Relationships Talk

This week, my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage. 40 years, I cannot imagine what that is like, I mean I haven’t even been alive that long. I know they are still very in love with each other and treasure their time together.

My parents have a very romantic love story. My dad immigrated to this country in 1971. He learned English, and started to build a career. He traveled from Southern California to Nebraska, to Florida to Puerto Rico. In 1976, home for a visit, my dad met my mom. They lived across the street from each other and the families had become friends. They started to write letters, and when possible they went on dates. In 1977, they became engaged and in August of 1978 they were married. Their path has not been an easy road. In the 40 years they have been married, they have moved 13 times, endured long separations and took care of both my grandparents until they died. In those years, I have watched them fall more in love with each other. They face every adversity together.

In honor of marriage, I asked people for their advice on how to have a long marriage. I received a lot of great advice. My hope is we can all learn from this advice and the examples set by long marriages. A couple celebrating 47 years of marriage still call themselves newly weds and giggle. They have spent time developing their companionship, love can wane, but companionship remains. A good friend said the secret to a good marriage is full disclosure. In his experience, it is the hidden things, the things we are afraid to talk about, which become the biggest problems.

Another dear friend says to learn forgiveness. When you can find a lake deep enough for forgiveness, you have found your peace. My husband’s uncle says surprise dates are key. I would have to agree. One of my cousins, who has two little ones and struggles with Lupus, says getting nights off to relax are key. My husband’s baby sister had the most to say. I would say after serving in the Navy, she has seen enough marriages fail and survive to know what works. She says never argue about money. Create a money plan together and then stick to it. She also says never say “I make more”, marriages are about sharing, give and take. She continues with learn to listen, and to not bring up past wrongdoings. Never go to bed angry, and kiss often. Remember your spouse needs space, but they also like it when you show an interest in their hobbies.

Another friend shared lots of laughter, I would agree. It is so much nicer to laugh than cry. My husband’s baby sister’s husband says to always pick up your dirty socks. I would say picking up after yourself is great advice, I mean who wants to touch dirty socks? A woman I very much admire says to never take affection for granted, kiss often, hug more, hold hands, go to bed together, and pray together. And finally, learn to compromise.

This is a lot of sage advice. Marriage is hard, it takes a lot of work, and the hard work always seems to come when we are tired. It is human nature to be selfish, to want what we want. It takes a lot of hard work to compromise. My husband always says we should never become complacent in our marriage. Never become so comfortable you let yourself go or you stop trying. I know I love when my husband gets dressed up for dates or buys me flowers. I love when he used Google Translate to text me love messages in Spanish. It is definitely the little things in marriages.

So, what does all this advice mean? Well, it means romance, love and happily ever after do exist. We women should never wait for our knight to come in and rescue us, we should be independent and able to care for ourselves. Men, we women do not want to be saved, but we also do not want to be completely dependent on you. I think what every gender wants is to be accepted, to be loved unconditionally and to have a partnership based on true companionship and love. And that, my friends, is what my parents have shown me.

Thank you for the wonderful advice. Congratulations to my parents and every couple celebrating anniversaries.

If you have any

comments or would like to share your thoughts, you can reach me at believestrengthpassion@gmail.com.

Your baby is a nuclear bomb. Is it cute and gurgly and the most incredible thing to ever happen to you? Absolutely. But it has the power to reduce your relationships to ash, including, yes, the one you have with your spouse.

Myriad studies confirm that a sort of domino effect is triggered by the presence of a baby in a couple’s life. They have less time to spend together, which, necessarily, means you’re having less sex, which often leads to more frequent fights, which consequently finds both of them less happy. “Eventually, they readjust, but that doesn’t mean that they’re able to get back to where they were,” Eli Finkle, a social psychologist who runs the Marriage Lab at Northwestern University, said.”The truth is, of course, it’s hard to cultivate the relationship when you have this massive additional responsibility that requires so much attention.”

So, what can be done? To continue with our metaphor here, you must build a bomb shelter around your marriage. It really pays to be an apocalyptic, doomsday-prepping survivalist and stock it with a lot of metaphorical bottled water and canned food, and hope your baby doesn’t destroy its structural integrity when it goes off. To help you do just that, we spoke to a variety of experts who gave us their best advice for preparing your marriage to survive your child. At least, until they’re a teenager. 

