Relationships Talk

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg speaks at the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos, Switzerland, in 2015. (Ruben Sprich/Reuters)Both strains of advice to young women ignore that family life is unattainable for many.

Young women, settle down sooner! This advice is often repeated by disgruntled career women as well as conservative pundits — and sometimes both in one column, as when Dennis Prager recently made a column of the words of an unhappy career woman who phoned in to his radio show to counsel young women, “Do not follow the path that I followed.”

Other pundits want women to “lean in” to work (in the phrase of Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg), and some discuss whether women can have it all (not all at once, says Michelle Obama). There’s no shortage of advice directed at young women, but most of it misses the mark by failing to grapple with one stark reality of the wealthy Western world: Family and marriage are wholly unattainable for many. All of this advice, especially the admonition for women to settle down sooner, implies that marriage and family are plausible choices in today’s relationship climate. Often, they are not.

Our culture does not support the formation of stable families. There is still interest in marriage, but in many practical ways, from education requirements to economics to definitions of what success means, significant roadblocks stand in the path of married life. Telling women to settle down is like putting a high-powered motor on a boat that is still chained to the dock: You can run that motor, but you won’t get very far.

Why are single women working today? It’s generally not because a stridently feminist family member told them that work is the route to happiness. Other factors matter more, such as the need to pay the rent. And plenty of single women are too young and too healthy to imagine a time when renting a tiny luxury condo near a downtown core and working 24/7 will be anything but completely satisfying.

As a culture, we lost the family-life script decades ago. Previous generations finished school, got married, and had kids, typically in that order. This was the known path to maturity and financial well-being. Today, the idea that dating leads to marriage, which leads to children, sits somewhere between mummies and dinosaur bones in a museum display.

There are many reasons for this change. Feminism encourages a kind of hyper-individualism, mainly through promotion of the idea that no woman ever ought to rely on a man. Family — once a beautiful joint enterprise of people overcoming differences between the sexes to support each other and their children — came to symbolize weakness, not joy. For far too many feminists, marriage is a patriarchal ploy, and love itself is manipulative. Kate Millett, author of the 1970 feminist classic Sexual Politics, wrote:

The concept of romantic love affords a means of emotional manipulation which the male is free to exploit. . . . Romantic love also obscures the realities of female status and the burden of economic dependency.

The birth-control pill, which permanently broke the link between sex and children, has irreparably changed our mores, too. Prior to the Pill, casual sex could not be quite so casual because sex usually meant the possibility of children. Men and women knew this and acted accordingly. Without any link between sex and having children, marriage’s ability to keep spouses together to nurture any resulting children became weaker.

Childless sex and a casual approach to sex and relationships do more than fuel the #MeToo movement. They make it more difficult for women and men, especially those who do not engage in casual sex, to form families. They are the ones who have higher demands in relationships. Those who see one path to family through lifelong marriage are in a minority and will find it harder to compete in the relationship market.

Other factors that contribute to delayed marriage, especially for lower-income Americans, are the need for higher education, at high costs, which puts young people into debt, and the notion that one can’t have a family without buying a home. And when people delay marriage, they also delay having children—as shown in a December 2018 American Enterprise Institute report exploring declining fertility. The author, Lyman Stone, goes so far as to say that “declining fertility is really about delayed marriage.”

The need to reestablish a family-friendly culture has been the subject of academic research, policy papers, books, talk shows, and column inches — not to mention vitriolic and ineffective culture wars. In short, it’s one tough nut to crack. We might begin by noting that it’s wishful thinking to tell women to settle down sooner. What’s needed is substantive change not just by individual men and women but also by governments, businesses, schools, and places of worship. Only the most concerted effort to support the importance of marriage and family will have an effect, starting with increased appreciation for the research showing the benefits of marriage. Otherwise, simply telling women to settle down amounts to nothing more than wishful thinking.

Wow, can’t believe we’re a week into 2019 already! Hope you all had a great holiday. It’s been so nice to spending time with the family, although getting the kids back into a routine will be some form of light relief.

With the new year upon us, many a brides-to-be will be busy in the throes of prepping and planning for their upcoming wedding. I thought in light of this it would be useful to compile a list of 20 tips which can be a game changer when it comes to those finer details in bridal prep. 

I could probably write a book on this but I’ll try my best to keep it short and compile some key pointers. 

