Relationships Talk

(Ben Queenborough/Getty Images)Join a church

The Moroccan-French comedian Gad Elmaleh tells a funny story (of course he does; that’s his job) about going to a nightclub in Los Angeles, hoping to meet a girl. He feels too old for the scene, awkward, out of place. He sees one of those beautiful Los Angeles women and offers to buy her a drink: “I’m good,” she says, turning brusquely away. He is sometimes perplexed by the subtleties of English: “When a woman says ‘I’m good,’ that’s . . . not good.” A few minutes later, a couple of Frenchmen walk into the club. Elmaleh is not well known in the United States, but he is quite famous in France. The Frenchmen want to talk, and they ask for pictures and autographs. He’s a big deal to them. The blonde takes notice. “Who are you?” she demands. She offers to buy him a drink. “I’m good,” he replies.

A related (true) story: An attractive young woman is out for a drink with some girlfriends on a Saturday night after dinner. They strike up a conversation with a group of young men seated near them, one of whom takes an interest in the woman. He seems to her pleasingly old-fashioned, and at the end of the conversation he says very straightforwardly that he’d like to take her out for a date and asks for her phone number. “I’d love to do something tomorrow,” he says, “but I have an event at my church.” The word that stood out in that sentence, with an electric charge, was: church. She liked to go out with her friends and was not averse to a glass of wine or two, but the bar-hookup scene was not for her, and the idea of dating an old-fashioned churchgoing man was to her very appealing.

This is maybe not the most direct way to introduce the subject of public massacres.

We live in an age of highly publicized mass murder. The world overall has grown less violent, with both homicide and war casualties in decline worldwide, but murder-as-protest, or murder-as-temper-tantrum, is something relatively new and particular to our age of instantaneous mass communication. It’s the new suicide. “Goodbye, cruel world . . . and I’m taking some of you bastards with me.” It is murder in the pursuit of 15 minutes of Warholian fame. We in the media often are advised not to report the names of the perpetrators of these crimes — overwhelmingly young men — but even though the names are in fact widely reported, they fade quickly enough. The next time you’re around a couple of normal people (meaning people who are not media obsessives), try asking them to name the Columbine killers or the shooter in Aurora. You’ll be surprised by how few people remember the names. They’re old news.

The recent massacre in Toronto, in which a man drove a truck, Islamic State–style, into a crowd, saw the death of ten people and the injury of an additional 13. It also introduced the wider world to the term “incels” — “involuntary celibates” — sexually frustrated young men who apparently intend to try to transform themselves from figures of fun into figures of terror. They wouldn’t be the first: Jamie Farr’s “Sheik Abdul ben Falafel” was pretty funny in 1981, when the sheik was hoping to conquer the Cannonball Run in the name of Islam with only Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise standing in his way. It got a lot less funny for Americans around 2001. It was already a lot less funny and had been for some time in Israel, India, Egypt . . .

In the 1960s and 1970s, there were some social disruptions touching marriage and family life. It was, they told us, a “sexual revolution.” The thing about revolutions is: Somebody loses. The so-called incels are some of the losers in that revolution, though not the only ones or, socially speaking, the most significant ones. (Those would be the abandoned single mothers.) But their situation is worth considering.

With the name “incel,” they speak more truth than they know. Despite the common misunderstanding of the word, “celibate” does not refer to someone who abstains from sex. “Celibate” refers to someone who forgoes marriage — the part about not having sex is implied, at least in the Christian world, give or take an Alexander VI or two. “Chaste,” at the same time, doesn’t quite mean what people think it does: It refers principally to the abstention from extramarital sex, which in the case of the celibate means abstention from sex categorically. But chastity is part of marriage, too, describing a reverent attitude toward sex. In the Christian view (which is to say, in the view of Western civilization until ten minutes ago), the procreative act is the means by which men and women in union with one another participate in God’s creative work. “Chastity” means a lot more than mere abstinence. Chastity isn’t some kind of genital veganism.  

There has been some pretty elevated stuff written on that subject, and if you want to take that particular high road, then Professor Robert George of Princeton is your guy. But consider the low road, too. There’s another conclusion, maybe a little bit cynical, that could be drawn from this: If you are a sexually frustrated young man, the smart play would be to join a church.

Seriously. Join a church.

That advice won’t do much good for the guys toggling between anime porn and Reddit all night while concocting elaborate revenge fantasies. It probably is not the case that those guys are maladjusted fruitcakes because they can’t get a girl; more likely, they can’t get a girl because they’re maladjusted fruitcakes. But you more or less normal, nonpsychotic, workaday types having trouble meeting a girl: Join a church. Today. Or Sunday. If you don’t know which one to go to, pick whichever one your parents or grandparents went to, unless they were hippies or atheists, in which case go Catholic.

There are girls who want to go home with a guy they met at a bar, but, as many of you no doubt have discovered, you are not that guy. And if you were going to be that guy, you’d be him by now. The sexual revolution, like any revolution, has its cruelties. As Ross Douthat put it in the New York Times, “Like other forms of neoliberal deregulation the sexual revolution created new winners and losers, new hierarchies to replace the old ones, privileging the beautiful and rich and socially adept in new ways and relegating others to new forms of loneliness and frustration.” So maybe just cross the club off your list. On the other hand, there are girls who want to date — and marry — a guy they met in church. You know where you find those girls?

