Category Archives: marriage advice
The Balancing Act Of Marriage And Family
Because of the onslaught of holidays in the fall, we haven’t had the opportunity to meet with our rabbi on a weekly basis. This time has given us the opportunity to navigate some very difficult aspects of relationships, including balancing our relationship with family issues and other responsibilities.
As our schedule and lives have somewhat fallen apart, along with our house (literally — anyone know a good plumber and contractor?), we’ve had to lean on each other more than ever, as the only thing that has remained consistent is each other. That has forced us to ask ourselves if, at the end of the day, that’s enough.
As long as we have each other, will everything be okay?
This is a tough question to ask at any point in a relationship, but I’m glad we’ve been forced to confront it now, before we’re married. We’ve had to ask and answer some tough questions about ourselves and each other. And I believe that through this experience, we will come out stronger on the other side. That doesn’t make it easy in the moment, though.
As a result of not having our weekly meetings, I’ve turned to the Internet for some good old Jewish marriage advice and haven’t really found a whole lot. One thing that does resonate is the concept of the bashert or soulmate.
While I understand the threat that intermarriage poses to the future of the Jewish religion, if the concept of the bashert is true, why would G-d choose a non-Jewish soulmate for a Jewish person? If marrying a non-Jew is technically a prohibited class of marriage, why would G-d allow it at all?
While I cannot imagine not having the guise of choice in choosing a partner (i.e. an arranged marriage), there is some comfort in the idea behind destiny, fate and the idea that who we are meant to be with was pre-ordained long before we even started looking for them.
Some of us end up wasting a lot of time trying to find the person with whom we are meant to be. So, it’s nice to know that maybe those frogs were a means to an end of finding a prince. It makes all the heartbreak worth it. It makes all the uncertainty of thinking that maybe I’d be alone forever or maybe I was meant to be alone, a little less uncertain.
I know our journey into marriage is just beginning. I know there will be bumps along the way, and that just because we are bashert, doesn’t mean that our marriage will be problem free. No marriage is perfect, and no person is without flaws. As I’ve learned recently, nothing in life comes easy, but the most important things are worth fighting for or fighting over.
At least we don’t have to fight about whose family we’re going to for the High Holidays.
Related
Things got heavy with my yoga instructor. I don't want it to end my marriage: Ask Ellie
Q: I’m 37, a mother of two very active young sons in primary grades, in a two-income marriage and very busy scheduling taking the kids to their swimming lessons, basketball and hockey games.
My outlet from the stress of balancing work, kids and household is yoga. I joined a club and am committed to the classes.
That’s how the trouble started. The yoga teacher took an interest in me, which I initially thought was just kind and helpful.
But I foolishly agreed to stay late after an evening class “to talk.” I’m ashamed to admit I ended up letting him kiss and fondle me, until I suddenly snapped to reality and bolted.
I love my husband and don’t want to end my marriage. I’m terrified he’ll find out somehow and be devastated. I’ve been cool with the instructor since, rushing away after class, and he’s got the message.
What should I do to assure it’ll never be known? Why did I even let it happen?
Terrified
A: Find another yoga club.
There’s no way to assure that he won’t talk about you or try again while you’re still in his sights.
You had a moment of dangerous distraction from your main goals. Consider it an escapist moment of lust — something you’d feel very hurt by if you discovered that your husband was in a similar incident.
Time to look closer at your overscheduled life. Talk to your husband about this. Perhaps you’re both overly-hyped about your children’s achievements at this stage, instead of focusing on just one or two of their interests.
You’d both benefit from seeing a counsellor to discuss ways to make your marriage and parenting more about togetherness with a more relaxed schedule.
Also, develop your network of friendship and support with other busy mothers who rely on each other for relaxing and sharing common concerns.
Reader’s commentary: Regarding the column about cannabis use (Sept. 15):
“If teens are interested in marijuana they’re probably already using it!
“I live two blocks from a well-respected private school. Regularly, there are small groups of teenage boys smoking marijuana in the alley behind my house.
“I’m a huge supporter of cannabis, in my 70s, with severe allergies to many pharmaceuticals.
“Cannabis has never given me respiratory issues like the vast amounts of second-hand cigarette smoke going into the lungs of seniors and children in this city.”
Ellie: For a while, many of us thought the tide had turned on smoking, as increasing numbers of people heeded the cancer warnings and quit the habit.
I was introduced to smoking by an older boy when I was not yet a teenager. I loved it because I thought it made me look cool. Then I was hooked for years. My clothes and hair smelled, it took all my will power to quit.
Now e-cigarettes, vaping and JUUL are part of the never-ending entrepreneurial quest for a new money-making craze, especially among youth and adolescents.
Yet, according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) JUUL products, with their aerosol mix of chemicals, nicotine, and fruit flavourings, deliver a higher concentration of nicotine than some other types of e-cigarettes.
The latter have cartridges filled with nicotine and other chemicals, which turn into a vapour or steam that a person inhales.
