Category Archives: marriage advice
Dear fellow millennials, marrying at 22 is the best decision I ever made
Getting married as a 22-year-old set me apart from most millennials, but my own experience made me ask: Why does my generation wait so long to wed?
Millennials like to take their lives into their own hands. They prove it by posting their travels on Instagram (#WanderLust). They wholeheartedly pursue their jobs and hobbies. Those in my generation strive to pour themselves into something that defines them.
Except we seem unable to commit to the same level in our relationships: Only a quarter of my generation is married, while 86 percent of single people near millennial age say they want to be at some point.
Not everyone — some people don’t want to get hitched and that’s fine, but many say they do and aren’t doing anything. When millennials do get married, they end up walking down the aisle at a median age of 28.
Our generation has basically flipped the norms of years gone by: In 1965, 78 percent of people ages 21-36 were married at the typical age of 22.
This means that, with my marriage just over a month ago at 22, I accomplished my relationship goals six years before my generation’s average. It also means acquaintances often congratulate me on my wedding just before asking, “How old are you?” This question prompted me to wonder why so many millennials are forgoing domestic bliss for years and years.
Dating is hard, but it gets easier with practice
I asked Jennifer Murff, Ph.D., the president of Millennials for Marriage and an adjunct professor at Regent University, about these trends, and she said it partly boils down to fear. It seems that my generation is too risk-averse to start and commit to the relationships so many say they want.
Murff said millennials don’t know how to date anymore, and I think she’s right. I admit, it wasn’t easy for me to ask my crush (and future wife) on an actual date junior year of college. There was so much riding on it — namely my pride — and she could say no to another date if we ever got past the first one. What if she wasn’t into me?
But dating gets easier the more you do it. We enjoyed ourselves throughout our courtship by going on car rides, watching movies, and grabbing dinner. What started as dating turned into a relationship, and now we’re married.
The concept is simple: Have fun, get to know the other person, then take it to the next level. If it doesn’t work out, nothing’s lost and experience is gained.
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If my generation has a hard time meeting people and starting relationships, it’s no wonder that they have a hard time plighting their troth. I met some of my friend’s housemates this summer, and after mentioning my weekend plans were to wed, one young woman among them joked that I should chat up her boyfriend. She said they had been dating for four years, and it seemed like she thought their status wasn’t about to change anytime soon.
Murff said it’s common for the 24 percent of millennials whose parents are separated or divorced to have a skewed or damaged view of marriage, because of what they’ve seen. They’re afraid their marriage will end in the familiar shambles they grew up with.
This is reinforced by a common perception that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. But that dismal statistic is inaccurate. The New York Times reported in 2014 that 89 percent of college-educated couples who married in the early 2000s were still married seven years later. A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study found that college-educated women have a 78 percent chance of a marriage lasting 20 years while their male counterparts have a 65 percent chance.
Your mentality matters. Millennials like to challenge the culture, so challenge the divorce rate. Approach marriage without accounting for the possibility of divorce. Statistics don’t determine whether marriages succeed or fail — you do.
Marriages work if you make them work
Why not test a romantic relationship before jumping into the long-haul commitment? Psychologists have found cohabiting is more harmful than helpful for long-term relationship success: It increases anxiety and aggression, and lowers relationship confidence. The CDC study cited above also says that those who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce in the long run.
Statistically speaking, it makes more sense to exchange vows and rings if you’re already dating someone than to keep on testing the relationship for years.
Besides fear of divorce, Murff said millennials are afraid they might not choose the right person. My advice as a married man of several weeks? Nobody is perfect (sorry, sweetheart). Waiting for a relationship that requires no effort means waiting forever. Real love takes real work.
A marriage starts with commitment, and it doesn’t end until you die. Maybe that scares young people enough to date longer than a presidential term with just as little to show for it. Maybe that explains why someone I had never met would half-jokingly ask me to draw her boyfriend a map to the nearest jeweler. Maybe he should follow the map and finally buy an engagement ring. And maybe the 86 percent of my generation who are still waiting around should, too.
Brendan Clarey is a Collegiate Network fellow for USA TODAY’s Opinion section. Follow him on Twitter: @BrendanClarey
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What Divorced Men Wish They Had Done Differently In Their Marriages
After a marriage ends and you’ve gained some time and distance from the relationship, you can slowly start to see where things went wrong. As they say, hindsight is 20/20.
