Relationships Talk

By

Rachel Johnson for The Mail on Sunday

Published:
19:27 EDT, 12 May 2018

|
Updated:
07:46 EDT, 13 May 2018

As the May wedding season gets into full swing, those of us who entered the state of holy matrimony many moons ago will no doubt be tempted to share our top tips when it comes to a lasting marriage. Mine may surprise you.

Most of us can cope with almost anything so long as we’ve had a good night’s sleep. My husband and I have been through most things to keep the plot moving forward: children, rows about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, life-threatening illnesses, being sacked (both of us), children leaving home, our dog dying, the works. But the one thing that I can’t cope with is snoring. I lie there frozen with fury, then I prod him. ‘Snoring!’ I hiss. He wails ‘I’m not even asleep’ or ‘But I’m only breathing!’

I’ve been driven to recording on my iPhone the window-rattling honks and bellows of my bedmate after only a few ales with his friend Eddy, for replaying as proof.

Most of us can cope with almost anything so long as we’ve had a good night’s sleep

So some might say ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath’ or ‘Let most of the little things go’. Others will drone on about ‘date nights’ or even make brave stabs at ringfencing windows for marital relations in the family Google Calendar.

But I say work, rest and play keeps the divorce lawyers at bay, with the emphasis always on rest. I went to a Jewish wedding in Gloucestershire last weekend, and the female rabbi duly told B and M all about the bumps on the road ahead. The older and wiser guests exchanged knowing glances, for we knew the road ahead was tough. But divorce can be even more hellish, and after prolonged and detailed study of the species, and a quarter century of marriage, I have this advice to offer in prelude to divulging my exclusive tip. Women may be maddening in their own many and varied ways, but all men are equally annoying in terms of husband material. Some are untidy cooks, strew wet towels and dirty underpants in their wake, never wipe surfaces, or snore. Some – naming no names – do all of the above.

Yet there’s no point in changing horses mid-race, as you will just come unstuck at Becher’s Brook with another one. So you might as well save on time, money, legal fees and heartbreak and stick with the ride you’ve got. Whatever you do or don’t do (as you can tell, I am in full female rabbi mode now), you have to work to make it work. You have to find hacks to save your marriage, and here – ta da! – is my solution to the all-too-common problem of men snoring even ‘while awake’ and then denying it.

According to estate agents, the super-rich have a way round the endemic problem of nocturnal disruption, that makes one not merely want to divorce but murder your other half. There’s a new trend of carving out ‘annexes off the master suite’ – they’re nicknamed snore rooms or quarrel rooms, and they contain another bed.

Well, I’ve tried the poor man’s alternative – deportation to a child’s old bedroom – as well as the shove, but nothing has really worked. Until, that is, a friend told us about a contraption she made her husband wear nightly: a white rubbery plastic mouth guard that ‘gently holds your jaw in the right position’ as you sleep and ‘helps you breathe easily and quietly’.

Pop it on and hey presto! As advertised, the midnight symphony of a congested warthog or a revving Harley-Davidson does, as if by magic, subside. Yes, the Snoreeze saved my marriage. And maybe my husband’s life too. You can get the devices in Boots.

‘It cost £38.95 to sleep with my wife,’ I overheard my husband say the other day. ‘If I want to maintain my precarious place in the marital bed, that’s what it cost me.’ After 25 loooong years of marriage, I’d say I was cheap at the price.

This costume freak show froze my blood

I have a little list of hideous semi-oxymorons: Fun run. All-day breakfast. Romantic city break. American cheese. Inspirational Basketware (a warehouse I once spotted). But after the freak show in New York – featuring Rihanna who came as the Pope, SJP who upstaged her as the Popemobile, and Jared Leto who appeared as Jesus – we have a hands-down winner for the most blood-freezing two words in the Anglo-sphere for 2018: costume gala.

After the freak show in New York – featuring Rihanna who came as the Pope, SJP who upstaged her as the Popemobile, and Jared Leto who appeared as Jesus – we have a hands-down winner for the most blood-freezing two words in the Anglo-sphere for 2018: costume gala

Jezza’s resting on stolen laurels 

I watched Jeremy Corbyn’s new ad for the Labour Party – and it was two mins of my life I’ll never get back. My objection? Every single achievement he hailed – from the foundation of the NHS to the Good Friday Agreement via devolution – had nothing to do with him (such a common male syndrome there’s even a new word for it: ‘he-peating’ is when a woman has an idea and everyone ignores it, then a man repeats her exact same idea to rapturous acclaim). 

