Relationships Talk

Now that it’s 2018, we’ve gotten used to ghosting, aka pulling the disappearing act to break things off with someone, as an unfortunate but all-too-present part of dating. And when we wonder why people ghost, we normally reach to easy answers. We tell ourselves that they’re scared or lazy or that all this technology we’re using is ruining us. But it may be a little more complicated than that.

New data from CreditLoan, a financial advice site, found that women were more than 150 percent more likely to ghost than men were. CreditLoan asked 1,136 adults of different ages and sexual orientations about their dating habits. Though ghosting had happened to over a third of people, there were a lot of big differences in how men and women ended relationships — and women were far more likely to ghost. What was really interesting is that we often think of ghosting as an example of millennials just being trash, but that really wasn’t the case. The gender divide was much larger than the generation divide. In fact, Millennials, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers all ghosted with very similar frequency. The real difference was between men and women.

Why are women more likely to ghost? So many people are quick to write ghosting off as being cowardly behavior, but it can also be that the decision to ghost is informed by larger gender norms. Women often find it more difficult to be confrontational than men — not because we’re cowards, but because, basically, society tells us to keep our mouth shut and not to upset anyone.

“Women have definitely been socialized to be pleasing and deferential to men,” relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW tells Bustle. “They often want to be liked and can even have a tendency to tell people what they want to hear. This has resulted in them having a much harder time asking for what they want sexually as well as even just saying ‘no’ when they mean no. So it definitely stands to reason that some woman will be drawn to take the easy way out and ghost the dates that they no longer want to see. If you have trouble telling people what they don’t want to hear then it’s going to be pretty tough to tell them you no longer want to date them!”

Ashley Batz for Bustle

So often, women are trained not to embarrass anyone else, not to make anyone else feel uncomfortable — especially men. Society says that we should smile even when someone is creepy or aggressive. It says that, no matter how uncomfortable we feel, we need to protect those fragile masculine egos. So when it comes to heterosexual dating, things become really complicated. In a society where as women, we’re told to always be grateful for every scrap of male attention, it can still feel uncomfortable turning it down.

And if we feel awkward about politely refusing someone who harasses us for our number in a bar, it’s a lot more complicated when it comes to telling someone we’ve gone out with a few times that we’re no longer interested. We feel guilty that this person has invested energy, we worry that we’ve wasted their time — not to mention the fact that plenty of women are met with aggression or verbal abuse for politely refusing a man. Sure, ghosting someone isn’t the dream, but it’s easy to see how it happens, especially when women aren’t trained with the vocabulary to assert themselves or refuse men (and men aren’t trained to accept a woman’s decision either).

Even though we know it might not be the ideal thing to do in the long run, many of us are stuck, conflicted by an urge and duty to be upfront and a socialized obligation not to refuse men. “I definitely resonate with our team’s findings,” Corie Colliton, creative strategist at CreditLoan, tells Bustle. “From a personal standpoint, sometimes it’s just easier to let things fizzle than to dive into an awkward exchange. Women might be more likely to want to avoid hurting a date’s feelings, but that’s often what happens anyway when you ghost someone. The truth can sting, but it can also help someone move on with closure.” Of course, many men will take a polite rejection well, but as women, we are not trained to reject, talk about our needs, or even think that our opinions should matter. So sometimes, disappearing or fading away seems like the safest bet.

It’s really no surprise that we’re far more likely to ghost than men. In a society where we aren’t taught to use their voice — and when we do it’s not always respected — sometimes, we just won’t use it.

Long before mobile dating apps like Tinder became super prevalent for helping singles find a mate, Facebook was kind of a quiet, unsung hero of digital dating. Think about it: Though not expressly meant to ignite romantic sparks, the social-media network has connected countless people who went to the same college or met at an event or had a mutual digital friend. (It’s even how I initially started talking with my now-fiancé!). Now, Facebook is acknowledging its potentially unintended yet long fruitful matchmaking function with a new feature designed specifically to help users find a soul mate.

Facebook just announced it will add an optional dating layer to the mobile app that looks similar to other dating apps, the Verge reports. The feature launch date hasn’t yet been shared, but it will reportedly roll out after a testing phase later this year.

So what separates the Facebook dating feature from the other apps crowding the love-seeking market? There will be a heavy community focus that integrates events and groups already on the platform, so users will have conversation starters or even foolproof first-date ideas to suit both parties. Daters will also be able to chat with potential suitors in a thread that’s separate from Facebook Messenger.

“This is going to be for building real, long-term relationships—not just for hookups.” —Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO

“This is going to be for building real, long-term relationships—not just for hookups. We have designed this with privacy and safety in mind from the beginning,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says. (But considering the data breach that led to Zuckerberg’s congressional testimony in April, this bit is only somewhat comforting.) “Your friends aren’t going to see your profile, and you’re only going to be suggested to people who are not your friends,” he adds, pointing to how tough it can be to meet people who are actually new to your social sphere.

So, who knows? Once the feature launches, you might just find your one and only via none other than Facebook—and then change your status from “single” to “in a relationship.” And since your “define the relationship” conversation might yield nuanced language, maybe the platform will update those offerings next. “It’s complicated” to find your match, after all.

Here’s why most eligible singles say it’s important that a potential S.O. exercises regularly. Also, find out why men struggle with being single more than women do during the holidays.

(TNS)

Tribune News Service

Lifestyle Budget for Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Updated at 4:30 a.m. EDT (0830 UTC).

