important thing is to have a list of ‘Must Have,’ ‘Would Like,’ [and] ‘Not Important’. Any breakup will be painful but it will help you clarify your list.
— Alfie
No one ever said that letting someone go was easy, but just know that the pain you are feeling is totally normal and that it will most certainly lessen with time. Everyone deserves to have a partner (if they want one) who loves them and enhances their life, and there isn’t just one person out there capable of doing that. If breakups are part of finding the person that fits in your life the way you need them to, it’ll all be worth it in the end.
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Advice Columnist Meredith Goldstein Reveals She Doesn't Have It All Figured Out
Advice columnist Meredith Goldstein is never at a loss when it comes to giving advice to her “Love Letters” readers. But as her new memoir reveals, that certainty is sometimes completely lacking in her personal life.
“Can’t Help Myself: Lessons & Confessions from a Modern Advice Columnist,” is a humorous and sometimes poignant look at how Goldstein handles her own breakups (sometimes crying beside her workplace vending machine), her dating-avoidance techniques, her fraught relationship with her father and, ultimately, the difficulties she has navigating her mother’s cancer treatments. The book is interspersed with letters she’s received from her own readers, which are woven into the narrative about her own life.
Here & Now‘s Robin Young talks with Goldstein (@MeredithGoldste) about the book, and the situations she confronts.
Book Excerpt: ‘Can’t Help Myself’
by Meredith Goldstein
Excerpted from CAN’T HELP MYSELF: Lessons and Confessions From a Modern Advice Columnist by Meredith Goldstein. Copyright © 2018 by Boston Globe Media Partners, LLC. Reprinted by permission of Grand Central Publishing, New York, NY. All rights reserved.
This segment aired on May 7, 2018. Audio will be available soon.
How to Tell if Someone's Hiding Something in Their Dating Profile
Online dating can be a challenge. There are profiles to fill out, photos to load, and bios to write. The results can be disappointing at times, but at some point, you just might find your match. Another thing that often adds to the stress of online dating is the fact that some online daters attempt to hide critical information. They could be hiding a marriage, their height, or some part of their physical features.
So, how do you know if a dating profile is riddled with lies and exaggerations? Sports Illustrated swimsuit models Lais Ribeiro and Robin Holzken chatted with The Cheat Sheet about turn-offs and turn-ons when it comes to finding love online.
Here’s what they told us about how to tell if someone is hiding something in his or her dating profile.
Cropped photos
Cropped photos are a big no-no when it comes to your dating profile. | AntonioGuillem/iStock/Getty Images
Be leery of profiles that contain cropped photos. Who or what is he or she trying to hide? A person who is serious about finding love online would likely pay careful attention to the photos being posted online. So, if you see a photo that looks like someone was cropped out, you might want to pass.
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Lais Ribeiro told The Cheat Sheet a cropped photo would definitely cause her to hesitate. “When their photo is way too cropped…like, who else is in there?” asked Ribeiro.
Next: Take a decent picture.
Poor picture quality
Your dating profile has to catch the attention of that special person. | Monkeybusinessimages/iStock/Getty Images
Grainy pictures are not only annoying but also hide physical features. This could be an attempt to draw attention away from things like subpar grooming or lack of fitness. Both Ribeiro and Holzken agree proper grooming is a must when it comes to the dating scene. An unkempt appearance could be the kiss of death. “You only have one opportunity to make a first impression and put your best face forward. I have a boyfriend, but if I had a dating profile I’d look for someone who looks like they take the time to groom …” said Ribeiro.
Next: This is even worse.
No picture
Your less likely to get a response if you don’t have a profile photo. | Loveischiangrai/iStock/Getty Images
Most people have access to technology that allows them to take a photo. If you don’t see any pictures in a profile, this should give you pause. Holzken said the first thing that attracts her to an online dating profile is the picture. “I would choose based on which pictures they have – nothing too weird or rude. Also, show a picture of yourself! I hate when guys use group shots – it’s hard to know who is who.
Next: Are you getting the runaround?
Hesitance to meet in person
A major red flag to watch out for. | M-gucc/iStock/Getty Images
You might get to a point where you meet someone you like, but you can’t seem to get them to commit to an in-person meeting. Dates might be frequently cancelled, or your potential love just keeps stalling whenever you ask about rescheduling. This is often a sign that something in the dating profile doesn’t match reality.
Next: Who are you?
No bio
An incomplete profile will not attract many people. | iStock.com
If you’re serious about finding love, you’re likely going to take time to include an engaging description of yourself and your interests. It’s not a good sign if someone skips over the bio. If there is a bio, it should have some personality to it. A lifeless description listing your hobbies and pets just won’t cut it. Said Holzken:
I think you can see a lot from the pictures that someone uses. Some people only have pictures to show off and no information or bio – that’s a no-go! That makes me think you have something negative to hide. Another thing that really catches my attention is when they have a funny bio.
Next: Here are some red flags to watch out for
Questionable photos
Your dating profile photos should be relatable and wholesome. | Shironosov/Getty Images
A clear picture is great, but if the photo is of your potential date doing questionable things, this is a red flag. Most people attempt to put their best foot forward. If his or her best foot is portrayed with photos of getting drunk at the bar or illicit drug use, you should keep it moving. Said Ribeiro:
Definitely what helps catch my eye [when helping my friends with online dating] are really great pictures that show your personality – they can’t all be drinking with your buddies, and definitely no pictures that make me question if that’s your ex-girlfriend. The “about” section should also include height because I’m a tall girl.
Next: Smile for the camera.
