Relationships Talk

Important advice for women going to see Tully with a man they would like to marry: Don’t. It is a chick-flic for women, but warns men about the terrifying risks of marriage.

The critics tell us Tully is another click-flick about the horrors of heterosexual marriage and motherhood. Hollywood studios churn these out like theaters do popcorn. Watching these, I wonder why women pursue men for marriage. They must be gluttons for punishment. But critics love these films. Their reactions to it reveal much about both the film and America today.

But before describing the film (with no spoilers until the end), here are a few words about its leading lady.

Charlize Theron specializes in portrayal of modern women  (Hollywood versions). She won an Oscar for her scary performance as a butch prostitute serial killer in Monster. She was a warrior in Mad Max: Fury Road. She was a superspy in Atomic Blonde.

In Tully she gives a gritty portrayal of Marlo, an extreme version of the standard desperate suburban housewife. “She brings Marlo to life with stark, let-it-all-hang-out honesty.” She lives in a nice house. She has two young children, 8 and 5, who attend a private school. She is pregnant with a third.

Leftist film critics find this exciting, no matter how many times they see it. Their only complaint is that Hollywood has not gone full Social Realism and often misses some key ideological points. As seen in this review by Manohla Dargis in the NYT.

“Marlo is doing the contemporary supermom thing and, refreshingly, she isn’t doing it with 1950s clichéd desperate smiles. …“Tully” admits that this figure is a noxious delusion, one that isn’t suitable for real women. …Marlo cares for the kids while Drew works and plays. …Drew and Marlo’s division of labor would be fine if it were equitable.

…but “Tully” isn’t really interested in the sustaining joys of female bonding. It has a message to deliver, which is as sincere and decent as it is obvious: Mothers need help, sometimes serious help. …it isolates Marlo, and once again it is a woman who’s the problem that needs solving.”

Thousands of generations of women – and most of the women living today – work as hard or harder than Marlo, without being considered “supermoms.” Most of them would consider Tully’s life to be almost utopian. To the princesses of the NYT, for whom every ideological pea is intolerable, traditional American life is “a noxious delusion.”

Film critic Roger Moore gives a less blatantly ideological summary of the film.

“{Theron is good} at the meltdowns and righteous tirades Marlo has when confronted with a world that isn’t as accommodating and sympathetic of the plights of motherhood as it should be.”

When was the last time Roger Moore reviewed a film that was sympathetic of the plights of fatherhood? This leads us to another question about these films that critics seldom mention. What do men see in them?

Not what she looks like in “Tully.”

About the wife

Marlo is the central actor of the film, with whom we should sympathize. She is a foul mouthed nightmare of a wife. The house is a wreck. The meals are frozen food. She regrets not using her degree in English literature. The critics love her.

“When Marlo declines to hold her newborn baby, Mia, and when, later, she stands outside the car in which Mia is squalling and screams “F*ck!,” we suspect not exhaustion, or postnatal depression, so much as a basic reluctance to lead the life – and to nurture the new lives – that society expects.” (Anthony Lane).

Our brutal society expects mothers to take care of their children. It was a bit late to discover that after her third child. Perhaps better contraception (e.g., a contraceptive implant), or a tubal ligation would have helped. But her screamed obscenity is her first response to problems – and to offers of advice and assistance.

At the hospital, a nurse attempts to get Marlo to pee after childbirth. Her response is to scream “You want a f*cking golden shower?”

Her son, Jonah, behaves badly both at home and at school. The principal gently tells Marlo that Jonah’s behavior is “out of the box” and that he is a “quirky” boy. It is an opening to discuss how they can work together to improve Jonah’s behavior. Marlo replies with a screamed “Do I have a kid or a f*cking ukulele?” She helpfully adds that {this is the real me} “when I’m not licking your asshole.” Imagine living with her.

Her brother did live with her. Marlo describes him with her usual graciousness: “His factory setting is asshole.” He generously pays for her to have a nanny. Her reply is characteristic.

“I don’t want a stranger in my house. That’s like a Lifetime movie where the nanny tries to kill the family and the mom has to walk with a cane at the end.”

Marlo eventually accepts his offer of a free nanny, and the plot at last begins to move.

Tully with the children at home.

About the husband

The husband looks like a prince. He works hard to support his nightmarish and ungrateful wife. He gets nothing from his marriage. Rather than divorce, or flee to become a beachcomber (both more attractive options), he retreats at home into his own world. The critics see this differently.

