Relationships Talk

Most people dispensing marital advice either have great credentials or great marriages. After 19 years, my wife and I have a good enough relationship but I don’t think we’ll end up in the Marriage Hall of Fame. Also, I’m not a marriage counselor; nor do I play one on TV.

So who am I to say a word about marriage? Well, we’ve kept it together all this time and given our children a stable home. That must count for something. My oldest daughter is contemplating marriage, and since the last person she would turn to for advice is dear old Dad, I thought maybe some other folks could benefit from what I’ve learned along the way (and what I’d love to tell her).

The first rule of marriage, of course, is that there are no rules – every couple figures out what works for them. But if my daughter asks, there are a few commonalities to successful relationships that I would share.

Number one: in most cases, couples that divorce had pretty much the same problems as couples that stay together. It’s just that the latter group decided to stick around and try to work things out. After all, any problems you don’t resolve in your first marriage you’re likely to recreate in the next, and the next, and the one after that.

Second guidepost: if it’s important to you, it’s Important to me.

If your spouse likes fly fishing, or skydiving, or Beethoven, it doesn’t mean you have to put on waders or a parachute or the Ode to Joy.

It does mean that if your spouse wants to talk about what he or she is passionate about, listen passionately, not passively.  Don’t judge, don’t criticize, don’t be a downer, and above all, don’t point out that it’s a waste of time and money.

If it doesn’t violate your values or put your life at risk, then maybe learning to fly fish or appreciate the Appassionata isn’t the worst idea.

Parachuting? You’re on your own.

Third, get help before you realize you need it. Tiger Woods has a swing coach, and all he does is hit golf balls. Marriage is infinitely harder than winning the Masters (just ask him), and yet most people think they can just figure it out on their own. 

If you aren’t seeking to improve your relationship skills, you’re probably just diminishing them. There are plenty of great books, therapists, weekend seminars and other tools for tightening your game. Marriage vows, like babies, do not come with an instruction manual.

Fourth, the first three to five minutes when you walk in the door belongs to your spouse – not to your kids, not to technology, not to the fridge and certainly not to your parents. It’s the two of you against the world. Having that face-to-face check-in time is invaluable, especially when children arrive with their unique ability to turn their parents from lovers into roommates.

Fifth, don’t argue – just discuss. Never, ever call your partner names. And if there’s physical violence, get out immediately and take the kids with you. Remember also that when you’re arguing, you are simply standing up for your unconscious, unwritten rules about how people should behave, while your partner is doing the same for his or her rules. So remember you’re not really arguing with your partner – you’re just debating rules. 

Next time, before you start defending one of your rules to the death, stop and ask just how important it is to you. Here’s why arguing doesn’t work – if you win, you lose. If you tie, you lose. And if you lose, you absolutely lose.

Above all, remember that people aren’t forever, that you, your spouse, and ultimately your children will never be this young again. Treasure the moments, because you never know what’s coming down the pike.

And If my daughter happens to read this, I hope she doesn’t judge her dad too harshly. He was always doing the best he could to help keep things on the right track, and in marriage, that counts for a lot.

‘I reached out to PAO and was told that I cannot force the baby daddy to marry me. I honestly don’t know what to do.’

Published 4:01 PM, November 11, 2018

Updated 4:01 PM, November 11, 2018

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am in my late 20s. I have a 2-month-old daughter and am unwed.

The baby daddy is in his early 30s. We were barely two months into the relationship when we started sleeping together. I instantly got pregnant. My pregnancy was even longer than the time we knew each other before I got “knocked up.” Partly, that is the reason the baby daddy did not want to get married. After giving birth, I have brought up marriage/living together but he says we should prioritize the baby. Is he evading the issue of marriage/live in?

The baby daddy is staying with his parents. I don’t understand why he lives with his parents when he is financially stable. He has a high salary grade and can afford to live separately. I don’t know why he doesn’t want us to rent an apartment near the office. I live and have a small business in Bulacan and find it difficult to go to Quezon City where we work. Anyway, the baby daddy monitors, supports, and visits my daughter.