Back to cannabis — I’m in support of legalization, for adults, and especially for people like you for whom marijuana, smoked or ingested, offers major health benefits compared to other drugs, especially when replacing extremely addictive pain relievers.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Over-scheduled, stress-inducing lifestyles can lead to making regrettable “escapist” mistakes.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.
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Opposites share long marriage despite leading separate lives
Dear Abby:
I have been married for 30 years. Although my husband and I are both positive people, we have not had a happy marriage.
He leads the life of a bachelor, including sex with other women and unilateral decision-making. He’s outgoing, generous and well-liked. I’m a homebody who often feels lonely and rejected.
Outsiders would be surprised at the true nature of our relationship. We have been to counseling, but it didn’t help. Why do I stay in this marriage? What’s wrong with me? Are there others like me?
— Incredulous In Indiana
Dear Incredulous: You wouldn’t have stayed married to your husband if you didn’t derive some benefit from it. Because counseling didn’t change the dynamic between you and your husband doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have some independently.
Your problem may be lack of self-esteem or fear of being alone, a problem shared by many women in dysfunctional marriages. If you’re sincere about finding the answers to your questions, they await you in the office of a licensed therapist.
Dear Abby: My older sister recently passed away after a 22-year battle with lupus. She beat the odds for so long, and even gave us the miracle that is her son.
Logically, I understand that medically there was nothing left the doctors could do, but emotionally I feel like I killed her because I went along with the doctors. Is it normal to feel this guilt?
I have nightmares every night now because I hear her last words. I see how she was both on and off life support. When I make myself eat, I overeat. But honestly, I could easily go back to never eating like I did before. Is all of this normal for the grief process?
— Feeling Guilty In Oregon
Dear Feeling Guilty: Yes, what you’re experiencing is normal — to a degree. However, if the nightmares and feelings of guilt persist, discuss them with a grief counselor or a religious adviser.
You alluded to having “gone along with the doctors.” If by that you mean you agreed that your sister should receive palliative care at the end, you did her a favor, not a disservice.
Dear Abby: I dated this woman for almost a year. It ended when she gave me an ultimatum: convert to her religion or walk. She is Pentecostal, and I am Catholic. We are both deeply rooted to our own churches.
A few months have gone by. She still has deep feelings for me, but I don’t know if I feel the same way because of her ultimatum. One of us must convert or we won’t be able to move forward. But there are big differences between the two religions. What should I do?
— Converting in
Dear Converting: Because you are deeply rooted in your Catholicism and no longer sure you feel the same way about her, let her go so she can find a good Pentecostal husband. Religion is something a person must believe in, not switch to please someone else. There are plenty of fish in the sea for both of you, so keep fishing.
Married couple sleeps in separate rooms
Dear Harriette:
My husband and I no longer sleep in the same room. It all started when the air conditioner broke in our bedroom. It was so hot that I couldn’t sleep in there. Now I have been sleeping in the living room for several months — and I like it. No snoring. No interruptions. Everything else is pretty much the same, except for where we lay our heads. Does it seem odd that I like being in the other room better? Do you think this is a sign of trouble in our marriage?
— Sleeping Arrangments, Boston
Dear Sleeping Arrangements: I think you and your husband should talk about it. Patterns emerge and change over the years in marriages. When something as significant as where you sleep changes, it is wise for you to check in to see how you both feel about it.
I know a couple who were married almost 50 years. For at least 20 of them, they had separate bedrooms. The wife once told me that the way they continued to have intimacy well into their 70s was by planning once-a-month trysts that were romantic and tender. On those evenings, they stayed in the same room.
Dear Harriette: For years I was extremely active in my church. I taught Sunday school when my kids were little. I sang in the choir every Sunday for decades. Now, my kids are grown, and I am tired. I don’t go to church as much as I used to, even though I do continue to tithe. My workload is heavy, and I often rest on Sunday mornings. I tend to go to church for special occasions and for Communion.
I feel comfortable with my new attendance schedule, but whenever I show up, somebody has a wisecrack to make. Most of those people never put in the kind of time that I did over the years. How do I handle the criticism?
— Tired Churchgoer,
Dear Tired Churchgoer: Clearly you have served for years at your church. This is great and should make you happy. The discipline of being part of your church community was important to you for a long time, especially when your children were growing up. That you now have established a less-rigorous rhythm is OK. What’s most important is for you to check in with yourself. Do you feel spiritually whole? Are you receiving the support you need to fortify that part of your life? If you are at peace with your new schedule, ignore the parishioners who criticize you. There will always be people who have opinions. Just make sure that you are following a path that supports your heart and soul.
If you feel like you want to respond to any of these people, you can simply say that you feel good about your new schedule. You remain an active member of the community and a monthly tither. You can add that you believe it’s time for others to step in and do some of the things that you once managed. In a community, everybody should share the workload. Encourage them to step up and do more.
