Relationships Talk

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” – Thomas à Kempis

“…he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death – even death on a cross!” – Bible

Ever heard these words from someone, or maybe used them yourself?

“I feel so stressed out all the time. Everyone expects me to do everything. If I don’t take care of things, they don’t get done.”

“I’m just trying to help.”

“Let me show you how to do that.”

“How many times have I told you…?”

“Don’t you think it would be better if you…?”

“I just want you to be happy.”

Hidden beneath the words above is very likely the desire to control someone. We all have control problems of some kind. Its roots can be found in our sin nature; we want first of all to provide for our own protection and pleasure, and in order to do so we must be in control. Thinking about the (classical) Seven Deadly Sins of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride, they are all an expression of unhealthy control.

From the very beginning we had a control problem. God told Adam and Eve they had free reign in Eden with one exception: they were not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. But Satan convinced them to exercise their own control over the situation: “Go ahead and eat; God doesn’t have your best interests in mind.”

In my opinion most marriage problems are rooted in the issue of control. First of all, we are reluctant to allow God into our lives; we don’t like his “rules” and his conviction, so we either ignore or deny him. Then we don’t want our spouse to control us; they might not give us the protection and pleasure we desire.

Focus on the Family has several articles discussing control in marriage, including articles by Kimberly and LeRoy Wagner, Karen Marchant and Karen Ehman. They mention several indicators of controlling behavior.

If things don’t go as I’d planned, do I get stressed and respond in hurtful ways?

Do I function as though I believe my way of functioning is superior to that of my spouse?

Do I find it extremely difficult to defer to my spouse?

Who calls the shots most of the time?

Do my spouse and I equally contribute when big decisions need to be made?

Does my spouse feel safe providing an alternate idea or plan?

Do I receive input from my spouse and demonstrate appreciation for that input?

Is there an issue that needs to be addressed, or am I just trying to control?

Control can be exercised in many ways. The upfront “person in charge” is fairly obvious. Others are expert at getting their own way through subtle manipulation. For example, some spouses are very effective putting a guilt trip on their wife/husband.

It is not always easy to recognize when a control problem exists. Some people are very conscientious and want the best for their spouse. The goal is good but the methods to reach that goal may not be. First of all husband and wife both have ideas about what’s best for them, and they may not be the same. Providing helpful advice and suggestions in a loving manner can be very beneficial, but forcing or manipulating someone to follow that advice is harmful to the relationship.

Control problems in marriage usually result in what psychologists call the “pursue-withdraw syndrome,” where one partner keeps approaching the other about some issue, while the other becomes overloaded and withdraws or superficially complies.

So how do we get rid of these control tendencies? The answer is simple; the application isn’t. Jesus said “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” We must learn to deny ourselves. Put aside the desire for self-protection and self-pleasure. Don’t eliminate it; just keep it in proper perspective with your spouse’s needs and concerns.

COLUMBUS COUNTY, NC (WECT) –

Marriage is for eternity, and Edith and Melton McPherson are a shining example of that phrase.  

We first met them on Valentine’s Day in 2016, when they shared advice on what makes a marriage last. 

“He means a lot to me. I just wouldn’t want to go on without him,” said Edith McPherson in 2016.

And she didn’t. Edith McPherson lived just 10 days without her husband Melton. 

“Brother Melton and Sister Edith, they were sweet lovebirds,” said Pastor Buddy Shay and the couple’s funeral Friday in Beaverdam.

The lovebirds met as children and grew up on the same street in Columbus County. Seven decades later, their coffins sat side by side.

“They met and fell in love in the 1940’s and were married in 1952,” said daughter Lisa Sellers-Nance. “Then, my father went to serve in the Korean War and wrote my mama love letters every day.”

It was an unparalleled love that lasted nearly 66 years.

Melton died Aug 18. Edith died August 28, only going on a few days without her soulmate.

“They had a love and a connection that I could only pray to have one day,” said Sellers-Nance. “They were just the best people anyone could ever ask to be.”

They spent their lives devoted to their family and their church, but most importantly each other.

“It is almost like when you have been together 65 and half years you know what the other one is thinking. It was just very special,” said son, Michael McPherson.

The final days of their journey were spent side by side at a hospice center. Both were weak and unable to speak, but couldn’t bear to be apart.

“They had their beds side by side,” said Sellers-Nance. “They took their hands and placed them together on a pillow in the center of the two beds. Those hands didn’t move the entire night.”

That image and their love will stay with those who knew the couple.

“The staff used to come in and say this is the hospice version of The Notebook movie and we know beyond a shadow of a doubt of mama and daddy could have written their last chapter so to speak in life that they wouldn’t have wanted it any other way,” said Sellers-Nance. 

Copyright 2018 WECT. All rights reserved.

Get these up on the refrigerator — STAT.

When you first fall in love and get engaged, it’s easy to feel so excited about everything you have going on before getting married, that you forget to focus on what comes next once you’ve both said, “I do.” You know, the whole part where you start living your daily life as husband and wife in a real marriage.

The best marriage advice and tips on how to stay happily married are those that cover the raw truth about handling those issues that arise once the wedding and honeymoon have passed.

RELATED: Happily Married Men Reveal 21 Secrets For A Happy Marriage

If you want your relationship to stay hot, passionate, healthy and last a lifetime, you can absolutely make that happen, and just a little bit of planning and forward thinking can take you and your marriage a long, long way.

Here are 10 of the best tips and pieces of marriage advice all engaged couples should memorize before the wedding so you can truly be happily married.