I received news that the baby daddy is seeing someone else. I don’t have the courage to verify the details from other people. So I confronted the baby daddy and he denied it. He shuts the topic and says he doesn’t want us fighting. Is he evading the issue of cheating?

Our conversations are only about my daughter and the office. He is distant and never discusses what will happen to us, saying he is tired with work. It takes him time to reply or call back. He doesn’t answer my calls, returning them whenever. I don’t want to entertain the thought that it might be something or someone else. There are times when I don’t know where he is, receiving news that he is seen with someone else. Some tell me the baby daddy is only waiting for me to be the one to breakup.

My family wants me to fight for him since I have a daughter. However, the baby daddy’s side has been insinuating that we co-parent, pointing out that we will eventually break up, being different people from different backgrounds.

I grew up raised by an uncle. My older sister is an unwed mother of two. The baby daddy grew up with a complete family. I want my daughter to also have a complete family. I hate it when people tell me that my daughter can still have a complete family with co-parenting. I prefer having the traditional complete family.

I would appreciate any insight and advice you will give.

Pia

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Dear Pia,

Thank you for your email.

It seems as though by traditional values you have got your milestones in the wrong order. Dating, engagement, marriage, children was considered the ideal though of course it was much honored in the breach, as was the notion that sexual intercourse would only take place upon marriage.

In the modern era, sexual and marital rituals no longer come in a “one size fits all” package and the advent of birth control has had much to do with this. While unplanned pregnancies are not exactly uncommon even now, the existence of contraception is not a secret nor is practicing it rocket science, even if it is not 100% safe all the time either.

Getting pregnant at the very beginning of a relationship is, however, guaranteed to require a couple to face up to some important issues rather earlier than they may have planned, as you have found to your cost.

There are various schools of thought about this type of situation. One could be categorized as the shotgun approach, most often adopted by the father of the pregnant girl, who demands marriage as a face-saver for the family’s (loss of) honor, or his daughter’s lost purity or the like. This approach has little or no consideration for the long term happiness of the two people most involved and indeed can even be punitive, as in “you’ve made your bed, now you can lie on it.” It is also similar to the hard line religious approach which equates pregnancy with marriage.

Then there are approaches which are designed to avoid any marriage. These can be based on a wide range of seemingly discriminatory reasons – different races, different religions, different colors, different backgrounds etc. – but at least the reasons put forward can claim, however in sincerely, to be related to the two people involved and their (in)compatibility for a future together.

Your case seems to fall between the two camps. The paternal side wants to prevent marriage while the maternal wants to encourage it.

Despite the birth of his daughter, the baby daddy (let’s call him Jay) has not rushed to set up home with you and his daughter, even if he could easily afford to do so. Instead he is comfortably installed at his parents’ house and is making efforts to distance himself from you, with communications both more infrequent and also limited to the practicalities and responsibilities of parenthood. These are not encouraging signs of a desire for even a relationship, much less marriage.

To be fair, however, he is involved and supportive of his daughter so it seems that being a father is as far as he is prepared to go.

Your position seems to be the quintessentially traditional one – marriage. This is an admirable aim in general but is surely unrealistic in this case. You and Jay had scarcely begun your relationship when you became pregnant, he shows no interest in marriage and frankly if you were to marry, the chances of success in these circumstances would not be high so in short order you would no longer be a complete family anyway.

In the near future, surely you should foster the best relationship you can with Jay as your daughter’s father, not as a future husband. If a romantic relationship is rekindled, that will be fine. If not, your daughter will have a loving father and you can cast your net elsewhere.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Pia,

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer suggests you “you should foster the best relationship you can with Jay as your daughter’s father, not as a future husband” but not discount that the relationship could possibly be rekindled towards romance.

I agree with part 1 of his advice which is to prioritize your being co parents, rather than your being a couple but not with part 2, which is being open to rekindling your romance.

