Tag Archives: dating advice
He promised their mixed-faith relationship would be out in the open
Dear Carolyn: I am a white atheist (raised Catholic), long-term dating a Pakistani American agnostic (raised Muslim). In general, there is cultural pressure for Pakistani people to marry other Pakistanis, or at least within the faith, with no American-style dating allowed. Many mixed-faith relationships take place in secret. From the start I told my man I’d be happy to date him as long as our relationship would be 100 percent out in the open. He promised he’d proclaim his love from the rooftops, so I was all in.
His siblings and parents – who have become relatively liberal over the 40 years they’ve been in the U.S. – have welcomed me into their homes, even to religious celebrations, with open arms. I have grown to care deeply for them. They have even accepted that my boyfriend and I are moving in together, unmarried, and have offered to assist with costs.
I was shocked, then, when my boyfriend casually told me about meeting a member of his mother’s Muslim community. He laughed about how he told the woman he was moving in with a “roommate” and his mother happily thanked him for the obfuscation. I immediately felt as if my being a part of the family’s life was shameful to them. Shameful enough to lie about.
My boyfriend intended this as a lighthearted anecdote and did not understand why I was hurt. I understand there is social pressure involved when one goes against any widely accepted cultural beliefs. I am still very upset.
He discussed my concerns with his family, who stated they would continue to obfuscate. I want to resolve this hurt, but I don’t want to seem ungrateful for their warmer-than-expected in-home acceptance and generosity. I love this man very much. I care for his family, but their decision about hiding me in public is hurtful. I just don’t know what to do.
– Not My Name
How about not being hurt?
Annoyed, sure. Or angry, or disgusted – but not hurt.
Because this is not personal.
If this family were hiding you, just you, then it would be. But everything you say here suggests they’d downplay anyone he was dating who wasn’t from their culture. As in, anyone who came from a culture of openly doing things their culture deems shameful.
So what this looks like to me is a busted deal – thus the license to be annoyed or angry. You dated your boyfriend with the understanding that you wouldn’t be a secret, and you equate “roommate” with secrecy, so feel free be as annoyed as you would with anyone who appears to have baited-and-switched you.
There is zero need for you to internalize this into a belief that you are personally being called shameful.
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Nor does it make sense to be “shocked.” There are steep cultural pressures you knew about going in, you’ve been embraced beyond expectations by his core people, and you’re undone by a sidewalk fib?
If you’re going to achieve emotional escape velocity any time someone takes a shortcut to navigate differing cultural values, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life in outrage-orbit.
This is not to say you should just brush this off. Your boyfriend either promised something he never meant to deliver; promised something he misjudged his ability to deliver; promised something he believes he’s delivering in full because his promise applied only to openness with his family; or promised something only for himself and never intended to speak for his family.
You do need to sort out whether this is a misunderstanding, a privacy-vs.-secrecy quibble, or proof of an irreconcilable difference in your definitions of rooftops. And whether it will reconcile itself if you marry.
But that sorting-out will go a whole lot better if you acknowledge your wounded feelings, search them for any bigger messages – and then park them where they won’t cripple your ability to think clearly about what’s really going on:
“We had a deal. I took it to mean I wouldn’t be called a ‘roommate.’ Did you see it differently?” Listen, then decide where you stand.
Dear Carolyn: A friend just changed her own birthday party to suit our mom friend who didn’t want to get a baby sitter. So now the party is in someone’s living room with kids instead of a fun restaurant.
This group routinely changes plans to cater to this mom, who I do actually like and with whose kids I spend loads of time. I still prefer adult activities.
If I RSVP to Event X that suddenly becomes Event Y, is it rude to back out? Or should I just suck it up for yet another night in with kids?
– It’s Her Party, Right?
How I define “rude” doesn’t count. This is about consequences, not manners: You have to anticipate what it would cost you socially to bow out on these friends, then decide whether the price is worth paying.
For the record, I’d be annoyed by this bait-and-switch, too.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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Johnny, bravo!
M: We have a reader named Johnny who is asking for dating tips. He has not been dating for almost 20 years. Neither have I! Seriously, the first dating tip that I can give Johnny is: You don’t have to date. Society abides by a timeline that expects that singles be married at a certain age, and when you’ve gotten married, expect you to have a child and when you have one, ask when you’ll have another. So Johnny, ask yourself why you want to date. Is it because you feel you have to because all your friends are getting engaged or married? Or is it because you feel that you’re ready to get into a serious relationship with the woman who has the essentials and preferences that you have in mind?
DJ: For once again putting himself back to the dating scene after almost 20 years, I’ll have to say, “Bravo!” And feeling a little fidgety is but normal. A lot of us do need some help in meeting Miss Right. But I assume he’s learned enough lessons to be Mr. Right. Why? Because the rule of thumb remains: be yourself. While regular bathing, brushing of teeth and mental and emotional stability sound like minimal requirements, perfection is not. And being himself is a good place to start. Showing just his best foot is hard to sustain over time. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’ll have to throw etiquette to the wind.
