Category Archives: marriage advice
Carolyn Hax: She's dating a man in an open marriage. Will her business partner disapprove?
-
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “The Real Reasons Men Shut Down”
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “The Real Reasons Men Shut Down”
Photo: Brooke Anderson Photography, Getty Images
![Don't try to change him"I shut down when I feel like she wants to change who I am and my core values. I open up when I feel that who I am is why she fell in love with me in the first place." — Lawrence, 36, Baltimore, MDGet him to open up: "The best way to get a man to change is to not ask him to change, but to say, I love the fact that you do this and this — things you know he sees as his core values — and then mention something that he doesn't do, but that you'd like him to do without directly asking that he do it," says Dr. Pollack. If he's shutting off, one of your interactions can be, "I love what you usually do [insert something that reflects who he is here], so why did you stop?" He may say, "Well, you always want me to stop doing this and be someone else and you don't like me as a person." You can respond, "I love who you are as a person, and that's the most important thing to me." By telling him what you adore and appreciate, you'll encourage him to take a risk and try something new without shutting down. Photo: Getty Images / (c) Frank Rothe](https://s.hdnux.com/photos/17/56/74/4124455/5/920x920.jpg)
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “The Real Reasons Men Shut Down”
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for “The Real Reasons Men Shut Down”
Photo: Brooke Anderson Photography, Getty Images
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
My best friend, “Pam,” and I have been friends since college, and run a small catering business together. We were married the same year and have children who all grew up together. While Pam is still married, I’ve been divorced for years.
I love Pam like a sister but she’s a little rigid in her thinking and I think she’ll disapprove of my current relationship because the man, “Gary,” is married. His wife lost interest in both him and sex years ago and has looked the other way when he sees other women, as long as he’s discreet, so it’s not like we’re doing anything really underhanded.
Pam knows I’m seeing someone and has been pushing to meet him, but I haven’t told her he’s married because I’m afraid she’ll freak out and won’t accept that the current setup works for all of us: me, Gary and his wife.
Since the wife is an occasional client of our business (that’s how I met Gary), I don’t want to risk introducing Gary to Pam without telling her the whole story. What’s the best way to handle this? Should I keep stonewalling her or come clean?
— Me
“I’m dating a man who is in an open marriage. Is this going to be a problem?” Proceed from there.
Dear Carolyn:
You’ve advised posing ideas as questions: “Do you think … ?”
People will know they are not questions. My family does this, as if I’m too dumb to know what they’re really doing. Not helpful.
— Anonymous
Then say so! And then say what would be helpful to you.
I take issue with the notion, though, that framing things as questions equates to treating people as if they’re stupid. I see it as a gesture of respect: I have thoughts, but you have the last word, so I will address whatever you have presented to me, but I will do so in a way that clearly defers to you.
That’s also just my view, not a universal one — and so it’s a gesture of respect to let people know what bothers you by saying so and why. “I find this conversation frustrating.” And then: “I’d appreciate just having someone to listen,” or, “I would rather work this out on my own,” or, “I’m well aware of how you all feel, and I respectfully ask you to drop it,” or, “If you have a suggestion, them please just say it directly.”
The calmer and more specific you can be, the better.
Hi, Carolyn:
I had a mutual interest in someone back in college, around five years ago, that eventually amounted to nothing. I wanted a relationship, she did not, we parted ways and have not kept in touch outside of a few social media posts.
About a week ago, she reached out in what seemed like a harmless, let’s-catch-up manner. We’ve been texting nonstop ever since. She is overseas for work and returns in a few weeks. Am I merely an emotional/boredom crutch for her while she’s on her assignment, or is there something she wants to rekindle?
— Old Flame
Assume it’s the least unless and until it proves itself as the most. That’s about the limit of my divination skills. Sadly.
Prophet Tb Joshua of SCOAN has an important marriage advice
Prophet Temitope Balogun Joshua shares an important marriage advice online.
On September 18, 2018, the founder of the Synagogue Church of all Nations (SCOAN) took to Facebook to offer some relationship tips.
According to the popular preacher, there are two things that people must consider before tying the knot. These two things are the right time and the right person.
The SCOAN founder goes on to explain why these two things writing, “It is the right time that brings about the right person. It is not the right person that brings about the right time. If there is a mistake in these two, there will be trouble in the marriage tomorrow. The right time and the right person - that is what builds marriage. If you want to marry, wait for God’s time. When it is the right time, the right person will come. If you don’t wait for the right time, the marriage will not stand the test of time.”
ALSO READ: Rev Adejumo returns with relationship advice
Prophet T.B Joshua offers spiritual advice
The cleric also had some faith advice to share. On September 17, 2018, he told his followers how to honor Jesus.
His post was captioned: “How should we honor Jesus’ name in our daily lives as believers? This simple sermon from T.B. Joshua provides a string of stirring truths which will surely impact your spiritual life in a memorable manner! And remember - no matter what you are going through, hold fast to your declaration of God’s faithfulness!”
Watch the full sermon below.
My 'best' friend married a man I don't like. I wasn't invited to her wedding: Ask Ellie
My once-best friend of five years and I first met online and a year later in person. I was 18, she was 22. We lived three hours apart.