Part 2 encourages you to be unduly optimistic about the future of your relationship, because everything you tell us about his behavior clearly suggests that he is not interested in being anything else but a co-parent with you.

You write: “After giving birth, I have bought up marriage or living together but he (he) say(s) we should prioritize the baby. Is he evading the issue of marriage or live in?”

In my opinion (because who can say for sure, right?) he is avoiding the issue. Some men melt when they see their own child and thus want to be a family. This has not happened in your case. In my clinical experience, if a father’s love does not magically transform into love for the mother once he establishes a relationship with his child, he is unlikely to want to get married as the child gets older.

We are at our most optimistic and bravest, willing to fight the odds, at the start of any enterprise, before reality bites us in the face. I feel reality has already bitten him, and he is only hoping it bites you soon.

Jim is staying with his parents even if a ) he can afford to live separately, b) it will be easier being with his child, and c) will make life for you so much easier.

Jim does not strike me as a deliberately cruel man. But his refusal/inability to be honest with you is giving you false hopes.

False hopes are the last thing you need because you are so prone to them to begin with. No matter how much you want something, wishing it will not make it so. No matter how clear it is that marriage/living together is the best solution for you, you cannot insist he think it the best solution for him.

And you know this already, Pia, or you would not have gone to PAO.

Oh, Pia, I know it is difficult to give up your dream of a “traditional family,” with the father of your baby as your husband. But give it up you must, at least, with this guy.

With any luck, you will find a guy – non traditional this time – who is willing and able to have that family with you.

With even more luck, you will find you need no one else but yourself to have the home in which love, trust, respect, and reality-based hope can thrive for you and your baby.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

CENTRAL CITY — Two Central Nebraska veterans have very unique, yet very similar stories, and share more than their military background. They also happen to be married.

Eric and Heidi Erickson of Central City both served two decades or more in service to their country. Both saw time in Desert Storm, and Iraq during war time, and both are decorated veterans — each were given a Purple Heart. The couple also have three children.

For Eric, his 24-year military journey began in 1989 when he was active duty in the United States Air Force during Desert Storm. He said it was a security duty.

“I was at security camps along the Alaskan Pipeline, due to threats being made to it,” Eric said.

Eric served in Desert Storm from 1989 to 1992.

After he returned home, Eric stayed in the military, but served in the Army reserves from 1994 to 2008. From 2009 to 2011, he was in Nebraska Air Guard. He went back into Army reserves in 2012-2013, which was when he decided it was time to get out of the military.

Eric remembers how 2003 was a very busy year for his family.

“Heidi was activated in October, and I volunteered in December and was in Iraq by January 2004.”

He said he was home by March 2005.

The couple had many close family members around to raise their children while they were away serving their country.

Erickson said it was tough being away from his children.

“Our youngest, Nik, was 11 months old when we left overseas, and we returned in time to celebrate his third birthday.” Their oldest child, Nathan, was 8, and daughter Taylor was 5.

While serving in Iraq, Eric drove a semi-truck hauling an armored vehicle from place to place.

He served all over — from the Iraq-Turkey border to the Kuwait-Syria border.

While in Iraq, Eric was a truck driver and a combat life saver, a.k.a. a first responder.

“We had a medical bag and were able to help out. There was a boy once that had a toe that was worn raw, so I helped clean it up for him,” Eric said about a time when he had to help a local civilian boy with an injury.

Although he said it was hard for him being away from his kids, it was also hard being away from his wife, who also was serving, but in a different capacity, in a different area.

Erickson said he used technology and some creative thinking to let Heidi know he was thinking about her.

“We kept in contact through Yahoo Messenger on the computer.”

It was then he decided to leave “notes” to Heidi in different places.

“I always had spray paint with me, so I would spray-paint a message to Heidi, or write something with the kids’ names in it so she could see it later.”

She did see it later — with help from her fellow soldiers who would also point out the “notes” to her from Eric who had been there, weeks, or months before. These “secret messages” were on bridges, signs, roadways — anywhere Eric thought his bride would notice them.

Heidi said they did cross paths about once a month, or less at the beginning.

