Category Archives: marriage advice
Married, Female Professional, Out-Earning Spouse; Seeks Support Group
By Michelle Arpin Begina and Maureen Kelley
The dialogue about money has shifted for women and the tone of their voices has changed. No longer is the focus specifically on how to manage finances and make educated investment decisions. Women are having a now moment, asking for advice on how to best handle greater earnings and career success while maintaining a healthy marriage. Surprised by a combination of negative emotions and dissatisfaction at home and with their spouse, attempting to find balance in their powerful new role of wealth is a lonely journey for many.
Opportunities for support are rare and empathy for problems that arise from financial success is hard to come by. Melissa, a 43-year-old breadwinner, is private by nature especially when it comes to money. She is conflicted by the issues that financial success has brought upon her marriage and feels guilty about unpleasant feelings toward her husband. She just assumed she would have a balanced partnership and has lost respect for her husband, becoming resentful and questioning whether she is preventing him from being ambitious.
Seeking support, she opened up to her 63-year-old friend and mentor about the pressure and strain that out earning her husband had put on her marriage—to a highly-charged, emotional response. Unable to recognize or understand Melissa’s pain, she was told to, “Just deal with it and stop whining.” After all—opportunity, equal pay and breaking the glass ceiling are what women fought for for many years.
The strong wave of contemporary feminism is not going to diminish and will continue to impact our culture. Women have absorbed the changes of the last 50 years that have redefined what it means to be female in America. To be a girl today is to gain from decades of conversation about the complexities of womanhood, its forms and expressions. Women have been outpacing men in earned bachelors and master degrees since 1982 and doctorates since the mid-2000s. A secondary reshaping is underway with more 25- to 32-year-old women attending college than men. The gender-income gap is closer than ever with young women today earning 93 percent of the average hourly wage of men, and approximately 29 percent of women are earning more than their husbands.
Why then, if women are having career and financial success, are they so dissatisfied at home? Data from a 2013 study by Marilyn Bertrand at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business of 4,000 married American couples found that regardless of amount, once a woman earned more, divorce rates increased. The conflict arises from discussing money, more than the money itself, which leads to marital dissatisfaction and contributes to divorce. Unlike other arguments, money squabbles are more intense and take longer to recover from. Adding to dissatisfaction levels, studies reveal that gaps in housework actually widen when a woman is the primary breadwinner, leading men to do less childcare and work around the house. Some suggest this results from a perceived threat to their masculinity and women overcompensate for these feelings by doing more.
Many women never expected their income would be the foundation of the family’s financial resources, yet they and their husband navigate the situation successfully. One couple expressed a willingness to adapt for one another by creating a family model that places caring for their children above earned income without casting one spouse or the other into traditional gender roles. The husband remarked, “my identity is not tied to a job—it’s everything outside of that” and, “her opportunities were just too good for me to intervene.” The couple naturally created a working agreement on financial matters based on shared values of family, financial security, work flexibility, support and mutual respect.
The millennials are taking notice of the trend. Jenn, who describes herself as a 32-year-old serial dater, is now ready for a serious relationship. Having earned an MBA, she has a very successful career in finance. Now involved with a man whose vocation is carpentry, the reality is that they are very fiscally unequal. This imbalance has caused a lot of deep reflection and candid dialogue. She is uncertain as to whether this is a deal-breaker in a long-term relationship. Knowing she would be the major earner, she is realistic about the implications of a financial future together. “This is going to require a great deal of soul searching for me,” she commented.
Reflecting on fiscally unequal relationships, Jay Hughes, retired estate attorney and subject matter expert on fiscal unequals, says “the critical question is whether couples in such relationships can courageously accept their new situation and balance the powerful role of women and their wealth with the issues of male self-esteem. Just as new roles are being forged for women, so must new roles be forged for men.” Couples need to take a breath and evaluate who and where they are. Financial advisors can help by neutralizing and normalizing this issue. Since advisors are in the position of both knowing clients and understanding their finances, who better to assist? Money disagreements are normal and often stem from feeling unheard or unfairness—share this. Consider facilitating conversations that help clients renew family and financial goals, while staying focused on the current problem(s) and brainstorming potential solutions together. Begin by asking what expectations they have, what disappointments and what they would like from one another. In the process, help clients evaluate their satisfaction with household and parenting issues (that require financial resources) and money-related issues. In the end, the couple may rewrite their scripts that modernize and honors the set of values they each have.
