Relationships Talk

Dublin, Ireland, Aug 23, 2018 / 10:38 am (CNA/EWTN News).- To couples seeking marriage, the Church needs both to be welcoming and to present a “clear vision” of the sacrament, Cardinal Vincent Nichols of Westminster said Thursday at the World Meeting of Families.

Marriage “is rooted in the love of God and is to be an expression of the faithfulness and fruitfulness of God’s love,” he said in a keynote for the World Meeting of Families in Dublin Aug. 23.

Sacramental marriage is “intertwined with the love Christ has for his Church” and includes sacrifice, forgiveness, and healing. “Our teaching is a rich vision that informs all that we want to share with those who are starting out on married life,” he said.

Addressing the subject of marriage preparation, Nichols offered advice for how parishes can help engaged couples to embrace the Church’s vision, even in the face of an increasingly secular view and focus on the wedding “industry.”

Underpinning all marriage preparation should be a focus on God’s call to holiness, he said. As Pope Francis wrote in the exhortation Gaudete et exsultate, holiness can grow even through small, everyday actions – the building blocks of family life.

“This wider vision of marriage, as understood in our Catholic teaching and way of life, shapes all of the work of marriage preparation,” he said.

Good marriage prep, he noted, should include expressions of solidarity with the couple, that they do not have to journey through engagement and married life alone. Those involved in leading marriage prep should also remember to be humble and to trust in God’s grace, remembering that the Holy Spirit should be the first guide of the couple.

He urged priests to emphasize the importance of prayer, especially teaching couples to learn to pray together with scripture; he said to choose one’s words carefully, so that the hearts of young people can be reached with the truth of marriage, also recognizing that not all couples begin with the desire to go through the process of marriage preparation.

Encounters with older married couples can also be a good resource for engaged men and women, helping them ask themselves and think about important questions about their hopes and expectations for marriage, he said.

The gift children are to parents and to the Church should be discussed, Nichols noted, as well as the importance of honest, thoughtful decisions on planning a family together, “taking into full account the teaching of the Church, their own welfare, and the welfare of other children.”

He said to address the “gift of sexuality, the gift of the body,” including the physicality present in the marriage liturgy itself, such as when “couples join their right hands to declare their consent to enter the covenant of Holy Matrimony.”

Nichols also stated that the key to understanding marriage preparation correctly is to view it as a journey which continues long after the “I do’s,” through the lifelong project of building a future together.

“On this journey one quality is very important. It is this: learning to sense how and where God is present.”

Following the wedding, look for ways your parish can continue to be intentionally welcoming to married couples, celebrate marriage, and offer support such as enrichment opportunities, or childcare, so spouses can spend quality time together.

Nichols concluded by emphasizing that there is no such thing as an “average” or “normal” marriage, that “everyone is different” and all married couples will go through periods of difficulty. Couples and families often need resources and support, but they should always be “on offer” and never forced, he said.

In the face of challenges “many are tempted to ask: ‘Can I be broken, fragile, and holy?’ Yes,” he said. “We may indeed carry a deep sense of failure, guilt or shame. We may judge ourselves to be unworthy. This is what we bring to the Lord, for holiness is his business.”

My favorite part about watching wedding videos is the dad’s reaction as he sees his daughter as a bride for the first time. It’s a small moment, but I’m envious of the private time they have to process the array of emotions they’re experiencing. It’s not something I had at my wedding.

On the day of my nuptials, my dad Joe, the man who raised me, showed up at the venue a few minutes before the ceremony was to begin. My mom and I arrived together and a little while later, my biological father, Eduardo, who was in and out of my life, joined us. It was the first time in seven years that we were all in the same room. A series of emotions flooded me and led me to tear up—just as the wedding planner arrived saying it was time to walk down the aisle. Needless to say, I ugly cried all the way down the aisle to Ryan, my soon-to-be husband, in front of more than 150 guests.

But this is the kind of stuff that happens when your parents are divorced. Especially if you’re the first in the family to marry, like I was. Eduardo only met my soon-to-be in-laws the night before at the rehearsal dinner. Joe didn’t attend the pre-party festivities because of a funeral. This meant the first time he talked to my in-laws was after our wedding ceremony.

Planning can be difficult regardless of whether or not parents are divorced. The most important thing to remember is to do what feels right. Don’t follow tradition or a wedding planner’s advice because you think it’s “how things should be.” Listen to your gut. Every choice is personal and differs from person to person, even among siblings. Here’s my advice for planning a wedding when your parent’s are divorced.

Asking for my hand in marriage

Ryan, my now-husband talks about how nerve wracking it was to ask for my hand in marriage. The stressful process was only made worse by having to repeat it three times—once with each parent.