I want to see at least some scars on the Labour leader’s own back before his next emission, please.

PS. The new leader of Haringey Council is a Momentum fellow who declared himself ‘proud and humbled’ to be elected. Pah! I do wish winners everywhere just said ‘Thanks! I deserved this’ in their acceptance speeches.

Bafta winners tonight might take note.

Psst! Hot Royal goss! Got this from an event last week with the Countess of Wessex, who made an excellent off-the-cuff speech, by the way, to honour Asian Women of Achievement. 1. Yes, Sophie is looking forward to the Wedding. 2. Yes, she has got her outfit all planned. 3. No, she hasn’t met Prince Louis yet. More, much more of this next week… but, in the meantime, didn’t Her Majesty look well at the Royal Windsor Horse Show last week? I can’t think of any 92-year-old who rocks a powder-blue cardi better.

What can Meghan Markle expect as an American woman marrying into British aristocracy?

To find out, InsideEdition.com spoke to Julie Montagu, who is originally from Sugar Grove, Ill. She married Luke Montagu, Viscount of Hinchingbrooke and the son of the Earl of Sandwich, 14 years ago and now resides in London.

Even after all these years, she’s still adjusting to her life in the U.K.

“Even to this day I’m very nervous,” Montagu told InsideEdition.com. “… but then I know that when I mess up, it’s OK.”

Montagu, who is known for her role in Bravo’s “Ladies of London,” says she is happy Prince Harry is marrying an American and believes Markle is a perfect match for him.

With the new marriage, the viscountess has some advice for Markle before she weds her prince on May 19.

“It’s gonna take Meghan a long time to get her head around that House of Windsor,” Montagu said.

Montagu admits she has witnessed “English snobbery” due to her American background.

Montagu met Luke 15 years ago as a single mom with two children and was not aware of his role until three months into their relationship.

“He had to sit on the 45-minute ferry over to explain to me that his family is basically the Earl of Sandwich family,” she said.

She noted the differences between traditions and rules in England vs. that of America.

She says it is a rule to come down for breakfast dressed and ready to go, never in pajamas.

Another known rule is that the husband and wife never sit together at formal dinners; they must sit next to strangers and make conversation.

“You just sit down and then the first courses get served and you speak to somebody on your left,” she explained. “And then you know that when the next course gets served you have to switch sides and speak to the person on your right.”

Montagu says Meghan has most likely gone shooting with Harry on the weekends and knows about the daily tea practices.

Along with this, she believes Meghan will take part in elevenses, which is a break at 11:00 a.m. that entails drinking slow gin that, unlike the gin in America, is an alcohol that comes from a fruit and it is very colorful. After the gin comes hot tomato soup with vodka and sausages.

She also emphasized the long, country walks after digesting meals.

“Then you get done eating and everybody goes out, rain or shine, mostly rain, and going for these long English country walks all the time,” she said.

The biggest advice Montagu has for Markle is to just be herself.

“If she messes up, which she probably will — and it probably has already happened — just be like, ‘Yup, that’s me,'” she said.

She added: “Stay American.”

“One of the most endearing qualities that she has to give to the Royal family is this… wonderful, infectious American enthusiasm,” she said. “Stay American. Keep the American accent and keep being vocal about her passions.”

Montagu says she looks forward to the wedding and cannot wait to be at Windsor Castle reporting on the celebration.

“I’m obsessed with both of them,” she said.

Markle will join Montagu in the small collection of American princesses who also include Grace Kelly and Rita Hayworth.

“Million Dollar American Princesses: Meghan Markle” premieres Sunday, May 13 at 9 p.m. on the Smithsonian Channel.

RELATED STORIES:

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Recreated in Mock Royal Wedding Made of Nearly 60,000 Legos

Royal Wedding Gowns Through the Ages: See the Photos

Royal Wedding Poses on the Famous Buckingham Palace Balcony

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I read a lot of articles and books on self-help and leadership. I’m regularly amazed at how pertinent the advice given in these materials is to marriages.

I recently read an article attributed to the late Jim Rohn that has wonderful advice for an individual to improve their life. But what I think is even more interesting is how this same advice is helpful for improving a miserable marriage.