Michelle Arpin Begina is a Senior Managing Director, Snowden Lane Partners
Maureen Kelley is a Senior Consultant, MADRE Financial
Silicon Valley relationship experts reveal their three best pieces of advice for couples
Last November, I got married.
In the months leading up to the wedding, I was mostly consumed with floral arrangements, invitation fontsband shoes that wouldn’t cause me to trip down the aisle. Now that those details are behind me, I’m on a new quest: Searching for the best marriage advice I can find.
To that end, I recently interviewed a series of relationship experts who are married to each other. I asked them about the strategies they not only preach, but also practice behind closed doors.
Two of my interviewees were Peter Pearson, PhD and Ellyn Bader, PhD, who run the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and work with many entrepreneur couples in Silicon Valley. Pearson and Bader have seen it all, and they’ve come up with creative strategies to help resolve conflict, both in their clients’ marriages and in their own.
1. Before you do any big project, decide which of 3 decision-making strategies you’ll use
Bader shared a technique she and Pearson teach many of the couples they see: Decide in advance of a big undertaking (like a home renovation) which of three decision-making strategies you’re going to use.
a) unilateral
b) equilateral
c) 51/49%
Unilateral means one partner gets to make the decision and the partners don’t have to agree. Equilateral means each partner has an equal say, and they’re “willing to hash it out and stay with it until they both agree.”
51/49% is the most interesting, and often the most effective, Bader said. The partner with 51% of the say gets to make the final decision, but the partner with 49% trusts that the 51% partner will take into account what they want.
In the example of home renovations — which, by the way, can be a huge source of relationship conflict — it makes sense for the 51% partner to do more of the work. For example, they might be the one to choose the sinks and the colour palette.
“They can solicit input, but they don’t have to get into the conflictual discussions,” Bader said. “It makes things go a whole lot easier smoother and it supports that kind of interdependency of ‘Okay, I’m going to trust you and rely on you and let you carry the load for this project.'”
2. Know the ‘why’ in your relationship
Pearson and Bader have different feelings about clutter: Pearson doesn’t mind it; Bader can’t stand it.
The only way to reach an agreement about the level of clutter that’s acceptable in the house, Pearson said, is to figure out and keep in mind the “why.”
“Why would I be interested in putting forth the effort of less clutter? Why would Ellyn be interested in relaxing her standards a bit?” Pearson said. “We need a bigger picture.”
In the case of any disagreement, the question that both partners should be asking themselves is, “How does changing this dynamic, this problem, improving this area fit into a bigger picture of what we want to create in our marriage?”
The “why” varies from couple to couple, Pearson said. It’s about what you want to create more of as a twosome, whether that’s peace, happiness, or personal fulfillment.
3. Listen to your partner with curiosity
Pearson admitted this tip can be hard to implement — even for people who are trained in the science of relationships (ahem).
Let’s go back to the clutter example. Instead of lashing out and asking Pearson, “Why are you such a slob?” Bader might say, “It seems to me you have a pretty relaxed standard around clutter,” and then ask a question like, “In your family of origin, how did they deal with clutter?”
“That requires a lot of emotional restraint, a lot of emotional editing, a lot of putting your ego out of the way,” Pearson said. But the end result is that, instead of getting into a major blow-out, you actually have a productive conversatio
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Read the original article on Business Insider UK. © 2018. Follow Business Insider UK on Twitter.
Sonam Kapoor's reel-life weddings: 5 times the actress faced marriage issues
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Bollywood actress Sonam Kapoor is getting married on May 8 in real life with her long time beau Anand Ahuja who is Delhi based designer. But before she ties the knot we will look into the list of movies in which Sonam got married or she was just about to get married. In some movies she played a perfect housewife and one movie she played a thug wife, But all this are in reel. However, her father Anil Kapoor has given a best marriage advice to his children in an interview with Hindustan Times in 2015, Anil Kapoor had the best advice concerning marriage for daughters Sonam and Rhea. “Things have changed now. It all depends on what makes them happy. I tell them to only think of marrying when it makes them happy and not any time soon. Dont marry for the sake of marrying,” he had said.
Than You
It is a multi-starrer film in which Sonam plays Bobby Deol’s wife, and the movie deals with how husbands cheats on their wives. It is a romcom film directed by Anees Bazmee and produced by UTV Motion Pictures. It also features Akshay Kumar in the lead role.