I supported her through several relationship issues with various guys. She has insecurities and is very jealous that her younger sister married and had children before her.
After breaking up with her last boyfriend, she moved into an apartment alone. I was glad she was taking time to figure out what she wanted.
However, two weeks later she was “swept off her feet.”
I visited her for a weekend and urged her to take it slow this time, as she’d previously sleep with guys early on and move in too soon.
She told me that the new guy doesn’t work and lives off disability due to a back injury.
He’s 12 years her senior, has two sons from his previous marriage and was living alone in a rented room. Red flags, to me.
After a month of dating, she said he’s “The One.”
During my weekend visit, he’d constantly text her, call her and drag her attention away from me.
When we were having a girls’ night in her apartment, he texted that he was outside.
I was left in her apartment for almost two hours while she had sex in his truck in the parking lot.
I was angry. She later apologized and said it’d be different next visit.
But then, too, she was constantly on the phone with him and sneaking off to have sex.
When I finally met him, he said he’d “destroy me” in bed due to my small stature … in front her.
Our friendship became more distant after that as she was completely absorbed by him. He moved in and they bought a house together with her money.
Now she works over 60 hours a week while he collects disability.
She’s also paying for lawyers to get his two children back.
I told her I didn’t like him, nor how she’s treated me since she’s been with him.
I said I’d like a second chance to get to know him. But he blocked my profile on social media when she showed him my messages.
A year later, they were engaged, according to Facebook. I congratulated her, but I was told I wasn’t invited because it was going to be a small “family” gathering.
I sent congratulations and other cards, but she never asked about my life.
When they married, I “liked” the photos to show my support but was unsure if I should message her.
Now, two weeks after the wedding, she’s finally deleted me from her social media.
Should I have sent a card or send one now? Or is my friend gone for good?
Lost Friend?
She was desperate to marry and hasn’t been your good friend for years. “Best” friends deserve more caring and the respect of mutual interest in each other’s lives.
Your much-longer letter mentioned mostly texts between you, most seeming all about her.
Despite the prevalence of text and social media, being truly connected means giving time to a friend, asking questions, sharing confidences and fun … even if there’s a boyfriend waiting.
Her marriage may or may not last. What’s certain is that, unless she gains a stronger self-image, she’ll repeat the same pattern with a next guy.
She may one day need you again, but unfortunately it’s unlikely to ever be an equal friendship.
It’s not her way.
Tip of the day
Don’t mistake a mostly text relationship for a close friendship if there’s only one-way needs and self-interest.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.
She's dating a man in open marriage. Will business partner disapprove?
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My best friend, “Pam,” and I have been friends since college, and run a small catering business together. We were married the same year and have children who all grew up together. While Pam is still married, I’ve been divorced for years.
I love Pam like a sister but she’s a little rigid in her thinking and I think she’ll disapprove of my current relationship because the man, “Gary,” is married. His wife lost interest in both him and sex years ago and has looked the other way when he sees other women, as long as he’s discreet, so it’s not like we’re doing anything really underhanded.
Pam knows I’m seeing someone and has been pushing to meet him, but I haven’t told her he’s married because I’m afraid she’ll freak out and won’t accept that the current setup works for all of us: me, Gary and his wife.
Since the wife is an occasional client of our business (that’s how I met Gary), I don’t want to risk introducing Gary to Pam without telling her the whole story. What’s the best way to handle this? Should I keep stonewalling her or come clean?
– Me
“I’m dating a man who is in an open marriage. Is this going to be a problem?” Proceed from there.
Dear Carolyn: You’ve advised posing ideas as questions: “Do you think … ?”
People will know they are not questions. My family does this, as if I’m too dumb to know what they’re really doing. Not helpful.
– Anonymous
Then say so! And then say what would be helpful to you.
I take issue with the notion, though, that framing things as questions equates to treating people as if they’re stupid. I see it as a gesture of respect: I have thoughts, but you have the last word, so I will address whatever you have presented to me, but I will do so in a way that clearly defers to you.
Read more:
That’s also just my view, not a universal one – and so it’s a gesture of respect to let people know what bothers you by saying so and why. “I find this conversation frustrating.” And then: “I’d appreciate just having someone to listen,” or, “I would rather work this out on my own,” or, “I’m well aware of how you all feel, and I respectfully ask you to drop it,” or, “If you have a suggestion, them please just say it directly.”
The calmer and more specific you can be, the better.
Hi, Carolyn: I had a mutual interest in someone back in college, around five years ago, that eventually amounted to nothing. I wanted a relationship, she did not, we parted ways and have not kept in touch outside of a few social media posts.
About a week ago, she reached out in what seemed like a harmless, let’s-catch-up manner. We’ve been texting nonstop ever since. She is overseas for work and returns in a few weeks. Am I merely an emotional/boredom crutch for her while she’s on her assignment, or is there something she wants to rekindle?
– Old Flame
Assume it’s the least unless and until it proves itself as the most. That’s about the limit of my divination skills. Sadly.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://on.freep.com/2Dg8kbX
