Relationships Talk

Just when you thought ghosting was the worst possible relationship-plaguing dating trend, in swoops “orbiting.” And, honestly, it sounds even more horrible.

While ghosting occurs when someone totally disappears from your life, orbiting—according to Man Repeller, which coined the new term—is when that person vanishes but also “keeps you in their orbit,” by continuing to watch your Instagram Stories and favorite your tweets. Despite not directly communicating with you, these suitors-turned-scumbags make sure you’re the digital equivalent of being “close enough to see each other and far enough to never talk.” AKA pure torture when it’s someone with whom you were just feeling good vibes.

Basically, an orbiter stays in your universe by keeping tabs on you without having or intending to have any semblance of a real relationship.

Basically, the person stays in your orbit by keeping tabs on you without having or intending to have any semblance of a real relationship. And whether the could-have-been flame wants to keep their options open, is using orbiting as a power move, or just has FOMO—”fear of missing out (on you)”—it’s wildly frustrating.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do about orbiters besides hitting that “block” button. (You don’t need another stressful person in your life—or, er, orbit—right?) Come to think about it, in comparison, the whole ghosting thing isn’t looking so bad after all.

Here are seven tips for staying happy, confident, and sane while online dating. Or, read one woman’s story about how a body-positive photo shoot helped her heal after dating a narcissist.

Now that it’s 2018, we’ve gotten used to ghosting, aka pulling the disappearing act to break things off with someone, as an unfortunate but all-too-present part of dating. And when we wonder why people ghost, we normally reach to easy answers. We tell ourselves that they’re scared or lazy or that all this technology we’re using is ruining us. But it may be a little more complicated than that.

New data from CreditLoan, a financial advice site, found that women were more than 150 percent more likely to ghost than men were. CreditLoan asked 1,136 adults of different ages and sexual orientations about their dating habits. Though ghosting had happened to over a third of people, there were a lot of big differences in how men and women ended relationships — and women were far more likely to ghost. What was really interesting is that we often think of ghosting as an example of millennials just being trash, but that really wasn’t the case. The gender divide was much larger than the generation divide. In fact, Millennials, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers all ghosted with very similar frequency. The real difference was between men and women.

Why are women more likely to ghost? So many people are quick to write ghosting off as being cowardly behavior, but it can also be that the decision to ghost is informed by larger gender norms. Women often find it more difficult to be confrontational than men — not because we’re cowards, but because, basically, society tells us to keep our mouth shut and not to upset anyone.

“Women have definitely been socialized to be pleasing and deferential to men,” relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW tells Bustle. “They often want to be liked and can even have a tendency to tell people what they want to hear. This has resulted in them having a much harder time asking for what they want sexually as well as even just saying ‘no’ when they mean no. So it definitely stands to reason that some woman will be drawn to take the easy way out and ghost the dates that they no longer want to see. If you have trouble telling people what they don’t want to hear then it’s going to be pretty tough to tell them you no longer want to date them!”

Ashley Batz for Bustle

So often, women are trained not to embarrass anyone else, not to make anyone else feel uncomfortable — especially men. Society says that we should smile even when someone is creepy or aggressive. It says that, no matter how uncomfortable we feel, we need to protect those fragile masculine egos. So when it comes to heterosexual dating, things become really complicated. In a society where as women, we’re told to always be grateful for every scrap of male attention, it can still feel uncomfortable turning it down.

And if we feel awkward about politely refusing someone who harasses us for our number in a bar, it’s a lot more complicated when it comes to telling someone we’ve gone out with a few times that we’re no longer interested. We feel guilty that this person has invested energy, we worry that we’ve wasted their time — not to mention the fact that plenty of women are met with aggression or verbal abuse for politely refusing a man. Sure, ghosting someone isn’t the dream, but it’s easy to see how it happens, especially when women aren’t trained with the vocabulary to assert themselves or refuse men (and men aren’t trained to accept a woman’s decision either).

Even though we know it might not be the ideal thing to do in the long run, many of us are stuck, conflicted by an urge and duty to be upfront and a socialized obligation not to refuse men. “I definitely resonate with our team’s findings,” Corie Colliton, creative strategist at CreditLoan, tells Bustle. “From a personal standpoint, sometimes it’s just easier to let things fizzle than to dive into an awkward exchange. Women might be more likely to want to avoid hurting a date’s feelings, but that’s often what happens anyway when you ghost someone. The truth can sting, but it can also help someone move on with closure.” Of course, many men will take a polite rejection well, but as women, we are not trained to reject, talk about our needs, or even think that our opinions should matter. So sometimes, disappearing or fading away seems like the safest bet.

It’s really no surprise that we’re far more likely to ghost than men. In a society where we aren’t taught to use their voice — and when we do it’s not always respected — sometimes, we just won’t use it.

Long before mobile dating apps like Tinder became super prevalent for helping singles find a mate, Facebook was kind of a quiet, unsung hero of digital dating. Think about it: Though not expressly meant to ignite romantic sparks, the social-media network has connected countless people who went to the same college or met at an event or had a mutual digital friend. (It’s even how I initially started talking with my now-fiancé!). Now, Facebook is acknowledging its potentially unintended yet long fruitful matchmaking function with a new feature designed specifically to help users find a soul mate.

Facebook just announced it will add an optional dating layer to the mobile app that looks similar to other dating apps, the Verge reports. The feature launch date hasn’t yet been shared, but it will reportedly roll out after a testing phase later this year.

So what separates the Facebook dating feature from the other apps crowding the love-seeking market? There will be a heavy community focus that integrates events and groups already on the platform, so users will have conversation starters or even foolproof first-date ideas to suit both parties. Daters will also be able to chat with potential suitors in a thread that’s separate from Facebook Messenger.

“This is going to be for building real, long-term relationships—not just for hookups.” —Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO

“This is going to be for building real, long-term relationships—not just for hookups. We have designed this with privacy and safety in mind from the beginning,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says. (But considering the data breach that led to Zuckerberg’s congressional testimony in April, this bit is only somewhat comforting.) “Your friends aren’t going to see your profile, and you’re only going to be suggested to people who are not your friends,” he adds, pointing to how tough it can be to meet people who are actually new to your social sphere.

So, who knows? Once the feature launches, you might just find your one and only via none other than Facebook—and then change your status from “single” to “in a relationship.” And since your “define the relationship” conversation might yield nuanced language, maybe the platform will update those offerings next. “It’s complicated” to find your match, after all.

Here’s why most eligible singles say it’s important that a potential S.O. exercises regularly. Also, find out why men struggle with being single more than women do during the holidays.