Relationships Talk

HOW far would you go to make him put a ring on it?

Controversial dating coach Sami Wunder claims wannabe wives should scrap playing cosy couples when they want their bloke to propose — and make him sit up and take notice by seeing other guys.

Love guru reveals how to land and keep Mr Right – from dating other men to when to say ‘I love you’

Self-styled “Get The Ring” teacher Sami has been helping women find men and persuade them to go down on one knee for the past two years.
And so far her unconventional commitment-capturing methods, dubbed “rotational dating”, have resulted in 96 engagements, numerous pregnancies and many more happy-ever-afters.

German-based Sami’s tactics came from her own experience as she tried to find a soulmate.

The 29-year-old, who previously worked as a consultant for an international development organisation, says: “Eight years ago I was single, going through an intense dating period and I knew something had to change.

This image file can be used under licence provided any use has been agreed with Carl Fox a

‘Get The Ring’ teacher Sami has been helping wanabe wives for the past two years

“I wanted marriage and kids but men I met just wanted to go to the bedroom.

“I wasn’t OK with being test driven. It was heart-breaking and it made me feel cheap.

“I saw one man for two months and really thought he was The One — until he ended it. That was when I realised I was treating men as the prize and I needed to be the prize for them.”

Sami’s dating lightbulb moment came from watching how love rivals would successfully bag their diamonds.

She noticed some women who went on to land their dream man initially stayed cool around the object of their affections.

Instead of clamouring for ­official girlfriend status, they were still playing the field and continuing to have other flings.

Sami, who calls the women she coaches The Wunder Divas, says: “I saw the best way to get a man to commit was to decline being his girlfriend in the beginning and to continue seeing other men. The more you like a man, the more you need to step back from him. Don’t chase him, don’t ask him where it’s going, do not let him become the catch – remember YOU are the prize.”

COLLECT

Original ‘Wunder Diva’ Sami found husband Chris by following the Seven C’s and Three A’s rulebook

Soon afterwards Sami, who is originally from India but ­currently commutes between the UK and her home in Germany, met her husband Chris, who works in the aerospace industry.

They met while both studying at the University of Berlin.

Sensing the 31-year-old was The One, she tested out her new multiple dating — or “rotational” — tactics. She refused to commit and continued dating other guys unless Chris was prepared to be her “forever man”.

Sami says: “After two months Chris and I went for lunch and he said, ‘Where is this going? I’d like you to be my girlfriend’.

“I told him I really liked him but I didn’t want to be any man’s girlfriend. I wanted a ­family, kids and to settle down and I would not accept any ­commitment less than marriage.

“Of course I didn’t want to put pressure on him and it was his choice to stay or leave. But until he made a solid offer, I said I would like to keep my options open in a non-sexual way and be open to the man who was ready for a full commitment.

“I still remember his first ­reaction — shock, disbelief and silence. We kissed goodbye and I did not hear from him for two days. Then he asked me out again. On our next date he told me I had really ‘made him think’ about what he wanted out of this, and he would love to see where the relationship could go.”

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If you want to find and keep The One, do Not use the Seven C’s

It worked, and nine months later the couple married. It is now five years since their wedding and they have a two-year-old son, Aaron.

After achieving her dream of having a family, Sami realised her rotational dating insights could help other unlucky-in-love ladies secure fiancée status.

Sami says: “Rotational dating simply means dating more than one guy at a time, and that when you meet someone you think could be your future life-partner, you should initially refuse to be his girlfriend.

“You continue spending time with other men and only offer your commitment and exclusivity to a man who is prepared to offer you the same in return.

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But Do implement the Three A’s and Sami says you’ll get him to commit

“Be upfront about it. Explain that, for now, you are still seeing other people and tell him if you sleep with them you will say so.

“The method is for women who know they want to settle down and be a wife.

“It isn’t manipulation. It’s about owning your worth in front of men and not wasting time accepting less than you want. If you want marriage and multiple dating means the guy you like stops calling you and disappears, then he is not interested enough.”

Sami, who also refers to herself as a Get-Wildly-Successful-At-Love coach, insists her dating advice is not necessarily about passionate bed-hopping.

She says: “Seeing several men doesn’t mean sleeping with them all.

If you want to have sex on your different dates then it’s your shout. But I would always advise holding off as long as possible.

Alamy

Rememebr, YOU are the prize – not him – so hold off and don’t waste your time

“Instead, have connection dates. Go for coffee or walks and talk.

Not having sex won’t frighten a man if he’s serious about you.

“Always remember you want him to crave that commitment with you.”

Sami claims she has advised around 40,000 women worldwide on love through her online and offline dating communities. But, once you have secured a rock and made your vows, it takes work to make the relationship last and Sami says the key is having distinct individual roles.