1. Look for a bridal outfit that is going to compliment your shape. If you are petite you may want to look at a style that doesn’t drown you or isn’t too heavy. If you’re not a curvy bride, opt for a peplum style top and skirt which creates frills and a bit of fuss around your body shape, creating an illusion of a curvy silhouette. 

Some brides opt for a very heavy large train but then find moving about very restrictive. Likewise the curvier bride should opt for a good fitting outfit, as any baggy areas will add extra pounds, slender lines and a more structured shape will help to streamline the figure.
 
2. Consider the border of your dupatta as very wide stiff border is not going to fall as elegantly as a narrower border. Also fabric plays a huge part. Chiffon fabric has a lovely fall to it, which really compliments the hair/hijab styles. It’s always wise to have a dupatta that’s not too heavy purely from a comfort perspective. 

3. Try your outfit on at least two weeks before the wedding. Most brides lose weight either consciously or without trying. This will allow for last minute tailoring changes should the need arise. 

4. Invest in some good shaping underwear. Go and get and measured properly. what you wear underneath can completely transform your shape and form. 

5. The jewellery should compliment not only your outfit but your features. Consider the size of your tikka in comparison to your forehead. A small forehead wouldn’t suit a very large tikka, try it on don’t just go off how it looks in the shop.

Matha pathis suit certain foreheads. If your forehead is small avoid these as it will take up most of the space.

Most earings can be very heavy, (also consider length! I’ve had to take droplets off from the bottom of the earings in the past as they’ve just been too long for the brides kneck and clashed with her kneclace!) it’s best to keep the rubber backs from costume jewellery to hand as these are great in keeping the earings securely on when the metals one fail and fall off. 

6. You only need bangles if your sleeves allow for this. Many brides have full length sleeves and there’s no space for bangles or she can only fit some of them on. No point in purchasing too many if they don’t fit or there’s no space on your arm for them. 

7. Naath. Ok this can either be a very painful or painless process! If you don’t have nose piercing many places offer a simple clip you can secure to your nostril. If you have a piercing have a nose stud without it’s back in that can easily be removed and the naath can be inserted once Makeup is completed. There’s nothing worse than a bride destroying her makeup and especially that nose contour! When she’s battling getting her nose stud out and naath in. For a mua it’s what nightmares are made of.

8. Take a paracetamol on the day! Trust me when I say everything hurts! You’re not meant to be comfortable so don’t be a martyr and pop that paracetamol! 

9. Have a lipstick that matches your outfit to hand to take with you. Most makeup artists use long wearing lipsticks, however the only area where it may come off is the centre of the mouth. 

10. Makeup application usually doesn’t budge on the day, especially if applied properly, however it’s always handy to have blotting paper or a compact powder to, A. quickly take sneak peaks and make sure everything is in tact and B. eliminate any shine zones if you’re extra prone to them. 

11. Don’t have any experimental treatments done to your face very close to the big day. I’ve had brides who have never waxed their face come up with textured / spotty skin who otherwise have a clear complexion! If you’re new to threading or waxing your face then apply a freezing cold flannel to close them pores! Facials / treatments should be done at least 2 weeks before the big day, giving any adverse reactions time to heal. Try the treatment / facial out a few months before so you know your skin reacts ok to it. Also stick to your regular eyebrow lady.

12. Avoid lash lifts or lash extensions until after your big day. A strip lash always finishes your makeup up off to perfection!.

13. Have everything laid out ready on the day. An organised bride is a calm bride. 

14. Allow friends / family to give you some space. Put a sign on the door, or better still exercise those bridezilla rights and keep them at bay.

15. Give your phone to someone who can deal with any last min inquiries. There’s nothing worse than a bride being hounded. This is a big no no for the bride and the mua! 

16. If you are new to contact lenses, practice wearing them ahead of the day and have them in for at least 30 mins before your mua arrives. This stops last minute watery eyes/noses. Bad idea for your makeup. 

17. Avoid very oily moisturisers. Your mua will prep your skin for you. 

18. Brush, exfoliate and apply lip balm to your lips. Get rid of that dry, flaky skin! Your lipstick application will be much smoother, especially when long wearing lippies can be so drying. 

19. Exfoliate your face. This doesn’t have to be too abrasive, use a sensitive exfoliater if needs be. The makeup glides on when all the dead skin has been removed. 

20. When spraying perfume, do so as a mist all over you, rather than up close to your neck. This not only causes wet streaks it can also damage your jewellery. 

Hope you find these tips useful. More importantly try to enjoy your big day, it’s over too quickly.