Church.

Most congregations — and practically every church committee that doesn’t have the word “men” in its title — are lopsidedly female. Maybe what gets those ladies out of bed on a Sunday morning is fire in the soul. But it’s a safe bet that some of them are there, at least in part, for the same reason you are: They are alone, and they do not want to be. And they don’t want to say “We hooked up after knocking down six Mango Madness Margaritas apiece at happy hour at Bennigan’s” when their parents and friends ask where they met. “We met at church” is a better opening chapter.

All you have to do to clear that first hurdle is show up. You’re a man, you go to church, ergo you are a churchgoing man. Maybe you go for self-interested reasons. Most churches are good with that: Lots of people come to church not because they fell off their ass on the road to Damascus but because they are lonely or because they are unhappy with some aspect of their lives. That’s okay. In Jesus’s time, a lot of people came mostly for the show and the bread and the fishes. Just park your ass on a pew and we’ll see about your immortal soul.

In the meantime, consider that there are women in the room who might not only be interested in dating you but who might be persuaded to make a public pledge — right there in the church — to have sex with you for the rest of your life, and enter into a legal arrangement fortifying that commitment. Marriage and fatherhood have been socially devalued. But that doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. And it probably wouldn’t kill you to listen to a sermon or two.

Join a church.

Gad Elmaleh became instantly intriguing in that Los Angeles club because he is famous. It’s hard to become famous. Churches will take anybody. The nice, old-fashioned, churchgoing guy in the story mentioned above? A creep, as it turns out: married and under a felony indictment. But, as Billy Graham said: If you find a perfect church, for God’s sake don’t join it. Join one of the other kind.

Home > News

Fall in cases requiring FMU support does not reflect reduced prevalence of forced marriage

In 2017, the Forced Marriage Unit (FMU) gave advice or support related to a possible forced marriage in 1,196 cases. These figures, released by the FMU, include contact that has been made to the FMU through the public helpline or by email in relation to a new case.

Since 2012, the FMU has provided support to between 1,200 and 1,400 cases per year. Whilst the number of cases in 2017 represents a 19% decrease compared with 2016, it does not represent a decrease in prevalence of forced marriage in the UK.

Of the cases, that FMU provided support to:

• 355 cases (29.7%) involved victims below 18 years of age; and
• 353 cases (29.5%) involved victims aged 18-25.

In 2017, the majority of cases, 930 (77.8%), involved women; 256 cases (21.4%) involved males. These proportions are in line with previous years.

The FMU says that forced marriage is not a problem specific to one country or culture. Since it was established in 2005, the FMU has handled cases relating to over 90 countries across Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Europe and North America.

In 2017, the FMU handled cases relating to 65 ‘focus’ countries. The top four countries with the highest number of cases in 2017 were:

• Pakistan – 439 cases (36.7%).
• Bangladesh – 129 cases (10.8%).
• Somalia – 91 cases (7.6%).
• India – 82 cases (6.9%).

The number of cases relating to Pakistan has decreased by almost 8% in comparison to the previous year. The biggest shift has occurred in Somalia, where the number of cases has increased over 100% year-on-year.In 2017, 120 (10%) of the cases had no overseas element, with the potential or actual forced marriage taking place entirely within the UK.

For the full statistics, click here.

10/5/18

Updated 16 hours ago

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My 35-year-old daughter makes sexy clothing choices that result in her looking trashy. She’s unmarried and wonders why. What can I say that will help her wake up?

— Anonymous

“As your parents, we gave you some messed up ideas on sexuality and a woman’s worth. I’m sorry about that, and I hope you can forgive us. You’re a wonderful person; not only is that all that counts, but you found your way there on your own in a lot of ways. I wish I’d understood all of this 30 years ago when it really would have helped you.”

Hi, Carolyn:

My husband and I are on a tight budget, so when there is a non-holiday event on my side of the family, I usually travel solo. Some family members usually ask where he is, and I tell them the truth — he had to work (which I feel is all the info. they need).

Recently, I traveled to a party for one of these family members, and I was met with little comments: “Where’s your husband?” “Oh, I guess we’ll never see him,” etc. This really bothered me since it is a sacrifice for either him or me to travel. I don’t feel like I should have to explain my finances, however, I felt really judged by them.

Do you have any advice on how to shut this down? I love my family but at this point I don’t want to visit.

— Bothered

Maybe their tone-deaf comments have soured you too much on these family members, but if not, then you could genuinely say: “You’d see him if you came to visit us! We’d both love that.”

Otherwise: “I wish you knew how badly he wanted to be here.”

Either way, brush the rest off as more your discomfort than theirs. If you felt good about going solo — meaning, if you had happier reasons for his not coming along — then you’d have no trouble brushing them off. Sometimes it’s just tough to get by.

Dear Carolyn:

I have had the month from hell. I discovered my husband has a porn addiction that could have bankrupted us had I not caught it by sheer happenstance. The crisis has been averted and we are both in therapy.