She says: “A ­couple needs one partner to have masculine energy and the other to have feminine energy.

“Masculine energy means things such as planning, seizing the lead and taking action. And the role of feminine energy is to receive it, to be soft, allow things and to be in the moment.

“It’s OK if a woman wants to have the masculine energy, but I believe in a couple women should apply their feminine energy. It’s not about being weak or a doormat. Men enjoy being masculine.”

Sami also says coupled-up women should avoid what she labels the “seven Cs”. She explains: “Criticising, complaining, comparing, coddling, correcting, controlling and changing. All of these will push men away.”

Instead, they should implement the “three As”, which are to ­appreciate, accept and affirm their man. These, she insists, will inspire his love.

She says: “With the obvious exceptions of unreasonable ­behaviour, stop trying to change your man and accept that his habits are here to stay. Men will never respond to nagging. They thrive on appreciation.”

Sami also cautions that women should not be lulled into saying the L-word too early.

She says: “Even if you’re ­feeling the urge, don’t rush into saying, ‘I love you’. It’s better if he says it to you first.”

Sami’s one-on-one love coaching does not come cheap. Packages start from just under £1,750 — while a five-month intensive programme, designed to help women attract a partner and get that proposal — costs £13,300. For even more loaded singletons, six months of individual coaching will cost £26,000.

But those without that kind of cash should not despair.
Sami also offers free advice online at samiwunder.com, or you can buy her e-book dating manual, called Your Feminine Roadmap To His Commitment, for £14.

And despite protests from some members of the opposite sex about her methods, which can seem designed to cold-heartedly “hook” them, Sami insists: “I’m not anti-men. I love them.

“Blokes think I’m against them but they aren’t honest with themselves about what they want.

“They try to fight it but really they like it, that’s why it works.”

It wasn’t as easy as you’d think.

By Jen Glantz 

When I go big, I like to go really over-the-top — extreme big. If I’m having brunch, and I have decided I’m going to go big, I’ll order the tofu breakfast burrito, the oatmeal, a stack of pancakes, with a side of hash browns, an acai bowl, and a pastry sampler.

However, dating was never something I wanted to go big with. I enjoyed going on one, or two, first dates, every season, coming home from them, rolling my eyes, deleting my love-finding apps, and finding a lot of solace in low-calorie ice cream. I didn’t know if I’d find love, but I was willing to stay at home, in my comfiest pajamas, binge-watching shows saved on my DVR, until love found me.

Until it didn’t.

I was a few months away from my 28th birthday, scrolling through Facebook and seeing all of my friends post photos with their husbands, with their babies, with their mortgaged houses, and I started to get an urge to do something about the state of my own union. I decided to go big. Going on less than a handful of dates every 90 days wasn’t getting me closer to meeting the love of my life; it was just making me defeated and nervous that I’d never find my match. So I decided, if I was going to do something to propel my love life forward, it should be going on 14 dates in just one month.

I picked the number 14 because it happened to be February, and I wanted to do something to stick it to my single status on Valentine’s Day. I downloaded a few dating apps on February 1st and scheduled my first three dates during the first week of the month. My experiment took me until the end of the 28 days of the month to complete, and while I didn’t find the man of my dreams, I found out a lot of really interesting things about myself, dating, and the human beings who swiped right and agreed to meet me in real life. 

Here are the top lessons and dating advice I learned from going on 14 dates in just one month. 

RELATED: I Tried A Dating Site Where Guys PAY To Go On A Date With Me

1. Give people a chance.

When I set in stone my firm goal of going on 14 dates in one month, that meant I had to find 14 people who would go out with me. It wasn’t as easy as you’d think. I used just one dating app, and on there I vowed to say yes to anyone who asked me out. That got me on my first ten dates, but for the final four, I had to get aggressive. I would ask out anyone who I matched with, writing them a hello greeting, and following it up with a date and location of a proposed date. I didn’t waste time waiting for them to make plans or to ask me out; I did all the dirty work. 

What I began to notice was that a lot of the people I found myself most attracted to in person, weren’t people I liked when I saw their profiles online. I used to spend so much time judging photos and bios when it was more important to glaze over that and meet them in person. Through this experiment, I gave people more of a chance, and that made all of the difference. It allowed me to remember to get offline quickly with my matches, or else I’d over think the whole thing.

2. Keep your dates short. 

One of the reasons I dreaded first dates was that I felt like they would last an eternity. I’d be stuck on a date for three hours without an exit strategy, becoming annoyed with the person I was on a date with and feeling extra resentful toward them for keeping me away from my couch and my Netflix account.

