Relationships Talk

What’s the best relationship advice YOU’VE ever received? People share romantic tips they say can save a marriage – including working harder in the bedroom… and doing the dishes

• A user took to Reddit to ask for the key to keeping a happy relationship alive 
• Men and women flooded the viral thread with the best advice they had heard
• Many cited communication, trust and effort as the top factors for success 
• Advised to fight together instead of against, be tolerant and be kind

By

Jessica Rach For Mailonline

Published:
05:59 EDT, 2 November 2018

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Updated:
08:50 EDT, 2 November 2018

Men and women have gone online to share their most valuable relationship advice.

The thread was kicked off by user ‘Iron Wolf’, an Italian-American man in his late thirties, who asked what the best tips were for a happy relationship on Reddit.

People didn’t hold back and he was quickly inundated with advice, with users citing communication, trust and effort as the top ways to keep a partner happy.

Many others highlighted the importance of fighting a problem together, rather than attacking each other, and others revealed just how important feeling appreciated was.

Meanwhile some revealed the key to keeping their partners happy was to performing daily acts of kindness, and never to ‘argue to win’.

Elsewhere, users cited putting in 100 per cent effort, understanding that things which may not matter to you are important to your partner, and assessing whether you can live with small annoyances rather than continuously arguing about them.

A relationship advice thread was kicked off on Reddit this week by user ‘Iron Wolf’, an Italian-American man in his late thirties, who asked what the best tips were for a happy relationship

One male user aged 30-34 highlighted the importance of fighting a problem together, rather than attacking each other, and many revealed just how important feeling appreciated was

Another male user aged 35-39 explained that doing simple tasks to help around the house and make each other’s lives easier went a long way

Meanwhile a male user who described himself as ‘over 30’ told just how important it was not to become complacent in the bedroom and to go the extra mile to make your partner feel sexy

Elsewhere an experienced male partner, aged 35-39, revealed that he and his partner tried to outdo each other’s acts of kindness without keeping a score

‘Each person should be putting in 100%’: Another male user highlighted just how important it was for both parties to put 100% into the relationship

Meanwhile another man revealed that Michael Douglas said his relationship with Catherine Zeta Jones has lasted so long because they give each other the benefit of the doubt

Meanwhile a user by the name of Jeffrey Patterson argued that it is essential to take your partner’s complaints on board, however small they seem to you, as they are important to them

Another user by the name of Kendrick Shalamar quickly learned that it wasn’t worth lying as you would have trouble remembering the tales you told

A female user admitted that once she turned her complaints into requests they were taken on board much better by the other party

Laura, 30, shared her tip, which was never to argue to win but to solve an issue which could keep reoccurring if not resolved

‘Don’t fight situations, it’s me and you against the world’, another male user agreed, revealing that stressful situations brought him closer to his wife

A man, aged 40-44, highlighted the importance of telling your partner you love them every morning and see if you could stop being annoyed by something before asking them to change

‘Complacency breeds stagnation’, one user highlighted the importance of not becoming lazy in a relationship, and continuing with the effort you began with, in every area

‘Back in the days we didn’t throw things away, we fixed them’, was the response from another user on the viral relationship advice thread

A female American user revealed that her mother told her how important it was to be happy with yourself and not place all your joy on your relationship

‘If I’m only giving 50% where is the other 50% going?’ another user recited James Brolin saying about his relationship with Barbara Streisand

‘Any fool can fall in love but staying in love is a lot of work’, another user in their twenties said never to stop working at a relationship

One user revealed a common mistake women made was trying to change their man, while men hoped their women would always stay the same

‘Accept it or reject it. Tolerating anything will kill you’, a friend’s mother told one user in the viral thread

‘They say the grass is always greener. But if you water your own grass just watch how green it will grow’, one user, describing himself a ‘happily married co-worker’ wrote

‘Communication is the foundation of every relationship’, another user said, citing his father as the source of the advice 

True love for many people can be a rare thing. It is even rarer to have that love affair continue for 70 years or more.

According to 2016 data from the U.S. Census, there were more than 50 million married people in the nation, 7 percent who had been coupled for 50 years or more. However, only 0.01 percent made it to the platinum level of 70 years of marriage.

The Centers for Disease Control has reported the national average for length of first marriages is 8.2 years. Roughly 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, the agency said.

But two Beaver County couples have beat the odds, celebrating their 70th wedding anniversaries last month.

“No marriage is perfect”

Ernie and Norma Demeter of North Sewickley Township met on a blind date.

Norma, now 90, was set up with Ernie, now 90, while she was working at the A&P grocery store by a friend. “I was 18 and still in high school, so I was a little leery, but I went,” Norma said.

At the time, Ernie, who was from Ellwood City, was living and working in Cleveland. After meeting Norma, he took the train to Ellwood on weekends to see her. After dating for two years, they were married in 1948 and Ernie returned to Ellwood City.

“We were a mixed marriage. Ernie was Catholic, so we were married in the sacristy of the old Blessed Virgin Mary Church with just our parents, the best man and maid-of-honor,” Norma said.

After the wedding the family and wedding party had dinner at Margaret’s Tea Room, currently the large gray house behind Alborn’s Tires. The reception was at the Franklin Township Fire Department Hall.

Ernie said they made a deal when they got married. “I told her, ‘I’ll handle the first 50 years and you can handle the rest.'”

“I didn’t work because Ernie was one of those guys who didn’t want his wife working,” Norma said.

Ernie said back then work was good and he had no problem getting a job. At one point Ernie had three jobs. His regular job was at Aetna Standard. He also drove school bus, and after dinner he would go to Ryman Engineering and work until 9 p.m. He retired from Aetna Standard in 1985.

The couple celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary on Oct. 2 with a party for family and friends hosted by their children and spouses, Dan and Molly Demeter and Marty and Susan Demeter Picciotti. They also have two grandchildren and two great- grandchildren.

When they came home one day they found a large white chrysanthemum from a friend. The friend explained that the proper gift for a 70th wedding anniversary is platinum, but couldn’t afford platinum so she got them white flowers.

The Demeters kept the love going by sharing as many activities as they could. The couple remains active and regularly attend exercise classes. For yard work, Ernie drives the riding mower and Norma says she enjoys using the push mower. She also tends a small garden.
Until recently they went camping and enjoyed bus tours.

“We have been blessed. God has been good to us. We don’t have any complaints,” Norma said.

Norma’s advice for a long marriage is “No marriage is perfect. There are ups and downs. It is a 50/50 give-and-take proposition.

“If you want it, you have to work at it, and when you have differences you have to compromise,” she said.

Marriage needs tolerance and acceptance

Norman L. and Rose Marie Wilson Giancola celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary with a party on Oct. 6 at the National Packard Museum in Warren, Ohio. It was the perfect location to mark the occasion because Norman bought a 1937 Packard to be able to drive Rose Marie on dates.

“I got the car from a man, who had taken it to a garage to be repaired. The bill came to $200, and he didn’t have the money so he sold it to me,” Norman said.

A picture taken in 1948 in Texas of Rose Marie sitting on the Packard is now part of the National Packard Museum’s display. At 87, Rose Marie quipped that she was old enough to be in a museum.

Rose Marie was born and raised in Texas, and the couple met while Norman was in the Air Force stationed in the state. A church organized dances for the service men with young women from the area and they met at a dance.

The couple agrees that they liked each other “a little bit.” The little bit grew and they were married on Oct. 2, 1948, in San Antonio, Texas.

When Norman was discharged, the newly married couple drove from Texas to Ellwood City in the Packard, and the only problem was one flat tire. For Texas native Rose Marie, it took a few years to get used to the Pennsylvania winters.

Norman attended Geneva College on the GI Bill, and they recalled he received $120 a month.

“I learned how important college was and I wanted all my children to go to college, and they are all college graduates,” Norman said.

Norman worked for the government as a bank examiner and traveled all over the country. One job took him from Florida to Texas and California and back home, and he was able to take Rose Marie with him. The Giancolas have a motor home and enjoyed many trips while members of a motor home club in Ohio and other times on their own.

Norman, 89, continues to work part-time for Clem’s Trailer Sales in Franklin Township, which was owned by his brother who has since died.

Rose Marie always enjoyed sheep and had her own little flock for about 10 years, and now she collects miniatures of sheep.
She made a quilt for each one of her children.

“The best part about being married for 70 years is the children,” Rose Marie said.

The North Sewickley couple’s children are Agnes Campanale of Youngstown; Deborah Giancola of Ross Township; Darlene Kotuby of New Wilmington; Patrice Giancola of Ross Township; Norman Giancola Jr. of Watkinsville, Ga.; and Anita Lutz of Neshannock Township. The couple’s youngest child, Melissa Giancola, died in 2004. They have 14 grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren.

It took the family a year to plan, organize and implement the party. Photos displayed at the celebration featured places and events from the couple’s courtship, including Rose Marie sitting on the Packard.

On their way to the surprise party in a limousine, Rose Marie kept asking why they were driving around so much and Norman was saying he was hungry. When they arrived at the museum, the 36 guests were wearing 1940s-style clothing and a DJ was playing music of the era. Rose Marie was wearing a replica of the corsage and dress she wore on her wedding day that was made by granddaughter Emily Campanale, and Norman was wearing a hand-painted tie by daughter Deborah, which matched the one he wore on his wedding day.

The day after the party the couple renewed their wedding vows at Holy Redeemer Roman Catholic Church, where they are members and Norman serves on the finance council. Rose Marie takes care of the altar linens.

Norman’s advice for a long marriage is to accept and tolerate each other. “The best part of being married for 70 years, you finally get to know your spouse,” he said

“It is important to have commitment. Be dedicated to your spouse and your vows. If you get upset, go for a walk,” Rose Marie said.

Ending a marriage is a decision that’s extremely personal and involves independent and difficult introspection. Ideally, a couple might try couples therapy before making any definitive decision to split. It’s virtually impossible to give definitive and globally-applicable advice that’s relevant to all marriages. It’s similarly difficult to provide a list of warning signs for couples as evidence that a marriage is over. But sometimes, if a relationship becomes too much effort, it’s best to part ways. Here are five warning signs that your marriage needs significant attention.

Emotional needs are not being met

You come to realize that your emotional needs to be nurtured, supported, acknowledged, prioritized, and to feel like you belong are consistently not being met. That’s not to say that the first time you feel invalidated or ignored you might be ready for a divorce. This is only a warning sign after this issue has been discussed, attempted to be remedied, and remains a concern.

Potential trap: Don’t assume your partner knows you feel this way. This has to be explicitly talked about.

No interest in physical intimacy

If you’re consistently uninterested in any form of intimacy with your partner, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship. This applies to both sexual intimacy as well as physical closeness. Couples vary drastically in terms of how often they engage in sexual activity. But if you don’t feel the need to be physically close to your partner, or this is a belief held by your partner that you do not share, it may be a red flag.

Potential trap: Be careful in differentiating these feelings from feelings of distance following a fight or argument. After an argument that brings about a set of negative emotions, it may be perfectly normal to not want to feel physically intimate with your partner for a period of time.

Life goals aren’t aligned

If your life goals are diametrically different than your partner’s, you may encounter significant difficulty. Can you find similarity in what you want out of life in terms of:

• how to prioritize finances?
• how many kids to have?
• how to spend free time?
• how to parent?
• and which passions/interests to pursue?

These are just some life goals to consider. But if goals with similar serious implications don’t match up, and neither of you has any flexibility, you may reach an impasse.

Potential trap: Don’t count on compromise as a way to resolve these differences. Compromise, in some forms, may not be sustainable.

Completely separate social circles

Having completely separate social circles where you connect with other people individually rather than as a couple may indicate a problem. Ideally, a couple should have at least a few other individuals with whom they can spend time with, together, as a couple. Lack of this may be a stressor. 

Potential trap: This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a girls’ or guys’ night out or go on a trip with friends separate from your partner. The idea suggests that you don’t spend too much time apart such that it’s being prioritized over time spent together as a couple.

Abuse

Finally, and hopefully obviously; physical, emotional, sexual abuse raises significant warning signs about the health of a relationship.

These are just some suggestions to look out for in a marriage, and not necessarily a guide to divorce. But thinking about how issues like these may add up to negatively impact your relationship is an important reality check.