Relationships Talk

As Americans mourn the passing of a former First Lady and mother to another president, one Alabama woman is remembering the moment she got  wedding day advice from Barbara Bush.

Nannette Smith Sheaffer, a native of Pell City, now lives and works in Birmingham. Sheaffer met Bush on June 24, 1995, the same day she was getting married in Kennebunkport, Maine.

“She was exactly, and more, than I expected her to be,” Sheaffer said of Bush, who died Tuesday at the age of 92. “She was just delightful.”

Because of a family connection, Sheaffer spent summers working in Maine during her college years at the University of Alabama. An aunt and uncle who lived in Maine told her of a job at the Colony Hotel in Kennebunkport, the longtime home to the Bushes.

George H.W. Bush, vice president under Ronald Reagan, served one term as president from 1989 through 1993. Sheaffer said she met the president several times while working at the hotel, where Bush would occasionally come for a meal. Townsfolk were largely deferential to the Bushes, she said, and the president could occasionally be seen in his boat out on the water. Wave at him, and he might wave back, she said. Mrs. Bush, however, wasn’t seen out as much.

When not working, Sheaffer and other staffers at the hotel stayed in a dorm.

“Those were the most magnificent summers I have ever had,” she said. She resolved that, when she got married, the ceremony would have to take place at the Colony Hotel in Kennebunkport.

Fast forward to 1995. Sheaffer was getting married, and needed her hair done. It was early in the morning, with only the salon staff there. As she was getting her hair washed, several men came in, dressed in suits. They were Secret Service agents. Sheaffer she said was aware of something going on, but her view was only of the ceiling while her head was in the wash bowl.

Then, sitting down in the next seat, was Barbara Bush.

“I thought, ‘There’s Barbara Bush! It were her head in the bowl. I was totally aghast. This was really happening,” she said.

As it turned out, Bush would attend a family wedding that morning at St. Ann’s Episcopal Church in Kennebunkport. She thought Sheaffer might be there as well, as she was getting an “up do.”

“She asked me was I doing something special that day, and I responded by saying ‘I’m getting married today!” Sheaffer said. “That’s when she beamed. She was so pleasant. She just talked and talked.”

Bush, whose marriage to the former president lasted 73 years, had just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary. Sheaffer said she gave “grandmotherly advice.”

“She said never go to bed angry, and don’t worry about what’s for dinner,” Sheaffer remembered. “I thought, that’s cute. I can’t imagine the last time she had to cook a meal.”

For about 20 minutes, the two chit-chatted, talking about the Colony Hotel. Then Sheaffer had to go.

“I’m divorced now, but she said, ‘I hope you have as long and happy a marriage as I’ve had,'” Sheaffer said. Then Bush hugged her and posed for a picture with her hairdresser.

“Honestly, I had my hair in an up-do. I had on one of my ratty old button down shirts. I was in kind of a hurry. I had no makeup on. I didn’t want to remember what I looked like for posterity,” she said. Later, when people asked what the highlight of her wedding day was, she would say it was meeting Barbara Bush.

Sheaffer said, with Bush’s passing, she thinks on the richness of her life, and the easy way she had of sharing it with others.

“To think somebody could live and could be that happy with someone for that long is amazing,” she said. “It’s sad, because it doesn’t happen often.” 

There’s no end of diversions at wedding receptions nowadays and a recent wedding I attended was no exception. Seated at table five, my companions and I were provided with a pretty notebook and asked to write some words of wisdom for the newly married couple to squirrel away and read on their fifth wedding anniversary.

I’m a little ashamed to admit that I did not put pen to paper.

I blame the good company and the generous quantities of fine wine with which we had been toasting the newly wed pair. And perhaps, as my husband is often remarking in an exasperated tone, I need to get my hearing tested, because I don’t think I heard the MC’s task instructions.

A happy marriage keeps moving forward, says Angela Fitchett.

I asked myself later, when I guiltily realised I had ignored the pretty notebook, do I have anything useful to pass on in the way of advice, encouragement or wisdom?

Even though husband Steve and I are coming up to our 44th wedding anniversary, on some days it feels as if we have never properly understood each other. On the plus side, I guess this keeps things fresh between us – there’s always something new to discover!

That latter statement is where I’d start with advice that might be useful at the five-year-in point.