While dating, we talked about what that scenario would look like. I recommended he go to my mom first and ask for her advice on approaching my two dads. His return on investment paid off immediately. Each parent felt acknowledged and included in the process.

My sister’s fiancé, on the other hand, did not follow this protocol. I expected Joe to be fired up. Instead, he said it was an antiquated tradition and as grown women, we didn’t need his or anyone’s permission to do what made us happy.

The invitations

As much as I love Joe, he and my mom are no longer together. So when Ryan and I were decided on text for our wedding invites, we opted to only list my mom’s name along with his parents. We could have easily opted for the generic “along with their families,” but it felt important to call out the name of the person who shaped me into the person Ryan would marry.

This was an easy decision to make in comparison to deciding who would walk me down the aisle.

Walking down the aisle

Heading down the aisle Meghan Markle-style, AKA alone, was never a choice: I knew I wanted my mom at my side. But I agonized over how to handle my two fathers for months. Friends who knew my paternal situation offered unsolicited advice which only made me more unsure of what to do. So I did what I do when I’m stuck: I turned to my mom and we talked through various scenarios.

My first inkling was to walk just with her. But I adore my stepdad—he proved to me that love was real. My biological father, Eduardo, and I, however, aren’t as close as either of us would like. I let go of my anger years ago but still find it difficult to respect a man who choose to leave his family. That said, his blood flows through my veins and it didn’t feel right to leave that unacknowledged.

In the end, I made the choice to have all three stand by my side—with some stipulations. We would walk down the aisle the way we walked through life. I entered the room with my mom on my left, Eduardo next to her and Joe to my right.

Meeting the family

I do not recommend waiting until your wedding for both sides of the family to meet. The experience was overwhelming and disorientating. Instead of enjoying the wedding, I worried about making introductions. It would have been nice for both families to meet in a more casual setting, without any distractions.

My sister was smart and avoided this fate by hosting Thanksgiving dinner with her then-fiancé, months before their wedding. Both sides of the family got to meet, spend time together and bond over beer and football. We were sad to part at the end of it, and looked forward to reuniting for their big day. This made their wedding more fun and less awkward.

Speeches and the father-daughter dance

My sister and I both made the decision to only have our mom speak at our weddings. She was the one who raised us and knew us best. It only felt right to have her speak on our behalf, regardless of what tradition dictated. My sister’s father-daughter dance became a mother-daughter dance. At my wedding, I danced with my stepdad but couldn’t resist inviting my mom and sister up, as well.

See more: 9 Steps to Prepare Divorced Parents BEFORE the Wedding

Significant others

I got lucky at my wedding. None of my parents had dates. I didn’t have to deal with the messiness of a new significant other. But, I know how I would have reacted if they had. I would have told them to leave that person at home. I didn’t allow anyone to bring guests to my wedding unless they were married or in a serious relationship. Not everyone feels this same way, including my sister, but that’s the beauty about planning your wedding—you get to decide what to do.

No Bollywood fan is likely to forget Sonam Kapoor’s extravagant Mumbai wedding in a hurry. Sonam tied the knot with the love of her life Anand Ahuja on May 8, this year.

For days, photos of the radiant couple from the mehendi, sangeet, wedding and reception ceremonies flooded the net. And months later, Sonam and Anand continue to melt hearts with their social media PDA.

Yet, it’s a well-known fact that marriage isn’t a cakewalk. Sonam called Karan Johar on his radio show Calling Karan, and sought marriage advice from him and how to adjust in the first year of marriage.

KJo said, “Not that I am a marital expert Sonam! Adjustments are critical, because practically being husband and wife, living together, you get privy to all the habits that your partner has that sometimes may not be in conjunction with yours. So the first thing, I really want to tell you is patience.

You’ve got to patiently understand what your partner’s habits are. For example, which side of the bed would he normally like to sleep on, or his bathroom timings, which might not coincide with yours, or his watching television or Netflix habits?

It could be anything that may not be in conjunction. First, understand the schedule, routine habits, and then if something really difficult, then try and talk about it. But not definitely in the first year, you don’t want to come out so strong and cause road blocks, initially.”

He also added, “Pehle samjho, phir apnao, uske baad nibhao nahi samjhao.”

On the work front, Sonam is basking in the success of Veere Di Wedding, and is now working on Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga, where she will share screenspace with Anil Kapoor.

ALSO SEE: Why Sonam-Anand wedding was the biggest of Bollywood weddings

ALSO SEE | Sonam Kapoor and Anand Ahuja share adorable first pictures after wedding

ALSO SEE | 10 big moments from Sonam-Anand wedding reception

ALSO WATCH | Sonam Kapoor-Anand Ahuja tie the knot: Best of sangeet, wedding and reception visuals