Tag Archives: dating advice
The 9 Best Pieces Of Dating Advice From Your Mom That You Should Actually Listen To
Your mom’s dating advice may not always seem that relevant, but there may be more to her comments than you think. While maybe not everything about her dating life can apply to yours, there are some important things to listen to from her end. In the end, old-fashioned dating advice from your mom may actually be able to help you get what you want in love. Of course, you don’t want to mimic everything about dating in previous generations, but as you turn away from anything “old-fashioned,” you may miss some sage pieces of advice that are actually relevant.
“In terms of dating, young people can learn a lot from their baby boomer parents that will actually help them to become better daters and be able to discover what behavior is unacceptable from their dates,” relationship expert and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport, tells Bustle. So if you’ve been ignoring advice just because it’s coming from your mom, maybe now is the time to listen up.
While your mom might still be stressed out by the mere thought of dating apps, she might have some advice up her sleeve that can still apply in the world of modern romance. You just have to listen closely. Here are nine dating tips from your mom you might want to actually take.
1Talk On The Phone
Ashley Batz/Bustle
It may feel weird when a date calls you, because our generation is so texting-oriented, but consider this advice from your mom as a serious suggestion. “So much is lost in translation; especially when a relationship is new,” Dr. Kendra Kubala, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, tells Bustle. “Avoid miscommunication via texting, and have a conversation.” Plus, there’s a special little rush knowing someone is taking their time to hear your voice.
2Focus On Your Manners
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
It doesn’t have to be a loaded conversation to suggest being kind to your partner, and even practice a little bit of etiquette. “Be gracious and kind and even go the extra mile by being on time, holding a door open, and being attentive,” Dr. Kubala says. “Although it seems this way lately, appearing disinterested does not make one appear cool. If you decide not to pursue the relationship further, communicate this directly to the person without ghosting.” You don’t need to do anything over-the-top, but your mom’s advice about putting your phone down on a date might actually be a good move.
3Maintain A Level Of Privacy
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
It’s a good thing that this generation is more open talking about sex, and other aspects of relationships, with their friends. But your mom’s advice to maintain a level of privacy about your relationship might actually be helpful.
“Keep some things private,” Dr. Kubala says. “‘Not everything is for everyone’ is a good motto to keep in mind.” Keeping the photos of you making out to a minimum, and discussing with your partner what makes them feel comfortable in terms of social media presence and PDA, can be helpful.
4Really Get To Know The Person You’re Dating
Ashley Batz/Bustle
In the name of keeping up appearances, or trying to seem chill, you may be missing out on really getting to know people. “Do not try to jump into a relationship without getting to know someone first,” Rappaport says. “It is always a good idea to view dating as an opportunity to get to know someone so you can determine if they would make a good partner. Dating is an essential tool … Take your time and don’t rush.” Going on dates, and learning about someone bit by bit, may seem old fashioned, but it’s likely a good bet.
5If You Want To Make It Official, Do It
Ashley Batz/Bustle
If casual relationships are your thing, then more power to you. But if you’re seeing someone you like, do what your mom would tell you to do and actually tell the person how you feel.
“Make it official,” Dr. Kubala says. “Whatever mode you choose, be open about having the conversation with your partner.” This sense of security and partnership can be a really good feeling. And if the person you’re seeing isn’t on the same page as you, you’ll have the benefit of knowing it sooner rather than later.
6Quit Playing Emotional Games
Ashley Batz/Bustle
Playing games may feel like the norm, and sometimes it may even feel fun. But your mom is right: it is a mark of immaturity.
“You may fall for someone who sweeps you off your feet,” Rappaport says. “It is important to maintain objectivity and not let them play games with you and your emotions. Immaturity takes many forms and you need to be mindful of recognizing when someone love bombs, breadcrumbs or ghosts you.” All of these games have their names that your mom might not know, but you should know that you deserve more than this kind of behavior.