Don’t imagine you or your partner’s personalities, interests, proclivities or enthusiasms are set in amber the day you marry. What you see is not necessarily what you’re going to get, especially if you stay together for the long haul.

And since I’ve raised the notion of change, don’t expect that you will be able to change your partner’s habits and behaviours.

In my long experience, someone who doesn’t want to tidy up their tools and garden equipment never will, unless they decide to make the change themselves.

If a littered garage, garden shed and verandah annoy, the only thing you can change is your attitude towards the problem. Learn to ignore those rusty drifts of nails and abandoned hedge clippers and you’ll both be much happier.

Relationships are dynamic systems that don’t ever reach stasis. The two of you will either be moving forwards or backwards in togetherness and happiness, depending on how you manage your life together.

A successful relationship moves forwards more than it moves backwards, so you need to keep working together every day to find ways to make the positive dominate.

How do the pair of you move forward?

Give each other enough space to be independent individuals and then enjoy having chosen to team up.

Have fun together. Don’t underestimate the importance of this one. It’s all too easy to fall into the daily grind of work, family and obligations and forget why you got together in the first place.

There are all degrees of fun too, from things like rating date scones in local cafes to going on adventures to exotic locations. Make sure that you always have something fun on the horizon that you can look forward to together.

Encourage each other. Listen to each other. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a bit.

You will disagree. You will argue, sometimes bitterly. And your relationship will survive.

But here are a couple of things I’ve learnt about marital conflict:

Doing nothing is doing something, a useful paradox to keep in mind when avoiding and ignoring an issue seems like the easiest thing to do. Doing nothing is not neutral; it has consequences all of its own which will come back later to haunt you.

And you know that old saw about never going to sleep on an argument? It’s rubbish.

Some of the worst arguments I remember, the kind that degenerate into dredging up ancient insults and slinging around sarcasm and unfounded criticism, blew up when we were both very tired. Call a truce and go to bed.

Things will, I guarantee, look different and very likely better in the morning. Perspective will have been gained and proportion acquired.

Was a mutual meltdown over the cost of a storage solution in the bathroom really necessary? No it was not, you agree over coffee; in the fresh morning light, you both feel able to compromise.

Now you can set off to work feeling slightly ashamed of last night’s pointless blow-up, resolved to behave better in the future and relieved that you’re both moving forward.

I don’t know whether or not a couple five years married would find the above helpful. Every relationship has its own unique ecology and it’s a very brave person who presumes to think they have all the answers about something as complex and dynamic as two peoples’ attempt to live together on a long-term basis.

But it’s what I know after 44 years of marriage to the same person. And we’re still moving forward together.

 – Stuff

When it comes to marriage advice, sometimes, it’s those old school rules that keep everything together. Exhibit A: Jessica Biel attributes her strong marriage with Justin Timberlake to super simple advice we’ve all heard before.

“Communication, communication, communication,” Biel told People at the American Express Experience in New York City Monday night. Communication as the key to relationship success isn’t exactly news, but a timely reminder for Hollywood where love is clearly dead.

“The ability to be really honest about how you’re feeling and what your needs are,” Biel said. “Just be able to communicate really honestly with your partner. That’s worked for us so far. I would never want to speak on anyone else’s relationship, but that’s what we do.”

And it clearly works for them. This rule has kept the couple together through five years of marriage, during which they both achieved career milestones and started a family (they are parents to three-year-old Silas Randall).

With so much going on, multitasking is inevitable, but Biel says keeping it to a minimum is important for your relationship and overall self-care too. “Quality over quantity,” she said. “Take on what you can and you focus on one thing at a time. Try not to do too much multitasking. I struggle with it even now. Developing different ideas, projects, my family, my son, my husband, me. I’m constantly multitasking and having to stop and go, ‘All right. I need to give 100 percent of my focus to this one thing right now.’ And that’s it.”

See more: 23 Pieces of the Best Marriage Advice EVER (Collected Over 13 Years)

But even in the midst of all their to-dos, the couple still finds time for romance to keep things H-O-T. Back in December, Timberlake said another of their relationship secrets is keeping the romance alive. “That’s always my rule, even when you get married you have to keep dating,” the singer said.

If these two are next on the Hollywood break-up list, love is definitely fake news.