1. Expect the fire to cool

Your once-hot marriage will probably cool off over time. This is normal, and not really a problem in and of itself.

2. But be sure to fan the flames

Once your marriage cools off, there are things you can do to fan those embers and make your marriage hot again. Do them.

3. Make a point of remembering the early days

Think about what used to create passion in your relationship and do it again, whether you feel like it or not.

4. Make romantic gestures often

In order for passion to be sustained, and recreated when necessary, you need to make romantic and sexy gestures toward your spouse, even when you don’t feel doing so is “needed”.

5. Keep communication flowing

Your partner will be angry with you, resent you, complain to you, and even hate you at times, and the same holds true in reverse, but don’t let that get in the way of your connection.

Each of those “negative” feelings present opportunities for you to listen to each other, reconfirm your love, and renew your commitment to make things work.

RELATED: 25 Pieces Of The Best Marriage Advice Ever (Collected Over 13 Years)

6. Don’t allow yourself to get defensive

Listening to your complaining, resentful, disappointed (at times) partner without getting defensive is the single most important thing you can do to create long-term passion in your marriage.

Your active listening will shift their feelings into softer, more vulnerable expressions and emotions, which will ultimately lead to a closer — and hotter — marriage.

7. Show your love daily

A passionate and sexy marriage is maintain though those things you do daily to uplift your partner’s spirits. Each of these everyday signs of your love matters far more than those you exchange during an annual vacation.

8. Make regularly scheduled dates a priority

Weekly dates with your partner are extremely important and will help strengthen the bond in your relationship.

9. Offer compliments often

Look for ways to compliment your partner, even if you sometimes have to really think about what to say.

Pain is more likely to get our attention, so men and women often hyper-focus on the negative aspects of relationships. But consciously and intentionally paying attention to the good things in your relationships, as well as to your partner’s loving actions — and being sure to let them know how grateful you are — can help turn this mentality around.

10. Keep taking risks

Be vulnerable both inside and outside of the bedroom. Try new things with your partner, even if you feel awkward about it.

Long-term passion is our reward for courage and bravery.

If you expect an alive and sexy marriage to come easily, you will be greatly disappointed.

Don’t deprive yourself of the possibility of having an amazingly passionate and romantic long-term relationship. Do the work and go out on a limb consistently to build the thriving marriage you want.

Following these tips will change your life and your intimate relationship, but some may be more easily said than done.

If you need help maintaining the fire and passion in your marriage, don’t hesitate before seeking professional help.

RELATED: The 50 Best Marriage Tips Of All Time (From 50 Marriage Experts)

Todd Creager is an expert in relationships. For over 30 years, he has worked as a relationship therapist, specializing in marriage, sex, and couples counseling. For more information, drop him an e-mail.

This article was originally published at Todd Creager’s Website. Reprinted with permission from the author.

When one Married to Medicine couple is hurting, it definitely affects the whole crew. That was made abundantly clear when Dr. Simone Whitmore announced her intentions to file for divorce from her husband, Cecil Whitmore, after 21 years of marriage at the Season 5 reunion. As soon as the OBGYN broke the news, the entire group did their darndest to convince the couple to work things out, which they ultimately succeeded in doing in the 11th hour of the sit-down. 

The possibility of Dr. Simone and Cecil splitting up still caused some drama for Mariah Huq and her husband, Dr. Aydin Huq. “Oh God. [Aydin] and I argued about it because we love them so much and the reality is that you do have to pick one if your friends divorce so I’m like, ‘We get Simone.’ and he’s like, ‘No, we get Cecil.’ and I’m like, ‘Are you kidding me? We get SIMONE!’” Mariah said of how the couple’s issues impacted her own marriage during a recent interview with TheGrio. “I love Cecil and they are both great people and I don’t want to feel like I have to pick one. I love them both.” 

However, Mariah admitted that she does empathize a lot with Cecil’s position in his marriage. “One of the issues I can be empathetic to is that Cecil is as a spouse of a physician. I think when it’s a man in that position, people negate their feelings,” she explained. “Cecil has always maintained a successful job but his main job has been a father and mentor to his boys and they just sent their oldest to college. A lot of what they’re going through is coming up now. He has been there for Simone and the boys so much and I think a lot of it is his role is changing and having to re-identify his role in terms of getting closer to being empty nesters.”

Dr. Simone and Cecil have been committed to working on their marriage since their reconciliation at last season’s reunion. The couple celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary in May. Since then, they have continued to show their love and affection for one another on social media. 

But it’s clear that Dr. Simone and Cecil still have some things to work out in the new season of Married to Medicine, which kicks off on Sunday, September 2 at 8/7c. “I recently took the divorce off the table,” Dr. Simone shared in an update on her marriage in the above behind-the-scenes look at the filming of Season 6 of Married to Medicine. “He’s still stubborn with a capital S. I’m still stubborn with a tiny S. But we are trying to make it work.” 

When it comes to Married to Medicine relationships these days, Mariah said that she wishes Quad Webb-Lunceford would be more open to her advice when it comes to her issues with husband Dr. Gregory Lunceford, which we also saw come to a head at last season’s reunion. “I can tell Simone, ‘You are dead wrong,’ and she will ask me to explain that. Quad is younger so I don’t think she gets it as much so people don’t feel as comfortable being transparent with her and she’s afraid of hearing the truth,” Mariah told TheGrio. “Everyone has a role to play in a relationship. In the growth and in the demise of a relationship.” 

We’ll see where all of the Married to Medicine couples stand when Season 6 premieres Sunday, September 2 at 8/7c. Until then, catch all the drama to come, below.