This budget is now available on the web at http://www.tribunenewsservice.com, with direct links to stories and art. See details at the end of the budget.

^TOP STORIES<

^’I can get up every day and feel good about what I’m doing.’ St. Louis bakery offers felons work, second chances<

^LIFE-BAKER-FELONS:SL—<Bakers at a small downtown shop here need not have prior kitchen experience. Just a felony record.

Laughing Bear Bakery founder Kalen McAllister never asks job candidates what landed them behind bars. She just hopes her growing nonprofit can keep them from going back by providing above-minimum-wage pay, a place to learn job skills and build a work history, and a support network to lean on in tough times.

“I don’t care what they did in the past,” said McAllister, 66, a Buddhist priest and retired chaplain at the Farmington Correctional Center. “I only care what they do this day forward.”

1000 by Nassim Benchaabane in St. Louis. MOVED

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^Facing eviction, Las Vegas Trail activist given new home to help under-served children<

^LIFE-HOME-UNDERSERVED-YOUTH:FT—<Las Vegas Trail Revitalization Project member Abdul Chappell, the facilitator of after-school programs for children at the Villas Del Mar apartments, where he is being targeted for eviction by new ownership, is receiving a helping hand to relocate.

Howard Gyler, owner of Garland-based Gyler Management Inc., said he has negotiated a deal in which he will pay one year’s advance rent, nearly $11,000, for Chappell to live and run his programs at the Villas at Sierra Vista apartments, located at the southeast corner of Las Vegas Trail and Calmont Avenue.

Chappell can move in on May 9.

650 by Jeff Caplan in Fort Worth, Texas. MOVED

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^Health summit offers parolees a chance to ease back into society<

^HEALTH-SUMMIT-PAROLEES:TB—<The sales pitch — mostly two main questions and a promise — was similar for each of the hundreds who filed past the vendor’s table.

“Are you working? Do you need a job? We can get you one.”

Still, the resource expo held recently at Painters District Council No. 30 on Sequoia Drive in Aurora was hardly typical. For one thing, the event was billed as a Summit of Health. And most of the 30-plus vendors were, indeed, from groups that dealt with mental illness, substance abuse and anger management.

But the expo also connected those attending to other community resources necessary to be healthy in mind and body all of which are critical to these 350 invited guests, as the summit was sponsored by the Illinois Department of Corrections for parolees and probationers to help them assimilate back into society.

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^HOME-LIONEL-RICHIE-BEDDING:DA—<Grammy winner Lionel Richie has another talent acquired on the road. The singer-songwriter’s demanding international travels have led him to some of the world’s finest hotels.

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^St. Louis group that supports women-led startups expands into six new cities<

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^Chicago women’s breast imprints part of River North art exhibit<

^LIFE-ART-BREAST-IMPRINTS:TB—<Sixty breasts imprinted in paint will be displayed as part of a celebration of female empowerment in a River North art installation.

350 by Alison Bowen, in Chicago. MOVED

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^INSPIRATION<

^Light Notes: Mother, the dew always will be on your roses<

^RELIG-LIGHTNOTES-MOTHERS-DAY:PK—<Looking back, it seems like only yesterday.

There I was, perched precariously on the edge of the church pew like a small bird ready for flight. My tiny feet didn’t even reach the floor.

But I was secure. Mother sat beside me.

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RELIG-SPIRITUAL-LIFE:PK

Inspirational piece.

(Will not move this week.)

^RELATIONSHIPS<

^Erika Ettin: To share or not to share<

^RELATE-DATING-TIPS:MCT—<Someone on my mailing list, not a client, but a person, who seeks dating advice, asked me this question via email recently:

“Is it good to have some secrets in a relationship? Isn’t that one of the many things that attracts a person a little mystery? Are there things that you should always keep to yourself?”

550 by Erika Ettin. MOVED

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^Barton Goldsmith: Mom’s deserve love<

^RELATE-RELATIONSHIPS:MCT—<When I was growing up, Mother’s Day was right up there with Christmas. The energy around the house was always positive, mostly thanks to my father who made sure that his kids appreciated their mother. And no matter what day it was, that attitude was paramount around our house.

600 by Barton Goldsmith. MOVED

^PETS<

^These puppies may be Maryland’s first cloned dogs, and superheroes in their own right<

^SCI-CLONED-PUPS:BZ—<— A Bel Air woman loves her long-haired chihuahua so much that she paid a Texas animal cloning company $50,000 so that her dog — or a version of him — will be at her side forever.

Five puppies who are genetically identical to the dog, named Bruce Wayne, were born in October and thrived. Four went to live with Bruce and his owner, Meesha Kauffman, while the fifth lives now with a friend of Kauffman’s in Baltimore.

700 by Mary Carole McCauley in Bel Air, Md. MOVED

PHOTO

^Boynton votes to allow dogs on the beach for trial period<

^PETS-BEACH-DOGS:FL—<Boynton Beach commissioners voted 3-2 to allow dogs on the beach at Oceanfront Park on a trial basis for limited days a month.

150 by Marci Shatzman in Boynton Beach, Fla. MOVED

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^PETS-PETVET:MO—< Q&A with a California veterinarian by Dr. Jeff Kahler.(Will not move this week.)

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^PETS-TALKINGDOGS:MO—<Animal behaviorist talks about living with pets.

By Lisa Moore (not moving; moves once a month).

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