Here are his 13 tips for how to improve your life and how I believe they can improve your unhappy marriage:

1. Face your fears. If you’re honest with yourself, one of your biggest fears is that you’ll always be unhappy in your marriage and that your dreams of happily ever after were just pipe dreams courtesy of Disney (http://disney.com/) and all the other fairy tales you heard as a child.This fear, like any other, doesn’t disappear just because you try to ignore it. You need to face your fear and conquer it. Either you put your all into making your unhappy union better or you continue to live with the disquiet of knowing you are settling for what is because you’re too afraid (lazy?) to do differently.
2. Exercise your willpower to change direction. If you know that your marriage is heading in the wrong direction you must take action and choose to change things.Will it be easy? Probably not because there’s some inertia to overcome, but the alternative is to accept mediocrity and I know you didn’t marry with the goal of living a mediocre life together.
3. Admit your mistakes. Yup, you’ve made mistakes along the way and will probably make more. The quickest way to put the mistakes behind you and prevent them from festering in your spouse’s heart and mind is to admit when you’re wrong as soon as you realize it and then apologize to your love.Yeah, it might be difficult to start this one off especially if you believe that your mate has more to apologize for than you do, but be the model on this one. Bravely set the standard for how your marriage will be from this moment forward.
4. Refine your goals. The dreams you both had for “happily ever after” when you married probably need a bit of upgrading now that you’ve been together for a while. So sit down together and figure out what your new “happily ever after” can and should look like so that you’re both proud to call each other spouse again.Your spouse isn’t ready to do this yet? Well, there’s nothing to stop you from upgrading your own expectations for the marriage and then start working toward them.
5. Believe in yourself. One of the easiest ways to keep yourself motivated to reaching for your goal of turning an unhappy marriage into a happy one is to have self-confidence. Believing in yourself will enable you to continue doing what you need to do to make your marriage vibrant again (or know there’s nothing else to try to save your marriage).(Oh, and one of the most attractive things about anyone is self-confidence. Just saying that in case you’re feeling a tad unattractive which is one of the most common complaints of someone in an unhappy marriage.)
6. Ask for wisdom. You don’t have to have all the answers and neither does your spouse! Get the help you need in the form of books, articles, marriage counselors or even a coach. Use their advice and suggestions as a jumping off point for improving your marriage.
7. Conserve your time. One of the things that I’ve learned in my (second) marriage is that there’s only so much time in a day. I don’t need to spend any more time than necessary being unhappy or arguing with my husband. We’ve learned how to express ourselves and not fall into the trap of inflaming an argument. Our trick? We’ve adopted the motto “Work the problem.”Keeping this thought in mind when we express what the problem is allows us to stick to what’s at the root of the disagreement. Then, after we’ve each expressed and acknowledged the emotions, we can quickly move on to solving the problem.
8. Invest your profits. In a marriage, profits mean more than just money. They also include personal wins, happy times with your children and happy times together. Investing all of these profits means saving and building on them.One of the easiest ways to invest the profits of the happy times is to spend time together reviewing each day’s positive events. And if your spouse isn’t up to doing that with you just yet, you can always start a journal and start the practice with your children.
9. Live with intensity. At its best, life is a vibrant kaleidoscope of love and amazing experiences, but only if that’s how you approach it. Remember how vibrant life was when you first fell in love? Well, you can get at least some of that back if you start investing in living your life again instead of just going through the motions.
10. Find your place. A marriage is a partnership. Many times an unhappy union is rooted in unmet expectations and an imbalance in contributions to the marriage. Find the best place and way you can contribute to the success and happiness of your partnership.Obviously, your best place isn’t doing it all and your spouse’s best place isn’t doing it all either. Find where you both excel and capitalize on those strengths to improve your partnership and eliminate those nagging hurt feelings about unmet expectations and unfair distribution of work.
11. Demand integrity from yourself. Integrity is critical to the success of a marriage. The most common marriage vows include something along the lines of “to love, honor and cherish.” It’s impossible to fulfill these vows if you’re not being honest with yourself and your beloved.
12. Welcome the disciplines. No matter what the fairy tales told us when we were kids, the truth is marriage takes work. It requires discipline. Yet, the reward for having the discipline to work on your marriage Every. Single. Day. is the fairy tale ending of happily ever after.I don’t know about you, but that reward is enough for me (and my hubby) to work on my marriage every day. And yes, that does mean even those days when I’m not feeling my best because an “I love you” said with a stuffy nose still means a lot.
13. Fight for what’s right. If you’re spearheading the effort to shift your marriage from unhappy to wonderful, you can expect some push back from your spouse. They’ll push back because you’re changing things up and that means they’re going to need to change. And, honestly, they might believe it’s easier being lazy and living the with status quo or even that things really can’t get better.But you and I both know the truth of the matter. If your marriage is right, it’s worth fighting for. So keep moving forward and fight the good fight. Your honey will start adapting to the new when they’re ready (and if they don’t, then you know the better fight is to move on in a different direction).