Your own mistakes and shortcomings― things you did or didn’t do, things you said or didn’t say ― come into plain view, hopefully offering important lessons to be carried into your future relationships.
We asked divorced men to share some of the things they wish they had done differently while they were still married. Here’s what they told us:
I wish I had gone to bed at the same time as my wife.
“Even before we started sleeping in separate rooms, we didn’t go to bed together. And I don’t mean we stopped having sex, I mean we didn’t go to sleep at the same time. I would stay up late and decompress watching my favorite show and she would go to bed at what I thought was a crazy-early bedtime. I’ve learned there is a special kind of closeness to be nurtured by ending your day together. Snuggling up and letting the day wash over one another and speaking fleeting thoughts is a bond we should all aspire to have.” ― Adam Petzold
I wish I had put more effort into mending the relationship while I still could.
“My greatest regret from the beginning of my divorce three years ago through today is not trying a little harder before things got to the point of divorce. I became complacent, distant, and stopped caring. While divorce was the right choice for us in hindsight, I regret letting it get to that point. Yes, we were unhappy in our marriage, but my children and ‘normal’ family life will never be the same, and just maybe I could have prevented that.” ― Derick Turner
I wish I had spoken up more instead of bottling up my feelings.
“There are so many things I realize I could have done better, but if I had to choose just one, it’s that I kept quiet about any regrets I had. Whether it was something serious, like moving in together before I was ready, or something less intense, like eating her broccoli rabe even though it made me gag, it somehow felt disloyal to share my ruefulness. In hindsight, though, I see that expressing my true feelings would have been honest. And marriages are nothing without honesty. Immediately explaining your disappointment with a personal decision makes you transparent, and allowing your partner to see what you wish you could do over can solidify your bond. Meanwhile, keeping quiet about your regrets demonstrates a lack of trust that ultimately tears apart a relationship.” ― Craig Tomashoff
I wish I had waited to get married.
“I wouldn’t have gotten married at such a young age. Quite simply, I had no idea who I was yet so being ‘true’ to myself would have been impossible. I married at a very young age and I was still trying to find my true north. Due to many childhood issues from the family I grew up in, my emotional wiring was already a bigger mess than I knew. In many ways, stepping into my early 20s, my soul carried on more like a civil war than the compass it should have been for my life.
“Because of the environment I was raised in, I learned very early in life how to pretend everything was OK. This was both unhealthy for me emotionally and completely unfair to my young wife at that time. As the years passed, I began to understand who I was and what parts of me were never going to change. Honestly, we both grew up into the people we were destined to be. And those people made far better friends than partners in a relationship.” ― Michael Cheshire
I wish I had been honest about my personal fears and struggles.
“I wish that I would have been more transparent about my challenges as a man, as a father and as a husband. I kept negative thoughts and fears stuffed deep inside, which did nothing positive for either of us. I wanted the best for her and for us, but keeping her sheltered from the downsides was not the right way. She thought all was good, and I’d isolated myself emotionally. A truly solid relationship relies on open communication without fear of retribution. One must love and respect their own self as well as their partner, which includes openly divulging fears and challenges.” ― Bill Douglas
I wish I had stood up for myself more.
“When we were first married, my (now ex-) wife supported us while I was struggling to get started in my career. Because of that, I deferred to her and took a backseat as far as our decision-making. When things worked out and I began doing really well, I expected to have a more equal role. But it was not to be. That original dynamic was baked in, and she remained fairly dominant. Totally my fault — I lacked the strength early on to assert my value and role in our relationship, regardless of financial contribution. I doubt it would have changed the eventual outcome, but it might have been a more enjoyable ride (at least for me) while we were together.” ― Barry Gold, author of Gray Divorce Stories
I wish I had truly listened to her because she just wanted to be heard.
“Divorce was a painful wake-up call for me. It was only then that I got to be honest with how I really showed up (or didn’t show up) for my wife. When I look back, there are thousands of mistakes I made over 16 years. Most of them were small. A few were big, but the mistake that cost me the most was my inability to really listen. I didn’t get that my wife’s greatest need was to feel heard, validated and understood. Instead, every time she was upset I would either get defensive, try to fix it, or walk away and avoid her, hoping she would get over it. What I didn’t realize at the time was how much my pride and inability to understand her point of view cost us in terms of intimacy and trust. I really believe that if I could have just been able to be present with her and more respectful of her feelings, we could have made it through all the other ups and downs. But because I didn’t really make her my biggest priority, I ended up losing her forever.” ― Gerald Rogers
I wish I had taken responsibility for my part in our issues.