M: Dating is good as it allows you to meet people that you might have something in common and develop a relationship with. It’s fun. And I agree that it’s so exhausting if you’re always putting your best foot forward to try to attract or score a second date with your date. But if you haven’t dated in a while, it doesn’t mean that you’re missing out on life. Dating someone does not make a dull life vibrant and it is not the answer to one’s existential anguish. And the dating advice that says that you always have to look your best, to be prepared with good conversation starters and ice breakers to pique another’s interest in you is frankly superficial.
DJ: It helps if he also stays within the range of topics that are light and easy. People these days can become so intense with politics. Using the color of one’s biases as an ice breaker can nip a relationship in the bud. Stay clear of topics about exes, too. Play it by ear. Johnny can start by asking her about her interests, spot what they have in common and start from there. He can also come prepared by doing his homework. There’s a lot of data to mine from her social media accounts. But he’s got to be genuine in making such connection. Besides, people date to assess their suitability to live together moving forward—for better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness and in health. It’s best that they stay honest and true to their core.
M: Not dating doesn’t mean you will be single forever. Many serial daters are still single. Some never settle down. You can discover happiness and joy in many ways and moments with family and friends. Let’s not be suckered in the lie that we won’t be “complete” without someone else. Date someone when you want to date them, not when you just want to date. Enjoy it when you do it, and until then, enjoy it when you aren’t dating yet or if you don’t date.
DJ: I know of couples who met while standing in line at Seven Eleven, at Jollibee or while in a carpool. There’s a world out there. Love can happen anytime, anywhere. Johnny will just have to go out, be confident about who he is and keep his heart, mind… even options open!
TV Dating Expert Damona Hoffman Doubles Down on Dating Content
Damona Hoffman met the love of her life on a dating site over a decade ago, so she knows how life-changing creating a dating profile can be. As a professional dating coach, she encourages her clients to think strategically about dating and create engaging profiles and messages that’ll make them stand out.
Although she started her career as a casting director in Los Angeles, Damona found her calling as an online dating guru in 2004 when her friends and family members asked her for advice on how to write a solid dating profile. She approached dating profile photos the same way she did an actor’s head shots and looked at the first date as an audition, which helped her friends and clients get the part as someone’s new leading man or lady.
For the last decade, Damona has focused on helping her clients navigate online dating. She has developed step-by-step online courses and personalized coaching programs to support modern singles. But now she wants to make her advice more accessible to people everywhere.
Damona Hoffman used her marketing skills to establish a successful coaching business.
As the official Love Expert of BET.com, Damona covers celebrity dating news and trending dating stories. She is also featured regularly on CNN’s Headline News (HLN) as a recurring relationship contributor, and her work will appear in The Washington Post this fall.
“My primary focus this year has been on creating free content that helps people find and keep love,” she said. “As an early adopter and success story of online dating (as well as one of the first coaches in that part of the industry), I also hope to work with more dating sites and apps to innovate the digital dating process and make it more effective for singles.”
Dates & Mates: A Must-Listen for Podcast Fans
In 2012, Damona launched a radio show and podcast about love in the modern world. Dates & Mates with Damona Hoffman allows the dating coach to share her advice and discuss the latest trends with experts in the field. She and and her co-host dive into hot topics in the dating scene, including marriage trends, hookup culture, single parenthood, and bad kissers. The podcast blends informative content with entertaining stories so listeners have fun while learning about the dating world.
The live weekly podcast has featured many notable names in the dating industry, including Hinge CEO Justin McCleod and eHarmony CEO Grant Langston. Plus many TV stars, including the experts from the hit shows “Married at First Sight” and “Famously Single” as well as comedian Greg Behrendt who authored “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Damona uses this channel to highlight breaking news in the dating world and make it actionable for listeners so they can improve their experiences in love by using the right tools and maintaining a positive mindset.
Damona’s core audience are single women between 25 and 45 years old. She said this demographic makes up about 65% of her listeners. “Most of my listeners are single, but we do discuss some relationship advice as well,” she noted.
Dates & Mates has been featured by Bustle, Elite Daily, The Huffington Post, and other news outlets.
Dates & Mates with Damona Hoffman will return to its sixth season on August 9th with interviews and advice from celebrities, authors, and top experts in the dating and relationship field. To celebrate six years of podcasting, Damona plans to showcase notable TV stars, celebrity guests, rotating co-hosts, on-air coaching, and giveaways.
Dates & Mates with Damona Hoffman is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Damona’s Facebook page where she also gives daily dating advice.
Creating a Retreat to Engage Her Audience in Person
Damona’s motto is “Modern love, made simple.” Her goal as a dating expert is to bring clarity to dating issues and enlighten singles on the road to romance. She directs people to tools that can upgrade their dating experiences, and she prepares them to reach their relationship goals by taking deliberate, knowledgeable actions.