Plan For The Worst

Planning for the birth of your child is a huge undertaking, but it’s important to budget time to plan what happens next. “For many women, birth and labor become the ultimate obstacle, but it’s really only the beginning,” says Shanna Donhauser, a psychotherapist specializing in young children and families. She recommends identifying a few things you might need or want during the postpartum period and put together a plan with your partner. From figuring out what food you’ll need in advance, to organizing a visitor schedule that isn’t exhausting during this time frame, the preparation is important for minimizing outside stress.

Class it Up

A frequent roadblock for new parents is a lack of a mutual understanding of how you’re going to talk about parenting. In the thick of the Hurt Locker-ing your marriage, you may find that a parenting class helps you make sure you’re talking about the same thing. “Couples who take parenting classes together before having children report that they acquire a common language and foundation that makes future decisions much easier,” says psychotherapist Dr. Tina B. Tessina, and can prevent those pesky red wire-blue wire communication breakdowns that stress you both out and cause infighting in the bunker.

Prioritize Time Together

A major problem that faces all new parents is that dividing up the mountain of tasks you’ll have to accomplish separates you for much of the day, giving small resentments time to fester and grow. These will never go away, but it’s paramount to schedule in time together and to communicate through any impasses. “Try to organize your schedule so that you have some time together, without having to do chores or work, after the baby is asleep,” says Tessina. “Talk frequently about how you’re both doing, whether your arrangement feels fair, and encourage your partner to talk about what’s bothering him or her.” If you keep in constant communication about this, your baby’s many mini-explosions won’t rock the boat so much.

Set Boundaries With Extended Family

If your baby is going to order an air strike from above, it’s going to come in the form of your extended family. Setting boundaries with in-laws and relatives from the start will save you a lot of grief. The key to doing so lies in tact.  “Convey this boundary to your in-laws in a gentle way,” psychotherapist Susan Silver previously told Fatherly.  “Be explicit if it becomes necessary, just know that it’s your job to make your in-laws – and, more importantly, your spouse – feel like he or she is number one. This will build trust and commitment, which are two important pillars of any marriage.” Hopefully, your situation won’t turn into a tag-team melee. But, if it does, make sure you’re in the right corner.

Make. Time. For. Sex.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Or, to track our metaphor, the potassium tablets in the bunker (you’re going to need to meet me halfway on some of these). Maintaining a healthy relationship will require a bit of sex scheduling, which doesn’t sound sexy, because it isn’t, but that’s okay. “It might not be as spontaneous as it used to be,” says LCPC Tayla Knable. “But this physical intimacy is incredibly important in feeling connected to your spouse. Use those date nights to plan time for sex. After the kids go to bed, spend that time together as often as possible.” That time should be separated from your normal duties as parents as possible, which means making your bedroom a “kid-free” area. “Nothing kills the mood like having baby items and toys scattered all over the bed,” says Knable. No kidding. 

Establish Your Baby’s Routines

It sounds obvious but without set routines, you won’t be able to carve out time for your relationship. “Routines start early and often,” says Donhauser. Everyone benefits from them; you, your partner, and your little bomb there. “Couples with strong routines for their small children tend to feel less stress in their relationship,” she notes, “because they can predictably make room for their marriage and their children are often more regulated.” Essentially, settling into a routine lets your baby know to hang onto their grenade pin for a bit while you sort everything out.

Prioritize Sleep

Unfortunately, the single most important feature of your bomb shelter is also the hardest to come by: An army cot. “Lack of sleep in those early years of parenting can create tremendous strain on a marriage,” advises Donhauser. “People say it all the time, get sleep when you can. It feels trite. It’s not.” Getting sleep as often as possible, giving your partner the opportunity to sleep whenever you can, and, most importantly, being transparent about your own need for sleep and asking for help whenever you need it, is what will bury your bomb shelter so far underground and outside the blast radius that no matter how many times your baby decides to detonate (and it will be quite frequently) you can simply dust off your shoulders and dive back in.