In the summer of 2004, something happened to both Eric and Heidi Erickson that could’ve easily ended their lives.

“I got hit in a vehicle-borne IED ambush in Mosul on Aug. 4, 2004. I came out OK,” Eric recalled.

Heidi got hit eight days later.

“I had a fuel truck with an IED blow up right next to us.” She ended up with facial cuts and mild burns.

Heidi was in a gunner transport truck and also served as a combat life saver. She was always lined up at the end of the convoy. She usually escorted convoys.

Both earned their Purple Heart from their respective incidents.

Eric was born and raised in Central City, played high school and college football, then decided the military was his career path. He married Heidi in April of 1995.

Heidi Erickson was also born and raised in Central City. She served in the Army reserves out of Hastings. She had served her country for 20 years exactly when she retired.

Her journey began in 1991 when she served six months in Germany during Desert Storm.

In 2003 she was sent to Fort Riley, Kan., for six months, then sent to Missouri, then to Iraq until 2004. At this point, she had already been in the reserves 15 years.

Heidi said she looks back on her aforementioned ambush experience and knows she is lucky to be alive.

“We were hauling people to the hospital for appointments, and there was this big truck, about the size of mine, alongside the road, and it looked suspicious because it was out in the open all by itself.”

She said she decided to move over to avoid whatever danger may have lurked in that vehicle.

“Usually we ran in the middle of both lanes so I ran to the left-hand side and as soon as my bumper was even with that trucks bumper, the IED went off. It was huge.”

Heidi said her gunner in the truck in front of her turned around to see if she was OK.

“He said ‘Here came Mom (that was her nickname) driving right through the smoke, just like a Hollywood movie,’” all the while dodging flying truck parts and other pieces of metal.

When her truck got hit, Heidi said she still can’t figure out how she avoided being hit directly by shrapnel.

There was a huge piece of metal that came through the windshield, which she said she didn’t notice until they reached base.

“It was down by my foot, and he (another soldier) sitting next me leaned over. How that hunk of metal missed my leg and his head, I have no idea.”

Heidi said her truck was still movable until about the check-in point at the gate, and they let her go by without checking in because they were losing oil pressure and would have had to been towed if they stopped.

“I was mad. Over there, my truck is my lifeline. When I got out of the truck, I had glass everywhere on me, and in my helmet and uniform,” she said. “They all thought it was funny I was more concerned about my truck than myself.”

Heidi said she had a chance not to go to Iraq back in 2004.

“I was activated and was going to have to go, but since we had a 6-month-old at home, they told me I didn’t have to go.” At that point Heidi said if she didn’t go, she would lose her 15 years of service, and have nothing to show for it in the way of retirement.

“It was a tough decision, but I decided to go, and stay in the Army.” She said what helped her with her decision is knowing her kids would be cared for by family.

“Both of us had siblings and our parents around to help with the kids, so they would be fine. I wasn’t worried at all.”

She said she also did it to make a point.

“I wanted to show my kids — you finish what you started.”

Even though her kids weren’t with her then, she still got to be a mom overseas, for others.

She said her fellow soldiers called her “Mom” because she was not only much older than most of them, but because they could confide in her … and ask for advice.

Heidi retired in 2007.

So what does Veterans Day mean to the Erickson’s? They had similar answers, just as they had similar career paths.

“It’s all about the camaraderie of everybody who has been in those kinds of situations. Everybody can come and meet and be together and know that you all have been through the same thing. That you are not the only one. Knowing you proudly represented the United States,” Heidi said.

Eric echoed those sentiments.

“For me, I think is more about hanging out with other veterans, no matter what era they served in.”

Currently Eric is shop foreman for Merrick County Highway Department. He also coaches school athletics.

As for Heidi, “I am now just a stay-at home-mom,” she said with a big smile. “Just relaxing.”

Both of them still help at the American Legion Club in Central City.

She says

Belinda Mok

Over the past five years we have been together, friends have often asked me what it’s like being in a relationship with a competitive marathon runner, especially when I initially didn’t even enjoy running.

The truth is that I didn’t think much about what I was getting myself into.

That may be why it felt, occasionally, that the relationship required quite some effort to work. But, looking back, it has been such a fulfilling and enjoyable journey as we grew and learnt to support one another.

When we first got together, Mok was training to qualify for the 2016 Olympics. He was so committed and focused that we would have to plan our dates around his training and work. He trained after work every day, so it also meant that we didn’t get to meet much.

This was also a rocky period for our relationship as we had to navigate our different interests and expectations. For example, we hardly shopped together; he wanted to save his legs for training. Saturday-night dates were often early affairs; he had a long run the next morning.

Thankfully, with the experience from previous disagreements and advice from our friends and mentors, we now have something which works for us.

• Her tips to make it work

• BE OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES

  I used to be someone who disliked running – I found it too hot and dirty. However, as I accompanied Mok to his training sessions and running clinics, I met so many passionate runners that I decided to join in. As I got better, I also started to enjoy it and finally understood Mok’s passion for running.

  Taking part in running events also gives you a chance to make new friends. Unlike other more specialised sports, anyone can walk, jog or run. Runners come from all walks of life, so you will meet people outside your social circle easily.

  BE FLEXIBLE

  We have had to change our plans countless times because of Mok’s schedule. Sometimes he might be asked to go into work early at the last minute and not have time to run in the morning -we would then have to cancel our dinner plans so that he can run in the evening. As a supporter, I try to be flexible to support him in meeting his training needs.

  RUN TOGETHER (COUPLE TIME)

  Our running standards are vastly different, but we still try to go for a run together fortnightly. We plan it such that he does his easy runs when I’m doing my hard runs. It works for us both as I have Mok who can push me, while he also has me to avoid overdoing his easy runs too quickly.

  BE ENCOURAGING

  Being an athlete is tough; sometimes your loved one may have a bad training session or an injury to deal with. He or she may try to not talk about it but they will definitely be feeling down, so try to empathise and encourage them to continue with their rehabilitation.

  BE POSITIVE

  Instead of grumbling about losing your precious morning sleep because of a run, see it as a healthy lifestyle change that you’re making. For me, I like that we can get so much done before noon. In fact, Mok usually starts and finishes his long runs so early (because it would be too hot otherwise) that we usually end up beating the weekend brunch crowds.

Things would appear to be comparably worse now. Mok is doing his orthopaedic-surgery residency, which is stressful enough as it comes with exams and overnight shifts. Add in daily training and other running commitments, and there is even less “couple time” as his schedule is perpetually packed.

As my way of showing him support, I would watch his training sessions, which led to me deciding to join him on his runs. I also started cycling and rollerblading during his long runs at East Coast Park.

As I got better, I started to enjoy running more and now we actually go for runs together. Also, the more I run, the more I am impressed by what he puts himself through daily.

As a physiotherapist in a restructured hospital, I know how hard it is to drag yourself out of bed to run before/after a busy shift, but Mok still does it anyway. He has the uncanny ability to be determined and very focused on the task at hand, be it running or at the hospital.

While this was initially a point of contention for me, it is now something that I really admire about him, and that makes our relationship even stronger.

He says

Mok Ying Ren

The biggest lesson I have learnt after being married is how selfish our pursuit for excellence can be.

For many years, I was so focused on challenging limits and breaking barriers on the track (and road) that I left everything on the sidelines. It was like a game that could never end.

But I have come to realise that excellence in any field, when achieved at the expense of loved ones, will invariably leave a sense of emptiness in our hearts.

Success in any form will never be able to fill this void.

As I learnt and recognised the sacrifices Belinda had to make, I found myself trying to prioritise her needs in my decision making.

While some might think that this may cause my performance to suffer, on the contrary, this has allowed me to do better, both at work and running.

It’s interesting how things actually work, contrary to what we have been conditioned by society to expect. It’s worthwhile for all to spend some time to ponder on what the purpose of life and marriage is.