Relationships Talk

Updated 17 hours ago

There are special people in the life of a married couple who will always feel compelled to advise us. They can’t help themselves. It’s a primal, biological urge that is uncontrollable. Don’t try to stop it because you cannot. This demographic is unable to stand by and watch a mistake being made. And like a Jedi, they only become stronger with age, morphing into something preeminent. Something all powerful. The name for these galactic defenders of right and wrong? The In-laws!

It doesn’t matter how much responsibility you have or how many kids of your own you are raising, these dignitaries of justice will descend upon you with great acrimony in an attempt to remedy all of your flaws.

But you have to understand the language. It’s not as plainspoken as one might guess, but more like a riddle from Yoda, the true meaning “deciphered it must be.”

For instance, when the father-in-law makes an unannounced visit/inspection and he casually says, “you know, if your lawn mower is broken you can borrow mine,” it can be interpreted several different ways.

A. You are a great son-in-law and I’m here for you anytime you need me.

B. Your grass is getting far too high and you need to cut it.

C. You are not taking care of your responsibility as a man and provider, I don’t like how you are raising my grandkids, and I was against this marriage from the beginning.

As with many things in life, much is left to interpretation as we interact with these bastions of admonishment. One seemingly innocent comment can cause much trepidation and turmoil.

And sometimes, this same phenomenon can occur in a completely non-verbal exchange. Like when the mother-in-law stops by for a visit, then disappears, only to be found later in the kitchen with a bottle of cleanser and a rag, furiously scrubbing the sink, counter, oven and refrigerator crispers. How does the woman of the house translate that?

A. I love you my sweet daughter-in-law. You work hard and I want to help you out.

B. A woman should keep her kitchen clean.

C. You are a terrible housekeeper, I don’t like how you are raising my grandkids, and I was against this marriage from the beginning.

In-laws, simply put, are parents who have ascended to a new level of consciousness and are now authoritarians on all things that their child’s spouse does incorrectly. It’s not something that should be taken personally. It’s impossible for them to control — a force of nature that is no different than a blizzard or tsunami sweeping through your life. You must be ready for it, batten down the hatches when it arrives, and weather the storm the best you can.

So the next time one of these beacons of knowledge drops by and says something like, “In my day, timeout was used on a football field, not for hippy parenting,” just know that he really means, “My daughter is too good for you!”

Dave McElhinny is the North Bureau Chief for the Tribune-Review. Reach him at dmcelhinny@tribweb.com or via Twitter @DaveMcTrib.

Even people who would describe themselves as consistently happy can run into issues with a marriage partner. 

We are different people, and some friction and disagreements are inevitable between people who spent a lot of years together. 

It may be even truer now that we’re living longer, and many of us are determined not to add to the divorce statistics compiled by our parents’ generation. 

Psychologist Daphne de Marneffe used the obvious phrase for her book title: The Rough Patch.  The author tracks the stages of most marriages, and the challenges each presents. 

Dear Amy: I am a 41-year-old woman who has been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years. We have three beautiful children, ages 18, 16 and 12.

I love my family but tend to get bored with my husband.

As far as I know, he has been faithful to our marriage, but I, on the other hand, have not been faithful.

I don’t know whether to stay in the marriage or get a divorce, so that I may find a real soulmate.

I love him as a friend, but at the same time I would like to get away from him. Should I sacrifice my marriage for a chance to be truly happy with someone else? Although, I do know there is no such thing as a “happily-ever-after” relationship, I wonder if I should try to find it. —Unwillingly Happy

Dear Unwillingly Happy: What a strange way to sign your question! This signals that you either aren’t willing to be happy or your subconscious signed your letter and that you are happy against your will.

Let us please dispense with the notion of a “soulmate.” This is an invention designed to sell books that dangle the promise of a sort of relationship perfection that simply doesn’t exist for most (if not all) people.

For many, being peacefully married to your high school sweetheart and friend, as well as having three beautiful children, is the very definition of “happily ever after.”

But happily ever after starts with you.

You married young, and you are now headed into the great gaping maw of midlife. You have not stayed faithful to your husband (and your children). Cheating means that you are engaged in secret-keeping, and this further distances you from your family, interfering with intimacy.

One route to true happiness is to experience the joy and challenge of living an authentic life. In your case, it means getting to the bottom of what’s eating you, and not blaming your boredom with your husband solely on him.

Marriage or divorce is a binary choice, but life doesn’t really work that way. You leaving the marriage would have ripples of consequences across many lives, not just your own. There are many ways to try to salvage and reinvigorate a static marriage and boost and stimulate a static life. Cheating is not a healthy choice.

Therapy could help you to explore your own motivations and choices, including your baseline selfishness.

Dear Amy: A few days ago, I made a joke Tinder account with friends, with a fake age, job, etc., but all the pictures were my own.

Turns out, I really hit it off with a guy, and he was still interested after I told him my real information.

The thing is, he’s 23 and I’m 17. Is there any hope for a relationship? —Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: You should not be hooking up with strangers. Just as you lied about details in your profile, this guy could also be lying. Just because you eventually told the truth, doesn’t mean that he is telling the truth now.

It is simply not safe for you to engage in Tinder matching. It is risky enough among older people, but especially so when an adult expresses an interest in hooking up with a teenager.

So no — there is no hope for a relationship. Tinder in this context is not about relationship building. Furthermore, I doubt that he is looking to have the type of relationship you might be hoping for.

If you are determined to experience this algorithmic phenomenon, there are matching apps specifically for teenagers.

You should not be on Tinder’s over-18 site, and once he learned your real age, he should have “swiped left.”Dear Amy: I totally agree with you in your response to “Grounded Dad,” whose dilemma was about visiting grandparents who found the kids’ pot stash and called them out over it.

The grandparents were totally overstepping their bounds. They violated the family’s privacy by snooping and violated the parents’ rights by insisting that the kids should be punished in a specific way. If I were in their shoes, I would make sure these grandparents understood that they were no longer welcome for extended stays in the household. Additionally, it is hard to believe that pot is still exciting people into such hardcore responses. —Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: I can understand why parents become upset when they learn their children are smoking pot, but it is the parents’ role and right to handle this without outside interference.

Savannah, GA – You’ve heard the saying, ‘laughter is good for the soul.’ Apparently, it’s also good for your marriage.
There’s a lot of advice out there for couples on how to improve relationships– but according to Pamela Rountree, the one thing that makes a good marriage last is laughter.
Pam and her husband Larry share their story of surviving and thriving 35 years of matrimony in their hilarious memoir, ‘Here’s to a Couple of Laughs.”

The book is available now on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble. 

Click the arrow in the video box to watch our interview.

For a signed copy, email: coupleoflaughs01@gmail.com