“Theron plays Marlo, a struggling mother who is married to a lazy man named Drew (Ron Livingston). Drew takes business trips, sleeps a lot, and enjoys playing video games in bed of an evening. …How would a man like Drew change to help Marlo beyond a kind word and a two-shot image of solidarity?” (Damien Straker at ImpulseGamer.)

Danien is nuts to put business travel in the same category as “sleeping” and “playing games.” I have done a great deal of business travel, the grueling ten cities in three week odysseys. The critics march in lockstep obedience to the ruling “bad husband” trope.

“…lacklustre husband Drew (a mumbling Ron Livingston).” (Markie Robson-Scott.)

“…her useless husband …Some might smack Drew’s joystick out of his hands and the rest of his sorry self out of bed. Ms. Theron is such a naturally strong presence that it’s hard to believe Marlo would put up with his nonsense.” (Manohla Dargis.)

“a paragon of uselessness.” (Anthony Lane.)

Conclusions

Groups that want Zero Population Growth in the US, or even a shrinking US population, should sponsor free showings of this film – and the many similar TV shows and films – to teenagers and young men. Lure the boys in with popcorn, soda, and free hot pics of Charlize Theron. Offer free booze to the young men. Watch the marriage rate drop.

A few years of that program and the media will be flooded with articles about the Peter Pan generation that just won’t man up and marry.

Trivia note: the film is classified as comedy and drama. I found it quite dramatic, but not the least bit funny.

A slight spoiler about the ending

It has a happy ending. Like the happy endings to the Book of Job and the Gospel of Mark, it seems tacked on and inconsistent with the story.

Everybody imagines a different story to a film, and especially what happens in the years after the credits roll. I predict that in five years, once the kids are all in school, she will divorce Drew.

More anti-marriage films – from Christians

Dalrock has documented many examples of this fun but amazing genre. As an introduction, see his review of one of the most popular: How Fireproof lowers the boom on men.

He has written about divorce empowerment films: see his posts about Eat Pray Love (here), and about Wild (with Reese Witherspoon) here and here.

See his take on Tully.

For more information

Ideas! For shopping ideas see my recommended books and films at Amazon. Also see the tip jar at the top of the right sidebar.

If you liked this post, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. See all posts about women and gender issues, about feminism, about marriage, and especially these…

1. A new hot trend from Hollywood: women hitting men.
2. Modern movies show the hidden truth about romance & marriage: they’re dying.
3. Disturbing next steps in the gender revolution – films showing romance as women breaking men.
4. Classic films show what marriage was. Facts show its death.
5. Hollywood gives men role models for a wrecked America.
6. Recommendation: nine of the best American romantic films.

The Trailer for Tully

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar has some words of wisdom to give newlyweds, or rather a chance to “transform challenges into opportunities”. A newlywed husband is facing some “issues” in his marriage, the challenge being that “my wife does the opposite of what I tell her”.

So how does Ravi Shankar advise this man, packaging it into an animated video? He shows the husband the ropes of how to manipulate his wife into doing exactly what he wants. And that, too, in an entirely predictable, patriarchal way.

The video was posted on Ravi Shankar’s official Facebook page, which is followed by 4,520,606 people, and over 20,000 people – and counting – had liked the video by Saturday night, while nearly 8,000 had shared it.

TOLUWANI ENIOLA speaks with experts and couples on the desirability or otherwise of third parties in resolving conflicts in marriage

The wedding of Mr. Ayo Dairo to his wife, Betty, was a well-attended event in 2014. Everything began well for the couple but a few months after their wedding, they started having disagreements which compelled Dairo to report his wife to his mother.

When Betty got to know her husband had reported her to his mother, she felt bad. The issue later degenerated into arguments which almost led to the collapse of the marriage.

Dairo told SUNDAY PUNCH that his wife was rude to his mother while she wanted to settle the dispute. He stated that out of rage, he headed to court to dissolve the marriage based his friend’s advice.

The father of two, however, said the thought of what would befall his children prevented him from ending the marriage.

He said, “Every member of my family, including friends, asked me to end the union. It was only my brother, who is a devoted Christian, who advised me otherwise. If I had yielded to the advice of my friends, whom I discussed the matter with, my marriage would have shamefully ended barely five years after the wedding.”

Dairo’s experience brings to the fore the mistakes couples make when they allow third parties in their affairs. Many couples often think that by discussing their problems with others, they would get solutions to their problems.