Blatant lies
If they lied about one thing, whose to say they haven’t lied about more? | Bokan76/iStockGetty Images
When you finally meet in person, you might discover he or she lied about a few things listed in the profile. For example, your date might be taller or shorter than expected or look completely different. Ribeiro said a situation like this would make her quite upset. “That’s the first impression you give someone, and you go in thinking one thing and then find out another? Not cool,” said Ribeiro.
Next: Their dating tips.
Their best online dating tip
A healthy, happy relationship starts with honesty. | Ivanko_Brnjakovic/iStock/Getty Images
When we asked the models for their best tips, they said honesty is the best policy when it comes to online dating. Ribeiro says she isn’t a fan of catfishing. “Be honest! No catfishing. The truth will eventually come out when you meet, and no good relationship starts with lies,” said Ribeiro.
Holzken adds that it’s also important to be confident. “Be confident. Everything else will follow!” she said.
Next: Down for the cause.
How Lais and Robin are helping online daters look their best
Left: Lais Ribeiro knows how to take a great selfie. | Lais Ribeiro via Instagram , Right: Robin Holzken is a pro at looking good online. | Robin Holzken via Instagram
Ribeiro and Holzken are serious about making sure others are picture perfect for the adventure that is online dating. The supermodels recently partnered with Edge in an effort to put out the message that if you want to get ahead in the dating game, you have to take care of yourself. Said Lais:
It’s tough to be in the dating scene. So, Edge wants to help guys get ahead with dating and grooming advice. For the launch of the new Edge 2-in-1 Shave Cream, Robin Holzken and I teamed up to offer exclusive advice and are featured in a fun spread in the 2018 Swimsuit issue.
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How To Write A Dating App Bio For An Open Relationship That's Fully Transparent
I cohost a podcast about dating, and that podcast has a secret Facebook group for listeners. It’s a place they can share dating qualms, ask for advice, and generally boost my ego (jokes!). It’s also one of the few comment sections on the internet that I can tolerate, and that’s entirely due to our sweet listeners. Recently, the topic of whether dating app bios for open relationships should be honest about their relationship status or not. I quickly realized that I did not know all that much about open relationships, and I decided to listen with my eyeballs and not type with my fingers.
Essentially, a listener shared that after Googling after a recent first date (because 2018), she found out that he seemingly had a girlfriend on his social media. We’re talking profile pictures here. She liked him, planned out to hang out with him again, and wondered if she should say something about him potentially cheating on his girlfriend. While most of us chimed in with a “YES, find out now!” one of our listeners in a poly relationship reminded us that this guy could very well be poly or in an open relationship, and that we should consider that as well.
While I was relatively vanilla in my initial thinking about the situation (“HE’S A DOG!”), I still felt pretty strongly that being in an open relationship is something that should be disclosed before heading out on a date. I understand that the world is changing and that open-mindedness is queen, but there if I’m going to spend my night with you, I’d like to know if you’re single or not.
I spoke to relationship coach specializing in open relationships Effy Blue, and licensed psychotherapist and dating coach, Shaina Singh, LCSW about the right way to introduce an open relationship when using dating apps actively with people who may or may not be in open relationships as well.
Be As Transparent As Possible In Your Dating Profile
While it might feel limiting, or you might worry that people will wonder if you’re just looking for sex if you include your open relationship in your bio, being honest is the best policy. Wouldn’t you appreciate if someone was transparent with you?
“When someone is setting up a dating profile, they should be honest and ethical about their disclosure of the type of relationship they are in,” says Singh. “It needs to be front and center where people can clearly see this. It should never be hidden, unclear or vague.” She adds that this will help you attract the type of people who will truly celebrate your relationship status, and OKCupid even has an option for your matches to link to your partner’s profile.
If you’re really uncomfortable putting it in your bio, for fear someone from work or another arena of your life might happen to see it, mention it as soon as possible upon beginning a conversation. “If you don’t feel comfortable, be sure to mention it early in the messaging process,” says Blue. “Most definitely before you show up for your first date. There are many people who are [only] looking for monogamy, so why waste your or their time?”
Be Clear About What You Mean By “Open Relationship”
While the words are often interchanged, being in an open relationship and being polyamorous can mean two different things. “Open relationships are relationships that are not defined by sexual fidelity where the couple mutually agrees to have sexual relationships beyond the dyad [pair],” explains Blue. “Some people use ‘open relationship’ and ‘polyamory’ synonymously. Open relationships being only about sex outside the relationship and polyamory being multiple romantic and loving relationships pursued simultaneously.” She adds that it is important to have a conversation to understand what a person means by “open relationship,” as there are multiple definitions.
Be honest with a potential partner about exactly what you and your current partner’s arrangement is. “[The] idea behind having an open relationship is that you can’t expect to have all your needs met by one person, or there is a part of your gender or sexuality that you want to celebrate and can do so by being in a relationship with someone else other than your primary partner,” explains Singh. “Some partners have rules around their open relationship that they can have sex with other people, however, no emotional connection or relationship is allowed.”
While you don’t necessarily need to slap this information on your Tinder bio, it would be nice to mention it early and definitely before going on a date. “Not everyone you meet online or in person is going to be as psyched about non-monogamy as you are,” Blue adds. “This is okay! A good way to handle these initial conversations is to invite potential dating partners to have a conversation about what your open relationship means to you. The key is to invite rather than impose.”
If you’re new to open relationships, or if you’ve matched with someone whose bio mentions an open relationship, and you’re not sure if you’re ready to be in one, take a look at Effy Blue’s 7 Tips for Dating In Open Relationship. It’s a free download that will help you navigate the language around opening a relationship up on dating apps.
Oh, and as for the secret Facebook group commenter? Turns out the guy had just broken up with his girlfriend a month prior, still lived with her, and had yet to change his Facebook picture. Trust that people in agreed-upon open relationships will let you know upfront, if they don’t, they’re not for you anyway.