7Be Mindful About Sex
Ashley Batz/Bustle
You may bemoan your mom’s prudish view of sexuality, so it’s easy to forget that you at least partially have your parents’ generation to thank for sexual liberation. So try applying some of her views on sex with nuance. “It is [often] a good idea to avoid having sex with someone until you get to know them and feel safe with them,” Rappaport says. Adding an additional layer of thought before jumping into bed is still entirely possible, even as a sex-positive person, and your mom will likely be glad that you’re being more mindful.
8Don’t Just Do What Everyone Else Is Doing
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Maybe you’ve heard your mom echo this advice on different stages throughout your life, but it’s worth listening to once again as you navigate the world of dating.
“Sometimes being in a relationship is driven by not wanting to miss out,” psychotherapist and relationship expert Kelly Bos tells Bustle. “If you find yourself single, or in between relationships, make the most of the time to yourself.” Remember how your mom used to say “if this person jumped off a cliff, would you?” and take inventory on your motivations for finding love.
9Expect Respect
Hannah Burton/Bustle
Your mom may have a lot of expectations when it comes to dating, but first and foremost, moms mostly want to make sure you’re being honored and respected. You don’t have to follow the same rules of respect that her generation did, but you can heed her advice by demanding a level of respect from your dates.
“Your date(s) should always treat you with respect,” Rappaport says, “…. You deserve to feel good about yourself and that someone really cares about you.” It’s hard to argue with a mom about this basic level of dignity.
No matter how your mom was raised, she likely has a few pearls of wisdom when it comes to dating. Experts agree that if you distill some of her life lessons, you may be able to find some applicable advice for the modern dating world. This kind of advice has likely been right under your nose for a while: You just need to look at it more closely.
Our All-Time Best Collection of Top 10 Dating Tips
This will be the last article we share on this platform as we welcome amazing, new opportunities for Stellar Hitch that will require even more of our time and commitment.
For our bittersweet farewell, we’ve compiled a list of our 10-best game-changing dating tips and considerations that will get you a step closer to your One:
- Date out of your comfort zone. Trust us on this. Let go of what you think your type is; it’s too limiting. We have tons of successful love stories where one or both parties bent their rules and fell in love with someone who didn’t fit into their box.
- Put as much energy into your dating life as you do your career. Lazy dating, geographic limitations and just half-a**ing it will get you half-a** results. Commit to the process. It’s the only way to find quality.
- Ask yourself often: What kind of relationship do I want to have? Go into detail, feel the experience of being with that person, imagine what you’re doing together, talking about, laughing about…These answers will help you refine what’s truly important to you and will help you let go of what’s not.
- Turn your Green Light On. Look at people, smile at people, talk to people. Connect IRL. Slow down, be accessible; your light shines brightest when you play.
- Best question to ask (and answer) on a first date: How are you crazy? According to British philosopher and author, Alain de Botton, you might as well find out now and decide if you can live with it.
- First dates are wonky. Never expect perfection, always be compassionate. We are all just doing the best we can; dating is hard for everyone. Be kind. If the date was ‘good enough’, that’s a win.
- The person you just met has a life so don’t get upset or jump to conclusions that they’re not really interested if they’re not available to see you when you are. That’s petulant. Give someone the benefit of the doubt but pay attention to their follow-up actions. People will make time for what’s important to them.
- Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? There’s not a more critical time to pay attention to your image, style, fitness level, body language, posture, etc. than when you’re single. Fair or not, the way we look and carry ourselves is our most powerful calling card in dating.
- If you’re half-intrigued by someone, see them again. You owe it to yourself to stay open and stay the hell out of your head. Falling in love is not an analytical decision; it’s a feeling. Stop trying to figure out what you think about the person and focus on how you feel. Heart stays true, mind is a zoo.
- The #1 quality to look for in a relationship: do they have the skills to build? This means building a foundation (relationship), stability (consistency), intimacy (healthy communication), wealth (define this together) and family (your team). Anything less than that is just spinning your wheels and waiting for the ride to end.
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Please get in touch if we can help you in any way.
To love!
