Category Archives: marriage advice
Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend insists upon sex before marriage
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Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for quotes about marriage.
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for quotes about marriage.
Photo: Khosrork, Getty Images
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for quotes about marriage.
Keep clicking or swiping through the slideshow for quotes about marriage.
Photo: Khosrork, Getty Images
Carolyn is away. The following first appeared on Jan. 30 and Feb. 1, 2004.
I have a dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months. We love each other and want to get married. The problem is, he wants to have sex before we get married. I was raised to wait until marriage to have sex. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t want to go against my parents and sleep with him. He says it’s either sex or nothing at all.
— Helpless
You do have a dilemma, and sex isn’t it. You’re asking me whether to follow your boyfriend’s new orders or to keep following your parents’ old ones. Wow. The only orders you should ever heed on personal matters are the ones that come straight from your own mind.
If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to know: What do you want? What do you value? What do you think is right?
And if you don’t know the answers, then don’t get married yet, to anyone — not even to someone who conveniently agrees with your parents. Then all you get is a new parent, and still no mind of your own.
Figure this stuff out before you make any irreversible decisions. Take the next decade or two, if you need it. I’m serious. The test isn’t timed and the only wrong answers are the ones you don’t bother to find.
Then, once you have those answers, ask yourself how you feel about his ultimatum.
Don’t get me wrong. He is absolutely entitled to decide he won’t marry someone he has never slept with.
And you, likewise, are absolutely entitled to decide your values are more important to you than he is.
No one is too good to lose, except you.
Dear Carolyn:
About four months ago my wife started becoming friends with a man she works with. He’s a health nut and she wanted to lose some weight. This led them to become fast friends. My wife has always been very open about their friendship, telling me whenever they do something, and always makes sure I don’t mind — which for the most part I don’t.
My problem is that now I feel like all the things I used to give her emotionally (a shoulder to cry on, someone to gossip with, etc.) she now gets from him. I feel that if I say something she might break off her friendship and resent me later. I want my wife to have a life outside of our marriage. How can I talk to her and not make her think I want to control her life.
— Confused in New Hampshire
You miss her. Say so. You’re happy she has a friend, but you miss her.
It’s neither controlling nor possessive. Nor unfair, paranoid, jealous or scared. It’s what a husband should feel when his wife isn’t around as much. (Imagine if you felt relief.) If she doesn’t miss you, then best to find out now.
If she offers to end the friendship, though, refuse; just ask for more time with her. Then make some. Make dinner reservations, buy show tickets, hold hands. Renew YOUR friendship.
Kim Richards' advice to 'RHOBH' newcomer Denise Richards: 'Watch out'
LOS ANGELES – Kim Richards is making her much-anticipated return to reality television, while cautioning another famous woman with the same last name.
The “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” alum arrived with her former co-star Brandi Glanville and spoke with reporters Tuesday at the premiere for the newest season of “Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars” where she appears with her now ex-boyfriend Wynn Katz.
Despite Richards’ departure from “Housewives,” she issued a word of advice for series newcomer and ex-wife of Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards.
“So, last year when I decided that I wasn’t going to do “Housewives,” little did I know that they’d go out and hire another Richards – I mean, come on,” she joked. “But, I think she’s beautiful and I think it’s going to be an exciting year for them.”
“It seems like she’s already done reality. I don’t think she really needs any advice. Just watch out for a couple of the girls,” warned Richards.
The 53-year-old, who has publicly struggled with sobriety, told Fox News that she doesn’t like to dwell on her past and is in a “great place” in her life.
She also explained that appearing on “Marriage Boot Camp” was more difficult than she thought it would be, but still pales in comparison to the stresses of working on “Housewives.”
“Neither one of them was very easy, let’s be real. Being locked up in a house with a bunch of people. And then ‘Housewives,’ sometimes it was very easy, and sometimes it was, wooo!”
She added: “You’ll see as it goes on. There was just a lot of things that – Wynn and I had been together so long and our kids had introduced us and there were just certain things that we hadn’t done yet and weren’t able to get over,” she lamented.
“We always talked about we’re going to move to the beach and do this, but there were certain things that we haven’t been able to cross. So, that’s why I thought it was important for us to come here to address certain issues.”
In the trailer for the season, Richards is seen asking Katz if he thinks she’s attractive and also admitting that she is in love with two men. Richards revealed Tuesday that Katz was apprehensive about appearing on “Marriage Boot Camp,” but eventually came around to the idea.
“You know when it came up I just said, ‘What do you think?’ and he said, ‘Well, OK, yeah.’” I mean, otherwise, we’re just going to be stuck here, we’re going to keep doing the same thing?”
“Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars” premieres Sept. 7 at 9 p.m. ET on WE TV.
Dear Abby: Couple fights to repair broken marriage
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 23 years. A month ago, he slept with my daughter’s best friend.
As soon as it happened, he told me what he’d done. He said he felt like I didn’t love him anymore and admitted he made a mistake. I can tell he truly feels ashamed. Nonetheless I am hurting, confused, angry, and I can’t stop having visions of the two of them together.
