Relationships Talk

Not all men are scared of smart women.

When it comes to love and dating, sometimes what we say and what we actually wind up doing can wind up being two totally different things. Human beings, aren’t we such stinking enigmas?

Take for example what men think about smart women. If you ask a man how he feels about dating a smart woman, he’s probably going to say something along the lines of “sure, I don’t care,” when the truth is that while men might talk a big game about loving with a woman with a gigantic brain, it actually… can make a lot of guys feel pretty damn insecure. 

RELATED: The Sad Reason Why Smart Women Stay Single For Much Longer

Is this dating advice for men ridiculous? Oh, absolutely. Do I blame the patriarchy? Oh, even more absolutely. But do I think that’s the only thing to blame for this disparity between what men say and what they actually do when it comes to their love lives? No way.

Part of the reason why men may not actually make a move on forming a relationship with a highly intelligent woman is because men might just be wired to think they have a responsibility to provide for their partners. Obviously because it’s not exactly a feminist ideal, men aren’t exactly champing at the bit to share their feelings about the subject either.

But I knew there was one place on the internet where men would feel free to talk openly about their feelings about dating smart women: the AskMen subreddit! The men there had no problem opening up about how they feel when they aren’t the smartest person in their bedroom, and while some of them walked the line, others weren’t scared to really tell it how it is.

1. Intelligence doesn’t make someone socially awkward.

“I dated a biologist last year. Literally the smartest girl I’ve ever dated. She’s currently working on a cure for pneumonia on HIV patients. She was fun. I don’t think her intelligence made her socially awkward or anything.”

2. It’s about a balance. 

“Dating someone smarter than me sounds 1,000 times better than dating someone dumber than me. Dating someone who is roughly as smart as I am, I think, would be ideal.”

3. It’s awesome!

“I liked it a lot. Given that I am in medical school, I find people who go into academics purely for the sake of knowledge and learning impressive. Also, we know PhDs don’t make that much, so I guess in my mind it makes it more of a ‘devotional’ quest? My ex was doing her PhD, also I asked her for science and math help through all of college, and I adored how fast and concise she could explain things to me.”

4. It’s very attractive.

“I think it’s pretty sexy, and I have a thing for academics. A girl that can knockout the Friday NYT crossword? Rawr.”

5. I have to be able to offer something.

“Smarter? No problem. Smarter, more educated, and more financially well off? It’s a problem. I have to feel like I’m bringing something to the table besides good looks.”

6. It depends on what kind of smart. 

“If you can think critically and are engaged in your experience of the world and know how to properly reflect on that, then that’s a baseline level of intellect that I can get with. If you’re just a walking encyclopedia of random Wikipedia facts and you think you’re smarter than me for it, then I’ll pass.”

7. It’s not smarts, it’s different interests.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who is noticeably smarter or dumber than I am. A lot of people have different interests though, some people are interested in intellectual things and some people aren’t, but that’s not the same thing as being intelligent.”

8. Just don’t be a jerk about it. 

“Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, just don’t lord it over me.”

9. Manners are important. 

“Nothing wrong with that. I recognized there are gaps in my personality/intelligence so not a big deal if my partner can fill those gaps in. She’s not a jerk about either, so we’re good.”

10. We help each other. 

“My girlfriend is way smarter in only an academic sense. And that’s totally cool with me. She’s horrible at math and she’s impressed with most things I do so it’s a decent balance.”

11. Hostile brains? No thanks. 

“Depends if they are confrontational about it or not.”

RELATED: Science Confirms Men Are Petrified Of Smart Women

12. Smart is good, but not arrogant.

“I haven’t had any experience with a girl who’s noticeably smarter than me, but I have experienced the dumb ones and I’m pretty sure I’d take the smarter girls any day of the week. Nothing is worse than having a conversation with your girl and she says something you know for a fact is false but you don’t want to hurt her feeling so you just kind of agree. Depending on the situation I would still call her out as being blatantly wrong though.”

13. It’s a good kind of intimidating.

“Maybe a tad intimidated, but in a good way.”