Prem Ratan Dhan Payo
Sonam plays love interest of Salman Khan, and a princess in the film. Just like old Hindi films, the movie has many twist and turns all things come to rest in end and later Sonam gets married to Salman and they live happily.
Dolly Ki Doli
The thug woman who marries men for money and later disappears after the marriage on the first night. Sonam Kapoor marries men from different religions and runs away with their wealth on the night of the wedding. Her entire family consists of con artists.
Raanjhanaa
The movie is a love triangle based in Varanasi , and features Dhanush who is in love with Sonam since childhood. Later Sonam goes to Delhi for her higher studies after she returns she ignores Dhanush, as she is in love with Abhay Deol, a college friend. She was about to get married but due to religion barrier her marriage didn’t happen.
Veere Di Wedding
The story of the film revolves around four friends Kareena Kapoor Khan, Sonam Kapoor, Swara Bhaskar and Shikha Talsania in lead roles, it deals with the problems of marriage. The film is slated to release in June.
Talking about her real wedding, the ceremony for the pre-wedding has been started, and yesterday mehendi ceremony took place where all her close pals and family members were present. For the mehendi ceremony, Sonam Kapoor chose a peach and gold lehenga and she looked radiant.
Can retirement ruin your marriage?
I’m looking forward to retiring with my husband.
And we have a plan. We when retire, we’ll devote even more of our time to financial literacy projects. We both love helping people manage their money, and we already team teach. We volunteer at local prisons conducting money management classes for inmates, especially those who are about to be released. At our church, we are instructors for a 12-week money-management class for married couples.
Still, right now, most of our time is spent apart. So I wonder what will it be like when it’s just us 24/7?
“While you may view retirement as a long-anticipated emancipation from the work world, it is also a period of considerable change and adjustment,” writes Dave Hughes, founder of the Retire Fabulously website. “If you are married, some of the most profound changes will take place within the context of your relationship with your spouse. For some couples, the fact that they have been drifting apart for years could be masked or ignored because most of their time and attention is devoted to their careers or raising a family. For these couples, suddenly spending more time together may present a reality they aren’t prepared for.”
A retirement study by Fidelity Investments found that 1 in 3 couples aren’t on the same page when asked to describe their expected lifestyle in retirement.
Hughes offers suggestions to help couples navigate life in retirement. His first tip: Share your visions of retirement. “Perhaps you are anticipating years of travel and adventure while your spouse is envisioning staying home and relaxing, gardening or playing golf. You should talk about issues such as how much time you will spend visiting your children and grandchildren and whether you want to explore new interests or volunteer.”
Read more: 10 Tips to Help Your Marriage Survive Retirement
One of the major issues that can cause friction in a marriage arises when one spouse wants to retire and the other doesn’t.
Maybe you should consider whether retiring together makes sense.
“Retirement is a complex and expensive phase of life,” certified financial planner Mark P. Cussen wrote for Investopedia.com. “When couples stagger their retirement dates, they can reap both financial and emotional rewards that will make this vital transition easier.”
Read more: Retirement: The One Thing Couples Shouldn’t Do Together
A reader wrote to me once that she felt she was being held hostage by her husband’s decision to retire.
“My husband is facing a medical issue that will probably mean the loss of his current job,” the woman wrote. “He just told me that he’s planning to retire after his surgery. He has $30,000 in savings, and he’s 56. I’m 43 and had worked out a financial plan based on both of us working until our full retirement ages. Now, I’m stuck trying to pay off a mortgage and make necessary home improvements on one income. Our budget works out on one income as long as we don’t have to fix the roof. Rent would cost more than our mortgage. This is an awfully long time for me to be footing all the bills. I’m already working a side job.”
Here’s how I responded to this woman’s dilemma: Your partner’s plan for retirement should agree with yours
“As difficult as it may be to stumble into misaligned retirements, it’s even harder to have retirement shoved down your throat,” Margery D. Rosen wrote for AARP’s magazine. “Even when they manage to synchronize their departures from work, men as well as women report a mix of sadness and apprehension as the actual exit date approaches.”
Read more: Advice for Couples Who Stagger Retirement
If you don’t want retirement to ruin your marriage, talk things out.
