Relationships Talk

“Online dating is a bit like Costco, there’s an enormous range of options. You have to look for the fresh produce aisle,” says Coles. “If you grow up in a small community, you’re desperate for a friend’s cousin to come to town for some new person to connect with. Dating apps are fantastic in that they provide incredible options. You just have to use them carefully.” So before you begin liking, swiping and private messaging, it’s crucial to learn the rules of the road, so you can successfully make meaningful connections in the digital landscape. Here are Coles tips for doing just that:

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

You joined Bumble — but that doesn’t mean your perfect match is just swipes away. “Online dating is merely a tool to connect you with other people” says Cole. So don’t stop meeting people in real life: go out for happy hour after work, join an intramural soccer team, try a new workout class. Dating apps are meant to be an addition to your repertoire; they are not the cure-all. And they certainly won’t do the dirty work for you when it comes to falling in love, says Coles.

Take it offline as soon as possible

When conducting the research for the book, Coles was most surprised to see a central theme crop up: people were keeping their communication online for a long time before meeting in real life. “People will have texty, flirty exchanges without actually talking on the phone or meeting in real life. And you see people giving up days, weeks, months … ” she says. While they are brilliant tools to meet new people, digital exchanges shouldn’t be used as a means to determine if someone is relationship material.

“The key thing to inject the real person into it is get offline. Figure out whether or not this person is someone you actually want to meet in real life,” she says. “You want to try and connect with someone. And my strongest piece of advice is do not waste your time in a lengthy text, flirty exchange with someone, which people often do, because it may turn out that you are connecting with someone online, and you have nothing in common at all.”

DEAR CAROLYN: I was recently out to dinner to celebrate with a close friend who has been treated for breast cancer and has received a clean bill of health. She included her live-in boyfriend in the celebration.

I noticed he was bumping my leg. I simply moved out of way the first and second times. After the third bump, I realized he was intentionally rubbing my leg. I had to move about five times.

I have socialized with the two of them on many occasions and frankly do not have a good impression of him in general. I believe my friend deserves better, but have kept my mouth shut because it’s not up to me to comment on her choice of a partner. If it works for her, then I respect that.

But his behavior with me at dinner was personal and therefore has crossed a line with me. I want to tell my friend what happened, but not after she’s gone through such a traumatic experience. But I feel keeping silent is a tacit way of protecting him. Should I tell my friend what happened?

J.

DEAR J.: “Please stop rubbing my leg.”

That’s what you say. Out loud, at the table, in front of your friend.

No time travel necessary; if he’s as bad as you say, then he’ll do this or something like it again next time you see them.

The beauty is that “Please stop rubbing my leg” bypasses the whole mental back and forth about your responsibility with respect to your friend’s choices — because “Please stop rubbing my leg” is about your body right now, that’s it, and is entirely your responsibility.

You also don’t “ha[ve] to move about five times” to help conceal anyone’s bad behavior, for anyone. Your friend beat cancer; she’ll manage this.

If he responds by feigning ignorance or blaming you, then you stand your ground quietly, calmly and without apology. “Say what you will. I just want you to stop rubbing my leg.” Simply leaving also makes a powerful statement.

It just so happens that doing what you need for you will give your friend all the information she needs to make her own decisions — but that’s the bonus, not the point.

DEAR CAROLYN: When I married my wife, 20-plus years ago, I was fairly extroverted, and she was very much an introvert. I knew and accepted that. She had college friends, but I’ve never met them. We see her parents every couple of years. I make sure to give her space and alone time as much as she wants.

In the time we’ve been married, I’ve become a lot more introverted, and I’m OK with that. I’ve been either work-from-home or self-employed for 18 years, so I have no work friends. All my other friends have dropped away. My family lives close by, and I see them at holidays and family events, but no more than I have to. I like this a lot, as I find it stressful to try to keep up with their lives.

The problem is that my wife seems annoyed by my introversion. She tells me I should see my friends more often (without her), when she doesn’t have any. She urges me to see my family, but never talks to her own. I’ve asked her why this is a problem for her and whether I’m smothering her. She just says she thinks I should get out more. She’s also said she likes being alone in the house, so maybe my being in the other room or on another floor, doing my own thing, isn’t far enough away for her. Am I doing something wrong?

 Introverted Extrovert

DEAR INTROVERTED EXTROVERT: Yes: You’re not leaving the house.