14. Smart is different than wise. 

“My wife is definitely smarter than me. She’s a teacher and has a Master’s degree. I think I’m wiser than she is though. I’ve had a lot more varied life experiences and have had more to struggle against than she did. She’s got the school smarts and I have the street smarts. It works well for us.”

15. For a relationship, brains are a must.

“I’m an intellectual, so high intelligence in my partner is a must if we’re talking serious relationships. I’m not threatened by a woman being ‘smarter’ than I am. In fact, I prefer it, because I always want to be in a position where I can learn something from the people closest to me. But for FWB relationships, intelligence or lack thereof is a complete non-factor. I care mostly about physical assets in that case.”

16. It’s a major turn-on.

“Sign me up. Intelligence is sexy as hell.”

17. It makes me want her more.

“I used to have lunch with a colleague, and one day I randomly read out the quiz section from the daily newspaper and she nonchalantly answered everything. Had the whole face resting on one hand, other hand playing with her food. Thought it was so sexy. I asked her out the next day but she wasn’t interested. Some of these questions were crazy hard that covered chemistry, history, astrology, movies, social culture and animals.”

18. As long as she isn’t cocky.

“I think people who are arrogant or look down on other people are a problem. Otherwise, there’s no upper limit for brains in a partner. Also, as I get older I realize that there are different types of intelligence. I am smarter than my wife in some ways/areas. She is smarter than me in some ways/areas.”

19. It’s too difficult.

“I’ve dated intelligent women. Just makes for a SO that is uncompromising and tedious.”

20. Nah, it’s tiresome. 

“I haven’t dated anyone that I felt was like astronomically more intelligent, but honestly, with the girls I’d consider at least equal or possibly smarter it was always this tiresome competition to show that they’re as smart or smarter than I am.”

21. Brains don’t scare me. 

“Currently dating a molecular biologist and while she is extremely smart in academic areas, she is completely lost in other fields which I have an interest in. She barely knows how to use a hammer or have got barely any history knowledge. So yeah, I am not intimidated at all.”

RELATED: 5 Ways Smart, Savvy, Empowered Women Date Very Differently

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.

You’re sabotaging yourself.

Did you know that in certain corners of the internet people actually turn to me for advice about love and dating? That’s right, I may be in no way licensed or certified, but 10 plus years writing about love and dating has made me something of amateur-expert — an amapert, if you will! 

The question I’m tackling today gets asked almost every show: “I’m single and I can’t meet anyone and dating websites don’t work. I don’t know how to get a date. What can I do?” You can start by checking out dating profile examples, because without them, yours is probably the reason you haven’t had success.

Dating websites and dating apps absolutely work. I’m not just saying that because I met my current boyfriend there, I’m saying it because I also met my worst boyfriend there, and my dead boyfriend there (long story).

RELATED: A 4-Step Guide To Creating The Perfect Dating Profile (Says Study)

If dating apps and websites aren’t working for you it’s because you aren’t working them. In order to get the best out of the site, there are a few different things you need: Patience, a self-care plan, and an amazing profile. 

Today I want to break down that last one: the amazing profile. If you follow this advice you will absolutely get a better selection of partners. That doesn’t mean you aren’t still going to be bombarded with unsolicited d*** pics or messages that just say “hi,” but it does mean that you can focus on separating from the wheat from the chaff instead of just wandering waist deep in chaff and crying. 

1. Be diverse.

In your photos and in your interests. You only have one face and one body, and while they are both fly as hell, you have THOUSANDS of different expressions and ways of capturing your face, your body, and in doing so, a better glimpse into who you are as a person.

We all have an angle or a pose that we love to strike. I turn the right side of my face towards the camera so often that I had a man message me and ask if I was missing an ear — legitimately, that happened.  Make sure your pictures show your face, your body, your passions, and all of your angles. Dudes are more visual than women, so if you date men, consider this. 

Same goes for your interests. Sure you like humor, but what else do you like? What interests you? What do you spend your time Googling? Include this stuff, it helps build a fuller picture of who you are. I mean, who you are other than a choice piece of Prime A filet. 