“My biggest regret is my lack of self-awareness and poor communication skills. I never stopped to figure out why I felt how I felt, said what I said, or did what I did. I operated in the relationship reactively, and you just can’t do that or you will have the same issues over and over. It wasn’t until I worked on learning how to communicate effectively and be self-aware that I fully realized my contribution to the downfall of what we had. It may not have lasted anyway, but certainly a lot less damage would have been done and the latent resentments and animosity could have been curbed quite a bit. When you aren’t self-aware and do not communicate well, things devolve into a power struggle of whose needs are more important and whose are not being met, and you simply can’t resolve that without either.” ― Billy Flynn
Jason Evert delivers talk on marriage preparation through chastity
ELAINA BRUGH
STAFF WRITER
Jason Evert, former Franciscan Alumnus, captivates students in his “How to Save your Marriage Before Meeting Your Spouse” (Photo by Charlie Adams).
Renowned chastity speaker Jason Evert shared tips with Franciscan University of Steubenville students on Sept. 4 through his talk, “How to Save Your Marriage Before Meeting Your Spouse.” Evert began speaking at 9:05 p.m. after a brief delay due to an alarm which was set off about 15 minutes before and eventually shut off by a Jefferson security officer.
Evert spoke to a full house, with people spilling out of rows and onto the floor in the Gentile Gallery. Many early arrivers were surprised to be unable to find a seat after 8:30 p.m.
In this second talk of the Gift of Human Sexuality Symposium, Evert stressed the importance of living out chastity at all states of life. Peppered with practical advice and entertaining anecdotes, Evert addressed what chastity is and why the current culture is in desperate need of people who practice it.
“Chastity is not a repressive attitude of human sexuality but rather the courage to speak the truth in and through the human body,” said Evert, who explained that chastity frees a person to love and to know if he or she is being authentically loved.
Evert spent a portion of the talk lamenting the state of dating today. “Dating is more confusing than ever,” he said. “There’s a breakdown in the family, in relationships.” He explained that through living out the virtue of chastity, a person will discover not only the authentic love of others, but also a reflection of God’s love for him or herself.
Love, said Evert, is not about finding the perfect person but rather loving someone else enough to grow into the person he or she deserves. By focusing on personal growth and holiness in the “season of singlehood,” a person will grow ready for a mature and holy relationship when that time comes.
In addition to the abstract, Evert presented a plethora of real-life situations relating to chastity, dating and marriage, and he gave practical advice on how to handle them. Some advice was as simple as enjoying the “season of singlehood” and pursuing God and his plans for the present instead of a relationship.
“Chastity is ultimately a gift from God and something that we need to ask for,” said Evert. “The most important thing to remember is trust. Trust the Father and his plan for your vocation.”
Students found Evert’s talk to be both entertaining and useful. Freshman Grace Cech said, “What he’s talking about is important because it’s so countercultural, but he gives simple solutions (to common problems).”
Don't beg Diamond for marriage, just dump him; Zari tells Hamisa
FROM LEFT: Zari Hassan, Diamond Platnumz and Hamisa MobettoBy SYLVANIA AMBANI
Ugandan-born socialite Zari Hassan appears to have buried the hatchet with love rival Hamisa Mobetto, offering her free advice on how to deal with Tanzanian lover boy Diamond Platnumz.
Hamisa has recently been linked to leaked recordings of her alleged conversation with a witch doctor on how to lure Diamond Platnumz into marriage.
Diamond has since confirmed that the voice in the recording to Hamisa, the mother of his son.
The scandal appears to have captured the attention of Zari who dated diamond for three years until the “Jibebe” hit maker cheated on her with Hamisa.
Zari, in an Instagram post, has adviced Hamisa not to ever beg a man to be with her.
She told her to follow her example by walking out of a relationship in which she is not appreciated.
“Never give anyone the power to ‘choose’ between you and someone else. If they can’t decide, decide for them. Walk tf away and never look back. Go where you’re celebrated. Don’t even explain it to anyone, your journey is yours. NOBODY has to understand it but YOU. Sending nothing but love to you sis in TZ, Now wipe those tears and fix that,” posted Zari Hassan.