Of course that’s not “wrong” — it’s your house, too.

But your very much introverted wife likes to be alone in it sometimes, and married you thinking she would be.

That’s it. Take it exactly at face value.

And, take it outside. Could be your wife sees two needs to be met here: for her to have more alone time and for you to have less. You didn’t ask my opinion on this, and I also believe there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to socialize as long people are comfortable with it, so I won’t belabor the point — but what you describe isn’t introversion, it’s reclusion.

It also seems as if your wife chose it, but you let it be chosen for you, through her influence and your inaction.

So while my advice stands to take your wife at her word, consider doing it in a way that gently interrupts your passive slide into solitude. Try a movie, a bookstore, a lecture, a coffee shop — public places you can engage with people fully or not at all, based on how you’re feeling that day. You might free two birds with one stone.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

The experts don’t recommend leaving a first date after 20 minutes.

Dating coaches want you to be open to whatever a first date has to offer. That might be a romantic connection or a platonic or professional one. Maybe you’ll never see or speak to this person again, but even a bad date can teach you something — about yourself, about how to find common ground with a stranger, about the possibility of attraction or admiration blooming over time.

So, no. The love experts don’t suggest that you peace out early.

But even they admit that they’ve done it before.

On Francesca Hogi’s shortest first date, she left before she’d finished her latte. She’d met the guy on Match.com, and he was making bad jokes, she says, really sarcastic ones that weren’t going over well. With online dating, those first meetups are more of a pre-date than an actual date. A cup of coffee or a drink to just decide: Is this somebody I could actually go on a first date with?

So once Hogi knew the answer was no, she told him: It was really nice meeting you. I can tell that we’re not a match. I don’t want to waste your time, or my time. So I think it’s best that we said goodbye and went our separate ways.

He responded by arguing. “He got really defensive,” Hogi recalls. “He was trying to make me feel bad, but all he did was make me feel more justified in my decision.”

Pop culture generally offers two resolutions for bad dates like the one Hogi found herself on. The ditch: Excuse yourself to the restroom and then slink out the back without saying goodbye. Or the duck: Fake a phone call from a friend who’s in need of help.

Those might make for laughs on screen, but in real life, neither is very honest.

“I’m really big on not making excuses for leaving,” says Laurie Davis, founder of the Worthy One, which offers relationship coaching for women. Don’t say: “I have an early meeting; I should get going. But actually just speaking your truth,” Davis says, even if your truth sounds like: “You know what, I’m going to get home.”

Generally, first dates last about around an hour. An awkward beginning or lack of immediate attraction are not reasons to storm off, says Hogi, a dating coach in Los Angeles. “One mistake a lot of daters make is they’re expecting to know right away if they’re compatible with someone. That’s a limiting way to approach dating,” Hogi says. She prefers to walk into an interaction, telling herself that she’ll stay present for this 45 minutes to an hour. “I’m going to give myself an opportunity to see if I can establish a connection with this person. Even if you’re not going to see the person again, doesn’t mean that date can’t be a valuable experience.”

But Hogi and Erika Ettin, a dating coach in Washington, D.C., both say that if someone is being disrespectful or offensive, or makes you feel unsafe, don’t feel bad about skipping out early. And if you think a date might not go well, better to go in with a hard out, Hogi says — like dinner with friends — than to make one up on the fly.

Ettin remembers being on a date where the guy made fun of her the entire time. “A little playful teasing might be fun if you know each other and you know each other’s sense of humor,” Ettin says. But her date was mocking everything about her: her job, her accent, where she’s from, the fact that she chose a bar that wasn’t crowded.

“When he started making fun of me to the bartender, I threw $10 down, said ‘I don’t need this’ and left,” Ettin recalls. The date lasted 15 minutes.

Though she doesn’t recommend leaving early if you just don’t like the person or don’t feel chemistry, there’s no reason to endure a first date that resembles a Comedy Central roast.

“The first thing you can do is acknowledge how wonderful it is that they feel that way about you,” says Paulette Sherman, PsyD, a New York City-based psychologist and author of Dating from the Inside Out. Whether or not you feel the same way, it’s flattering to know that someone cares about you so much. So tell your partner that you appreciate their love for you. “You can give them a kiss or a hug to express your feelings,” Dr. Sherman says. Or, “you can say, ‘I like you so much. I love being together and I’m so excited to see where this goes.’”