2. Be clear.

For a long time I had a terrible profile. In fairness to me, I was a dateless late-in-life virgin at the time, terrified of being forever alone, but also maybe even more terrified of actually going on a date. A big problem with my profile was the fact that I included a lot of quotes, maybe a poem, and very little about what I actually wanted in a relationship. 

RELATED: 9 Ways Your Online Dating Profile Could Be Turning Off Quality Men

Instead of saying “Just looking for sex” or “hoping to meet someone special and see where it goes” or “Only message me if your d*** is working and you have a healthy relationship with your mother,” I festooned my profile with Ani DiFranco lyrics and poems by the Persian mystic Rumi. 

Is it any wonder I didn’t get laid? Don’t be like me. Make your profile crystal clear when it comes to what you want and who you are. 

3. Be honest.

If you know there are things you don’t want, say that. If someone messages you asking you if you’re open to whatever it is they’ve got on offer (threesome, hook-up, dinner with their mom), don’t feel like you have to be nice. Tell them the truth. You’ll both be better off. 

Also, be honest about your weight, your height, your income, and all that other jazz. It might seem “too” personal, but consider it a best practice. You’re establishing that you’re trustworthy and honest from the jump, and this gives you every right to expect the same from them! 

4. Be open.

I had a massive list of “won’ts” when I started dating online: I wouldn’t date dads, I wouldn’t date divorced guys, I wouldn’t date guys who were professional clowns. To date, in an effort to keep my options open, I have dated all three. Please feel free to pick whichever two bring you the most delight.

A date is not a marriage. If you meet someone online and you click, and they ask you out, go out. Be safe, obviously, but don’t automatically discount someone just because they don’t meet all of your arbitrary restrictions for love. Who knows what you could keeping yourself from?

5. Be pragmatic.

Look, nobody wants to pay to meet a mate, but guess what? Sometimes with dating apps you get what you pay for. So if you’ve paid nothing, uh, yeah, that’s what you’re going to get. 

Don’t be afraid to pay to play. That’s what loads of other people are doing. Plus, it sends a message that you’re taking dating seriously and will in turn attract equally serious potential mates. 

RELATED: Guys: If You Don’t Have This One Thing In Your Profile, You’re Doing It Wrong

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.

Students graduate from high school knowing how to calculate the hypotenuse of a triangle, but they often have no idea how to figure out if someone likes them, how to flirt, how to date, or how to have a successful relationship.

Then they go out into the world and struggle with dating, relationships, marriage and family because they were never taught the skillsets they need for relationship success.

April Masini recognized that deficit in relationship education, and she filled in the gap. She has spent years studying the dating scene, and her knowledge, experience, and advice have helped singles, couples, and divorcees solve their relationship problems.

For April, it all started with a phone call. She never considered a career as a dating and relationship expert — until the the Learning Annex in Los Angeles invited her to teach a dating course for men.

“I was a television and film producer for ‘Baywatch,’ ‘The Miss Universe Pageant,’ and ‘Blue Crush,’ and the Learning Annex wanted me to teach men how to date a Baywatch babe, a Blue Crush surfer, or a Miss Universe contestant,” she explained. “At first, I thought I was being pranked by a friend, but the call was real. And I was in.”

The class, For Men Only: Date Out of Your League, sold out. She’d hit a nerve. Men flocked to hear her advice and her secrets. The response was so incredible that she wrote a follow up book, “Date Out of Your League.”

Three more books followed as did the birth of RelationshipAdviceForum.com, her super popular advice website, and the press picked up on her popularity and insights. She’s been interviewed by The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, USA Today, US News & World Report, The Wall Street Journal, Time, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Glamour, MarketWatch, MarthaStewartWeddings.com, Brides, ABC.com, Today.com, NBC.com, Fox News, BravoTV.com and many, many others.

Whether she’s offering fitness tips, financial insights, or relationship advice, April is a straightforward and uplifting mentor for people all over the world.

