Category Archives: marriage advice
Dear Abby: Wife's attraction to another woman throws life, marriage into confusion
Advice: Have an honest conversation with the woman. Tell her you are confused about what happened on the trip.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old woman. I have been married to my husband for 28 years and never cheated. We have a good life together, and our sex life has always been great, but I have recently fallen in love with another woman.
I haven’t told anyone, not even her. She has made several comments and advances toward me, but she frequently makes comments like, “I don’t swim in the lady pond.”
The two of us recently went out of town together. When she kissed me on my neck, I pulled away and nothing more happened. I am positive that if I hadn’t, something would have happened.
I feel like I’m going crazy because I think about her every minute. We talk on the phone several times a day. She’s married (to a man) and has been for 30 years. Is it possible for two straight women to suddenly fall in love with each other? Should I tell her how I feel? Please help me. I’m confused, lost and in turmoil. — FALLING IN LOVE
DEAR FALLING: Yes, it is possible for members of both sexes to become attracted to someone of the same sex and fall in love. Have an honest conversation with the woman. Tell her you are confused about what happened on the trip. I’m not sure she was completely honest about her “swimming” habits, but you may or may not be the first woman she has become attracted to.
I hesitate to advise what steps to take beyond that since you are both in longtime, committed relationships. Much will depend upon what she has to say.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We are the same age and have children from previous marriages. His are teenagers, and I have twin boys at home who are 6. Early on we discussed blending our families.
Although he has been eager to be a part of my life and my family, he has been less than enthusiastic about opening up his own life to me. He takes vacations with his children and leaves me out. He also travels alone to places we have discussed going to together. If I say anything, he accuses me of being selfish. But if I plan anything with my own children, he always expects to be included.
I’m getting fed up with it. I feel resentful living on the fringes of his world, while he expects to be at the center of mine. Am I selfish, or do I have a legitimate complaint? — OFF BALANCE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR OFF BALANCE: You and your boyfriend should both be spending some separate vacation time with your children, but not to the exclusion of each other. That he would take trips you had planned together without you seems peculiar, and I don’t think you are selfish to be bothered by it.
Although you have been seeing each other for two years, he does not appear to be anywhere near ready to jump into the kind of relationship you are wishing for. You do have a legitimate complaint. Continue the discussion about this because something does appear to be off balance.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Amy Dickinson: Secrets and lies are tearing this marriage apart
Dear Amy: I recently found out that my husband has been secretly smoking during our entire 16-year marriage.
I felt such a betrayal of trust. He is now taking medication to help him quit.
I decided to try and forgive him in order to make our marriage work.
Soon after, I found out that he had made flirting comments to a friend on Facebook.
I thought we were trying to work on our marriage! This was hurtful, and it betrayed my trust again.
He has continued to lie about things if he feels it will prevent an argument.
I have told him I need complete honesty in order to start the healing process of forgiveness, and to restore the lost trust.
I have been so depressed that I decided to go into an anonymous online chat room to vent.
Well, it didn’t turn out like I thought it would.
I ended up having a sexual conversation with a stranger.
Amy, I feel so guilty. I never intended for that to happen.
After me being so upset at my husband for his lies and secrets, I am torn as to whether I should tell him. I just did the same thing! I’m scared that he will always throw this in my face as an excuse for his past mistakes and try to excuse his future mistakes by highlighting MY mistake. Should I tell him? — Torn
Dear Torn: The amateur shrink in me needs to speculate: You engaged in sexual banter online to retaliate for your husband’s secrecy regarding his smoking and his Facebook flirtation (and probably other things).
You now want to avoid admitting your behavior because — the way you see it: It is your business, and you are an adult.
If your spouse doesn’t know about it, it won’t impact your marriage.
Not disclosing this is a great way to avoid an argument.
Admitting it would cause pain to him and to you, including the possibility that he will never let you forget it.
In short, you are afraid to tell him about it, because he has given you reason to doubt his ability to understand and forgive.
This might be very close to what your husband is thinking when (and after) he sneaks a cigarette behind the garage.
Do you now have insight into the temptation to be avoidant, when honesty may lead to a cycle of shame, blame and referendums on your marriage?
You’ve boxed yourself into a corner, and now you should come clean. Your husband should not have to be the standard-bearer for past, current and future mistakes.
Admit your behavior, take responsibility for it and for the possibility that he will be hurt by it, assure him that this will never happen again and ask for forgiveness.
If you two are stuck in a cycle of blame, recrimination and further acting-out, you should see a marriage counselor.