We are trying to make our marriage work. I love him, and I can’t picture my life without him, but I can’t stop torturing myself. I have to let this go if our marriage is going to work. Do you have any suggestions to help me with this? – TORTURING MYSELF IN ALABAMA
DEAR TORTURING YOURSELF: Yes, I do have one. But before I offer it, let me point out that all of the emotions you are feeling are normal under the circumstances. Because you want to make your marriage work, with the help of a licensed marriage and family counselor, you and your husband should analyze what led to his infidelity. Your doctor should be able to refer you at the same time he or she gives you both the results of your STD examinations.
DEAR ABBY: We are good friends with a couple who have taken two very nice vacations a year for the last several years. We are all in our late 60s.
When they book their trips, they intentionally fail to include ground transportation to and from the airport. They rely on having friends take them. The airport is about 45 minutes from where we live. They never offer to cover gas or parking for the trips. I feel it’s inconsiderate and poor manners. The wife is a very good friend. Her husband books the vacations, and she has to do the “begging.”
My husband and I take a limo to the airport. None of us lack the money for vacations. We now just make excuses to not accommodate them. I would appreciate your opinion. Should we just tell them the truth? – AGGRAVATED IN ATLANTA
DEAR AGGRAVATED: By all means tell your close friend the truth. And when you do, pass along the name and number of the limo company you use.
DEAR ABBY: My wife passed away six years ago. I have finally reached a point where I’m ready to not be alone anymore. The problem is I’m interested in one of her sisters. I love and care for the whole family, and it would devastate me to lose them by revealing it. Am I way off base to even think of pursuing it? Should I drop it or talk with her to find out her thoughts? Maybe I shouldn’t try because it’s not “normal,” but I am interested in the possibility. – FORBIDDEN LOVE IN TEXAS
DEAR FORBIDDEN LOVE: This situation isn’t as unusual as you may think. In biblical times, when a woman lost her husband, it was expected that his brother would marry her. If your late wife’s sister is single, tell her how you feel. You have known her long enough that those feelings may or may not be mutual – but no law says you can’t find out.
Amy Dickinson: Newly discovered sister rocks her world
Dear Amy: Last year I was “found” by a biological half-sister. She has spent her life looking for her biological father. Her dad turned out to be my dad.
My parents were so in love, raised five kids and had a wonderful marriage. They have both died, and I’m convinced after talking to family members that no one knew about this sister.
I have done everything I can to integrate her into our family. However, I didn’t ask her into my life. I would be happier if I never knew about her!
I feel good about all I’ve done for her, and I would never tell her, but I am so angry!
This truly rocked my world. My dad was my hero, and she knocked him off my pedestal! Not fair!
She is a wonderful woman (completely opposite of my sister I never got along with), but I am having an internal fight to accept this person into my head as my sister.
And I don’t know how to get over my resentment of this intrusion into my life.
I want my perfect dad back! — Upset Daughter
Dear Upset: I have yet to encounter a perfect person, or a perfect parent. And yet it is every parent’s dream to remain perfect in the eyes of their children.
I wonder if you have avenues yet to explore that might provide answers. (For instance, was your father ever a sperm donor?)
If your father had a one-night stand, or even if he was unfaithful to your mother (secretly, or with her knowledge), does this diminish the love they felt for each other — and for you and your siblings?
Does knowing your father might have been flawed make him less of a father to you? Your parents chose to be — and stay — together. That’s a good thing.
This woman’s sudden presence in your life has rocked you, and you have behaved generously and admirably (what a credit to your parents!). But I hope you don’t feel forced to have a relationship you aren’t ready to have. You have every right to take this at your own pace. Talking with a therapist would help you to express, and accept, your “Not fair!” feelings.
Dear Amy: My granddaughter, who is 13, told me during a recent visit that if she got into an advanced placement math class at her school she would receive $200 from her parents.
During the school year, she has been given $20 for every ‘A’ grade.
I find this approach over the top. What kind of message does this send to my granddaughter? What should I say about this? — Upset Gram
Dear Gram: Many parents find ways to incentivize their children to do well in school. Other parents provide negative incentives — they hold high expectations and then punish their children or take away privileges if they don’t meet these standards.
As she starts the school year, your granddaughter knows exactly what the potential rewards are for her to excel in school.
Issues arise when kids start to negotiate about these rewards: “Well, you seem to love this A more than I do, and so maybe you should pay me $30 for it.” And how much money might high SAT scores, or A’s in college, cost these parents?
I recently read the obituary for a poet whose father offered her $100 (as a young child) to read “War and Peace.” The child declined. But in offering the reward, her father was demonstrating how much he valued this literary experience. And the child did in fact, eventually adopt these values — growing up to become a celebrated poet.
Your granddaughter can also decline her prize, or simply choose to follow whatever path she wants, regardless of the money attached.
As is the case with many aspects of the parenting experience, unless you see this as endangering your granddaughter, you should keep your opinion to yourself.
Dear Amy: In a recent column, you wrote about two couples, not married I presume, that referred to their significant other as a “partner.”
Relationships and having kids isn’t a business. This term is just a new way to be hip and it lacks responsibility.
I was surprised at your lack of comment. — Mike
Dear Mike: Surely, this is the first time I’ve been accused of being “hip.”
I’m not sure what you would suggest as a way to refer to unmarried parents. Many couples refer to themselves this way (“Worried New Mother” did), and in the absence of alternatives, I’m fine with it, too.
