Relationships Talk

It wasn’t the Yorkie that did his business all over the hardwood floors. It wasn’t the squatter, or the tenant who thought lightbulbs for his personal lamp were included in his rent.

I can’t remember exactly what it was that pushed me over the edge, but after 12 years and numerous missteps in owning and renting out four properties with my husband, John, I knew we had to get out.

Over that time, we learned that property management is a massive endeavor for a couple—one that has the potential to intrude into all areas of your life, including your marriage.

“A rental property is like any other business, so partners need to be in agreement that it can work for their family,” says Josh Hetherington, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling’s Northside location. “Can the couple afford whatever happens financially, logistically, and emotionally?”

I sure wish we had talked to Hetherington before we bought our first property. Ultimately, we got out of the rental game, deciding that it wasn’t healthy for our finances or our relationship.

The silver lining here is that our landlording misadventures weren’t a total loss. Those years spent bickering with my husband and dealing with crazy tenants actually taught me some valuable lessons about property management—and marriage. So if you’re contemplating buying and renting out a property with your significant other, don’t make the same blunders we did.

1. We overlooked major details

When a tenant allowed her boyfriend to move in, we didn’t rush to get him on the lease. Eventually, she vanished in the night, but the boyfriend remained as a nonpaying squatter. It was an epic failure on our part. Fortunately, we were able to convince him to leave without taking formal legal action.

Lesson learned: Landlords must commit to detail, especially when it comes to lease agreements. A detailed lease will help clarify and protect all parties involved, says Carrie Tangorra, an agent with First Weber Realty in Monroe, WI, who has owned rental properties.

Attention to detail, of course, is also important in a marriage, from squaring away the mundane but crucial details of insurance policies to drawing up a will and to discussing where you’ll spend the holidays. I learned that John and I had overlooked a lot of these important details, despite the fact that we had young children. It’s amazing we didn’t have more calamities than we did.

2. I wasn’t all in

The rentals were John’s idea, and I went along reluctantly. And when the going got tough, I bailed—at least emotionally. I still helped my husband with the day-to-day tasks, but did so from my first-class seat on the self-pity train. My resentment grew the day I had to shovel 6 inches of snow from the rental’s sidewalk, because my husband, who was off at work, had let the tenant off the hook for snow removal.

Lesson learned: Make sure you are both invested from the start.

“When one person in a couple is ambivalent about a choice that involves shared resources, time, and money, there will almost always be ongoing conflicts about it,” Hetherington says.

Managing residential property is a huge undertaking. There are bills to pay, tenants’ backgrounds to check, clogged pipes to fix. It’s a big job, even for two people, and especially when you have other full-time employment. Both partners need to be ready to pitch in.

3. We didn’t clearly define our roles

Ours was a loose arrangement: John would take care of property maintenance and I would handle paperwork. But we left tenant management—arguably the most challenging part of being a landlord—out of our equation. So every time we needed to talk to a tenant, we tried to palm it off on the other. That led to frustration all around.

Lesson learned: When you manage property with another person, know who’s doing what—and hold each other accountable. “If the landlords have a clear conversation about division of labor around tenant management, things will go much smoother,” says Hetherington.

I learned that we had equally blurred lines regarding roles in our marriage. We had the same loose arrangement in our personal life: John took care of home repairs and the yard, and I took care of, well, everything else. By not clarifying our duties in our personal lives, I ended up feeling overworked and under-appreciated. It was a recipe for discontent.

4. We weren’t realistic about finances

A vacant unit is the easiest way to lose money.  So we sometimes wound up leasing to questionable tenants instead of letting the apartment sit empty. Big mistake. Some of those bad tenants caused damage that far exceeded their security deposits.

Lesson learned: In addition to the mortgage and property taxes, “include a budget item for down-time (vacancies) and overall maintenance of the property,” says Tangorra. Budget for any potential setback, including natural disasters, replacing the appliances or flooring, landfill costs, and legal fees.

And be realistic about repair and maintenance costs as well. When the hardwood floors in one of our units became scuffed-up and unsightly, I favored slapping down cheap carpeting, while John saw the value in spending the money to restore them. If we had only been able to compromise—like restoring the hardwood floors in the front rooms and replacing the carpeting in the bedroom—things might have gone more smoothly.

I eventually learned that the power of compromise was also lacking in my marriage: We seem to function better when it isn’t my way or my husband’s way, but instead embraces an outlook that includes the best of both points of view.

Ultimately, John agreed the rentals were more than we wanted to handle as a couple. Fortunately, our finances survived. And our marriage did, too.

After Matthew Calos’ father, Peter, an East Bridgewater resident, suffered a setback in his battle with pancreatic cancer and entered the McCarthy Care Center on Cape Cod, Matthew and his wife, Jacquelyn Hylton, exchanged vows Tuesday in the gazebo at the inpatient hospice center.