Her advice and it’s reach is evolving with the dating industry. “The dating industry tools are booming, April said, “But the relationship problems are not diminishing. Dating apps, dating websites, and modern communication are wonderful — but they’re all being used by human beings with foibles. Modern relationship problems require a real person, giving real advice to help modern people date smart and make wise choices in relationships. That person is me!”

An Affordable Alternative to Coaching & Therapy

Instead of a traditional coaching program, April has a relationship advice forum on her website AskApril.com. She dispenses advice to thousands of members who pay an affordable one-time fee to ask any question from “How do I ask someone out?” to “What can I do to save my relationship?” April said this is a low-cost and fast way for clients to solve their personal problems, and they can do it privately in their own time and from the comfort of their own homes. Singles can also subscribe to the premium private package to ensure only April can read their queries.

“People love my relationship advice site because it gives you what coaching and therapy doesn’t,” she said. “You can access it from your own home, any time, at a low cost. You don’t have to make an appointment — you can even get rush service and anonymous service. Plus, you get me! Lots of my clients have urgent questions and they want quick, frank responses. I don’t sugar coat my advice. It’s polite, but it’s honest — sometimes brutally honest.”

The advice forum is a helpful resource where over 175,000 members have discussed hot topics in the dating scene and looked to April to help them sort out complicated problems.

“Some common questions I’m asked are, ‘How do I ask someone out?’ or ‘How do I know if someone likes me?’ Some people getting back into the dating world post-separation or divorce want to know when to sleep with a date or when to take down a dating profile from a dating app or website, and when to know if a relationship is official. Others want to know how to save a relationship or deal with cheating, porn, addiction, financial betrayals, adult step-kids and mothers-in-law, as well control issues, abuse, and depression in relationships.”

April gives personal, individual advice to public, private, or rush questions that anyone can get.

Rather than wait weeks for an appointment to an expensive therapist or a traditional coach, April offers a low-cost, expedited option for clients. A recent trend in relationship questions has to do with blending families. “The high divorce rate has created more singles who want to date and re-marry,” said April. “These subsequent and sometimes serial marriages create more relationships in each home. There’s the couple, their kids, their kids’ other parents, and those other parents’ partners and their kids. That means more strain,” she said, “and more places for me to give advice to ease all that communication.”

There are currently 175,000 members on the AskApril RelationshipAdviceForum.com. “My relationship advice forum has never been stronger,” April said. “My forum recently surpassed 27,500 questions that have been asked and answered on the site.” April is also responsive to her fans on Twitter. She said her old account was hacked and her photos, tweets and followers stolen, but she recently opened a new account, @AprilMasini, where she actively engages with her social media audience.

The Go-To Expert on Love & Mixed-Money Relationships

Over the years, April has helped singles figure out who pays on a date, how to bring up the subject of debt with a potential partner, and how to approach merging their finances after marriage. April is a big believer in getting a prenup before tying the knot. She compared it to taking out insurance on the relationship and encourages singles to have “The Talk” about money early on.

“Money is a big relationship factor and I get a lot of questions about this,” she said. “Money is still a taboo subject for many people, but not discussing money and financial compatibility is asking for trouble. Money impacts relationships, and if you’re in a mixed-money marriage, where one persons is a saver and the other is a spend, you’ve got a gap to bridge and you probably need help doing it. Financial betrayals, saving for retirement, dealing with debt — these are all modern relationship issues.”

April also helps singles figure out who pays on a date, how to bring up the subject of debt with a potential partner, and how to approach merging finances. April is a big believer in getting a prenup before tying the knot. She compared it to taking out insurance on the relationship and encourages singles to have “The Talk” about money early on in the dating process. Her money-relationship advice extends to holiday and everyday tipping, gift-giving, splitting expenses with roommates, lovers and spouses, and other money-related topics.

“You insure your car, your home, your health — you should insure your insurable assets against divorce.” — April Masini, Forbes Magazine

TD Bank saw her many quotes and interviews about money in relationships on GoBankingRates.com and snapped her up. They hired April to analyze the 2016 TD Bank Love & Money survey and report. April’s responsibilities for TD Bank included co-hosting several live, hour-long Love & Money Q&A sessions on Twitter. Working for and in conjunction with corporations is not new to April. She was also hired by Procter & Gamble, as a spokesperson for their Old Spice “Voice of Experience” campaign. Her ability to interface fluidly with both unique individuals on her forum, on live, fast Twitter chats, and with corporate executives in the business world, is part of her magnetic success.