Expect good things…
-Cristina and Andrea
Remember Dane Cook? He's Back with Advice for Dating a 19-Year-Old When You're in Your 40s
Standup comic Dane Cook rose to fame in the early 2000s, inspiring headlines like, “Is Dane Cook actually funny?” and earning the affection of my middle school friends (and fans of his) who would gush, “Dane Cook is so hot!” He also scored leading roles in movies like My Best Friend’s Girl, Employee of the Month, and Good Luck Chuck. And though he’s had regular work since then, we hadn’t heard much about him … until now.
Cook is back in the zeitgeist not because of a new comedy special or a scandal (2018 is the year of the scandal, no?), but rather, his love life. The funny man, 46, has been dating a 19-year-old singer named Kelsi Taylor for a year, and while people let that slip under the radar (same can’t be said for you, Sean Penn), it was brought back to our collective conscious thanks to Cook’s recent Instagram Story.
According to People, Cook participated in a brief Q&A session this week and addressed the giant elephant in the room: his and Taylor’s age gap. A fan asked, “What advice do you have to those in age gap relationships?” to which he replied, “The only thing you have to do is plan that your deaths will be somewhat far apart.” Ladies and gentlemen, Dane Cook.
From the brief session, followers learned that the couple met at a game night he hosted at his “place” after they’d been “friends for a while” (no word on how far back a “while” goes) and they eventually fell in love. Luckily for Cook, Taylor’s family is A-OK with them being together (“I love her family and we are pretty close and do dinner and hang”) and his approves as well.
RELATED: Are Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson Summer’s Hottest Couple?
As for what he sees in her? He says she’s “smart, kind, creative, loyal & honest.” Sweet.
Taylor regularly shares updates about their romance on her Instagram, so … best of luck, guys!
She moved on because he didn't text enough
Dear Carolyn: I would like to hear your thoughts on what happened with a girl I was dating for two months. We went on dates every weekend, where I also stayed at her place. We texted each other during the week. On our last date, she said I don’t text enough and that she had started to chat with someone on a dating app because of it.
They have been on two dates and she is interested in him, and can’t date two guys.
I wonder now if I had offered to be exclusive, whether that would have changed anything. I don’t understand why she couldn’t have just talked to me instead of jumping to another guy.
– A.
Because she’s a really bad bet and you’re lucky to be out before you got any more deeply invested.
For what it’s worth, if she had been completely straight-up about her weirdly specific texting needs and her interest in meeting other people, and if she didn’t pull the feeble stunt of blaming her actions on you, then we’d be talking about a much better person – and you’d still be better off out of the relationship. Not interested is not interested.
As long as you did your best, there’s nothing else you can do about it except recognize she wasn’t the right person for you.
And if you didn’t do your best, then apply any lessons you learned about yourself to any relationships you have from now on.
Dear Carolyn: As a woman (of any age) in this postmodern, “woke” era: How does one distinguish the fine line between “compromising with” versus “submitting to” a man within a relationship?
– M.
Compromise is when both people give a little to their mutual benefit.
Submission is when only one person gives to the other’s benefit.
The fine line you’re looking for, then, is in how you regard your end of the deal.
It isn’t just about what you get out of it, either, or just in the short term. The sense you have of being heard, understood and respected is a huge part of your ability to be at peace with an agreement.
As is your sense of autonomy. If you feel heard and understood and respected in the moment, but come away from an agreement feeling as if you got maneuvered into something that goes against who you are and doesn’t resemble what you had asked for, then what you agreed to wasn’t truly a compromise.
Read more:
How you feel in the long term about a deal might be hard to determine in the moment, but it’s worth weighing as your days with someone – and compromises – start to add up. You can make one bad deal and still not feel as if you’ve surrendered your power to someone, especially if you’re able to bring this up, articulate your concerns and revisit the terms of the deal.
But when the need to make a deal feels constant and relentless with someone, and/or the deals never seem to tilt in your favor, then each compromise can become one pixel in a larger portrait of submission.
And? It’s not just about women and men. It’s about having a voice, and knowing you’re able to use it.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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