Category Archives: marriage advice
Starts at 60 Daily Joke: A man asks his father for marriage advice
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, ‘of course, they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will’, ever since that day, son, we have never a single problem,” he explained.
Long marriage now seems thoroughly broken
Dear Amy: I’ve been married for more than 30 years, through good times and bad.
Right now times seem bad.
My husband has been retired for eight years from his job as a local trucker. He mostly worked nights.
When he was working, he blamed his bursts of anger on a lack of sleep. Well, many years post-retirement, he still has outbursts of swearing and yelling.
Back in the day, I would engage in the confrontations. Then when I was about 40, I made a decision that I just didn’t want to fight anymore. Instead, I disengage. Adults should be able to have conversations without shouting and cursing.
I told my husband that I don’t feel loved, and I don’t even feel liked. Therefore, I’m not interested in having sex with him, because he doesn’t seem to love – or even like – me. He has not confirmed or denied – or disclosed – his feelings about me.
There have been occasions, when I’ve been drinking, when we have had sex, which I do not remember in the morning. What would you call that?
– Wondering
Dear Wondering: I would call that either blackout drinking (or a date rape drug), accompanied by sexual assault; or (possibly) a psychological phenomenon called dissociation.
Dissociation is how some people cope with trauma – by basically detaching themselves from reality.
This is an armchair guess of mine (I’m not a psychologist), but if you are dissociating, it could have started with your (healthy) choice years ago not to engage in your husband’s rages. Dissociation is an extreme form of detachment.
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If your drinking isn’t causing you to black out and have memory lapses, then it’s possible that you are reacting to your sexual experiences with someone you don’t love (or even like) by basically blocking out the whole episode.
If you are drunk or drugged, you cannot legally consent to sex. I assume the same standard applies to psychological injury or impairment. Your relationship with your husband seems to be thoroughly broken. It would be best for you to part, unless or until you two figure out how to communicate peacefully. And obviously, you should take an honest look at your alcohol consumption.
Dear Amy: I just received an invitation to a friend’s wedding.
The marrying couple is requesting that all of their guests bring a potluck dish to share at the reception.
This is not a small family wedding! My first thought was that they could not afford a caterer; however, they are providing both a sandwich bar and an open alcohol bar.
I don’t understand the reasoning. Does the dish count as my gift, or is the couple expecting both?
I won’t even get into the food safety issues! Is this a new thing?
– Confused
Dear Confused: I wonder if there is a marrying couple brave enough to host a “throw-back” wedding – where the reception consists only of sparkling drinks and cake – and guests sip, sup, enjoy and go home? Modern weddings have become festivals.
With an open bar, your friends seem determined to get their guests good and drunk. For the money they are spending on alcohol, they could instead buy a few salads for their guests to enjoy along with the sandwiches.
I don’t think “potluck” weddings are a huge trend, but they do happen. For hosts to throw one successfully, they should put a lot of thought, planning and effort into it – giving guests some direction, cuisine-wise, asking guests to provide ingredient lists, and providing the means to keep hot foods hot and cool foods cold. They should also provide designated help to take in food as guests arrive, set it out and then take away and wash empty containers.
You should not count on any of this happening.
If you decide to attend this wedding, yes, you should bring a dish to share. In terms of the food safety risk, you should always try to find out exactly what you are eating, and if in doubt, only eat my Aunt Lena’s molded green salad. It contains both pineapple pieces and marshmallows!
No, your potluck offering does not “count” as your wedding gift.
Dear Amy: “Worried Dad” described his son-in-law, a physician, as being increasingly absent-minded and accident-prone.
I have ADHD, and much of what was described in this letter would apply to me. People with ADHD are often misdiagnosed.
– Reader
Dear Reader: Many readers added their speculation to my own. My concern was that this man’s symptoms seemed to be getting worse.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
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How to Keep a Long-Term Marriage Thriving, According to 7 Happily Married Men
Marriage is talked about as though it’s a marathon. Marriage is about work! Marriage is about effort! About communication and romantic gestures! It’s about discipline and listening to your body! About staying hydrated! All these things make marriage sound not fun. But marriage is fun. Is it true that happy marriages do involve a great deal of effort and a ton of communication? Yeah, but it’s also about the little things. Ask any long-term couple, and they’ll tell you that marriage is a series of small things that build up over time that either make or break a relationship. That’s why we spoke to a variety of husbands about the small things they do to keep their marriages strong and healthy.
I Make A Point To Prioritize Date Nights
For couples with kids, it’s really hard to find time to get away. But it’s seriously important to take the focus off the children and put the focus on each other. Damon Nailer says he and his wife go to a movie every single weekend — no matter what’s in theaters. “We constantly go out on dates. On dates, we get to spend undivided, quality time with each other — away from the kids.” Even when they don’t have time to get away for hours at a time, they try to go get coffee alone. A bit of time without the kids where they can feel like adults is the real priority for them.
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I Remember the Little Things She Mentions
“We have an Asian supermarket nearby, and there’s a particular kind of Asian candy that she likes,” says John Ordover, who has been married for more than 20 years and lives in Brooklyn with his special needs child and his wife. “When I go there, I always snag her some.” But for John, it’s about the big and the small things. “Once, when she was on bedrest during her pregnancy, for her birthday, I brought some violinists into the house, which was quite a surprise for her.”