By Cynthia McCormick / Cape Cod Times

EAST SANDWICH — Brockton residents Jacquelyn Hylton and Matthew Calos had been planning their perfect June wedding in Maine for months.

But after Calos’ father, Peter, suffered a setback in his battle with pancreatic cancer and entered the McCarthy Care Center in East Sandwich, the couple made a detour to Brockton Town Hall and picked up a marriage license Tuesday morning.

That afternoon, while a white magnolia tree blossomed in the warm spring sun, Jacquelyn and Matthew exchanged vows in the gazebo at the inpatient hospice center.

Peter Calos attended in a wheelchair along with several family members, while niece Kaleigh Knights put the ceremony on Facebook for about 30 viewers.

“It’s just something he wanted to see,” said Matthew, 39, a cook at Damien’s in Hanson. “We made it happen. I haven’t seen him that excited in a while.”

“This was well worth staying alive for,” said Peter Calos, 61, an East Bridgewater resident who was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago.

“My goal was to make it to see my son get married. With the help of all the wonderful people, it happened,” he said.

Staff at the care center and officials from HopeHealth, its parent company, helped pull together the wedding after Jacquelyn and Matthew talked to hospice chaplain Vera O’Brien on Friday, a day after Peter Calos was admitted to the 10-bed unit.

The engaged couple filed for a marriage license Friday and obtained a short white dress for Jacquelyn, 34, who works for the Brockton school system and is a trainer at a marketing company.

On the HopeHealth side, Pauline Neves, vice president of philanthropy, “put the wheels in motion,” said HopeHealth development officer Julie Dalton.

McCarthy Care Center staff used money from an employee-driven “compassion fund” to buy a wedding cake from Beth’s Bakery in Sandwich, Dalton said.

Staff members in the floral department at the Stop & Shop on Quaker Meetinghouse Road donated the yellow-and-white bridal bouquet when they heard the story behind the quick wedding, Dalton said. “I can’t believe how fast it came together,” Jacquelyn said. “The place has been great. I knew it was very important for us to be married in front of (Matthew’s father).”

The garden and gazebo where the wedding took place were installed just last summer by E.J. Jaxtimer, Neves said.

The bride and her grandfather, Bill Stevenson of East Bridgewater, walked over a paver inscribed with the words, “Always remember the beauty of the garden for there is peace.”

“It is a great joy to be standing with you here on this special day,” O’Brien told Jacquelyn and Matthew. “A marriage cannot exist without family and friends” and other supporters, she said.

Peter Calos told his son he had never been prouder of him.

“I already told him marrying Jackie was the smartest thing he ever did,” he said.

At the urging of his wife, Beatrix Calos — Matthew’s stepmother — he gave his son some marriage advice. “Shake your head and say, ‘Yes, dear’.”

“I cannot thank the people here for everything they have done for me as a patient,” Peter Calos said. “For my son’s wedding, everything has been absolutely perfect.”

Contact Cynthia McCormick at  cmccormick@capecodonline.com

Every bride receives an onslaught of advice before their wedding day, but very few people actually have insight into a situation like Meghan Markle’s.

Princess Anne’s husband Vice Admiral Sir Tim Laurence, however, knows first-hand what it’s like to join the most famous family in the world, and offered a bit of guidance to Prince Harry’s fiancée.

“She’s absolutely great and she certainly doesn’t need any advice from me, but the simplest advice for all of us is ‘just be yourself’. If she does that, she’ll be fine,” Laurence told the Daily Express.

That said, he did note that the weeks prior to his 1992 wedding to Princess Anne were particularly stressful in terms of media scrutiny.

“The hardest time was in the lead-up to our marriage, and in the early weeks and months of our marriage where there was a lot of scrutiny,” he shared.

“We’re coming up to Prince Harry and Meghan’s wedding. They will go through a very intense period of media coverage and it’s tough. It is difficult for them. There’s not a lot you can do about it.”

Indeed, we’re just a month away from Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s nuptials in Windsor, and the appetite for information about their wedding is only expanding, even amid the excitement surrounding the new royal baby.

But Markle does have more experience with the press than previous commoners marrying into the royal family. Perhaps her years in Hollywood have better prepared her for the spotlight.

Countess Sophie Just Weighed in on the Royal Baby

Kate Middleton Won’t Be Meghan’s Bridesmaid

What Will Harry and Meghan’s Wedding Be Like?

Ali Wentworth is a best-selling author, actress, comedian and the hilariously funny wife of “GMA” chief anchor George Stephanopoulos.

Her latest book, “Go Ask Ali: Half-Baked Advice (and Free Lemonade),” doles out the advice she is famous for giving to her friends.

Ali stopped by “GMA” today, where she made her husband blush and the rest of the “GMA” team double over in laughter.

Watch the clip above for Ali’s advice on everything from keeping your marriage happy to scaring your kids away from social media.