Relationships Talk

In the election, you nearly doubled your seats. On the other hand, you’re not premier. Do you see it as a win or a loss?
It’s a bit of both. Not being able to implement our ideas is disappointing, but we will be a strong opposition to Mr. Ford. We’ll remind him that 60 per cent of voters didn’t choose him, or the public service reductions, layoffs and corporate tax cuts he represents.

Ideologically speaking, Ford is much further from you than Wynne was. Which would you rather have as premier?
I truly couldn’t decide. That’s a choice between two negatives. I voted for me.

Was sexism a factor in Ms. Wynne’s extreme unpopularity?
I don’t think so. She was elected as premier once before. It was her time to go.

Have you encountered sexism in this job?
Oh, always. Everywhere. Just recently, a Liberal MPP walked up to the front of the legislature, looked me in the eye and said “My, you’re looking lovely today.” What that had to do with the price of eggs, I have no idea.

A slew of new female NDP candidates were elected this time. What’s your advice to them regarding sexism?
That it will happen, and when it does, don’t stand for it. Call it out. Name it.

You’ve said some harsh things about Doug Ford. Now you have to work with him. What’s your relationship like?
We don’t have one. Frankly, I don’t know if we will.

He hasn’t invited you to the family ­barbecue?
No. Doug and I don’t run in the same circles. I am somebody who actually runs in everyday family circles, with everyday people. I don’t have a business in Chicago and fly there every other weekend.

There were dark days for you in 2014, after you prompted the election and Wynne swept her way to a majority. How close were you to resigning as leader?
I don’t give up easily. It was a disappointing time, but I emerged with the sense that people were ready to give me a second chance.

Employment-wise, you’d been in tough spots before. Hardest jobs: go.
Oh, where to start. Picking fruit, working in an industrial dry cleaner, waitressing at a mall. I was a short-order cook at a golf course and a cocktail waitress in Hamilton.

That last one was where you met Ben, a musician moonlighting as a DJ.
That’s right. It was the ’80s, so he was spinning a mix of disco and some newer stuff.

Your common-law relationship ended in late 2009, just after you were elected leader. Is it fair to say the two were related?
No, it had been rocky for a while. I don’t think a life in politics portends divorce any more than other high-­profile, high-pressure occupations.

Do you have a partner now?
I’m seeing someone, but it’s new. The person I turn to most for support is my son, Julian. He gives good advice.

He’s an aspiring rapper and a former dispensary employee. Was it a problem for you that he sold pot pre-legalization?
I wasn’t thrilled by the news but not shocked either. He has had a prescription for cannabis for some time.

How often do you see him?
Every time I’m home in Hamilton. He still lives with me in my condo there. He’s picked up a couple of part-time jobs, but they don’t seem to mix well with his music career. I told him I’d support him a bit longer, but, you know, he’s 25.

I sense a talk coming.
Oh, we’ve had it. He knows he’s on his last push.

What’s the best perk of being Opposition leader?
The new office will be nice. Back when I became leader of the NDP, I went to the government art holdings to find some paintings to put on the walls. It turned out that ­Kathleen Wynne had already gone in and plucked most of the ones I wanted. So maybe this time I’ll be able to go in and get some art that I like—mostly Canadian artists.

So there could have been a beautiful friendship there, but she stole your art?
Haha. Exactly. Go figure.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Opposites attract, or at least they do for psychologist, author of Introvert Power, and self-proclaimed introvert Laurie Helgoe, PhD: Her husband of 35 years is an extrovert.

Still, she tells me, extrovert-introvert relationships can be high maintenance (as anyone who’s ever been in one well knows). “The research seems to suggest that introvert-extrovert dynamics generally pose challenges for the relationship,” she tells me.

There are a lot of differences between those with extroverted personalities and those with introverted personalities—and they go much deeper than a preference for going out versus staying in—but one key variation between the two is often the culprit when conflict arises. “Generally, an extrovert is drawn to higher-stimulus activities and introverts are drawn to lower-stimulus activities,” Dr. Helgoe explains. “So introverts are usually trying to turn down the volume while extroverts are usually trying to turn it up.” Hence, tension.

With that said, Dr. Helgoe tells me that navigating such a relationship can actually help you grow in ways that dating someone who is more similar to you cannot. To help you make it work, she offers some tips for dating an introvert when you’re on the other end of the spectrum.

Keep reading to find out how to make your extrovert-introvert relationship work.

Photo: Stocksy/Luke Liable

1. Remember: Quiet does not mean disengaged

Introverts, says Dr. Helgoe, need a lot of time to process their thoughts before they speak. “We have a higher standard for what we put out,” she explains. “That doesn’t mean we’re better, it just means that we like to develop our ideas internally whereas an extrovert is more comfortable doing so relationally, putting out something that they might not have thought that much about and then kind of going back and forth on it.” Sometimes, she says, extroverts can misinterpret this lack of engagement as a lack of interest, which is just not the case. (It’s actually the opposite!)