April’s advice on tipping, gift-giving, splitting the bill, and other money-related topics can help daters put complex matters into concrete terms and work out solutions based on the dating expert’s experiences.

Subsequently, The Wall Street Journal invited her to participate in a podcast episode to discuss the etiquette of who pays on a first date. “I enjoyed a spirited tussle with WSJ podcast host, Quentin Fottrell, who shared an opposing view to mine,” April said. “I come from the point of view that whoever asks for the date should pay — but since I don’t think women should ask men out, by default, the guy should pay.”

This opinion sparked a debate among the panelists that reflects the ongoing conversation between modern daters who struggle to decide how to behave when it comes time to pick up the tab. “Money is a great way to gauge where things are,” said April. “If he wants to spring for another dinner and a movie, he’s investing his money and his time and his emotions in the date. When you split things, no matter how politically correct that may be, there’s a bigger price to pay later.”

New Roads Into Fitness, Self-Esteem & Health

In addition to being a dating guru and financial adviser, April is also a well-known sexpert who has shared intimate advice in columns on AskMen.com and The Women’s Health magazine. She has been quoted as a relationship expert on some of the world’s most influential and widely read platforms, including USAToday, US News & World Report, BravoTV, MarthaStewartWeddings.com, and ReadersDigest.com.

Whenever a popular magazine, journal, or newspaper reaches out to her for a quote, April eagerly agrees to contribute her two cents because she takes pride in the vote of confidence.

April Masini has become the go-to love and money relationship expert in the press.

A new vector this relationship expert is taking is improved health and fitness. “Body image can impact self-esteem, which can impact the health of all personal relationships,” April said. “The way you feel and the shape you’re in affects your behavior — with yourself and with others. In fact, one of the biggest problems in marriages is people get complacent and letting themselves go. This creates a downward spiral that affects self-esteem and the relationship.”

That’s why April is considering writing a fifth book with a focus on being #FitOver40. April plans to collaborate with friend and professional functional medicine expert, who focuses on endocrinology and health, Elizabeth Tringali. They are planning to write a practical guide for people who want to transform themselves and their relationships through improved health and fitness.

Media outlets like BravoTV.com also trust April to provide sound insights in the celebrity and entertainment world. April has dissected the body language between celeb couples and analyzed the wardrobe choice of notable individuals, including Meghan Markle and Khloe Kardashian.

April Brings Clarity to the Dating Scene

Whether she’s advising individuals on her forum or the readers of an online magazine, April has a wealth of expertise on a variety of topics, including love, money, celebrities, fitness, and social etiquette. Her down-to-earth and helpful attitude has made her one of the most trusted and influential sources of information for singles and media outlets across the US.

Schools may not teach the basics of building relationships and living a good life, but April has made it her mission to fill that gap and provide sound guidance based on her personal experiences.

“No matter what happens in the world, relationships are basic,” she said. “The impact I hope to have on the dating industry — and on all people in all sorts of relationships — is to give them more clarity, more ability to communicate, and more success in their relationships.”

Online dating is now one of the primary ways people meet partners, and researchers can use data from dating apps to observe and quantify romantic attraction and pursuit. In other words, all of those terrible online messages and first dates are being donated to science.

A study out Wednesday in the journal Science Advances described “a hierarchy of desirability” in the messaging tactics of online daters. It also found that both men and women messaged potential partners who were on average 25 percent more attractive than they were.

The study analyzed heterosexual dating markets in an unnamed “popular, free online dating service” in four major U.S. cities: Boston, Chicago, New York and Seattle. The number of users totaled in the hundreds of thousands. User data was anonymous and did not include personal details or message content. Scientists looked at age, ethnicity and education of the users, and they quantified the messages exchanged through the service. Desirability was defined by the number of messages someone received as well as the desirability of the people sending those messages.