“Communicating effectively is probably the single most important factor that predicts successful relationships,” Roberta K. Taylor and Dorian Mintzer write in their book, “The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together.”
Taylor and Mintzer’s book was a Color of Money Book Club pick. Here’s my review: Talk with your spouse now about retirement plans
This book covers the important conversations couples need to have before and after they retire. For example, what if your spouse wants to buy a second home and move to Florida but you don’t want to spend the money and you hate the idea of living in a hot-weather area? What if you had planned on a leisurely retirement with a lot of travel but your spouse wants to start a business or second career?
“Approaching the second half of life is an opportunity to reassess outdated rules, let go of what no longer works and open up to new possibilities,” the authors write. “It takes courage, commitment and compromise. Couples do best when they think ahead, communicate and plan together. Remember, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, relationships are always a work in progress.”
If you don’t work things out, you risk a divorce, which can derail the best-laid retirement plans.
Read more: A ‘gray divorce’ can devastate your retirement plans. Here’s how.
With so many people living 20 or 30 years in retirement, there’s a lot that can go wrong in a marriage if you aren’t in sync.
Your thoughts
I’d like to hear from married couples on how you managed the decision of when to retire? Also, what’s your relationship been like since you retired? Send your comments to colorofmoney@washpost.com. Please include your name, city and state.
Retirement rants and raves
I’m interested in your experiences or concerns about retirement or aging. What do you like about retirement? What came as a surprise.
If you haven’t retired, what concerns you financially? You can rant or rave. This space is yours. It’s a chance for you to express what’s on your mind. Send your comments to colorofmoney@washpost.com. Please include your name, city and state. In the subject line put “Retirement Rants and Raves.”
The debate continues about the right time to start claiming Social Security.
What you don’t know about Social Security could cost you a lot of money
Jon Gutek of Flushing, Mich., a retired attorney and CPA, said he started collecting Social Security at 62. “It is not enough to calculate how many dollars you will receive; you must calculate the net present value of the stream of payments,” the 79-year-old said. “Money has time value. Getting one dollar today is better than getting one dollar a year from now. If you decide to wait to collect benefits, the rules might change to your detriment. My advice is to start collecting at age 62. Get on that gravy train before the train leaves the station.”
Jackie Igoe, Arlington, Va., wrote, “I have fantasized about taking Social Security at 62. My plan would be to work part time (doing something pleasant) while collecting. I would continue to make contributions to Social Security on the part time income. Would these payments have any effect on my benefit over the years?”
Here’s an answer from the Social Security Administration: What happens if I work and get Social Security retirement benefits?
Also read: Will My Benefit Increase If I Keep Working?
A couple of readers were upset that their Social Security benefits have been reduced because of the “windfall elimination provision” or WEP.
“It will affect my Social Security drastically and makes planning for retirement a bit different,” wrote Leslie Kapner of Culver City, Calif.
Marie Altman of Chico, Calif., wrote, “I divorced at age 40, went to school and became a teacher. I don’t understand the windfall elimination [provision]. Are teachers being discriminated against here?”
The Windfall Elimination Provision can affect how Social Security calculates your retirement or disability benefit. “If you work for an employer who doesn’t withhold Social Security taxes from your salary, such as a government agency or an employer in another country, any retirement or disability pension you get from that work can reduce your Social Security benefits,” the agency explains.
The confusion happens because WEP can affect you when you earn a retirement or disability pension from an employer who didn’t withhold Social Security taxes and you qualify for benefits from work in other jobs for which you did pay taxes.
Read more: Windfall Elimination Provision
Here’s some reading to help you understand WEP.
— Both readers were teachers in California and should read: Educators and Social Security
“Educators are often confused or mistaken about what they will collect from Social Security in retirement,” according to the California State Teachers’ Retirement System (CalSTRS). “Participants do not pay into the Social Security system as California educators. Instead, they pay a higher percentage of their earnings into the CalSTRS fund. Therefore, they do not qualify for Social Security benefits at retirement, unless they are eligible due to a spouse’s earnings or earnings from another job on which they did pay Social Security taxes.”
— Will the Windfall Elimination Provision Cut Your Social Security?
“The Windfall Elimination Provision is designed to prevent people who didn’t pay Social Security tax on the majority of their income from receiving disproportionately high Social Security payments,” writes Matthew Frankel.
— Will My Spouse’s Social Security Be Cut by the Windfall Elimination Provision?
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