But the strain of these events has taken a toll. I can’t hide my discomfort about being with my husband, and friends are noticing. There hasn’t been any overt nosiness, just gentle inquiry about my well-being.

I don’t want to hurt my husband by broadcasting this mess, never mind my personal embarrassment, so how do I respond to well-meaning questions?

— Strained

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your marriage is hardly the first or last to be swamped by online temptations of some sort — so even though I doubt I can talk you out of your embarrassment, I hope I can at least assure you that almost everyone you know has been or knows someone who has been affected by the scourge of addictive media.

As for how to respond: The rules of deflection are the same as always, even when the degree of hell feels hotter than ever before. “Having the month from hell — I’ll manage though. Thanks for asking.”

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

As the founder of an online resource specializing in all things marriage (including divorce), I’ve come to learn that business relationships have many parallels to marriage and intimate relationships. They start with enthusiasm and passion, they grow through balance and communication, and they endure the peaks and valleys of life.

But sometimes, they also end. Divorce for couples comes in all forms, from amicable “we’ve both changed” separations to prolonged battles involving property and child custody. When you find a business partner, you’re investing your future in them; the commitment is akin to marriage. And the end of that partnership — the business divorce — is just like a marital one: It can be clean, or it can be ugly. Instead of kids and houses, you have vendors, staff and partners.

So, how do you prevent a business dissolution from getting ugly? Here are five key points to consider when you’re thinking of launching a business partnership. Heed these early on, and any possible separation down the road will be much less painful.

Your business partner: Finding Mr./Ms. Right

Nobody wants to plan for separation, but it helps to find someone who is compatible with your communication style and thought process: someone who can navigate your strengths and weaknesses with an underlying trust. In business relationships, this can be easier said than done. But when finding that perfect partner, it’s best to consider how well you work together in high-pressure situations. This should trump friendship, history and even ideas, because without it, things will become problematic at the first obstacle. This also makes dissolution much more collaborative rather than combative.

Vesting: The prenup

The one key difference between a marriage and a business partnership is that asking for a prenuptial agreement can often be accompanied by hurt feelings and suspicion. In marriage, it’s easy for one person to take it as an insult: a safety net doubling as a hedged bet. But in business, having clean and clear language about processes, protocols, vesting, expectations, and what belongs to whom is often acknowledged as smart and safe. This should be regularly reviewed and updated to smooth out all future paths. Remember, the goal is to grow your business into a large and successful entity, possibly a public one complete with a board and corporate rules. It might even be on the path to getting absorbed by a larger competitor. All of these avenues should be considered.

Partnership: The Marriage

Is it counterproductive to go into a marriage thinking it might fail? Only if you view it from a purely negative lens. But if you understand that the foundation of a successful marriage also works as a means to a clean and amicable separation, then it puts things into perspective. To that end, regular communication and honesty are absolute musts. Issues should be confronted head on, and the business equivalent of date nights — activities that strengthen team bonds — establish a history and communal experience that brings forth mutual respect. In most cases, that respect is the key ingredient that will bring about a peaceful dissolution.

Advisory boards: Counseling

What happens when those inevitable disputes pop up? Healthy couples go to a marriage counselor. For businesses, that means getting qualified outside opinions. Consultants, advisory boards, and other professional entities can provide objective insight towards practical solutions and mutually beneficial paths. They can act as intermediaries during a disagreement, a third party during brainstorming, or even a tie-breaker during a stalemate. As with a marriage, sometimes it means more when you hear it from someone else — and many times, the most important aspect of these discussions is letting your guard down and keeping an open mind.

Getting fired: The divorce

During the many ups and downs of a long-term relationship, you can both be good, respectful people, and yet things can still go sideways. In business, it’s much the same. Perhaps your partner’s interest has wandered into a different industry, or maybe you like working in a smaller startup environment. Whatever the case, now it’s time to move on. If you have followed the steps above from the very beginning of your journey, then you will most likely have a clear path to dissolution. This includes custody of assets and shares, severance packages, royalties and other practical matters within the business. The worst thing you can do is get deep into a business partnership without foresight into such critical matters.

In a marriage, separation terms are often based on stability for children. The business equivalent is a break that allows the actual company to continue running smoothly without impacting customers, stakeholders, vendors and staff. If all parties can walk away happy and keep the business running, then a separation is as smooth as it’s going to get.

Exit strategies

When two people enter into a marriage, they do so with the hope that it lasts forever. In business, though, there’s almost always some long-term plan, and that often includes an exit strategy. This may be the biggest difference between marriage and a business partnership: With love, you want it to last. With business, you want it to be successful, but perhaps to a point where you can leave. Whether your exit was loosely planned from the beginning or a byproduct of difficult times, remember that keeping a grounded, practical eye on dissolution from day one can mean that everyone walks away with no hard feelings.

Malini Bhatia is Founder & CEO of Marriage.com, a community of trusted experts that provide information and support on all things marriage.

This article first appeared on Business Collective. BusinessCollective, launched in partnership with Citi, is a virtual mentorship program powered by North America’s most ambitious young thought leaders, entrepreneurs, executives and small business owners.

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