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I Revisit Places We Used To Love When We Were First Dating
Shlomo Slatkin, a certified Imago relationship therapist from Baltimore, and his wife operate a marriage advice program, so they know a lot about keeping long-term relationships alive. He says that he likes to plan trips to old haunts, as they remind him and his wife about the early days of their relationship. “Revisiting a physical place where we have fond memories is another way to return back to the time where we once felt the spark in our relationship,” he says. “By returning to that place and remembering those positive experiences, we can actually relive in our mind and heart what happened.”
I Learned My Wife’s Love Language
“I realized a long time ago that I have control in making my wife happy, once I learned what actually makes her happy,” says Harrison Rogers, a father of four. He and his wife took a love language test together and found that his language is verbal while hers is actions. “This,” he says, “taught me that my wife is way more impressed with me taking the time to finish building storage sheds she’s been asking for, than my successful business ventures. In turn, she would verbally express her gratitude for me more often.”
I Use Surprise Romantic Gestures
“I take her places we’ve never been, and she doesn’t know when or where we’re going,” says Bill Fuller, a father of two. When he plans these surprise trips, he also takes care of all of the logistics of the date: the babysitters, the reservations, the planning. If he and his at a venue for a band they both planned to see, sometimes he’ll talk to someone in the band and ask them to play a song or two that she likes. “It’s thoughtful and the surprises can be big or small, as long as they’re surprises.”
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I Court Her Once A Month
“I think the basic things that a husband should not forget is to court his partner at least once a month,” says Ulysis Calabrian, who has been married for 14 years. “It’ll take her back in time when you where the relationship was still new. I use Post-It notes and quickly write a love note and stick it on her car’s dashboard or in the refrigerator. That message will be the first words that will stick to her brain that day.”
I Just Compliment Her
“It sounds a bit trite,” says Mark Wildes, who has been with his wife for more more than 20 years, “but telling your wife how great she looks and expressing gratitude for even small things goes a long way. My wife goes out of her way for the kids and me all the time, so I show my gratitude verbally and physically, maybe with small gifts here and there. I think it makes her feel appreciated.”
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Dear Abby: Visits with parents bring tears to daughter's eyes
A daughter has severe allergies every time she visits her parents house.
A daughter has severe allergies every time she visits her parents house.
Photo: Tom & Dee Ann McCarthy/Getty Images
Here are our editor’s picks of the best advice from Dear Abby:
Here are our editor’s picks of the best advice from Dear Abby:
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Dear Abby: My parents live a simple life, enjoying their days as retirees. They invite me to join them for special occasions at their house (my childhood home) and although the house is organized and tidy, I become ill when I spend more than a few hours under their roof. Their cleaning practices are questionable. They simply rinse plates and utensils after use, as opposed to using the dishwasher. Within an hour of arriving, the dust makes my allergies and asthma flare up. They prefer to launder clothes, sheets, blankets, etc., only occasionally out of concern about “wasting water” and money. Their dog and cat have urinated throughout the house, and my parents claim to not be able to smell it. I don’t want to hurt their feelings by declining their invitations, but I can’t stand to get sick every time I walk through their door. Help!
Sneezing in the Suburbs
Dear Sneezing: You’re right, you can’t. That’s why it’s time to speak up and tell your parents your allergies flare up when you visit their house. If you’re expected to spend the night there, tell them that from now on you’ll sleep at a hotel/motel nearby. And before using them, either wash their eating utensils or take your parents out for meals, which will make it easier on all of you.
Dear Abby: My ex-wife took my 8-year-old son to a gay pride parade last week. She snapped a picture of him holding a rainbow flag and posted it to social media. I don’t feel comfortable with my son attending gay pride parades. I think he’s too young to be exposed to this kind of thing. I’m not concerned about him being gay, that’s not the issue. Some attendees of these parades can be sexually provocative. I want my son to be a kid and have a happy childhood. What’s a good way to talk to his mother about this?
Happy Childhood in the East
Dear Happy: Children exposed to adult activities should be prepared beforehand. Of course, much depends on the maturity level of the child. The police usually keep a close watch on these gatherings to ensure public safety. Children younger than 8 have attended these parades with their parents or other loved ones with no unpleasant aftereffects. If anything obscene had happened at the event your ex-wife took the boy to, you would have heard about it. Feeling as you do, you should absolutely raise this subject with your ex — if only so she can reassure you.
Dear Abby: My husband and I will soon celebrate our 32nd wedding anniversary. It bothers me increasingly that he doesn’t wear a wedding ring. He says a ring bothers him when he is working, but he has been retired for most of our marriage. He wears a chain with two pendants as well as a large gold bracelet every day. When I bring it up, he says he tells everyone he meets that he’s married or mentions me in conversation. I’m not worried about him being unfaithful. I just like the way a ring looks and makes me feel. Advice?
Symbolic in Florida
Dear Symbolic: You have been married — I presume happily — for 32 years. Not every man is comfortable wearing a ring. (My husband happens to be one of them.) My advice is to stop obsessing, let it go and let him be himself.