Dear Amy: In recent years, I have become envious of friends who have a close relationship (or any relationship) with their cousins. When my grandparents were alive, I would see my cousins and uncle/aunt on holidays. After my grandparents passed away, I have only seen my cousins at their weddings over the past 15 years, because my father and his brother are not close.
I am friends with my cousins on Facebook. They have families with children, now. They also live a few states away from me. How do I let them know I would like a relationship with them, without being intrusive? I would not mind getting on a plane to go visit them, but they also live in areas that I would not go to if not to visit them. — Cousin Wannabe
Dear Cousin: Facebook is not good for many things, but it is a great tool for connection, and reconnection.
You start by liking and commenting on their posts. You could build connection by posting old photos featuring all of you (if you have them), and tagging them.
Basically, extend your kindness and convey your interest in their lives. This could lead to a better real-world connection between all of you.
Dear Amy: “Concerned Daughter” was worried because her 89-year-old, unlicensed mother was driving her car around the block.
How about this? Before Mom mows down a 9-year-old bicyclist, take the keys, sell the cars and confirm her access to friend and family chauffeurs. — Been There, Done That
Dear Been There: Many families could not pull this off successfully. But yes, this is an obvious solution.
OZ AND ROIZEN: A loving heart loves you back
The record for the world’s longest-lasting marriage belongs to Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher, who were married for nearly 87 years before Herbert’s death at 105 in 2011. (Zelmyra died two years later, also at 105!) They claimed the best marriage advice they received was: “Be faithful, honest and true. Love each other with all your heart.”
Research published in the journal BMJ Heart confirms the wisdom of their words. It turns out marriage wasn’t good just for their emotional well-being; it likely contributed to their longevity too. The scientists looked at 30 studies involving over 2 million people and found that married people had a 42 percent lower risk of developing any cardiovascular disease and a 16 percent lower risk of coronary artery disease compared with single people.
If you’re not married, don’t
worry. There’s plenty of evidence that social support of any kind reduces stress and is good for your heart. A 2016 review of data on more than 180,000 adults found that in contrast to the health of folks who feel connected and engaged, those who are lonely, isolated or both have a 29 percent increased risk of heart attack and 32 percent higher stroke risk.
So, single or married, surround yourself with family and friends who boost your mood, help you relieve stress and offer valid, healthy advice. Make it a goal to have a daily phone call or email with a support buddy or someone you love, and get together with someone you care about at least once a week.
Robert Downey Jr. Shares Marvelous Marriage Advice
Ever since Iron Man premiered 10 years ago, Tony Stark has had one of the most stable relationships in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as he prepares to get married to Pepper Potts. That stability is reflected behind the scenes with star Robert Downey Jr., who has been married to producer Susan Downey for nearly 13 years.
The actor took to social media to share the secret of their marital success, chalking it up to one simple aspect that he hopes other people learn from. It’s simple: just be a Marvel fan.
Pro tip: Marry a marvel fan. pic.twitter.com/l2jtvwt0c1
— Robert Downey Jr (@RobertDowneyJr) August 4, 2018
Susan Downey has long collaborated with her husband ever since meeting on the set of Gothika, which she produced. She’s produced all of Robert Downey Jr.‘s Sherlock Holmes movies, and even produced Iron Man 2. She’s currently working on The Voyage of Doctor Doolittle, which will be out in 2019.
But Tony Stark, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have it as easy as his acting counterpart. While Tony and Pepper seemingly got engaged at the end of Spider-Man: Homecoming, their relationship took a blow when Iron Man was whisked away into outer space in an attempt to thwart Thanos’ plan to attain the Infinity Stones in Avengers: Infinity War. It’s unlikely that he ever made that dinner reservation.
It sounds like Pepper and Tony will bounce back, though, especially given the hints in the movie and behind the scenes.
In one pivotal scene at the beginning of Avengers: Infinity War, Tony and Pepper are jogging in Central Park when he tells his fiancé about a dream he had where they had a kid, assuming she was pregnant.
While responding to questions for the Vudu Viewing Party event, co-directors Joe and Anthony Russo iterated that “it was a dream, but dreams are mysterious.”
Earlier this year, when the official Infinity War magazine came out in conjunction with the film, Pepper Potts actress Gwyneth Paltrow might have let a major spoiler slip in regards to next year’s Avengers 4.
“Pepper and Tony have had a real long journey together,” Paltrow states. “She obviously starts as his dutiful assistant, and then the relationship evolves, and now this decade later they’re married, and they have a child. Their relationship has evolved in all of the ways that great romances evolve.”
Is Iron Man on the cusp of attaining the happiness that Downey Jr. has achieved? We’ll find out next year when Avengers 4 premieres in theaters on May 3, 2019.