Damona is a savvy online dating expert with 17 years of coaching experience.
Damona once devoted all her energy to helping singles one at a time, but now she has devised innovative ways to deliver advice to a larger audience. She has phased out her one-on-one coaching programs, and she plans to launch group coaching and workshops in 2019.
In the next year or so, Damona told us she also intends to organize a fun retreat for her devoted podcast listeners and fans of her television shows on A&E Network. The retreat will be an empowering wake-up call to women who want to transform their love lives.
Damona offers life-changing dating advice and encourages attendees to tackle relationship issues with a renewed sense of hope and capability.
By arranging group workshops and fun gatherings, Damona will engage with her national audience in a more personal and intimate way than she has in the past.
Damona is Making a Positive Impact on the Industry
Damona became a fan of online dating long before swiping and mutual matching. She was there on the ground floor and has seen the platform evolve over the last decade.
Looking to the future, Damona told us she has a lot in the works at the moment. For instance, she has begun developing a few TV concepts and other secret projects that she hopes to unveil in the next year. She said she is always looking for new opportunities to expand her brand and promote her message through various media outlets because that’s how she grows her potential client base and helps more people find love.
“Through both of my television series, I’ve been able to show how impactful coaching truly is and how your dating skills, confidence, and relationship status can be changed through working with a dating or relationship coach,” she said. “I look forward to using media to inspire more people to find love by offering new dating strategies and tools to a mainstream audience.”
Varun Mannava: Hyderabad's dating guru
Youngsters in the city are always hanging out with friends, but are they really socialising? Apparently not, especially when going on a date. Hanging out with friends and dating a girl demand vastly different skills, says Varun Mannava, a dating coach. Yes you read that right, he is a dating coach who conducts workshops and individual sessions to help young men (aged from 20-35) build a healthy relationship with a girl by dating them, the right way. He should know, considering that he organised speed dating sessions in Gurgaon and Hyderabad and also written (self-published) two books in the rare genre of pickup lines and dating advice.
Intrigued, we ask ‘why is a dating coach needed?’ Varun explains, “Education does not teach us the two most important life hacks — How to make money and How to find your life partner. We learn them through personal experience, or through books or mentors. There is no real need for a dating coach if everyone knew this upfront. Some guys have the luxury of time and resources right from their teenage, some have an instinct/ knack for this. Most others are focused on getting a good job and earning money and never think about the right approach. Much later, when they feel they have accomplished enough in their career, they tend to think of their personal life. We just want everything to fall into our laps without putting the right effort. As a dating coach I teach them the right approach by refining their basic understanding about themselves first, their strengths, their weaknesses, their overall understanding and expectations about dating.”
South-North divide
A Telugu boy who was born in Vizag, grew up in Chennai and moved to Gurgaon for a career in finance, Varun realised how a conservative or close-knit family and conservative society pose challenges when trying to get a date from a girl at a party. He says, “Hyderabad became a metropolitan after the IT boom, but natives here have always been conservative, like in Chennai. Though it has worked wonders for generations from a cultural point of view, Mumbai and Delhi NCR are way different when it comes to speed dating and socialising at parties. With all my socialising experience I personally could not make as many new friends here in Hyderabad (even in 2017-18) as I would have made in Delhi NCR / Mumbai during the same time. The crowd here is more private, even in public hangout places. They are not looking to make new friends or clean funny conversations unless it is within their group.” He is however optimistic. “Hyderabad is spreading its wings. The floating crowd is not as conservative as the native crowd and it normalizes the otherwise hostile parties!”
In Hyderabad, men are territorial about their women, perhaps out of insecurity. They don’t like their girl to socialise with other men; some don’t even introduce their girl to close friends.
Dating can be decent
Trust is an important factor when dating. Not only is it important for a guy to be a good conversationalist and be patient, it’s also about respecting the woman’s space.
Even in an age of Tinder and social media dating, one still seeks deeper, meaningful relationships. Tinder and social media dating lack depth. Even Tinder is realising this and organizing offline meetups from time to time. Other dating apps are following suit. Varun says, “Indian speed dating setups are somewhat meaningful, unlike in the West where they lead to one-night stands. Our events are not shady. Some filtering and matching for compatibility does take place before the meetup.”
Finally, Varun advocates three Cs to be successful in dating — Confident personality, Casual approach, Contact to communicate regularly.
Some Dos and Don’ts
* Fresh from a break up? Digest the pain and move on. Don’t repeat old behavioural patterns.
* Are you a nerd? Develop a complete personality to be a good conversationalist.
* Getting friend-zoned too often? Step out of that zone, fast.
* Don’t flirt, or start sexting, before you have built a good rapport.
* Being judged by friends and family for being liberal? Don’t get intimidated