According to experts, a third party is a person or group besides the couple, involved in a situation, especially a dispute. He or she can be either of the couples’ family members, friends, co-workers or neighbours.

The issue of whether couples should allow third parties to mediate in their marital problems or not has been a debate in social discourse.

The majority of couples, who shared their experiences with SUNDAY PUNCH, believed that allowing third parties in marriages portended a great harm. Their conclusion that a third party is unnecessary is based on their experiences having relied on third parties to settle their marital issues.

Sharing her story with our correspondent, a child health advocate, Mrs. Khadijat Hussein, said when couples involved third parties in their marital issues, they risked being given wrong advice which could end their marriage.

Hussein said many women enjoyed discussing the disagreements they had with their husbands with third parties without knowing that such third parties even had a more difficult problem they are encountering in their homes.

She said, “When a woman discusses her issues with a third party, such as a friend or co-worker, you will hear words like, ‘Chai, my husband cannot try that with me’, or ‘If I were you, I would do this and that if my husband tries that with me’. The third parties continue to dish out the wrong advice.

“Based on this, I think it is wrong because the friend or co-worker you report your husband to may be facing a worse challenge in her home. The third party may give a wrong advice and this may scatter one’s marriage. It may be helpful if the third party will give good advice but these days, it is the opposite. This is why I always advise women to be careful. Not all friends mean well for you.”

According to Mrs. Oluwatosin Adetayo, a third party should not interfere in a marriage because the Bible says ‘the two shall become one’ and not three.

Adetayo said it was common in the South-West for family members to always want to know everything happening in the homes of couples.

She urged the husband and wife to know how to protect their homes from third-party interference.

According to her, couples have to make this decision and stand by it.

Adetayo stated, “But in the case where the husband is physically abusing his wife, she needs to seek help and not suffer in silence. But anyone they bring in should come to help, restore and be a blessing, not to take over the home.

“God is the founder of homes and should be the one involved in every conflict. This does not overrule the place of having a mentor but this has to be done by God’s leading and we also have to be careful of who to choose as a mentor, because some mentors have destroyed many homes.

“Our foundation has to be God and His word. This will shape us and help us to walk closely with our husbands or wives in order to fulfil His will in our homes and not allow any third party into our homes.”

An Ibadan-based civil servant, Mr. Oluwaseun Gabriel, explained that the involvement of third parties in a marriage, to a large extent, was detrimental to the stability and the sanctity of the institution of marriage.

Ariyo supported Adetayo’s view that third parties served negative purposes regarding marital issues.

He said the interference of third parties, such as friends, neighbours, relatives and even in-laws often complicated issues, especially when there were personal interests by such parties.

Ariyo added, “Let’s assume there is a misunderstanding between a man and his wife. In a bid to resolve it, the wife takes the matter to her friend who, without her knowledge, has been jealous of the couple’s hitherto happy home. What kind of advice do you expect from such a fellow? She would most likely fan the embers of enmity into a full-blown inferno. The same applies to bad in-laws.

“However, there are some healthy third-party interferences whereby issues that would ordinarily get out of hand are easily resolved. It is sad that such cases are few compared to the negative ones.”

A drama evangelist and marriage counsellor, Mr. Segun Okeowo, and his wife, Sumbo, have a different perspective on the role of third parties in a marriage.

In an earlier interview with this correspondent, Okeowo emphasised the importance of a third party in marriage, recommending that every couple needed a third party “who must be someone the couple respect and revere.”

Okeowo even advised ladies, intending to get married, not to do so until they recognised that ‘respected’ person in their partners’ lives who they fear and who can mediate when things go wrong.

The actor said, “Don’t marry a man who fears nobody. A man who does not have that kind of person in his life is not a husband material. A third party is essential.”

Sumbo stated, “We advise couples to understand that no partner is perfect. Every marriage needs an elderly third party who both partners respect or fear. Someone once said couples should not allow a third party but it is wrong. Every marriage needs coaches.”

Hussein, who is a devoted Muslim, corroborated Okeowo’s view, adding that couples could adopt the Imam, who joined them or another respected Islamic leader, as the only third party to relate with.

“If a couple has marital issues, they may seek the help of their parents or their religious leaders who joined them in holy matrimony. But the basic thing is that both should agree on who to discuss their marital issues with,” she added.

Famous quote

It is very easy to see that two in conflict are fighting. They are very visible. What is harder to see or suspect is that a third party existed and actively promoted the quarrel — American relationship coach, Stan Dubin

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