The study included only heterosexual users to simplify the analyses, said Elizabeth Bruch, lead author of the study and a sociologist at the University of Michigan. But, Bruch said, the research methods could be used for other groups.

Some previous studies have shown that ethnicity has an effect on desirability, but others have shown that it does not matter. In this study, white men and Asian women ranked highest for desirability, measured by the messaging metrics, and men and women contacted potential partners who were on average 25 percent more desirable than they were.

“What would it mean scientifically for someone to be ‘out of your league?’ ” Bruch said. This question, along with many others about mate choice, are now answerable, she said. “There are so many folk theories about dating, and what are the rules of dating, and the strategies that people have,” said Bruch. “It hit us like, oh my God, we can see if this is actually working. People in dating have all these strategies, like you don’t call at 10 p.m. on Friday night, but we don’t know if that actually matters. These things are knowable. They’re not just things you can speculate about with your friends.”

The scientists measured the number of words per initial message and the message response rate. Men wrote more first messages than women did, and women were less likely to respond to a message. Men and women also wrote longer messages to potential dates who were more desirable, the study said. The number of words in a message, however, did not correlate to response, even when controlled for the desirability gap. In other words, a one-word message (let’s say, “hiiiii”) was just as likely to get a response as a long, agonized line of Pablo Neruda poetry (I want / To do with you what spring does with a cherry tree”). This raises the obvious, if controversial question: Is it better to just say, “Hey”?

“It seems like ‘hey’ is the way to go,” Bruch said with a laugh. In terms of a cost-benefit analysis, the time and energy put into that first message may be wasted, but she pointed out that, because the researchers did not have access to the content of the messages, only the number of words, “we know nothing of the wittiness of the messages.” After a pause, she continued: “I’m not a fan of the ‘hey’ message.”

There was one exception to this. Men in Seattle who wrote longer messages had a higher chance of getting a reply. The study noted that Seattle’s dating climate is “unfavorable” for men, with as many as two men per woman, depending on the population. If you are seeking a verbally prolific heterosexual man and great dating odds, you may want to put Seattle on your list.

A few other findings from the study: “Older women are less desirable, while older men are more so,” the authors found. “Postgraduate education is associated with decreased desirability among women.” Women’s desirability peaked at the youngest age possible to join the dating app — 18 — and declined until age 60. Men’s desirability increased until 50. It is important to note, particularly for everyone who’s not an 18-year-old woman or a middle-aged white man, that the study results were based on averages, and there is a wide range in what people are looking for in a date.

[No one tells you life as a 40-year-old single woman could be this good]

Desirable people got more and longer messages overall. “Even though the probability of getting a response drops with a desirability gap, the response rate is still quite a bit above zero,” Bruch said — a cautiously optimistic argument for reaching out to those out-of-reach hotties.

One outlier in the data, described as a “30-year-old woman living in New York,” the scientists nicknamed their “movie star.” She received 1,500 messages, “equivalent to one message every 30 minutes, day and night, for the entire month” of the observing period, the study stated. The study did not state how this woman’s life may have been affected by hourly “Hey” messages.

“What can be tricky about studying attraction is that so many things are subjective,” said Lucy Hunt, a social psychologist at Purdue University who was not involved in the study. Online dating shows us who is available, but Hunt warned against expecting it to do more than that. You have to meet people face to face, she said.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute who was not involved in the study, pointed out that these are not really dating apps. They’re “introducing apps.”

“The only real algorithm is your own brain. Where you meet him [or her] doesn’t matter. On a park bench, online” or other places. The app can set you up with someone who might seem perfect, but traits like humor or trustworthiness are hard to measure online, Fisher said.

Fisher, who is also the chief scientist at Match.com, had several pieces of specific advice for online dating, based on that company’s user research. Most people do not appreciate their dates looking at their phones. We’re visual animals, she said, so picture choice is important (she recommends uploading six photos). But perhaps the most helpful advice was, “if what you’re doing isn’t working, change your strategy.”

As for me, I am moving to Seattle.

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