 
These 13 tips for improving your marriage are complete. But they’re also high level. They don’t get down and dirty and give you the exact steps to take to turn around your unhappy marriage.

So be willing to experiment with these tips. Look at them regularly and see what new inspiration they spark and then roll up your sleeves and get into action.

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Photo: Getty Images

Dave Simpson / Opinion columnist

It’s graduation time, when callow (devoid of feathers) young people cross stages in silly hats, and are handed diplomas that may or may not land them a job.

So, once again, it’s also time for Dave’s Swell Advice to the Graduates, real, hands-on tips for success in life from a certifiably old guy who learned by making mistakes you don’t have to:

• Most of what you worry about in life won’t happen anyway. I worried that I wouldn’t graduate, wouldn’t find a job, wouldn’t get married, wouldn’t have kids, wouldn’t succeed, and wouldn’t have enough saved for retirement. At one point, I worried that my neck was too long. All of that worry for nothing. If you find yourself worried sick, go to bed early. You’ll feel better in the morning.

• Don’t be one of these people who hold everyone up in parking lots, waiting for the best parking spot to open up. I’ve had the best parking spot, and while nice, it wasn’t a life-changing event. Like your team winning the Super Bowl, the thrill fades pretty fast.

• Don’t look down on people who work with their hands. While you may have gone to college, chances are your plumber, your electrician, or the guy who fixes your car makes more money than you do, especially if you were an English major, like I was. When the toilet’s backed up, the last thing you need is an English major.

• It’s easier to be a Democrat than a Republican, because Democrats can always count on the support of the news media. Journalists will tell you that’s not true, but that’s fake news. You’ve got to be a masochist to be a Republican, these days.

• If you think socialism is a pretty cool idea, Google “Boris Yeltsin goes to the Supermarket” on your cell phone and see what a former Soviet leader thought about the incredible abundance we have in the United States. It may be cool to say you like socialism, but capitalism has brought more people up from poverty than any other system. What is it about freedom and options at the store that you don’t like?

• Speaking of cell phones, look up every now and then. Real life is as exciting as “Candy Crush.” And people walking into traffic peering into their cell phones is nature’s latest way to cull the herd. Don’t get culled.

• Save some money from every paycheck. You’ll need it when you get old like I am. And money in the bank is the best defense against jerk bosses. Always have enough money on hand to say “I quit.” This is way more important than most of the junk you spend your money on.

• Don’t eat at restaurants all the time. It’s too expensive. Get a Crock Pot.

• Things won’t make you happy. They just take up space in your garage. Money in the bank beats a bass boat in the garage for all but a tiny number of days per year.

• If you have a dollar, don’t spend $1.30. That sounds simple, but for most of my 67 years, it is a level of discipline that has eluded American politicians. (You and your kids, by the way, will pay the price for our profligacy. Thanks a lot.)

• Mow your lawn, don’t play your crazy music too loud, and feed your kid breakfast every morning. Don’t make the rest of us feed your kid at school. And know that if you text while driving, you’re an idiot, plain and simple. Wake up and smell the coffee.

• The notion that marriage will be endless bliss is pure bunk. Successful marriage is about doing dishes and taking out the garbage, not that Romeo and Juliet stuff. Endless love works in date movies, but marriage is a whole different kettle of trout.

• Go to the shooting range every now and then. It’s oddly therapeutic.

• Everyone gets to be a little crazy about something. For my wife, it’s Elton John concerts. For me, it’s a little cabin in the mountains. Savor it, because life is short.

• Call your mother. Someday, she won’t be there.

• And last, once again, the classic career advice from the great newspaper columnist Mike Royko:

“Bathe regularly.”

Contact Dave Simpson at davesimpson145@hotmail.com.