2. Try not to talk over the silences

Therefore, to best enable dialogue with an introvert, she says, you need to give them space. This means not filling the dead air with conversation in order to avoid what you, as an extrovert, might perceive to be an awkward or uncomfortable silence. “It can be a conversation-stopper for an introvert if you get into that space too quickly,” Dr. Helgoe explains. “They will start to disengage because they don’t have time to process what you’re saying or think about how they want to respond.” If you allow them time to pause, on the other hand, you’ll likely “get something good” back and the convo can continue.

According to Dr. Helgoe, this knowledge should provide some relief for extroverts who often feel burdened to do all the work in a conversation. “Extroverts will be more likely to talk more when they’re anxious, so it might help to know that an introvert doesn’t really need you to do that—and in fact, might appreciate it if you just kinda look around and sip your coffee and do something else to fill that space,” Dr. Helgoe says.

3. Learn to read body language

With that said, sometimes conflict-adverse introverts can clam up when they’re upset about something, says Dr. Helgoe. And without verbal communication, you might understandably struggle to discern the difference between a pensive introvert and a pissed-off introvert. Dr. Helgoe advises paying attention to non-verbal cues, which she reiterates might be missed if you try to talk through the pauses. A furrowed brow, for example, might indicate the person is thinking (but not mad!), whereas crossed arms may suggest conflict is brewing.

4. Negotiate your social needs

As an extrovert, your need for stimulation often has you craving social situations, says Dr. Helgoe. Introverts, meanwhile, are easily overwhelmed by excess interpersonal interaction, especially if it takes place in big crowds (e.g. a party or a concert). Because of this disparity, compromise is often necessary. “The more that people can be upfront, especially early on in relationships, about what that sweet spot is for them and negotiate around that, I think the better the time the couple will have together,” she says.

This may mean devising a plan in which you attend a party for some finite amount of time before retreating into a more one-on-one situation. Or, Dr. Helgoe says, you can strike a more creative compromise. “An action movie might give the extrovert that stimulus [they crave] while the introvert gets to have a little bit of a break from social interaction,” she says. “So, that might be an example of something that works for both people.”

As an introvert myself, I’ve also found that a key component to navigating this often frustrating difference is to be okay with spending time apart, too. Though you may be bummed to have to go it alone to parties, doing so can help you get out of your comfort zone—which can be a very good thing. Plus, your introvert will be super happy to see you when you get home.

5. Set ground rules for fighting

Remember that whole conflict-adverse thing I mentioned earlier? It can be a huge issue in extrovert-introvert relationships, says Dr. Helgoe. “Fights can be highly stimulating,” she explains, which is why introverts tend to avoid them in favor of brooding. This can drive extroverts—who’d prefer to just hash it out and move on—crazy. To set yourself up for successful conflict resolution, Dr. Helgoe says the first step is to set ground rules. For the extrovert, this might mean asking your significant other to just tell you when they’re upset, assuring them you don’t mind being confronted in the same way they do.

Because introverts tend to need time to process their thoughts, you may need to make room in the process for that as well, Dr. Helgoe says. When I tell her I drive everyone in my life crazy by fighting via email rather than in person because I can’t think clearly when confronted, she tells me this is normal for introverts. Extroverts, who do better with face-to-face conflict, however, don’t need to sacrifice their comfort own level to accommodate their partner’s needs. Instead, Dr. Helgoe suggests they ask introverts who rely on this method of expression to instead read them what they’ve written.

If you do find yourself sparring with an introvert, Dr. Helgoe cautions that you need to be careful not to immediately bulldoze them—ensuring an unfair fight—by raising your voice. “Introverts tend to be highly sensitive individuals, so if somebody’s angry they might over-interpret its severity, actually,” she explains. “Therefore, a little goes a long way with them.”

This, Dr. Helgoe says, is where the introvert may need to reaffirm their boundaries. “[They might be like], ‘Hey, I can’t really process this when you’re talking so loud, can you tone it down?’ or ‘You seem agitated, can we talk about this later when you’re calmer?’” she suggests. Honoring these requests, she says, will help the introvert to actually hear you out. “So much of successful conflict resolution is negotiating in this way so there’s more room for both of you to tell your story.”

Still on rocky ground? Here are 6 signs it’s time for the relationship to end. And if it does, you’re probably going to need these 7 tips for staying happy, confident, and sane while online dating.

Photo Illustration by Alicia Tatone

Let her go, man.

Now that Jennifer Lopez has found love with retired Yankees player Alex Rodriguez, she’s ready to spread the love far and wide. In a new video for Tinder’s “Swipe Sessions,” Lopez sits down with Brooke to help her find her match on the dating app.

Lopez offered up a few tips on maximizing Brooke’s dating profile and who she should be swiping right for. “Guys, until they’re 33, are really useless,” Lopez joked while weeding out Brooke’s potential matches. (Hmm, Lopez’s ex before linking up with the 42-year-old Rodriguez was 31-year-old dancer Casper Smart…)

Soak in some more of Lopez’s romantic advice in the video below: