Category Archives: marriage advice
Husbandless friends invalidate her marital concerns
Dear Carolyn: I have a close, small group of friends who I have known for decades, and two of them are divorced, both more than five years ago. We have always shared things that bother or hurt us in our lives.
When I complain about some hurtful thing my husband has said, or about a problem in our retirement plans, they both remark, “At least YOU have a husband.” I know they both went through hell, but I don’t understand why I am not allowed to have feelings and express them anymore. I hate that our friendship dynamic has changed. Am I being silly about this?
– D.
Of course not, no. It’s a lonely feeling indeed to have your concerns rubber-stamped as invalid.
It would be silly, though, to exclude this from the list of things your share with them that “bother or hurt us in our lives.” This one is valid, too, and your friends can’t help you with a problem they don’t even know you have.
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So (as always) be calm, be kind, and be clear: “Yes, I do have a husband, and I am grateful for him. And I get upset when he says something hurtful to me. Is that not OK?”
This may sound like a rhetorical question, but I suggest you treat it as one you’d like them to answer. There could be several explanations for their dismissive response: They may mistake it for a look-at-the-bright-side suggestion, or they’re trying to be funny, or you’ve been smug about your marriage and they’re weary of it, just for a few examples. Each may have her own reason, too, for responding that way.
But you won’t find out if you never admit how you feel.
Hi, Carolyn: My brother is in the process of getting a divorce, and my sister-in-law has a history of sharing her woes quite dramatically on Facebook. I have an account, my parents do not. I do not use mine anymore because it made me feel less connected in general, and I also wanted to avoid reading my sister-in-law’s updates without cutting her off.
Now my parents want to know if my sister-in-law has been posting anything about my brother. Do I tell them to ask him? Do I go on Facebook myself, which is really an energy-depleter for me? Or do I open my account and let them look for themselves? Yuck.
– Working on My Boundaries
No, you do not have to look for posts you don’t want to see, on behalf of people who aren’t you, about a relationship you are not in.
That’s your boundary. It’s a good one to start with because it’s clear and it’s easily set by the truth: “I don’t know, I don’t check Facebook anymore.”
I suppose “easily” is not entirely fair. The challenge with boundaries is in the holding, not the setting. So, deflect them with the truth and with absolute confidence that you owe them nothing further. Besides civility. So when they follow up by asking you to check:
“No, I won’t do that. I won’t get in the middle of this.” They object, you politely exit the conversation.
And next time you’re on Facebook for whatever reason, “unfollow” your sister-in-law. The trick to boundaries: Don’t make more work for yourself.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/11/02/friendship-divorce-advice/1763953002/
I've Been Divorced Twice. Here Are 8 Lessons I've Learned.
The following story was submitted by a Fatherly reader. Opinions expressed in the story do not reflect the opinions of Fatherly as a publication. The fact that we’re printing the story does, however, reflect a belief that it is an interesting and worthwhile read.
What you don’t know going into marriage (first, second, or other) is what variables will change and how those changes will affect your life. But as you go through the entire process, from wedding day to rough patches to divorce, you learn some things. I’m going to try to highlight the big ‘ah-ha’ moments I had in both my marriages.
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Marriage #1
We were young. I allowed her beauty and my passion to blind me to some of the issues we had early on. We had both just graduated from college, and it felt like the thing to do. I was madly in love, but I didn’t know enough about her. I jumped into my first marriage on sexual chemistry and gut instinct. I thought if we were this happy now then we’d be just as happy after getting married. I was wrong. And this is what I learned from our time together.
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Lesson 1: Weather some storms before you tie the knot
The first unhappy moments actually arrived on our honeymoon. I suddenly got a glimpse of an unhappy and angry person, one that hadn’t exposed herself prior. Something, even in those early days of bliss, registered this as a big red flag. I’d have been better served had we endured some adversity prior to tying the knot, and my thoughts as my new wife raged at me was, “Uh oh. I think I made a mistake.”
Lesson 2: Things that are not working are liable to get worse, not better
You cannot count on the other person changing to please you or simply to make life easier. If you both agree to therapy, you can move the needle a bit. But if one of you is having major emotional issues, no amount of goodwill, good behavior, or good intentions will fix things. If you are waiting for the other person to change, you are in trouble.
Lesson 3: Rage and abusive behavior are never okay
It took me three tries to end my first marriage, mostly because I didn’t want to be the person who gave up. But when anger becomes abusive, there is very little left to work on. Therapy was helpful, but you can’t go to therapy for the rest of your life. When the counseling ended, so did the positive behavior modifications. Ouch.
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Marriage #2
I recoiled from my divorce for a while. I stayed out of the dating game for a year or so while I tried to recollect my own center and sanity. But I wouldn’t say I was healed when I ran into my second wife at a local coffee shop. We had gone to high school together, so we had an immediate connection, and from the initial reaction to seeing me, we both had some interest in exploring the possibilities.
Lesson 4: Pay attention to early things that don’t feel right
There was some initial miscommunication that later turned into a huge problem. But during the early days of my courtship, I was unaware that she not only had a boyfriend but that she was living with him. I think her secrecy early hurt us later when other issues began to arise. Again, I fell passionately in love with her before any “issues” came to light. And when they did, when she did tell me about the other guy, I should’ve run for the hills. But a month later when she called to tell me it was over with the other guy, my loneliness and the magnetism of our connection caused me to jump right back in.
Lesson 5: Kids change everything
Aside from forging a new level of commitment, kids change the chemistry of the relationship in a big way. Overnight there are 200-percent more things to do. Chores become an issue. Exhaustion becomes an issue. And as you both slip into the overwhelmed state of raising kids, some deeper level of personality comes out. In an overwhelming situation, you’re either a happy camper making due or an unhappy camper complaining the whole way. I was generally happy. She wasn’t.
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Lesson 6: Trust is the foundation of a relationship
There seemed to be a lot of trust issues in the second half of our marriage. I was always in the process of doing something wrong or covering up something else I had done wrong. In fact, I’m not even sure I was doing things wrong, but the unhappy camper was certain that her unhappiness was due to me. I don’t think another person is responsible for anyone’s happiness. But therapy didn’t sort this one out. Once the trust was broken, the repair was difficult and ultimately failed.
Lesson 7: Intimacy does reflect a lot about a relationship
The book Love Languages does a great job of explaining the different ways people feel love. And for sure, my second wife and I had very different languages. But there’s a balance, even if you’re languages are on opposite sides of the spectrum. And when touch is taken out of the equation for any length of time, the entire relationship can begin to change. We are animals. And sex is a base-level need. When sex goes, the relationship is soon to follow. It reveals some deeper dysfunction.
Lesson 8: Even in an amicable divorce, you need to get a lawyer
As we parented 50/50, I was certain in the early divorce negotiations that we would end up with a joint custody arrangement. So when the therapist we’d hired to guide us through the process suggested something much different, I was upset but didn’t stop and fight. I know today that I was whitewashed into accepting the Standard Possession Order and being the non-custodial parent because it was what my then-wife wanted all along. We agreed to cooperate, but I was handed a non-cooperative ruling right off the bat. In hindsight, I should’ve stopped the process and lawyer-ed up. But I’m conflict-averse, and I listened to the ‘reasonable’ therapist and my ‘in-the-best-interest-of-the-kids’ wife. I was railroaded.
John McElhenney is a single dad who lives in Austin, Texas. He is the author of the single parenting blog, The Whole Parent, and writes for The Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, and other sites. His latest book is Single Dad Seeks about dating again after divorce.
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An Intimate Wedding Ceremony with Just 14 Attendees
Will Watts and Laura Sibley met, as it seems soulmates so often do, when she wasn’t looking for anything serious. Laura had just returned home to Birmingham to be closer to family, after several years spent in the Midwest after college, and found herself in a bit of a transitional phase. Then, she and Will met through mutual friends and suddenly she was in love. On their first date at Good People Brewing, she knew that there would be subsequent dates, which then turned into a lifetime together. “From that first date, he knew how to make me laugh, which was super important to me in a partner,” Laura says. “Life never really works out the way you plan, but I’m very happy that it worked out the way it did!”
Mr. and Mrs. Will Watts!
Laura and Will had been together for four years and had been talking about getting engaged when they took a trip up to a cabin in the woods atop Lookout Mountain in early spring. They’d been away for a couple of days when an ominous approaching storm sent them down into Chattanooga for the remainder of their trip. After checking into their hotel, they went for a stroll along the Riverwalk when it started to rain. Laura suggested finding a place to stop for dinner and seek shelter from the storm, but Will kept stalling. The rain continued to pick up pace and, finally, he got down on one knee and asked Laura to marry him. “I said yes, we kissed, and then we ran to the nearest restaurant,” Laura says. “We got soaked, and we narrowly missed a hail storm, which started minutes after we made it inside!”
Laura had a simple vision for the wedding day, in an effort to both keep costs down and to keep the focus on what is truly important in a wedding ceremony. “I’m fairly laid back and didn’t want to get bogged down with a lot of details,” Laura says. “The most important thing to us was that we’d be surrounded by our friends and family.” They settled on a fall wedding date for an immediate-family-only ceremony, followed by a larger reception to allow them to celebrate with close friends and extended family members.
This bride was going for something slightly untraditional with her gorgeous cap sleeve beaded dress from BHLDN.
Rings sit and wait for the ceremony ahead.
Laura puts on the finishing touches as she gets ready to see her groom for their first look.
Art deco earrings featuring blue teardrop stones add a little “something blue” to this bridal look.
Laura’s relaxed approach to wedding planning made for a day that was absolutely perfect. “We really didn’t have a traditional wedding in any sense. No garter or bouquet toss, no wedding party, etc.,” Laura says. “What was important to us was to be able to celebrate with our family and friends and to have a day that we’d remember forever.”
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The bride approaches her groom in the gardens of the private Hrynkiw House.
One of the first things that Laura made note of on her first date with Will was that he made her laugh — an instant match!
This bride is beyond stunning and her bouquet is divine! The rich colors of autumn inspired this lush grouping of roses, dahlias, dusty miller and scabiosa seed pods.
Will’s classic suit and boutonniere complemented his lovely bride perfectly.
These two are beyond sweet.
With such a delightfully relaxed, non-traditional approach to the wedding day, Laura knew that she wanted her dress to reflect that same spirit. A traditional bridal shop wouldn’t quite fit the bill, so she made the trip to Atlanta with her mother and a close friend to visit BHLDN, where a bevy of gorgeous vintage-inspired dresses awaited them. “I really loved the vintage aesthetic of my dress when I tried it on, and at under $400, it wasn’t going to blow my budget,” Laura says. The dress, a shade of soft champagne with gorgeous detailed beadwork, flattered Laura’s skin tone and suited her refined style perfectly.
After a morning spent getting wedding-ready, the bride, with her dress on and her hair woven into a stunning braid, met her dapper groom in the garden of the private Hrynkiw House. Without a busy wedding party surrounding them, Will and Laura were able to truly soak in the weight of the moment together and pause for some photos before heading to the church.
Four simple rows of chairs flanked the altar space in the prayer garden at Trinity United Methodist Church in Homewood, where Will and Laura’s immediate family gathered on a warm Saturday in early October. As Laura descended the stairs into the private garden, it was like she was entering another world — quiet and private, just for her and her groom. Before the small congregation of 14, Laura and Will exchanged vows and rings and sealed their covenant with a kiss before exiting the garden as Mr. and Mrs. Watts.
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The bride makes her way down the stairs on her dad’s arm as her groom waits for her in the garden.
Laura and Will make it official!
With only 14 guests in attendance, Laura and Will exchanged vows.
All smiles as they head back up the aisle
Carrigan’s Public House was the perfect reception space for these two Birmingham natives. Its proximity to the railroad tracks and industrial vibe captures some of the magic of the city.
How lovely is this classic cake? And with three flavors inside, it was equally delicious! “We really couldn’t choose, so our cake was vanilla, red velvet and almond,” Laura says. “I specifically wanted a very simple, basic cake design to go along with the simplicity of everything else from the day.”
About 50 close friends and family members gathered in the upstairs event space at Carrigan’s for Will and Laura’s reception.
“Our first dance was to the song ‘God Only Knows’ by the Beach Boys,” Laura says. “This song has always been one of my favorites, even from the time I was a little kid. I grew up listening to music my parents loved, which was a lot of music from the Beatles and the Beach Boys. To me, the song perfectly describes being in love and being a better person for it. Will makes me want to be the best version of myself possible. The lyrics, ‘God only knows what I’d be without you’ really reflect that, I think.”
Among Laura’s favorite little details from the day were the little cards on the reception tables prompting guests to leave marriage advice and date ideas for the bride and groom.
Cake time is always a highlight of the reception!
The sweet ceremony was followed by a joyous reception at Carrigan’s Public House in downtown Birmingham, the venue that Laura says best captured the vibe of the city for them. “The industrial atmosphere along with the view of the railroad tracks make the venue feel very Birmingham-esque,” Laura says. “Especially with friends and family coming from out of town to celebrate with us, we wanted the venue to reflect the city we call home.”
Friends gathered to share a meal and celebrate the happy couple, who entered the reception and hit the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife to “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys. Those moments on the dance floor are among the most special in Laura’s memory of the day. Will’s sister and brother-in-law are former competitive ballroom dancers, so they helped the bride and groom plan their first dance routine. “Admittedly, we never got really good, but we did put some time and practice into trying to make ourselves look like we knew what we were doing,” Laura says. “When it came time though, we didn’t do anything we’d learned. Instead of trying to remember the right steps, I was focused solely on him and how happy I was to be his wife. In that moment, that was the only important thing to me.”
That thoughtful focus on the true purpose and priority of the day made for a celebration unparalleled in its sweetness and authentic joy. Just a month removed from her dreamy wedding day, Laura encourages other brides caught up in the planning process to keep things simple. “You really aren’t going to care about a lot of things you think you’ll care about,” Laura says. “It’s super easy to get wrapped up in the planning and let things get out of hand, but try and resist. You’ll save yourself some headaches and a lot of money.” Prudent advice from a truly lovely bride!
Cheers to you, Mr. and Mrs. Watts! Thank you for sharing your utterly enchanting day with us!
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Ask Ann Cannon: Readers take their turn as advice gurus
Sometimes as an advice columnist, you receive e-mails offering a different take on a given situation. Here are a few recent examples.
We are the unhappy owners of a house where the previous owners had buried a pet in the backyard. They had double-bagged it in black garbage bags, and I can tell you that this is a terrible idea. After 18 years (we don’t know when it was buried — only how long we’ve owned the house), it had not decomposed fully and was mostly an intact but unrecognizable blob of spoiled flesh. The local police came to make sure we hadn’t dug up a buried baby.
If you want to bury a pet, skip the garbage bags so it will naturally decompose and not become a nasty surprise down the road for the next homeowner … or skip the backyard altogether.
I’m weighing in on your answer to “In a Quandary.” Entitled little brat? Here’s my story. My husband and I had several cats early in our marriage, so we are not “cat haters.” When our firstborn son was 5 years old, we discovered that he was severely allergic to cats, so when we went out of state to visit my parents, we gave him Theophylline so he could be in their house. It soon became apparent that he would end up in the hospital if we stayed, so we went to a nearby motel for the rest of the vacation. His asthma was severe, so we continued with the medication. Turns out he should have had his blood levels checked (the pediatrician did not direct us to do this). Our son ended up having two seizures because of the medication. The doctors at the time told me to put him on phenobarbital, saying they did not feel Theophylline was to blame. Well, I chose not to and he never had another seizure. (He’s 40 now.)
What I am saying is that some people are severely allergic to cats, and taking massive medication may not be adequate or even healthy for them. The son-in-law said he would not be able to be in the mother-in-law’s home. She didn’t say he wouldn’t visit her at all. Maybe he is willing to visit and stay elsewhere. That wasn’t made clear from her letter.
Your column today TOTALLY MISSED THE MARK. A senior who has started strange behavior and, more important, inappropriate speaking and language should be seen immediately by a health care professional. There are many things that could be causing this behavior, and simply watching and talking to the dad is not the answer. Strokes, vascular dementia, prescription drugs, along with many other problems, could be the cause for this behavior.
I have read your column many times and wonder why you are still giving advice, because it is often wrong. But this time you really did miss the mark.
Maybe you should stick to answers that only require Dr Pepper as the response.