When I did the 14 dates, I would sometimes book two or three dates a day. That meant I had to set time limits on the dates. No date went for more than one hour, and most lasted 30 to 45 minutes. That was enough time to spend with a total stranger from the Internet during our first time meeting. If there was a spark, or we had a good time, the second date could flow longer. But I began to learn, and love, that placing a time limit on a first date makes it more digestible to get through.

RELATED: 5 Amazing First Date Ideas That Are WAY Better Than Dinner And A Movie

3. Go beneath the surface. 

First date conversations can be generic and surface level. I was sick and tired of walking away from a date just learning about how the person who sat across from me felt about the weather, their hobbies, and their job. I wanted more out of date one. I wanted to know their hopes and their dreams, or just even a few things they were extra passionate about. 

That’s when I started realizing that If I wanted the first dates to be memorable enough for me to decide whether or not I’d ever want to see that person again, I had to start asking better questions. I had to go beneath the surface. I started asking questions about what their last big mistake was or their number one failure. I began to unlock conversations that turned these strangers into friends, and from there, occasionally, into potential love interests. Instead of talking about the usual things on a date, I got a lot more out of asking weird and unusual questions that made the other person think and made me understand them a whole lot better.

4. Accept that dating can be an adventure.

After many of these 14 dates, I came home and felt defeated. It was hard going on date after date with so many Mr. Wrongs. But the good part of being so committed to a 14-date experiment was that I wasn’t going to give up, even though I wanted to. 

On each date, whether good or bad, I started to realize that dating is more straightforward than it seems. It’s just two strangers, sitting down together for a little bit of time, getting to know one another, and making a decision whether they want to see the other person again. Weaved through it all are bizarre stories, strange comments, and awkward moments, like when the bill arrives, and nobody knows who should pay for what.

It’s an adventure, but a good one, even when the date doesn’t go well. I began looking forward to first dates, excited to learn a new thing or two from a new person, even if they weren’t the right person for me and my future.

RELATED: I Tried A Dating App That Matches You Based On The Things You Hate

This article was originally published at Ravishly. Reprinted with permission from the author.

THEY’RE better known for advice on cutlery etiquette and when how to address royalty but Debrett’s have waded in on the online dating scene.

The genteel company is offering advice to the over 50s on how to negotiate the tricky world of dating hook-ups in the 21st century.

Debrett’s want to help the silver surfers find love

Research has shown that almost a million over 50s would like to go on dating sites but have no idea how to ‘Swipe Right’ or meet people IRL (in real life).

The new online Guide to 50+ Dating — a collaboration between Debrett’s  and the Ourtime dating service for older people — is aimed at helping those who want to get back in the dating scene but “need a helping hand to get started”.

Here are some of the tips the new manual gives:

Polishing Your Profile

Ourtime found that 56 per cent of over 50s would use a photo that is over 10 years old to impress potential dates but Debrett’s warn against deception.

The guide advises that the profile picture should be “no more than a year old”.

It says “There’s no point trying to mislead your date if you ever hope to meet in person.”

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Nearly a million over 50s would be prepared to try online dating

Confidant Communication

Almost two-thirds of over 50s feel less confident now than when they were younger and almost half of women said they were too nervous to make the first contact with an online match.

Debrett’s advises women that it’s OK to make the first move.

It adds:  “Keep your first message light-hearted and brief, and make it personal: mentioning something you particularly like about a person’s profile will show that you’re singling them out.

“Don’t be creepy, though: it’s far too early for come-ons or innuendo.”

Make the Meeting Memorable

The manual advises that after five messages, “it makes sense to take the initiative and propose a date”.

It adds: “Tailor the date around a shared interest, like a visit to an exhibition.”

It also tells readers it’s fine to kiss on the first date.

It reads: “Modern romance often involves a briefer ‘courting’ period, so don’t feel you’re jeopardising future prospects if your instincts are telling you to throw caution to the wind”.

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Making the meeting memorable could be the key to success

The Follow Up

How long do you wait to message after the first date? This dilemma is one for all ages.

Debrett’s advises: “Strategic delay is not necessary” and says a friendly text message within 24 hours of meeting is the norm.

But “ghosting” is not polite.

It says: “It’s best to be honest from the outset and say how much you enjoyed meeting them, but that you would prefer to remain friends.”

Getting Closer

The guide includes a chapter on how to move things on after the first date.

According to Debrett’s, “After three or more dates, you will usually have a sense of whether or not you would like to make it exclusive”.

But if it doesn’t work out, Kate from Ourtime says, “Never give up, there are almost 1 million single over 50’s in the UK who are already online dating and waiting to meet someone new”.

Divorcee Karen recently revealed why she uses online dating at 53 – and said younger men were lining up to date her.

Catch up with our unlucky-in-love Tinderella’s latest antics here.